


The Things we Never Talk About

by Fedalfan



Category: Tennis RPF
Genre: M/M, peterlundgren imaginarymale character imaginary femalecharacter roughsex-implied
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2020-01-04 20:38:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 94,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18351269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fedalfan/pseuds/Fedalfan
Summary: In a different timeline Roger and Rafa have swopped birthdays. How will Rafa react when he is the one being hunted?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WomanofWonder](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WomanofWonder/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This work is for WomanofWonder who wanted me to write something else and may soon wish she hadn't.
> 
> In this work Roger and Rafa have swopped birthdays - Rafa is born on the 8th August 1981 and Roger on the 3rd June 1986. I thought it would be fun to imagine how this might change the dynamic between them. I've tried to stick to actual tennis tournaments - had to do quite a lot of checking as some of them have changed dates - but the new timeline has basically altered everything else - opponents are totally different. They also meet for the first time at a later date in this timeline  
> Rafa still has much the same friendships although he's now the same age as people like Ferrer and Feli rather than younger. He has/had a different girlfriend. For Roger I've invented entirely new friendships. I've kept Peter Lundgren as his coach as there seemed no reason to alter that.
> 
> This is less complicated than "One Morning" but there are still lots of hints and clues in earlier chapters to things you find out about later. So I will try and post every two or three days so it's easy to keep track - it's all written to the end
> 
> Hope you find it interesting. Comments welcome

September 2005: China Open

  
“He’s got a lot of talent, sure, but he doesn’t have the mentality. Keep to your game plan and he’ll self-destruct soon enough. And target the backhand”

Toni seems dismissive of his second round opponent but Rafa’s not so sure. “I watched a game of his from last year- he’s got every shot you can think of and a few you couldn’t! If he’s on form it might be a tough one”

“Rafa, believing every one could be a tough one is what’s got you this far. But don’t let the kid frighten you.”

He isn’t frightened. Deep down, Rafa agrees with his uncle – the kid can be flattened easily enough most of the time. But what if this is not the time?

  
                                                                                         *****************************************

  
At the end of the first set Rafa has a growing conviction that this is not going to be a good day. He’s not finding any answers to the shots the kid is coming up with; he’s got a hell of a serve and he’s too busy keeping Rafa on the run to allow any chance of targeting the backhand. Come on, focus, keep the ball in, make him work, sooner or later he’s going to crack and start throwing rackets around isn’t he? Half way through the second set a wayward forehand from the kid gives Rafa a break point and surely this is the moment? As an ace whistles past his ear it feels like the day’s top story is already being written……………..

                                                                                         ************************************

  
After the match is over Rafa spends a lot of time signing autographs – he doesn’t particularly want to face the locker room and then the press conference. It’s not as if this defeat is particularly devastating – he’s had a great season – but the inevitable questions when the World No 1 gets beaten by some unknown kid are just boring. At the point where he can’t put it off any longer he heads to the locker room. The kid is still in there – he’s sitting on a bench looking a bit stunned. Come on, Rafa, play nice.

“Well done, you played a great match”

“Thank you. I got lucky – everything just seemed to be going in”

“Not at all, you had some fantastic shots out there”

The kid’s face lights up with a grin “It feels so great when you play like that doesn’t it?”

The smile is so infectious that Rafa can’t help smiling back despite the circumstances. “Well, if you keep playing like that we’ll probably meet again some time.”

“I hope so. Thank you”

Rafa moves away to the showers – he’s done his bit now and he may never play the kid again – plenty of talent has disappeared into obscurity. No need to worry about him at all.

  
                                                                             ***********************************************

  
The press conference goes as expected –Rafa says the required stuff – very talented player obviously, definitely got a great future, yes I’m very happy with my year, these things are bound to happen. But it’s still frustrating – even the No 1 player can’t be expected to win every time yet whenever he loses it seems like his game is questioned by these people. What do they really know about tennis anyway?  
Back at the hotel Toni is surprisingly philosophical. “These things happen, he just had one of those days. We can get in some extra preparation for Madrid anyway – that’s more important than this. The team are sorting out a flight.”

“Actually, I’m going to get a flight tomorrow, Feli’s here and we’ll probably go out tonight”

“You sure that’s a good idea?”

Yes, I’m fucking sure. “I want to relax a bit. Then get properly focussed for Madrid”.

  
                                                                               *****************************************

“Man, that was bad luck. The kid was awesome, he killed you today”

“That really helps, Feli. Thanks so much”

“No problem. Are we going out? I know a place, lots of girls, privacy guaranteed.”

It really doesn’t sound tempting. “I don’t think so”

“You’re single at the moment, why not make the most of it?”

“No thanks”. Why didn’t he just go back home? Feli seems to pick up on his bad mood.

“Don’t let him get to you – I know one of the kid’s friends – says he’s a total loon. He’s going nowhere.”

“Forget about him. I’ll order food – I don’t feel like going out.”

“Why are you letting this get to you? Seriously, man, this tournament doesn’t mean shit. You won two slams this year!”

Why is it getting to him? Because the kid looked like he was having fun on court, because he can go anywhere without being recognised and bothered by idiots, because he doesn’t have a manager nagging at him to improve his image. Wasn’t there a time when it had been like that for him as well?

“I said, forget about him.”

                                                             ************************************************

                                                             ************************************************

  
“You really can take him, Roger. Just go for your shots, don’t start pushing with him, he’ll kill you if you do that”

It’s what Peter has been repeating for the last hour. It’s getting tiresome.

“I know that, Peter, I’m ready for this. He’ll be in the press conference going “I had a little problem with my knee today, just a little pain…” He smiles at the thought -he really is feeling confident today.

And indeed the match goes better than he could have hoped. He’s still getting used to reining in his emotions but today it all works out, there’s a very bad moment in the second set when he’s about to lose it but he pulls himself together and once the ace has left his racket he knows it’s all going to be fine. Back in the locker room he savours the moment, not jumping around like he might have done once. One match doesn’t mean everything but still the World No 1 – it’s special. His daydream is interrupted by World No 1 saying something about a great match.

“Thank you, I got lucky.” That’s what you’re supposed to say, isn’t it?

World No 1 is having none of it. “No, no, fantastic shots”

They really were, weren’t they? He can’t help smiling at the memory “It felt so great out there.” Shit, what a stupid thing to say, World No 1 didn’t enjoy it out there, did he?

Luckily World No 1 doesn’t seem to mind, he’s smiling before he goes off for a shower.

Peter is waiting outside, ready with hugs and smiles.

“Fantastic job, Roger, get the presser done and we’ll go and eat.”

Wait a moment. Roger needs to check the other results – he goes in search of a screen. Doubles results - good, Melek won – he’ll be in a happy mood tonight.

“No thanks, Peter, I’ll just eat in my room and get an early night.”

Peter looks a bit suspicious but he can’t really argue with anything Roger wants to do right now.

“Make sure it is early, don’t throw away the next round.”

“I won’t, promise.”

                                                                      ********************************************

“Fucking great result man, knew you’d do it”

Despite his nine years superiority Melek occasionally sounds like a kid himself. And his German is comfortingly familiar – he even lives close enough to the Swiss border for Roger to use Swiss German without difficulty. And it feels good to hear this stuff. He really had put it all together today.

“Bet Nadal was pissed off. He’ll be going “Well, I was very tired, I have a little pain, my knee….”

It’s close to what Roger was doing earlier but now he feels a little ashamed. Rafa had been really nice afterwards. He shuts Melek up by kissing him hard. By the time he lets go Melek has been left in no doubt about what he wants, he pulls down Roger’s shorts and touches him lightly. “Peter wouldn’t be happy about you doing this, what lie did you tell him?”

“ Early night. And we don’t have to go all out. But I want to celebrate a bit”

He sits down on the bed and opens his legs – Melek pushes his knees a bit further apart and then takes him in his mouth. Roger loves this position – he likes being able to see everything. Only near the end does it become too much – he leans back, closes his eyes and enjoys the rush – by the time he’s himself again Melek is handing him the lube. He always comes prepared

“Finger me while I do the hard work. Don’t want you to tire yourself out.”

It doesn’t take him long but Melek doesn’t seem to mind, he pulls Roger down to lie beside him.

“You do know that if you shoot up the rankings and become famous some of your off court fun is going to get more difficult?”

Roger doesn’t see a problem. “Who’s going to tell? Anyway, I’m just looking for the right girl.” Yeah, right.

Melek laughs at that one but plays along. “Like fuck you are. How long is it since you slept with a girl?”

Is two years a long time? “Not very long, I haven’t forgotten how”

“No, you just haven’t wanted it. How many guys have you had in that time?”

“Jealous?”

“You wish. Think about a woman then think about Nadal’s ass. Which one do you like best?”

Melek’s been an amazing friend but he's going a bit too far now. Rafa really had been kind after the match, Roger isn’t going to join in with mocking him.

“I’ll order food, then I really am going to get an early night”

“Whatever you want, man.”

  
                                                  *********************************************************


	2. Chapter 2

March 2006: Indian Wells

  
It had been a good match for Rafa – hard enough to make him feel he was getting a good workout – not so tough he ever felt in danger. His opponent doesn’t seem too disappointed - probably just pleased not to have been embarrassed, something Rafa has done to him a few times before. The locker room afters are easy, helped by the fact Javier is Argentinian.

“Well done, you didn’t really give me a chance today”

“Not at all, you gave me a hard time.” The usual line.

“And Federer in the semis”. The man sniggers. “Make sure you don’t go too near him at the net“

“What do you mean?”

Javier laughs again “Well you know, he’s not exactly into girls. Watch yourself”

Rafa looks at him with sudden dislike. “Even if that’s true I’m sure I’ll be quite safe.”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to annoy you. It is true by the way, I’m surprised you didn’t know.”

“Maybe because I don’t care?”

                                                        ************************************************

Practice next day with David goes really well, he’s in very little pain and can go full out. He works hard – deep down he knows he’d been too complacent in China. And Federer’s move up the rankings has been swift now he’s given up racket throwing – people are beginning to talk of him as a possible threat. David eventually calls a halt “Leave me some energy for tomorrow Rafa, we’re not all like you”

“Sorry.” Shit, Rafa had been so focussed on himself he’d forgotten David also has a match tomorrow, in the doubles. “You want to have lunch?”

“Sure.”

The players restaurant is quiet and there are no other Spaniards around – it’s a good chance to talk freely.

“You think I’ll have a problem tomorrow, David? Federer’s in good form.”

“No, not if you can keep him on the backhand. But he is a talent now he’s not acting like an idiot”

“I know”. Rafa doesn’t know why the other issue is on his mind but he finds himself talking about it.

“David, that nobhead Javier was pretty much telling me to watch my ass – I mean, my actual ass. You heard anything about that?”

David looks surprised. “You mean that he likes guys? There’s a lot of rumours about that”

“There are?”

“Well, he doesn’t ever say it out loud but he doesn’t really bother to hide it. Good on him, this is 2006, why should he have to keep it secret? He’s got some courage though, Javier isn’t the only moron in the locker room. Please tell me you told him where to go”

“Of course I did, but..” What is it that’s bothering Rafa about this? “If everyone knows, why haven’t I heard about it?”

David looks a little uncomfortable. “I didn’t say that everyone knows – I just get the impression he doesn’t care much what people think. And you’re the World no 1 Rafa, you’re a bit cut off from the gossip now aren’t you?”

“I haven’t changed David, why should people treat me any differently?”

“Well, I don’t and Feli and Carlos don’t – none of your old friends do”

“But everyone else?”

“Maybe, what did you expect?”

Not this. He should be used to it by now but it still hurts.

  
                                                         *************************************************

                                                         *************************************************  
The match is over and this time Roger is the one having to come up with the right stuff.

“Well done, you were way better than me today”

“Thank you.” There is a long pause “You’ve come a long way since China, though. This pushes your ranking up again, doesn’t it?”

It does but it’s no comfort for missing his first Masters Final. Rafa’s being kind – he really does seem like a nice guy – but it’s not helping. Truthfully he’d prefer to be on his own so he could have a good cry but there’s nowhere that’s private so that’s out of the question. He’s surprised to feel a touch on his arm.

“Are you OK? I know that’s a stupid question but…”

Fuck, he is NOT, absolutely NOT, going to start crying in front of the World’s No 1 player.

“I’m fine, thank you” He grabs his bags and heads out of the locker room without saying anything more – once he’s out in the corridor surrounded by people he gets more of a grip on himself. That must have looked incredibly rude but it can’t be helped. At least the presser shouldn’t be too bad – most people would have expected Rafa to win anyway. So much for being a good boy every night this week – well, at least he can forget about that now. He finds a screen to check the day’s results and quickly works out there’s going to be no-one interested for tonight. Not a big problem…..

                                                                ***************************************************

 Jamie has never seen the guy in the club before – there’s no way he’d have missed a body like that. He’s not particularly huge but he clearly does some serious working out – the effect is beautiful.

“Can I buy you a drink?”

“Just a Coke please. I need a sugar rush”. Excellent English but definitely foreign. German possibly? And presumably under 21. Over 18 though, which is all that matters.

“Haven’t seen you in here before”

“No, I’m only in town a short while”, he smiles and looks somehow both very young and very confident. Jamie is enchanted, he needs to make sure the guy hasn’t just wandered into the wrong bar by mistake but hopefully…. He leans over and whispers in the guy’s ear “you know what sort of bar this is right?” and thank fuck the response is what he was hoping for,

“Oh yes”

“And you’d like to go somewhere?”

“I have a very nice hotel room” 

“Perfect. What’s your name by the way? I’m Jamie”

“I’m ….um… Peter”

*****************************************  
The hotel room is indeed very nice – the guy might be young but he seems to be earning some serious money. Not that Jamie’s paying much attention – kissing the guy, touching him, is even better than he’d imagined.

“You are amazingly gorgeous, you know that?”

That smile. How does he do that?

“Yeah, I know”

Jamie would do anything he wants. “You like top or bottom? I’m easy either way.”

The guy hesitates. “Bottom, I think today.”

Jamie is actually very pleased he said that. He turns him over and lets his hands run over his ass. It’s beautiful like the rest of him. Would he mind if… well, let’s try… he gives it a light slap….not too much….. just enough to see if he likes it…

Jesus Christ, the guy’s face is suddenly three inches from his and his arms are held in a grip that scares him… It’s not painful but he realises that he couldn’t move even if the hotel was burning down around them. How did the guy get that strong?

“What the fuck are you doing?” He doesn’t look young and sweet now.

“I’m sorry…I’m really sorry…a lot of guys enjoy… should have asked first…really sorry…” he’s babbling like an idiot.

The guy relaxes his grip slightly. His face is still set tight though

“Just so you know, I’m not someone who gets off on pain. Not yours, not mine. Are we very, very clear about that?”

“Very clear…absolutely….totally out of order”

Suddenly the guy is smiling again. He lies back down.

“Then please carry on with what you were doing”

It’s not quite that simple. Jamie has a condom but nothing else. And that’s not going to be enough.

“Do you have any lube?”

“Top drawer”

Thank God. He coats his fingers with double the amount he would normally use and takes about twice the usual time. He has to admit though, that’s not really a hardship. It gives him longer to appreciate that beautiful body and the sounds coming from the guy as he gently opens him up are amazing. Why has he always rushed through this part? By the time he’s sure it’s safe to put his cock in he’s beyond desperate. He enters cautiously and keeps his strokes long and slow at first – when at last he can speed up and move freely he’s almost dizzy with need. He encourages “Peter” to bring himself off and then lets it all go – it’s selfish but he’s incapable of thinking about anything beyond the intensity of his own pleasure.

He collapses onto the bed and covers the guy with kisses.

“Can I see you again? Or can I just never leave?”

That smile. Oh fuck. But the words aren’t what he wants to hear at all.

“I won’t be back till next year”

“Oh no”

“But there’s always the morning”

That will have to do. What a shame. He curls up against “Peter” and lets sleep overtake him.  
Roger takes a little longer but his thoughts are pleasant. It’s the first time since Stuttgart he’s let anyone except Melek top him and apart from that little misunderstanding it had been great. He may have lost the match but the day has not been without a victory.

  
                                                                                      ************************************

                                                                                      ************************************

In his own hotel half a mile away Rafa is finding sleep a little more elusive. The brief encounter in the locker room is still digging away at him. The urge to take Roger in his arms, the need he’d felt to comfort him, he has never felt anything like that before for an opponent, not even for one of his friends. This is not something he can afford, whilst Roger had not been at his best today there was still enough there for Rafa to know he is a serious threat. These feelings should not be possible. Eventually he abandons sleep and flicks on the TV. There must be a mindless movie on somewhere……


	3. Chapter 3

March/April 2006 Miami

“Rafa, I really think we should develop a more sophisticated look for you. You do look very good in suits.”

Rafa looks at the woman without enthusiasm. He’d not liked the sound of “image consultant” and the doubts are fully justified. At least she speaks Spanish

“I know sometimes I have to do it but suits are really not my thing”

“You may not think so now but I’m sure once you see how great you could look….”

“Why do I have to change anyway? I have plenty of fans, decent sponsorships, I’m ranked No 1, my image has been fine so far”

“Rafa, you have no idea what opportunities are out there, look at Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, that’s the league you should be playing in” She smiles hopefully, she knows Rafa is a golf fan.

“I’d love to play like Tiger Woods, I don’t need to act like him”

The smile is looking a bit strained now and it turns out the worst is yet to come.

“We at Nike just want you to maximise everything that’s out there – it’s your future we’re talking about. We think you could be huge in the States – obviously the Hispanic market is big and if we could _slightly_ polish up your English, although it’s very good already……”

She’s telling him his English isn’t good enough now?

“Thanks, but I don’t have time for lessons. I’m too busy trying to win matches, because that’s what’s fucking important right?”

“There’s no need for…”

She’s right. “I’m sorry about that, I know you’re only trying to do your job. But tell Nike I’ll do the promos, wear their clothes, say the right stuff but they don’t own me. Understand?”

“We’re only trying to do our best for you Rafa”

Yeah, sure.

  
                                                        ************************************************  
The players restaurant is crowded and Rafa can’t see an empty table or anyone he knows very well. There’s a table with just one person though. Roger. Why not sit there? That odd feeling after Indian Wells has gone but he still keeps an impression that he’s a nice guy.

“All right to sit here?”

Roger looks up from his pizza.

“Of course” He eyes Rafa’s plate. “That looks a lot healthier than this”.

“Yours looks a lot nicer though”

“It does, doesn’t it?” He laughs and then takes a huge bite. Rafa has an urge to hear that laugh again, but it’s harder to be funny in English. He settles for just keeping the conversation going.

“We don’t meet until the Final, do we?”

“That’s looking a bit far ahead for me”

“Good draw?”

“Not bad. And if I make it to the Final I’m in the Top 5.”

He really has shot up the rankings. “How is life at the top?”

“It’s what I’ve worked for so I’m happy. Although being recognised is a bit strange. Total strangers acting like they know me”

“You get used to it. Most people are nice”.

Roger looks at him for a while. “It could make my life more difficult in some ways”. He seems to be challenging Rafa to pick up his meaning. Rafa has no idea how to respond.

“Wait till your sponsors make you see an image consultant.”

That sets off a wonderful spurt of giggles. You can’t not join in with them.

“Man, that sounds awful. What do they want you to do?”

“Wear more suits, mainly” He won’t humiliate himself by mentioning the other thing, especially in front of this guy whose English sounds almost perfect.

“Well, that’s something Nike won’t try on me. I don’t even own one. They aren’t paying much attention to me anyway – I need to win a big title first”

Rafa had forgotten he was with Nike too. Do they know about…? His thoughts are interrupted by the approach of another player who speaks rapidly to Roger in annoyed sounding German. He replies with something that sounds like an apology and gets up from the table.

“Sorry, I forgot I was meant to be practicing with him. It was nice talking to you”

“And you”

Rafa watches them as they move towards the door. They are laughing and the unknown man gives Roger a playful cuff to the head. He responds with a rub to the back. Nothing that Rafa wouldn’t do with any of his friends but he can’t help wondering… there’s a twinge somewhere in the depths of his stomach. Surely he’s not uncomfortable with it, is he prejudiced? It’s not a thought he likes but it’s better than the alternative – that the twinge had felt an awful lot like envy.

  
                                                            ************************************************************  
                                                              ************************************************************

The practice goes well – somehow Roger knows now how to pick the right shot. The alternatives don’t feel like they’re whirling around in his head any more – he sees what he needs to do.

“I think this one could be it for you, man.”

That’s encouraging from Melek – Roger knows he wouldn’t lie.

“I hope so. It feels like things are starting to come together”

“Good” He takes a quick look around. No-one in immediate sight. His hand wanders up under Roger’s shirt a little. “You want to go back to the hotel?”

It’s very tempting but no.

“Nothing but tennis while I’m still in this tournament. I have to go over the game plan with Peter as soon as we know who I’m playing”.

“Where is he?

“Watching Morten and Christof.”

“You won’t have a problem with either of those. I’ve looked at your draw – if you play well you can get to the Final. Why was Nadal talking to you – trying to psych you out?”

“I don’t think so. He seemed friendly”

“Why is he trying to get pally with you though? He must know you could be a threat”

“So what? If he talks to me I’m going to be nice. I don’t get what your problem is.”

“I’m not sure I know either, I’m being an asshole probably”

“Yeah, you are” But it doesn’t matter. Roger would trust Melek with anything, he can be as annoying as he wants. Speaking of which, “I never told you – I met this guy in Indian Wells and got fucked really good. It felt great”

Melek looks at him doubtfully. “What if he’d recognised you?”

“He didn’t. Don’t be so negative”

“He went slow? Not all guys have the patience.”

“I made my feelings clear. I think he was too scared to do anything else”

Melek can’t help laughing at that. “Well, it’s a weird conversation we’re having but – I’m happy for you”

“Thanks, man.” He looks suddenly more serious. “I know I owe you a lot”

“Don’t mention it”

  
                                                      *************************************************  
                                                       *************************************************  
Rafa can almost feel the expectancy in the air as he walks out onto court. The best player in the world against the guy who everyone now thinks might be a future No 1. He’s hoping to benefit from the large Hispanic contingent in the crowd although he knows Roger will get some support as the underdog. The crowd’s excitement is setting his own senses tingling and he finds himself looking forward to the contest. The strange feelings that seem to disturb him whenever he sees Roger have disappeared, submerged under his determination to win this Final.

The match starts off well for him, Roger seems a little nervous in his first Masters Final and Rafa is able to take the first set easily enough. Yet once Roger finds his game the intensity is raised to a level Rafa has rarely experienced before. Roger seems unbothered by the fact that not all his shots are finding the target, his confidence that the next shot will be a winner is undimmed. He takes the second set in a tiebreak. The crowd are loving it. They love it even more when the third and fourth sets follow the same pattern.

By now Rafa has almost forgotten why he is actually playing this match. He is consumed by a desire simply to show Roger that he is the better player. That all Roger’s brilliance will eventually be vanquished by his own ability to absorb everything that is thrown at him and give it back. His moment comes when he reaches a shot of Roger’s that even he would normally have believed was unplayable. He actually sees Roger applauding and admires the generosity even as he celebrates inside because he knows he has him now. And so it proves, soon he’s holding the trophy and watching the Spanish flags being waved by the crowd. Besides him Roger seems absorbed in his own battle to maintain composure. Rafa offers him some kind and entirely truthful words but he only nods at them and is clearly keen to escape.

Toni is waiting for him at the locker room with hugs and congratulations, he seems more animated than normal.

“You showed him that fancy shots don’t mean shit, Rafa. Excellent result”

It’s not far from what Rafa had been thinking but now he feels uncomfortable. Shouldn’t he have been thinking about the title not about rubbing Roger’s face in it?

“He played great, Tio and that shot of his should have been a winner, I don’t know how I got to it myself”

Toni looks surprised but drops the subject. “It’s a great result with clay season coming up. The year couldn’t have started much better”

No. It’s hard to see any reason why he won’t dominate clay as usual. Rafa can see Roger doesn’t have a natural game for clay, he probably won’t meet up with him that much. He has no idea if the feeling in his chest is relief or disappointment.

  
                                                    ********************************************************  
                                                      *******************************************************

  
Shit, shit, shit. Roger’s annoyance is too much for him to find release even in tears. What happened there? He’d felt he had a better game than Nadal, he’d known it was there in his racket yet still he was holding up the loser’s plate. What more could he have done? Maybe Peter has some answers. He repeats the question aloud.

“What the fuck should I have done there Peter?”

“What I’ve always told you you need to do”

“I followed our game plan totally”

“You did. And it got you very close”

“Not close enough”

“No”

This is a waste of time, Roger lifts himself from the bench. But Peter hasn’t finished.

“There are things we can work on in your game that will help you. But mainly you have to decide if you want to be No 1 or not. Nadal wants it, he’d sacrifice anything for it. But you wouldn’t”

“That’s bollocks, Peter, I’ve given up the racket smashing, I’m working harder than ever in training. What more should I be doing?”

“You’re only giving 95%. That’s enough to give you a nice life on the tour but it isn’t enough to win these matches. Nadal’s not eating shit food. He’s not picking up girls in bars”

“Neither am I”

“You know what I mean. If you want to take over from him you have to learn from him”

It’s not something Roger wants to hear but it makes sense. With something of a sinking heart he realises the first decision is waiting to be made. Peter seems to pick up on it.

“You going to fly home tonight?”

Is he? The clubs in Miami are tempting. An image of Nadal smiling as he holds the trophy comes into his mind.

“I am”

“Good. Take a day’s rest – proper rest - and then we start”

                                                                  **************************************************


	4. Chapter 4

May 2006: French Open

  
The room is crowded when Rafa arrives for the photo shoot and it’s not immediately obvious where he has to go. Luckily a Nike minion spots him.  
“Rafa, we have a spot here where you can wait. I’m sure Roger will be here in a moment.” She gives him a quick appraisal “You look fantastic”

Rafa has reached something of a compromise with the image manipulators. Very smart polo and good trousers. It doesn’t feel entirely him but there’s no denying the evidence of the mirror. It looks good. The minion escorts him to the spot and he sits listening to the babble of English and French all around him.

“Hey man.”

He looks up to see Roger approaching him. If the image consultants have been getting at him too then they’ve obviously reached different conclusions about how he and Rafa should look. He’s wearing jeans and the sort of casual T-shirt that actually costs more than a decent suit.

“Hello, great shirt”

He succeeds in provoking that wonderful smile.

“Thanks, my present from Nike for the win in Portugal”

Roger has performed better on clay than Rafa had expected. The win in Estoril, semis in Rome and solid everywhere. They’ve managed to avoid each other and Rafa doesn’t think he would have had any problems but Wimbledon is a different issue. There’s been much talk of Roger as a potential Wimbledon champion.

The organisers are still not ready and some cameramen are arguing in loud French right in front of them. Rafa finds it amusing.

“They sound like they’re going to kill each other”

“They’re arguing about the lighting. One of them thinks we’ll end up looking like ghosts on that setting”

“You speak French? I thought you were Swiss German?”

“I am. But I speak French as well.”

Perfect English, French and German. Rafa thinks, somewhat sourly, that the guy was obviously destined to be the World’s No 1 player. Sponsors are going to love him. Shame he isn’t going to have a model girlfriend and a nice wedding.

As if reading his thoughts Roger offers a sort of apology.

“My French isn’t brilliant. Stan says I sound like a kid – I have terrible grammar apparently.”

Stan? Wawrinka presumably. Of course, he’d forgotten he was Swiss too. But he’s ashamed of his annoyance – it’s not Roger’s fault is it? They are interrupted by the Nike minion.

“They’re ready to go. Photos first and then the press guys will ask some questions. They’ve been told to keep it friendly so you should have no problems.”

They do a series of individual photos –Rafa could do this in his sleep, Roger looks a little awkward but happy enough – then they’re asked to come together. Roger flings an arm around his shoulders, Rafa puts his around his back and there’s a barrage of lights in their faces. “You guys look great together” one of the men shouts encouragingly. Roger seems about to burst out laughing and it’s all a bit awkward. For some reason Rafa’s heart is beating at a peculiar rate, he must be tired from the earlier photos. Despite this, he feels almost bereft when the session is finished.

The questions are indeed friendly and answers flow “Yes, we’ve had great seasons so far” “Yes, we’re looking forward to it” “Yes, Roger’s obviously got amazing talent” “Of course, Rafa’s the player I admire the most”

The Nike minion seems delighted “You guys really do look great together. We must do a bit more of this”

This time Roger can’t prevent the giggles and Rafa is incapable of not joining in. The Nike minion looks a little puzzled but leaves them to it. Roger is the first to calm down.

“You want to get lunch? One of the French players told me there’s a great café just outside”

Rafa knows now, beyond doubt, that that is a bad idea. He also knows that he can no more say no to it than he could throw away a match.

“That’s a good idea.”

  
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The café is indeed very good and it’s early enough in the day for it to be pretty quiet. They can sit at a table out of earshot from everyone which makes it feel more relaxed. Roger’s eventual choice looks a lot healthier than pizza.

 

“Are you on a diet?”  
“Sort of” He looks a little uncomfortable. “My coach convinced me I needed to do it. I’m not sure it makes much difference though. What do you think?”

“The food I like is fairly healthy anyway. Pasta, fish, it’s all good”

“Lucky you. If I win a big tournament I’m going on a blow-out. One night only”

“Can I come too?”

Roger looks at him steadily. “What if I beat you in the Final?”

“Then I’ll get very drunk as well”

Roger looks startled for a moment, then bursts into laughter. Rafa notices the café owner is starting to smile too. Is there anyone out there who doesn’t laugh when this man laughs? He takes a bite out of his food to compose himself – the fish is cooked perfectly.

“How come you speak English and French so well – I really envy you that”

“My mum’s South African so I’ve always spoken English. French was harder” He leans back in his chair. “I went to the National Tennis Center when I was 14. They’d moved to this city. Biel, where they speak German and French – it was supposed to make life easier for German kids – they’d had a really bad time before. It meant I could go to a German school but loads of the coaches and kids only spoke French”

“So you picked it up from them?”

“Sort of. I didn’t like that they could be talking about me and I wouldn’t know what they were saying. So I worked hard to learn it – I’m not really perfect but I can say what I want to say. And I understand everything.” Rafa notices how much older he looks when he’s talking seriously – he senses the toughness that lies beneath all the giggles and smiles. For all the talk about Roger being a threat, this is the first time Rafa has sensed it at a gut level. But suddenly he’s laughing again.

“I do swear a lot in French – result of learning it as a teenager. And I needed it “

He carries on chatting about life in Biel – it’s fascinating to Rafa – so different to his own junior years spent with his family. As much as he raged against Toni sometimes he realises how secure that environment was. Coping with a foster family, a different language, he had nothing like that.

“Should I get coffees?”

“Yes please”

The café owner is smiling even more at Roger as he buys the coffees. He seems reluctant to let him pay, but eventually takes the money.

“He looks happy. Does he recognise us?”

“I don’t think so. He just fancies me”

Rafa doesn’t know what to say to that. Roger smiles but it’s not the innocent smile of before.

“Come on, don’t pretend you don’t hear the gossip.”

There doesn’t seem much point in pretending, but he doesn’t know quite what to say. “It’s brave of you, I know there are idiots in the locker room”

“I don’t listen to them. I know who my friends are”

Does this mean Rafa is considered a friend? Not an enemy at least.

“Will you go public? Would Nike drop you?”

“I don’t think so, they know it would be " _very bad for the brand"_ if that came out. But I’m not going public – it doesn’t really matter if people work it out but I don’t want to deal with the publicity at the moment. I’d rather focus on tennis”

Rafa has questions but no idea if they’re intrusive or not. He decides to risk it.

“Can I ask you a couple of things? I’ve no idea if I’m being too.. he doesn’t know the English word... “ _curioso_ do you know what that means?”

“I can guess. Ask away – if I don’t like it I won’t answer”

“Did you always know?”

“No. Do you want the full story?”

“If you don’t mind”.

“I didn’t really think about sex that much when I was younger– I was too busy with tennis and gaming and stuff. When I did sleep with girls it felt…..OK but not great – I just assumed I’d fall in love some day and that would make it better. But then I went with a friend of mine… a guy…and” …there is a long pause… “it just felt so right, like that’s what I was meant to be doing.”

“And that guy – he’s your….?”

“Boyfriend? You can say the word, Rafa. No, but we’re close”

Asking for more details would definitely be too much. Are there other questions in his mind? Before he can think of any Roger gets up from the table.

“We’d better go. The place is getting full.”

Rafa hadn’t noticed but Roger is right – it would be easy for people to overhear now. The café owner gives them a lingering glance as they leave.

  
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Back at the hotel Rafa has a couple of hours to kill before a physio session with Maymo. There’s a good film on but for all the distraction it provides he might as well just look at the walls. What were the questions he would have liked to ask Roger - is there someone in your life, what does it feel like to be with a man, what would it feel like if I ran my hand through your hair, what would it feel like if I kissed you?

Where the hell has this come from? He’s never looked at a guy in this way before – and he’s seen plenty of male bodies in the locker room. Perhaps he should just avoid Roger in the future – no, that isn’t going to happen. Roger is fun and interesting – his life is very different to his own – he is intrigued by that and wants to know more. They can't really avoid each other anyway. He just needs to find a way of dealing with this so that he can be friends with Roger without wanting to….

This is no good. He needs a better distraction. Perhaps a computer game… and he’ll ring Feli to see if he wants to come round tonight. Although Feli will probably want to go out … Fuck, he must be the most brainless idiot ever to set foot on a tennis court. Nearly a year since the break up with Cristina and how often has he had sex since then? Three or four times? He’d taken the opportunity to devote himself to tennis and it had paid off in terms of results but clearly he’s gone too far and it’s starting to affect his mind. Well no more, time to get a better balance in his life. He dials Feli’s number….. what a relief to have worked everything out……………

 

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“So this is what being no 4 in the world gets you. Nice one” Melek looks around the hotel room with obvious appreciation. “This is bigger than my entire house”

“I like being comfortable. It’s good for my tennis”

“Is inviting me round good for your tennis?”

“I don’t play for three days. Plenty of time.” Roger has stuck to his resolve on not going out but it hasn’t been entirely easy – there isn’t always anyone around on the tour – and he’s very glad to see Melek now. He pulls him onto the bed but then he breaks off – he realises he doesn’t want to rush this.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just want to take my time. When did you get here?”

“Yesterday. While you were having your cosy little lunch date with Nadal”.

“How the hell do you know about that?”

“You haven’t seen the pictures? Give me your laptop.” Roger hands it over for Melek to search. “Look”

There they are. A couple of photos, a little blurry and obviously just from someone’s phone, but definitely him and Rafa chatting in the café. A quick scroll reveals that most people are saying it’s nice to see rivals getting on but one or two are speculating about something more interesting.

“I told you Nadal was trying to psych you out. He must be worried, he doesn’t normally get friendly with rivals.”

“He does when he’s attracted to them”

That stops Melek dead.

“You serious?”

“Yes. I didn’t realise it until yesterday”

“Fucking hell. And you – do you think he’s attractive?”

“You’ve seen him haven’t you? But you know my rules on straight guys.”

“Like you ever stick to rules. But Nadal …that’s not a good idea….”

Roger starts running his hand under Melek’s shirt and then lets it wander further down. “I don’t know why you’re so surprised he likes me. You seem to like me well enough yourself”

“It’s not quite the same thing. And if you want me to last more than five seconds you’ll stop doing that.”

Roger lifts his hand away.

“Thank you. Are you going to avoid him? So you won’t torment his poor little straight soul?”

It’s a good question. Truthfully, Roger isn’t sure what to do. ”I don’t want to mess with his head but I like him - he’s a nice person. And how can we avoid each other? I think we’re both just going to have to deal with it somehow. But forget about him. What are you in the mood for?”

“Anything you like”

“Can I fuck you?”

“Sure. But don’t take all day about it. Not all of us want hours of prep.”

“You don’t like this sort of prep?” Roger eases his shorts down and turns him over. Two minutes later it seems Melek has changed his mind

“Oh fuck… don’t stop doing that…..please…”

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	5. Chapter 5

July 2006: Wimbledon

 

How can a place so beautiful also cause you so much pain? Two Final losses to Roddick and the secret, barely acknowledged fear that this may be the one he never wins. There are great players who have never won Wimbledon but Rafa knows it must always be a gap in their lives – over their names the shadow is always there – he never won Wimbledon……

This year is his chance. Andy Roddick is injured – his tormentor will not be there. There are players he has to worry about – Roger of course, – maybe Novak if he doesn’t succumb to one of his frequent mystery ailments, Marat if he’s having one of his good days. Still, ever since they knew that Roddick’s injury might prevent him defending his title Rafa and Toni have shared the same unspoken thought – this is the one.

 They have selected his practice partners carefully – it’s not as much fun as playing with his old friends but he needs people who can pose the challenges he will face out there - solving the problems on the practice court will give him the confidence he needs. After much agonising he and Toni had decided not to play a grass warm-up – what he would gain in match practice he would lose in freshness. Too late now to wonder if it was the right decision. But the sessions are going very well.

 “You seem in great form for this one, Rafa” Joachim has been given a hard time in the practice and is relieved to be sitting on the bench. He was a good choice of partner with his fast serve – Rafa was lucky to find someone suitable who is also a Spanish speaker.

 “Thanks, I know it will be hard though. Even without Roddick”

 “I hope you do it this time. You deserve it”

 Rafa is touched but makes a joke of it. “I guess people feel that way when you lose two finals”

 “You’ll get a lot of support on the tour. Especially if you beat Federer.”

 Roger isn’t liked on tour? He’d always seemed friendly enough.

 Joachim continues “I mean, should people like that even be on tour? It’s not very nice in the locker room to think someone’s looking at you that way”  
“People like that…you mean people with amazing talent?”

 Joachim looks startled “No offence, man… I’m not prejudiced…”

 Rafa is still furious but he’s struggling with himself – what will people think if he defends Roger too much? That thought makes him even angrier – although this time with himself – and he throws caution to the wind.

 “No, of course you aren’t. And don’t worry – I’m sure Roger woudn’t find a shit like you attractive anyway”

 As he leaves the practice courts Rafa suspects that he will soon be having to find another fast-serving partner….

  
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It doesn’t take Carlos long to figure out something is wrong. Lunch has been a little tense.

 “What’s eating at you Rafa? I know this is an important tournament but you need to try and stay relaxed”

 “It’s not that.” Perhaps it would be a relief to talk about it. ”I had an argument with Joachim – and now I’m going to have to find someone to replace him”

 Carlos makes a face. “That’s a shame, his game was ideal. What on earth did you argue about – he knows what he’ll get practicing with you”  
“It wasn’t that. He made a… nasty comment about Roger and I…exploded”.

 Carlos doesn’t respond instantly. “You sure that was a good idea?”

 “You think I shouldn’t have said anything?”

 “No, but maybe you should have stayed calm. There’s already a bit of gossip after that photo in Paris.”

 “I can’t have lunch with a fellow pro who happens to be gay? Because people will assume I want to fuck him?”

 “Stop shouting, you’re just making it worse.”

 “There’s no-one within a mile of us who understands Mallorquin. Do you have a problem with Roger being on tour – because I’m beginning to wonder?”

 “Of course I don’t. And it’s good that you’re standing up for what’s right. Just….be sensible about it.”

 “I’m the no 1 ranked player, Carlos. If I can’t speak out about this, who can?”

 Carlos doesn’t respond to that and the conversation moves on but the tension remains.

 “You doing anything this afternoon? You want me to thrash you at Parchese?

 “No, I’ve got an appearance to do for Kia. Actually, I’d better go and find the chauffeur.”

 Being silent whilst he’s driven to the photoshoot is a relief but the anger doesn’t entirely go away. Is this what Roger puts up with all the time – little nasty comments and looks, the knowledge that some people don’t even think he has a right to be there – he’d said he just ignored it but is that really possible? It must hurt at some level, surely, however strong he is. If there’s anything Rafa can do to help then he will do it.

  
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It seems that Roger can do no wrong at the moment – through to the third round easily enough, a very solid practice session with Stan and now Stan can’t even beat him at any computer game they’ve tried out this afternoon.

Eventually Stan throws down the console.

“This is a fucking waste of time.”

“You’re such a bad loser.”

Stan moves a little closer to him. “I think I’m just feeling a little tense”

It’s an obvious invitation. Roger does, in fact, relax his rules on straight guys for Stan. He’s a good friend and, unlike one or two others in the past, doesn’t act as if he’s doing Roger a huge favour.

“Come on”

Stan never asks for more than a blow job but his appreciation is always loud. Roger also makes sure he doesn’t last too long – they both have matches tomorrow.

“Thanks man, you do that better than anyone”

“You’ve tried it with other guys? Something you want to tell me?

“You know what I mean” He gives Roger a mischievous look. “Anyway, what about you and Nadal? Something you want to tell me?”

“I would if I knew what the fuck you were talking about.”

“You know, about his bust up with Joachim” He stops at Roger’s look of bewilderment. “Oh shit, you haven’t heard”

“No. But tell me”

“Nadal was practicing with Joachim Perez and Joachim said something about you.” Stan looks upset “Sorry, man”

“It doesn’t matter, I know how it is”

“You shouldn’t have to know it. But apparently Nadal blew up at him and told him where to go”

“He’s a nice guy, Nadal. I can imagine he wouldn’t take shit like that”

“It’s decent of him – one of my friends knows him quite well and says he hates people gossiping about him – he must have known he’d get it after that”

“I suppose so” Roger doesn’t want to talk about it, even with Stan, and in fact it’s something of a relief when Stan leaves. He hasn’t actually thought much about Rafa since leaving Paris after his quarter final defeat. Rafa had gone on to win as usual and hasn’t played a tournament since. His attraction to Roger had seemed like the usual curiosity he sometimes gets from straight guys – it doesn’t bother him but nor does he feel any obligation to satisfy it. But defending him from morons like Joachim knowing the grief he’s going to get? That’s touching and disturbing and uncomfortable and somehow Roger doesn’t want to think about it at all.

  
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It’s important that Roger speaks with Rafa privately but that isn’t too easy. He finds a moment in the locker room after Rafa has won his fourth round match.

“Great match, you looked really solid.”

“Thanks, I’ve only seen your results but they look great”

“Not had anyone too difficult so far.” He looks around, no one in earshot if he keeps his voice quiet. “I wanted to say thank you – I heard about Joachim – that was… good of you”

“That’s OK. You shouldn’t have to put up with shit like that”

“Maybe not. But…Rafa… you’re going to take shit yourself if you speak up. You don’t have to do that for me” He’s getting the words out but it’s not easy – he feels a little teary to be honest. Better keep those to himself. He has a horrible feeling Rafa has noticed though.

  
“Roger, you told me you just ignored it but… it can’t be that easy can it? And what about other guys on tour? You can’t be the only one this affects”

Roger laughs at that. “Definitely not.”

“Perhaps you shouldn’t tell me any more.” They’ve lightened the atmosphere and it helps but Roger gets up to go. They may be playing in the semis soon, they should probably keep some distance.

“Thanks again”

“No problem”

  
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After he’s gone, Rafa heads for the shower, grateful for a little space to think. Resuming a normal sex life and not seeing Roger for a while had seemed to work, the desire to touch him had faded from his mind. Even defending him against Joachim had seemed more disgust at stupid prejudice than anything personal. Yet talking to Roger, seeing Roger upset, instantly reveals how much he has been kidding himself ….it can’t simply be about sex…he still has no inclination towards any other man. But he wants to make Roger laugh and hear about his life and tell him how all the idiots don’t matter and after that he’ll kiss him and run his hands over his chest and his back and his ass and between his legs and…. he leans his head against the shower tiles. How is he supposed to play against Roger feeling like this? He thinks about their previous matches and remembers that burning desire he felt in Miami to show him who was the better player. He lets that feeling build in his chest for a while then he dresses and goes to meet the press. They are already talking up a possible semi with Federer. He will be ready.

  
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The buzz from the crowd is almost palpable – Roger had known this was an eagerly anticipated match but nothing quite prepares you. He’s discussed it all with Peter though – you have to let it flow through you, give you energy. Rafa goes through his usual routines – they’re so predictable that it’s somehow calming – it’s pretty clear also that Rafa has no thoughts about Roger other than making sure he emerges as the loser. This too is reassuring.

As the match progresses it’s obvious that the work he has done with Peter is paying off. His stronger backhand has clearly taken Rafa by surprise – it had been a risky strategy to keep it mainly for practice rather than matches but it’s paying off. Much harder is keeping his mind steady – he has to be the aggressor and go for his shots but accept that some will go astray – he knows that Rafa is waiting to punish mistakes. “Learn the difference between aggression and impatience” Peter had said it so often it got boring but now Roger fully understands what he means, he knows he’s not getting it right every time but is he close enough?

  
The crunch comes in the fourth set – Roger has a break point and the chance to go for a winner – somehow it feels too risky and he keeps it safe. Four shots later and another chance comes – this time it feels right and he sees Rafa just failing to reach it. It should be easy from now on but of course it’s Rafa – every point is fought to the last. Yet it’s not enough – they are hugging at the net – Roger hears a whispered “well done” – he reaches his chair and buries his face in a towel. He’s barely aware of the cheering crowd – it takes him a minute to remember to get up and acknowledge them. Rafa looks stoical in defeat, no sign of what he must be feeling visible on his face – they walk off together but then break away to sign autographs. Outside the locker room Peter envelops him in a hug but seems to have no words – they both know that celebrations are premature – there’s a Final to win – but they’re reluctant to let reality intrude. The reality awaits him in the locker room – when he finally enters Rafa looks calm but that can only be a front surely.

“Well done, Roger, great match”

“Thank you”. Is there anything consoling he can say? No, and Rafa doesn’t seem to expect that anyway. He gets up but touches Roger on the arm as he heads for the door.

“Make sure you win the Final”

  
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“You don’t want Federer to win the Final – you don’t want him to get the confidence. Don’t be an idiot”

  
Toni’s view is clear. Rafa has opted not to watch and instead is relieving his feelings by beating him on the golf course. And Toni is, of course, right. Yet he had also been sincere in wishing Roger well for the Final. Oh well, at least it means he’ll have something to be happy about whoever wins.

He would have preferred to blank out the match altogether but of course that proves impossible – his phone is buzzing with messages. Once he’s home he finds a TV and there are the pictures which confirm everything – Roger holding up the trophy and alternately smiling and crying. It doesn’t exactly make him happy – the pain of it not being him is as strong as ever – but he feels no resentment and Roger's joy is touching. And somehow he had lost faith that he would ever defeat Roddick here yet he has no such feeling about Roger -  there will be another chance to win. Perhaps he should send Roger a message – except that in their few conversations he’s never actually got his number. There may be a way though…he phones a contact at Nike….

“Hi, do you have Roger’s number please? I want to send him my congratulations.”

 “I’m not allowed to give that out but I can send him yours and ask him to contact you. Would that work?”

 “Sure”

 Shortly afterwards he gets a message

**Hello. This is my number. Roger**

He thinks hard over what to send.

**Well done on the win. Hope you’ve got the pizzas in**

 And gets a reply

**Loads of them. Wish you were here getting drunk. See you in Toronto?**

Rafa finds his eyes smarting that Roger has remembered the conversation.

 **Definitely**  
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In fact, it’s probably just as well that Rafa is not at this party. After all the celebrations with his family and friends Melek drags him and a select few off to a club where he’s booked a private room. It’s a wild night. Near the end Melek takes him aside.

“I brought a friend. You want to have fun?”

Roger is drunk enough for anything to sound good.

“Sure”

After they’ve found a bedroom Melek kisses him till he feels even more drunk.

“How do you want to do this, man? It’s your night.”

What does he want? Actually he knows.

“Come here.” He lies on his side and puts his arms around Melek.. “Okay, he can do what he likes now. Surprise me.”

It feels as good as he’d expected – headily exciting and totally safe at the same time. To think there was a time when he thought he’d never be able to enjoy this. That there was a time he feared he’d never fulfil his talent. The future seems full of possibilities. More wins, more triumphs, falling in love even. He wants it all.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sadly there is evidence that the homophobia on display here still exists around the Tour.


	6. Chapter 6

August 2006: Cincinatti

  
“I think you’re fully recovered now, Rafa, no reason why you shouldn’t do well here” The doctor’s words had been encouraging. He had had to pull out of Toronto – he certainly didn’t want to miss this one as well. Four days before the first round – the injury cleared up – life feels good. Carlos is waiting for him at the practice court– Toni has decided to skip this one, he knows Rafa never slackens his effort. By the end of the session Carlos is looking tired.

“Save some energy for actually playing a match, Rafa.”

“Have I ever had a problem with that?”

 Carlos laughs “No. And I think you can get this one. Andy's not really fit yet, Roger’s still hungover after Wimbledon, it’s there for the taking”

 Rafa has resigned himself to not being able to hear Roger’s name without emotion. Luckily he’s also become good at hiding it.

 “I saw Roger had gone out early in Toronto – did he play badly?”

 “I didn’t see the match – someone told me he looked a bit unfocussed. It’s not easy after you win your first slam – as we both know”. That one French Open win has always given their friendship a comfortable feel – the difference between being a Slam winner, even if only once, and never having achieved it is huge. If Roger is still feeling the effects of Wimbledon, all the better for Rafa’s chances.

  
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As if talking about Roger has brought him magically to life he’s actually sitting having lunch in the players’ restaurant. Carlos has had to go for a meeting so it seems like fate. After Wimbledon Rafa had decided that indulging his fascination with Roger was a very bad idea. That decision has no effect on his behaviour whatsoever.

“Ok to sit here? How’s life since the big win? Was it a good party?”

“It was a great party, thank you. Not that I remember all of it.”

“Best that way.”

 “Yeah.” He pauses and then the words come in a bit of a rush. “Did it seem weird to you when you started winning big? All the press, the attention?”

 Rafa thinks back. “I had to get used to it.” He smiles. “It helped that I couldn’t speak English that well. I pretended it was even worse than it was.”

“Not an option for me. I shouldn’t have said I spoke French though”

Is it Rafa’s imagination or does he look just a little bit tired? Not very different, just not giving off quite the same bouncing energy.

“Maybe I could help?” All remnants of common sense abandon him suddenly. “Why don’t you come round tonight? We could talk about it – there are things I’ve learnt which might be useful?”

“That would be great. Where are you staying?” They exchange details, then Roger has to go for a photo-shoot. After he’s gone Rafa contemplates the walls for a while. Was that the most stupid thing he’s ever done or the most sensible? It’s also going to take a bit of planning.

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“Keep everyone away from my rooms tonight Tio, I’m having a friend round.”

Toni looks a little suspicious.

“Anyone I know?”

“Not exactly.”

“Well, it’s still three days from your match, I guess it can’t do much harm”

_Item 1 ticked off._

“Can I order food for tonight please?” He’s decided cooking for Roger would look too much like a date. Which of course this isn’t. Take out is a much better idea.

_Item 2 ticked off._

After a shower he wonders whether the blue shirt or the green would look better. Although it doesn’t matter at all since this is not a date.

 _Item 3 ticked off._  
             

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If Roger himself thinks this is a date he doesn’t show much sign of it. He’s wearing jeans and a casual T-shirt, tucks into the food with relish and generally makes himself at home. The conversation is easy – Roger seems to enjoy hearing everything Rafa has to say. It brings back a lot of memories – so many things that Rafa now takes for granted had seemed strange at first. Roger is looking much more relaxed than he did earlier.

“This is great, man. I know I looked a bit off at lunch. I’d had an annoying interview with one of the magazines”

“I’m afraid you’ll get plenty of those.”

“This one was obviously digging around about girlfriends. They all hear the gossip, they all know, so why do they bother?”

“Because they never give up. When I split up with Cristina it’s all they wanted to ask about, even though they knew I wouldn’t tell them anything.”

“That must have been hard.”

“Yes” He doesn’t want to talk about Cristina. “You don’t want to be” …..what’s the word ….. “out?”

“Not at the moment. If I had a boyfriend it might be different – a serious boyfriend wouldn’t want to be hidden away would he? But right now I’d get all the hassle for nothing.”

That makes sense. And the news shouldn’t make Rafa feel as happy as it does. He has a horrible feeling his emotions are showing as well.

“Let me clear this away. Coffee?”

“Please”

He takes his time over making the coffee – he needs to calm down before he makes a complete fool of himself. He’s so intent that he doesn’t realise Roger has come up close behind him, when he turns around the coffee ends up on the floor.

“Sorry, God, didn’t mean to make you do that”

“It’s OK” He finds a cloth to wipe the floor. When he gets up Roger is still standing in the same place.

“Rafa…I might be totally out of line here… but..…you seem a little on edge”. He sounds like he’s trying not to laugh.

Suddenly it seems like too much hard work to hide things. “”I guess I am”. He looks Roger straight in the eye. Let him laugh or look horrified if he wants to.

Actually he simply looks worried. “Rafa, it’s OK – a lot of straight guys are curious – it’s normal but…. I like guys to want _me_ – does that make sense? They don’t have to pretend to be in love – I might not even see them again…but…”

Is that the only issue? “Roger, if I just wanted sex with a man, wouldn’t it be easier for me to find it somewhere else? Not with a rival, not someone I have lunch with and it’s all over the Internet.” Little sense in holding back now. “I know it would be completely stupid, you should walk away now probably, but don’t do that because you think I don’t want you.”

But he doesn’t get to say any more because now he’s being kissed and Roger has his arms around him and it doesn’t feel much like he’d imagined it but he doesn’t want it to stop, ever. Eventually they break apart.

“I guess you’ve convinced me Rafa.”

Obviously. What now? “This is a a stupid question, but what do we actually do? I’ve never…”

Roger can’t hold back the laughter now. “Whatever you want”

He knows what he wants. It’s what he’s been imagining for months. He slips his hands under Roger’s shirt and feels his way along the muscles of his chest and his back. Would it be too much to unzip his jeans? Should he ask? Well, Roger can just stop him if he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t seem to mind though nor does he mind Rafa’s hands sliding into his shorts and stroking his ass and then, at last, Rafa can go where he’s been wanting to go for so long and start exploring between his legs, letting his fingers move over every crease and then that sudden, shocking hardness. It feels so strange, so weird and yet so good he forgets where he is, he’s dimly aware of Roger’s hands digging into his back, of the little breathy sounds coming out of both of them, but he’s so lost in his own thoughts that Roger’s voice when it comes is almost startling.

“Rafa, you know that thing where I like guys, right?”

“Yes?”

“It means - what you’re doing is really nice, it’s just…I’d like more”

“Oh.” What should he do now? Start removing his own clothes? He must look like a total idiot. Roger seems to realise he’ll have to take charge.

“Come on. Let’s get comfortable”

He moves over to the bed, waits for Rafa to settle beside him and then pulls him in close.

“Just get used to this OK? There’s no rush”

It does feel good, Rafa lets himself relax and just enjoys being close for a few minutes. Whatever happens is going to be fine. As if picking up his thoughts Roger props himself up on his elbow and starts stroking him over his shirt.

“If I do something you don’t like just tell me – we try something else. And please take this off…….that’s much better”

He starts kissing Rafa’s stomach then his back – that does feel good – he lets Roger pull down his jeans and start kissing his ass – that’s even better yet somehow he’s not prepared for Roger taking him in his mouth – he arches his back and grips Roger’s shoulders – it seems so…..

“You OK? You don’t like that?”

“No. I like it”. It shouldn’t feel so different to a woman doing that should it? And yet it does. He’s actually shaking slightly. Shit.

He feels Roger stroking his leg. “We can stop whenever you want”.

No, he doesn’t want that. The realisation seems to calm his nerves. “Try again”. And this time it just feels good – he lets his instincts take over and begins to realise just how much he’s enjoying this – Roger’s tongue is finding its way over the top – he actually does need to make him stop now. He pushes on his shoulder.

“Not good?”

“Too good. I don’t want it to be over that quick.”

That provokes the grin he loves so much. Roger seems to hesitate for a moment then rolls him onto his stomach.

“This won’t hurt but not everyone gets off on it. So tell me if you don’t” He looks serious for a moment “Don’t put up with anything you don’t like”.

“I won’t”

Roger parts his ass cheeks and then settles his face in between. Rafa feels his tongue exploring and it’s ticklish but good and then FUCK, he buries his head in the pillow because otherwise he’s going to scream so loud that the entire hotel will hear him. Nothing has ever felt like this…. Eventually Roger takes a break for air.

“You like that?”

“I love it”

“You want to touch yourself while I do it? That feels good, I promise.”

No, that isn’t what he wants. “I want you to fuck me”

Roger looks surprised but also troubled - doesn’t he like the idea?.

“You haven’t been with a guy, I know. Have you ever tried with a finger or a toy?”

“No”

Roger looks even more doubtful now. “Rafa, it can hurt the first time, especially if you haven’t tried anything like it before. If you want to fuck, then fuck me. That would be better”.

“No” Rafa has no idea if he will have this chance again, maybe Roger will think that being with a rival is too much hassle, or that the sex wasn’t good enough. It needs to happen right now. “I trust you, and I’m used to pain, even if there is some I can handle it”.

“I’m not into pain, Rafa, I won’t give it even if a guy asks for it.”

God, what’s the matter with him? Getting angry won’t persuade him though. “Look, try it and if it hurts, even a little bit, I’ll tell you to stop. Promise. But I want it, I really do.”

“Promise?”

“Yes”

“Ok” He gets off the bed and finds his jacket, rummaging in the pockets. Rafa suddenly wonders whether he’s always prepared or whether he knew full well what Rafa wanted from the evening. Better not to know for the moment.

“Any spare pillows?”

“Wardrobe”

When he returns to the bed he pulls Rafa on to his knees and props some pillows under his hips.

“I don’t want to be explaining your thigh strains to Toni, all right?”

“Try not to spoil the mood Roger”

That seems to lighten the atmosphere. Roger covers his fingers in lube.

“This is going to be slow, right? Tell me when it feels good….”

“SHIT”

“There?”

“YES”

After that Rafa forgets any fear, he’s just losing himself in sensation. Sometimes the stretch is a little uncomfortable but it’s not painful and it feels so good –– there’s no point telling Roger to hurry up but he’s having to bite his lip to stop himself. At last he feels Roger pulling his fingers out and turns to see him slipping on a condom. He catches Rafa’s eye.

“I’m serious, any pain and we stop, this isn’t porn”

“Promise”

He buries his head in the pillow so that if it is painful no single little sound will escape him. In fact, it doesn’t really hurt much at all - it feels incredible. Even better once Roger starts to speed up – Rafa urges him on loudly until he can sense he’s close, he tightens his own muscles in response – Jesus, that feels so good, Roger grasps his waist as if he would drown without it and then he’s gently pulling out.

He smiles at Rafa.

“You OK?”

“Yeah. That was amazing.”

“You wouldn’t let me touch you though”

“No, I wanted to wait” He hesitates but luckily Roger seems to read his mind, he rolls round and takes him in his mouth again, Rafa’s last coherent thought is that it’s unlikely to take long…..

It doesn’t. Afterwards they’re both too exhausted to move from the bed. Rafa wonders if he’s ever felt so much at peace. He’d wanted Roger and now he’s here with him and he will always have that no matter what. It’s Roger who breaks the silence.

“Our first round opponents would be feeling hopeful if they could see us now”

Tennis still exists? Somewhere out in the real world it probably does.

“There’s plenty of time. Unless you want to come back tomorrow?”

“No chance. You’ll be sore”

Rafa is beginning to realise he’s probably right. It was so worth it though. And nothing like Roger had seemed to fear. The implications of that are sinking in, he hadn’t really thought it through before, he’d been too intent on what he’d wanted.

“Roger”… is there a sensitive way to ask this “Was your first…was it not very good?”.

Roger looks up at the ceiling but answers calmly enough.

“No, not really. I suppose you were going to work that out.” Rafa doesn’t know whether he should ask for more but Roger obviously decides it’s better to tell him something.

“I was playing in Stuttgart a couple of years ago and I met this guy – I really wanted him to do it but neither of us knew what we were doing and he was...” he turns away from Rafa “rough. I don’t know that he meant to be, I think he just thought that was the way you were supposed to do it. We were stupid.”

No wonder he’d been worried. Jesus.

“But Roger, you said I could… I hope that means…

He turns back and Rafa’s relieved to see he’s smiling. “Second time it was with someone I knew and trusted so it’s fine now. But I meant what I said, I don’t do pain, ever. That one time was enough”

“I’m sorry I pushed you. But honestly you didn’t hurt me”

“Good” He gets up from the bed. “Don’t be insulted but I want a shower. And...” he looks suddenly embarrassed “Do you want me to stay the night?”

“Yes, very much.” It had never occurred to him that Roger might not stay. “If you don’t mind”

“No, I’d like that”

He doesn’t take long to fall asleep and that suits Rafa very well, he can simply look at Roger and run his hand gently through his hair in the way he’s been wanting to do for a long time. The morning beckons with complicated questions, do they do this again, how can it even be managed, but the morning is a long way away.

  
                                                                   ************************************************  
Morning comes all too quickly. Rafa has set his alarm early – he doesn’t want to find there’s no time to talk before training – he’d forgotten to ask Roger about his schedule

He gives him a gentle shake “Sorry, I didn’t know what time you had to be up. It’s probably a bit early”

Roger emits a groan then looks at the clock. “Way too early” He pulls himself up and smiles at Rafa – he looks hazy and messy and somehow utterly beautiful – Rafa’s heart contracts at the thought that this might only be a one-night thing. How does he ask without risking frightening him off?

“Should I make us something to eat?” Although that’s not what he actually wants at all.

“In a minute”. Roger looks hesitant then he wraps his arms around him. “Could we just be like this first?”

Perhaps Roger is also uncertain about things. The feeling of being held is blissful and it gives Rafa the courage to start talking.

“Roger, can I be _curioso_ again – give me the word for that”

“Nosy”

“OK, you said there wasn’t a serious boyfriend……………..

  
                                                 *****************************************  
                                                ******************************************

Rafa’s nosiness is endearing – he’s trying to be tactful and yet dig for information at the same time. Roger takes pity on him.

“No, there isn’t”

“But you…have sex?”

“Of course. You’ve had sex since splitting up with your girlfriend, haven’t you?”

“Yes. But it must be harder for you.”

“It’s not that hard. There are guys on tour. I can’t name them but we find each other. Before Wimbledon I could go out with guys outside the tour as well” He still hasn’t quite adjusted to the loss of freedom there – of course he now has plenty of money to pay for it but that’s not an option he likes.

“Please tell me to shut up when I start being too…what was it… nosy?... you haven’t been in love with any of them?”

“That’s very nosy. But it’s OK. And no. One of them is a close friend but we’re not in love”. He can’t explain about Melek right now, the way he had brought back safety and trust into a world that had suddenly become dangerous. He isn’t likely to think that fucking Rafa was a good idea either. Still, he will have to be told, a world where Roger has secrets from Melek is not a world that feels safe at all.

“Then there’s no reason why….” Rafa is clearly trying to look casual and failing completely …”we can’t do this again?”

“I’d like to.” He gives Rafa a lingering kiss to confirm his words. “We can’t pretend it’s going to be easy though.”

“No. But can we not discuss that now?”

“What would you rather do now?”

“I’d like to just do stuff without you asking me if it’s OK and if I like it every two minutes”.

“Was I a bit annoying last night?”

“No, it was nice. But just assume I like anything.”

Afterwards they are forced to deal with practicalities. Unless one of them goes out early from the tournament – and neither of them wants that – then they can’t meet up like this until New York. It’s the first drops of cold reality.

  
                                                            ***********************************************  
Two days later and Roger’s fears over Melek’s reaction prove to be amply justified. He’s tried to soften him up by giving him a nice blow job but it’s not had much effect.

“That has to be the most stupid thing you’ve ever done in your entire life. And I know it has a lot of competition.”

“I didn’t think you’d like it….

“What the fuck were you thinking of?”

“You always think before you have sex?”

“Mostly”

Roger isn’t actually sure what he was thinking of. He tries to articulate it now. “I like him and he’s very attractive and he really wanted me. I didn’t think much more than that.”

“I know he’s attractive, if he wanted me I’d find it hard to say no myself. But Roger, surely you can see there are issues here.”

“Don’t act like I’m stupid, of course I can. How do we see each other? What if the press find out? What if it affects our tennis? I know it’s difficult”

“And you have answers for all that? You haven’t even mentioned your team or his. You think Uncle Toni’s going to give you a pat on the head? He’s going to go ape-shit. How is Nadal planning to deal with him?”

“I don’t know”. Melek is totally right – the problems seem bigger every time you look at them. It also makes him aware of something he hadn’t quite realised before. “I actually do really like him, Melek. I'm not going to walk away from this”

“You fucking idiot” But he never stays annoyed for very long.

“I know. It is crazy.”

“You think? I mean, your tennis is going great, you’re a Grand Slam champion, you could be finding yourself a nice safe boyfriend – some fucking boring bastard - instead you have to get involved with the one guy you shouldn’t be involved with.”

“Yes.” Melek is looking at him in a way that suggests he’s torn between laughter and despair. “Like I said, crazy”

“I don’t think that half covers it.”

                                                       **************************************************  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aware that people may find this one not very romantic.
> 
> I just think if you're having sex for the first time with someone of your own gender that it's going to feel a bit awkward and weird. So I tried to write it like that.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two longish chapters as they really belong together.

August 2006: US Open

The planning was a little complicated but they managed to sort out the most important thing – they’ve persuaded their teams of the benefits of arriving at the tournament early. And that they really needed hotels close to Flushing Meadow – it makes lunch breaks like the one they’ve planned possible. Set up practice times close together so they can leave the courts chatting – wander off to the hotel…hopefully not get caught by any paps but even if they do there’s nothing really wrong in having lunch together. People have already noticed that they’re quite friendly for rivals – Nike love it – it won’t cause any problems.

Out on the practice court Peter is not at all happy.

“You won’t get anywhere on these courts if you’re over-aggressive Roger, you can’t beat Nadal like that.”

“It’s not just about R…. Nadal, I don’t want to think about him yet.”

“He’ll get to the Final – he has a decent draw. We need to be prepared. Melek, put some extra topspin on, make the bastard work”

It’s not really much like facing Rafa’s forehand but Roger supposes it’s all useful practice. By the end Peter seems satisfied.

“Not bad, bit more work over the next few days and we’re in business” Suddenly he’s smiling. “He must be worried about you too, I’ve just seen him checking you out.”

“Didn’t see anything Peter.” Really it’s best to get him off this subject. “Same time tomorrow?”

“Yeah, then you need to do Kids Day”

Roger is well aware of that, it’s why he and Rafa have made plans for the night before. Even the thought of which gives him an anticipatory tingle…..

“Roger, wake up. Are you coming?”

“You go, Peter. I just want to throw down some serves.”

“Not too many. And Melek – no distractions from you afterwards, you hear me?”

“Absolutely not, Peter. I guarantee it” He waits for Roger to finish serving.

“I feel like a fucking teenager, covering up for you”

“Sorry, but I can’t tell him the truth can I?

“You may have to some day.”

“I know. But I want to see where it goes first, maybe Rafa won’t be interested any more.” Although Roger really hopes that isn’t the case. He glances over to see Rafa has left the practice court – he should be here any moment.

                                                *****************************************************  
                                                *****************************************************

Roger has obviously just finished his session and is chatting with his partner – the man looks vaguely familiar but Rafa can’t find a name. He smiles at him anyway. “Hello”. The man smiles back but without much warmth – he turns to Roger and speaks to him in German before walking off.

“Is he OK?”

“Yes’ he’s fine.” Roger’s smile is as genuine as the other man’s was not. “Are we having lunch?”

“Of course”

The plan for meeting in Roger’s hotel room goes like clockwork – Rafa doesn’t think they’ve been spotted but it will look innocent anyway. If either of them had had any doubts about whether their attraction would still be there those doubts are soon dispelled. They’d both known there wouldn’t be time for much but the kiss is enough.

“I’m so glad to see you”

“And you”

“Food’s on its way. I’ve ordered twice as much as we need so I hope there’s something you like”

“It’ll be fine Roger, don’t worry”

It is fine – Rafa doesn’t care much about what he’s eating anyway.

“What was that guy saying to you?”

“Nothing much.”

Rafa has been blind to the obvious. “You told him about us”

“I’m really sorry, I’ve only just realised I should have asked you first. I’m an idiot”

“It’s OK, he must be someone you trust”

“He is. You don’t need to worry about that.” Roger doesn’t look entirely comfortable though.

“He’s not happy about this is he? Is he jealous?”

That actually makes Roger laugh. “No, he’s not jealous. And his name’s Melek. I won’t out anyone but I think he just outed himself.” He doesn’t speak for a while “He….worries about me, it’s nothing against you…” He pauses again and then seems to reach a decision. “I should explain about him.”

“You won’t break his trust?”

“No, nothing like that. But it’s not easy to talk about. You remember what I said about Stuttgart?”

“He’s connected with that?”

“Yes”  
                                                      *****************************************

                                                      *****************************************  
                                                                  

_July 2004: Basel_

It’s been four days since he returned from Stuttgart and Roger is getting close to a state of complete panic. The pain which should be getting better by now is, if anything, even worse and he’s starting to feel ill, almost as if he has flu. He’s had to invent an injury to get out of training but they seem to know he’s lying, although that’s the least of his problems at the moment. His parents are away, which is probably just as well, there’s no way he could tell them what had happened. He can’t see his doctor, the embarrassment would be worse than any amount of pain. As much as he doesn’t want to, he knows he needs to call Melek. He’ll be angry with him because Roger has been such an idiot but there is no one else………….

Two hours later and Melek is at the door.

“I said there was no need for you to come. You could have told me what to do on the phone”

“I couldn’t understand a word you were going on about but you sounded a mess. You’re lucky I was home, it’s not that far to drive. You look fucking terrible by the way”

Despite his words Roger is very glad to see him. It’s been a lonely few days.

“Tell me what happened”

He pours out the whole story. Melek asks a few questions and at the end looks angry enough to kick a hole through the wall. It’s what Roger had been afraid of.

“I know you’re angry. I don’t blame you, I was a fucking idiot”

“It’s not you I’m angry with. Roger, we have to get you to your doctor. I know it’s embarrassing but you need to get over that”

“I can’t Melek, what would I tell him?”

“The truth. These guys have seen everything”

“I really can’t do that, I just can’t”

Melek is looking at him helplessly. “I don’t know what to suggest then Roger” He stays silent for a while. “Look, there’s a Swiss guy I know that might be able to suggest something. I’m going to call him but I’ll go outside. Try and calm down.”

When he returns he’s looking a bit more positive. “My Swiss friend knows a specialist clinic. At least you wouldn’t feel so embarrassed there and no one will know you – we’re trying to get you in”

It’s better than anything Roger can come up with. And he’s not so stupid that he can’t recognise how much Melek is doing for him.

“You’ve been incredible, man. I’m so sorry”

“Hey” Melek kneels down next to him and touches his arm. “I always have your back, remember?”

“Yeah”  
                                                        **********************************************

“One of these tears has got infected, that’s why you’re still in pain and feeling ill. You’ve been unlucky, you’d have recovered by now if not for that. I can give you antibiotics and some painkillers, it shouldn’t take long to see an improvement” The doctor’s voice is kind.

“Thank you” It’s a great relief.

“I think we need to test for any other infections though. We can’t do all the tests now, I’ll give you the dates”

Could this get any more embarrassing?

“We used a condom” The only sensible thing they had done.

“Good. But it would be best to check”

Probably doesn’t believe him which is hardly surprising. He waits while the doctor writes everything down. Soon be out of here. But the doctor still has more to say.

“This can’t have been a good experience for you. I think you should consider counselling, we have people here who can help”

Fucking hell, no. He’s had to describe what happened to Melek and the doctor, that’s enough.

“I’m fine, thank you”

“Let us know if you change your mind”

                                          *********************************************************

Melek drives him back to the house and thankfully doesn’t ask any questions. He disappears into the kitchen and emerges with some food, Roger tries to eat some of it but he couldn’t feel less hungry.

“I’m not a great cook but it’s not that bad. I’m insulted”

“I’m sorry”

“You don’t have to say that to everything”

“Yes I do” Suddenly it’s all too much. He’s in pain and embarrassed, and ashamed, and it was all his own fault. He cries in a way he hasn’t since he was a child. Melek doesn’t try and stop him but just holds him until he’s finished. And says nothing.

                                                             *******************************************  
In the morning Roger wakes up feeling somewhat better. The painkillers have made a big difference, as has no longer being afraid. He will recover and go back to training and face whatever hassle he’s going to get about his absence. The noise of someone moving around the house is surprising. Did Melek not go home last night?

“Melek, why are you still here?”

“I was too tired to drive last night so I found your spare bedroom. How are you feeling?”

“Better. Thanks to you.”

“Glad I could help”

They share some breakfast, Roger having rediscovered his appetite a bit and feeling a little more ready to talk.

“Thank you for not calling me an idiot”

“You’re an idiot. But we’ve all done stupid stuff.”

“Maybe my body’s made wrong, I won’t try it again”

Melek takes some time over his words. “There’s plenty of guys who don’t like getting fucked Roger, it doesn’t matter if you’re one of them. But don’t decide things about your body now. Give it time”

That was the last time they’d really spoken about it. Melek had never treated him any differently and Roger had continued to find him annoying quite a lot of the time. But he’d been right to tell him to have patience and he was there when Roger was ready to try again. There was no-one else he would have trusted and even then it hadn’t been easy. But it was worth it – he’d got back control of his body, to use it and share it as he wished. Strangely it had improved his tennis as well, he had learned to control his temper and his emotions just as he had learnt to control his fears.  
Roger has no intention of sharing most of this with Rafa – it’s just a question of how much…………………….

                                                         ****************************************

                                                         ****************************************

“He still treats me like a kid which gets on my nerves and we wouldn’t ever want to be _together_ – we’d drive each other mad. But he’s always on my side, Rafa, I trust him completely. He makes me feel safe. I’m sorry he was a bit rude to you though”

Rafa suspects a lot of details have been missed out but it’s enough. It’s hard not to feel some jealousy at the level of trust and intimacy that’s obviously there but it would clearly be a mistake to show that, he will just have to hope they can build that over time. Although does Roger even want, maybe this is just fun for him……

Roger simply looks relieved to have explained things and returns to his food with considerable enthusiasm.

“This is great, I’m going to have it tomorrow night as well.”

“Don’t order too much. Leave us some energy.”

“Don’t worry about that.”  
             

                                                       ********************************************

If Rafa had thought the sex was good on their first night – and he had – this is on a whole different level. Freed of the nerves and awkwardness, this is Roger giving himself up to Rafa with the same enthusiasm that he seems to give to everything – tennis, food, laughter and now sex. None of Rafa’s fantasies had ever matched up to this. He couldn’t have imagined how it would feel to have Roger cry out at every touch – to want to give him more and more. Only Roger’s voice, pleading, can break in.

“Fuck me now, Rafa, please, I want you. Do it”

Oh God, he must… he must…. He’s suddenly aware that a little rationality is required.

“What do I need?”

“Over there”

“Err…how much?” He has no idea, but even in his haze he remembers that Roger doesn’t like pain.

Roger’s face suddenly emerges from the pillow with that grin that makes Rafa’s heart turn over.

“Loads….then even more”

“And… you need to tell me if I’m getting it right”  
Roger turns round properly and grips his arm. “I trust you. It’ll be fine”

And if course it is. It’s obvious from Roger’s sounds when it’s right and when it isn’t. By the end he’s just following his instincts, blind to anything beyond the moment. Afterwards he can’t even speak, just clinging to Roger as if they might both disintegrate without it. Luckily Roger seems to feel the same reluctance to be apart.

“Come on, let’s shower”

That proves a little challenging – the thought of them both slipping and having to come up with explanations as to why they’re exiting the tournament sets them laughing. It’s safer to be back in bed.

“Was that good, Roger?”

“You know it was.”

“I just like to hear it.”

“It was great. You don’t need to be insecure about it”

Is he insecure? Perhaps a little. “I’m new at this remember?”

“That’s OK. You don’t have any ideas about how it should be. I like that”

“Roger, is that it until after the tournament?”

“It has to be. Our schedules don’t match.”

“I suppose not” This is the reality and Rafa really doesn’t want to face up to that, of course it’s better to just enjoy the moment. But for how long?

                                                              **********************************************

The morning sadly brings no magical solutions.

“It can’t be done, Rafa. I can’t have sex with you the night before I play and it must be the same for you. You can’t expect your team not to notice either.”

“And if we both get to the Final we need to be apart. That’s obvious.” It’s time they stopped avoiding this issue. They’d both lost to eventual winner Ferrero in Cincinatti so this would be the first time… “Roger, if that happens what will it be like?”

“It won’t make a difference. Look at Miami and Wimbledon – did you even think about me? I was just the person you had to beat”

Wimbledon – by then Rafa had known how he was starting to feel about Roger but no, it had not affected the result. “I could have killed you for that fucking backhand you’d kept hidden.”

“I was planning to surprise you” He kisses Rafa as if in apology. “I think when it comes to matches we trust our instincts, Rafa. We’ll always want to win, it’s basic. If we’re going to discuss problems there’s plenty of them but I don’t think that’s one.”

“No”. Roger is right, nothing is going to interfere with their desire to win matches, it’s too much part of who they are. And Rafa feels oddly encouraged, it seems Roger doesn’t regard what’s happening between them as just casual fucking, there wouldn’t be any problems if that’s all it was. If only he had the courage to ask.

                                                                  ***************************************

                                                                  ***************************************

  
It isn’t much comfort after the Final for Roger to have been proved right – they had fought as hard as if they’d hated each other. And it had felt very strange at the ceremony to make all the formal speeches and treat each other as virtual strangers; it had though made it easier for Roger to hold in his emotions – he wouldn’t have wanted to spoil Rafa’s moment and make him feel guilty.

“You couldn’t have done any more Roger. And it’s still been a great year” Peter’s words will probably mean something eventually but they aren’t any comfort now.

“Not good enough”

“It’ll happen. You’ll take everything off him eventually, titles, ranking, the lot””

Does he still want that? Of course he does.

  
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                                              ****************************************************

The party has been going well. After the hassle of the press conference and the endless interviews Rafa is happy to be with his family and friends even with one of them missing. But he can’t afford any guilt over how Roger might be feeling – this is how it has to be for them, surely he will understand that? Tennis forces you to look forward – it’s always about the next win.

He is distracted by his sister – her simple joy reflecting his own.

“I’m so happy for you Rafael. I felt sorry for Roger though, should I be saying that?”

“Of course you can say that. And he’s a nice guy”

“Yes, he’s got a cute smile”

Rafa doesn’t want to think about that now. Could she just change the subject? Unfortunately when she does it’s even worse.

“I want to know all about your mystery woman Rafael. Why haven’t you told me about her?”

“My…my…what?”

“Tio says you’re keeping something secret. You can tell me”

Oh fuck.

“There is no secret woman, Tio doesn’t know what he’s talking about. There’s been….others….. since Cristina but no-one special”

“I don’t believe you. Trust me, I won’t tell Tio”

“When does anything stay secret in our family? But honestly there isn’t….”

“Is she married? Is that why you can’t tell me?”

For a moment he wishes he could tell her the truth. Maybe if it was just her, but there’s no way it won’t be all around the family within five minutes.

“Maribel, look me in the eye. There is no secret woman.” How can telling the truth feel so much like a lie?

She doesn’t look satisfied but lets it go for the moment. They talk about other things but the mood can’t be recaptured. Talking about Roger, even if indirectly, seems to have brought his fears to the surface. Eventually he makes an excuse of needing the bathroom, what he really needs is a moment with his phone.

Luckily he doesn’t need to think too hard about what he might say as the message is already there.

**Hope you’re at a party and getting drunk. And congratulations.**

**Hope you’ve got a pizza.** What can he say now? That he’s sorry when he isn’t? Everything sounds fake. He sends the message as it is and waits for a reply. Of course Roger might just have switched his phone off, it doesn’t mean anything……

**No, healthy food only. I need energy for having sex with you and then beating you next time.**

How do you type when you’re crying? You keep your message short.

**Miss you**

**And you.**

He heads back to the party, freed to have a good time. And he does.


	8. Chapter 8

October 2006: Madrid.

“You’re in a happy mood today” Felis’s always been able to read him well.

“That’s why I let you win” It’s not true, Feli was on good form in the practice set. But he’s right about the happy mood, Roger had made sure of that last night.

“In your dreams” Feli pauses to look at the incoming message on his phone. “Doubles draw’s out. We’ve got Sebastian Frankel and Melek Aydin”

“Know anything about them?”

“German, solid, it’s a tough draw. Nice guys though, I went on a night out with them once, it was wild.”

“I really want to win the Doubles this year, Feli. Let’s take it seriously”

“Sure, man”  
                                                             

                                                                   ************************************

                                                                   ************************************

“I’m going to come and watch. It’ll be fun”

“Who are you going to cheer for?”

“No one. I’ll just enjoy the tennis.”

“Fucking coward.” The words would sound harsher if Melek didn’t have Roger’s head in his lap and wasn’t stroking his hair, “Can you tire him out the night before?

“I’d love to but I’m playing that day as well.”

“Roger, has anyone on his team got any suspicions?”

“They think he’s having an affair with a married woman”

“Jesus. Although they might like that better than the truth.”

“Uncle Toni would. His mum and sister sound nice though, maybe they’d be OK with it.”

“Maybe”.  
                                                              **************************************************

                                                              **************************************************

  
“Solid” turns out to be a good description of the German pair – neither opponent would be any threat to Rafa in singles and probably not much to Feli either but they work very well together – finding gaps with admirable efficiency. At one set all there’s no clear favourite. Rafa doesn’t feel much like chatting at the changeovers.

“Man, you really do want this” Feli sounds a little puzzled.

“I do. I want both trophies this year” In truth, he has no idea why he wants this victory so much. What is he trying to prove? Still, Feli has clearly got the message, he gives it his all in the third set – his return finally getting the break on Meleks’s serve. Rafa would have preferred to do that himself but it’s all good. He serves out the match without any problems.

There’s a good crowd and Rafa spends some time signing autographs – he’s aware that he’s avoiding the locker room. His overwhelming desire to win seems a little uncomfortable now – beating up a journeyman pro because he’s close to the person you’re involved with? What was he thinking of – the man helped Roger through a bad time and that makes him Rafa’s enemy? Plus he’s now going to have to fight as hard as this in every round, which won’t help him in the singles. What an idiot.

Back in the locker room Feli is chatting with their opponents. It’s a moment before he notices Rafa.

“Hey man, we’re going to get food. You got time?”

He does but he doesn’t answer immediately. Curiosity, reluctance, awkwardness, they’re all fighting within him – curiosity wins the battle.

“Yeah, let’s eat.”  
                                                                     ******************************************  
The meal is actually turning out to be quite enjoyable – Rafa is given a hair-raising description of the wild night out and there’s a fair bit of malicious gossip about the Tour. He doesn’t have to do much except listen and laugh and study Melek. He and Roger don’t seem alike at all, this man is older, entertaining but caustic. Perhaps he brings out a side of Roger that Rafa doesn’t see.

“Hey, look, my favourite movie.” Highlights of their match are just coming up on the screen.

“I’m surprised you want to watch your horrible topspin backhand, Lopez. I’ve seen club players with a better follow-through” Melek isn’t wrong about that shot, Rafa can only agree with him there.

“Remind me how many aces I put past you today, Melek. I lost count at the end”

“Look who’s watching us.”

The cameras have found Roger in the crowd, looking relaxed but interested in the game.

“He does that sometimes, he’s a good friend of ours” Sebastian’s voice is affectionate.

“I’d forgotten you hang out with him.”

“Sometimes. We’ve known him since he was in Junior’s. He was a real headcase then”

“Seems like he’s getting into the match”

They turn back to the screen where Roger is rather loudly cheering the German players on. It’s stingingly painful – and Rafa absolutely mustn’t show he cares.

“Didn’t do you much good” Feli sounds triumphant.

“It’s all fake, he never shouts for us like that normally. He couldn’t be seen cheering for you guys, Feli, what if people thought he was after your beautiful ass?” Melek gives Rafa a quick and unexpectedly sweet smile before turning back. Feli doesn’t seem to have noticed.

“I hope not, no offence Melek but I’m off limits to guys”

“You don’t know what you’re missing.” He gets up from the table. “I’ve got physio. Nice to talk to you”

“He doesn’t take any shit does he?”

Sebastian gives Feli a hard stare “You want to know what it’s like being a Turkish kid trying to play tennis in Germany? And then have your family reject you because you’re gay? I don’t think anything you could say would bother him, Lopez”

“Sorry, man. I didn’t know”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have said. But he likes the Tour, we...his friends....we're his family now I think” He gets up to go. “Well done on the win”

“Told you they were decent guys”

“Yes”. Rafa can see that now. The words were comforting and probably right. Still……

                                                                     *****************************************  
It’s actually becoming easier to arrange meet-ups within their schedules – Rafa dislikes lying to his team but he’s becoming better at it. There are even compensations for sex being off the agenda – just hugging and kissing and talking has its own joy. Unfortunately Roger doesn’t seem to be showing quite his usual enthusiasm today.

“Anything wrong?”

“No, I’m fine” He moves to try and kiss Rafa again but winces as he does so. “Fuck”

“You’ve got pain somewhere Roger, I’m the expert remember?”

“Back’s a bit bad.” He readjusts himself on the bed but it doesn’t look like it’s helping

“Why didn’t you say?”

Roger looks at him as if he’s gone mad. “Can’t show weakness to you, can I?”

“Don’t be stupid. What difference does it make? If you play me I assume you’re fit, I won’t change tactics”

Roger looks like he still wants to argue but suddenly gives up. “It helps to lie still like this but it means no fun for us I’m afraid”

“Doesn’t matter. We can talk.”

“Please. Take my mind off it. I enjoyed your doubles match, you were really going flat out.”

The memories of that match aren’t entirely comfortable, perhaps that’s why Rafa can’t stop himself.

“Yeah, well, I’m sorry we won, you obviously didn’t want that” Shit.

“What are you talking about?”

“There was a clip of you watching the match. You were cheering them on” Fuck, he sounds like a six-year-old.

“I’m sorry, I’ve been doing that for so long it was just instinct. I tried to stay calm but you made it very exciting at the end”

“It doesn’t matter”

“Of course it matters. But Sebastian’s a friend as well as Melek, I hardly know Feli and they need every win they can get to stay on tour, they only just get by as it is. You and Feli don’t need that, I thought it was just a bit of fun for you. For them it’s serious, I try to help them but they won’t accept very much”.

“You’re quite right” It makes sense, just as Roger’s not telling him about his back made sense. It’s just that Rafa doesn’t want what’s sensible but he can’t explain that because it’s putting too much pressure on Roger and they might lose what they have…. he feels Roger’s fingers intertwining with his own.

“I’m sorry, I’ve upset you, I never meant that. I wish I hadn’t gone to the match at all” He looks ridiculously young all of a sudden. “Talk to me Rafa, I feel like I’ve fucked up big time.”

“No, you didn’t” – how has Rafa got himself into this mess – wasting their time together because of his stupid jealousy – “I don’t know what happened to me at the match – I just wanted to win it a whole lot”

“No different to every other match then. So long as I haven’t done anything wrong” He looks upset enough to give Rafa some courage.

“Roger, I should ask you – is this just a fun thing with us, it’s fine if it is but…I’d like to know.”

He looks startled and then thoughtful, which at least is better than looking horrified.

“You want to talk about this now?”

“Maybe it’s time”

“I haven’t been with anyone except you and Melek since Cincinatti – I haven’t wanted to. That’s a big change for me. It’s not just fun – I really like you. Does that scare you?”

“No” He can’t say anything more for a moment.

“But I’d like to just enjoy this for a while and see how things go. I don’t think we should give ourselves the pressure of coping with the press and Toni and everything else. It’s too early, we’d spoil what we have.”

“You sound like you’ve thought about this.”

“Of course I have. I told you – you’re not just some one-night thing, I want to be with you. Are you OK with that?”

“I’m very OK with that.”

“Good”. Rafa would give him anything when he smiles. “I was worried I’d frighten you off. And if we’re doing the honesty thing, what the fuck’s been up with you today?”

Best to admit it. “I was jealous of Melek, Roger, it’s not the sex…” that isn’t really true but it’s not the main thing “it feels like he knows you in a way I don’t”

“I suppose he does, but I like that Rafa, I mean - you don’t see me as a kid – we’re equals”

“I know. And he was kind to me at lunch. Roger, your back is really hurting, I can tell. Do you want a massage? Would that help?”

“It would, thank you. But there might be no Final for us this time”

                                          *********************************************************************

“I think Novak will win the semi, Tio, we should prepare for that in training.”

“You’re wrong, I watched Federer two matches ago, he’s in great form.”

“I think Novak will keep him on the run too much”

Toni still looks doubtful but adjusts the session slightly. Later they watch Novak win the semi in straight sets.

“Federer’s movement was off – he looks injured to me – back problem if I had to guess”

“Just as well we trained with Novak in mind”

“Yes, very convenient.” It’s hard to imagine that Toni could look more suspicious. “I know Nike loves this _best pals_ crap, but I hope you’re not getting too friendly with him. Keep your distance”

“You think he’d want to tell me if he had an injury?” That bit is true anyway.

“I suppose not. But you’re keeping a lot of secrets at the moment Rafael, how would I know?” The bitterness is unmistakeable. How long before it really starts to affect their relationship? But for the moment there is no solution.

                                                                  ************************************************  
“Why was he watching the match, Rafael?”

“Why wouldn’t he? He needs to study both our games.”

“He could do that at home in Switzerland.”

“It’s not the same on TV and you know it.”

“Just how friendly are you getting with this guy? Can’t you see what a bad idea that is?”

“Maybe he was supporting Novak! And you watched the Semi at Wimbledon, the Final in New York. Did it look like we weren’t trying to beat each other?”

Toni has to concede defeat on that one. “No, it didn’t. I’m not saying you have to hate him, I just think you’re better off with a certain distance”

“Don’t worry.” He doesn’t want anything to get in the way of his happiness at the moment. The victory, the knowledge that Roger was watching, the brief congratulatory hug they’d managed in the corridor, Roger whispering in his ear – Toni isn’t going to spoil any of this………


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two more. A fair amount of sex but it is part of the character development (honest!).

November 2006: The Seychelles

The planning behind the holiday has been like a military operation. Roger’s manager had been instructed to find a property guaranteeing total privacy, a tennis court and a games room, the price was eye watering but well worth it. Rafa had simply told his family he was going away with friends and those friends had been sent on a separate all expenses paid holiday on condition that they would never mention that Rafa was not with them. He is the second to arrive and by a different route – he has an irrational fear that Roger will not be there waiting – that something will have gone wrong….

“Hey man, we made it” The fears are forgotten as Roger wraps his arms around him. The hug doesn’t last long. “This place is amazing, have a look” It’s like being on holiday with a ten year old. The facilities are indeed amazing and the kitchen is stocked up with everything they need – they can hardly wander down to a restaurant holding hands after all – but deliveries to be left outside the door have been arranged.

“We’re going to have a fucking incredible time, man.” Roger sounds almost giddy with it. To Rafa it as yet seems unreal. Will they actually have ten days without the need for subterfuge, with no pressure, where they don’t have to decide every moment whether they’d sooner be talking, or kissing, because there isn’t time to do both? Ten days seems endless….

  
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Of course it soon begins to seem as if it won’t be long enough. The discoveries are many. The fact that Roger has seemingly unlimited energy, that he can move from tennis to gaming to table tennis without a pause. They quickly work out how to train without showing each other too much; if Rafa had hoped to discover some of the secrets to Roger’s game he certainly doesn’t succeed - Roger seems to regard training mostly as an excuse to have fun. He loves the food that Rafa cooks (it seemingly never occurs to him to offer to cook himself) and when he does slow down he likes to be held while they watch a film or TV, as if the closeness induces a stillness that’s never there normally. Sometimes they just talk, about their junior days, about the tour, about players they dislike, about the music that they love, (their tastes turn out to be completely different), about their families. He discovers that Roger is good at imitations, of the other players, the officials, of over worshipful fans, of stupid journalists. All these things he hadn’t known. More and more he is fascinated by Roger, everything they do seems to feed his desire to know him better, to understand who he is. And then there is sex……..

The first night they are merely hungry for each other, freed from worrying about thin walls, Rafa shouts as Roger fucks him, urging him to go faster and harder until he’s no longer sure where he is. But there is time to discover more about how Roger likes to be held, and touched, and fucked. Mainly he just likes to see everything, he loves watching Rafa take off his own clothes and then touch himself, he likes to sit up while he’s being blown, one night Rafa surprises him by producing a mirror, he finds exactly the right angle and that seems to send Roger wild in a way that Rafa hasn’t seen before. It’s all perfect.

  
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Rafa has a strong suspicion that Roger will be unable to resist temptation but he has extracted a promise……  
He runs his finger down Roger’s chest and then returns to tease around the nipple, it draws a sharp intake of breath out of him so he lowers his mouth and…..

“More.”

Rafa raises his head and looks at him quizzically “Wasn’t the idea that I was in charge? That I get to do whatever I like?”

“Fuck that. More”

Well, why not? He uses his tongue and his fingers until Roger is reduced to incoherence – he lets his fingers travel down Roger’s stomach until stopping them just short, then he moves back to kiss him fully, letting his tongue wander inside his mouth. At last he pauses.

“Is this really annoying?”

“Yes. But it’s fucking good.”

“Try this” Finally he lets his fingers work around Roger’s cock, stroking along the length, letting his thumb brush over the top, then he takes him in his mouth whilst his fingers wander around. He suspects what’s coming out of Roger’s mouth is a string of obscenities but it’s all in German. He glances up to see Roger’s head lifting off the pillow.

“You’ll strain your neck doing that”

“Fuck you, want to see”

“Lie down”

He pushes at Roger’s knees so they’re up and apart and then he finds his hole, licking around the edge and then inside. He can hear how much Roger likes that, he pushes his tongue in a little further but it doesn’t seem quite enough somehow, he pulls out and starts circling with his finger instead, then easing in just a little….

Roger lets out a yell that is definitely not pleasure. “FUCK, stop that.”

“I’m sorry, what…”

“I thought I could trust you… get some fucking lube for God’s sake”

Oh shit, how could he have forgotten? “Sorry, fuck, of course” He finds it in the drawer and then covers his fingers, is that enough, maybe he needs even more.

“That’s probably enough even for me”

It’s a relief to see him smiling again. Better luck this time…..

“God, yes, more”

It’s clear that Roger has completely forgotten the earlier upset.

“Touch me, Rafa, you bastard”

“I told you, I’m in charge” He twists his fingers a little.

“I hate you, you know that?”

“Should I do it again?”

“Fuck, fuck, that is..fuck…”

But Rafa can no longer resist anyway, he takes hold of Roger’s cock and pulls with long firm strokes

“Harder, please”

He waits till he senses Roger is almost there then curls up his fingers… Roger yells more loudly than before but it’s definitely pleasure this time and then he erupts over Rafa’s hand – he curls up into a ball and seems unaware that Rafa is even there - it gives Rafa a chance to think about his own body – he’s suddenly aware of his own need. Afterwards he curls himself around Roger’s back.

“You OK?”

“Yeah, that was amazing. I’m sorry for freaking out at you”

“No, God, I can’t believe I forgot, you know I’d never hurt you”

“I know. It probably wouldn’t have hurt anyway, it just took me by surprise. Once I…” He stops but seems to be smiling at the memory.

“What?”

“I freaked out on M…someone once and nearly broke his finger. Can I say this sort of stuff – I don’t know if you want me to mention other guys?”

“Of course you can, I’m nosy remember? Anything you want to talk about is fine.”

“OK. And it feels incredible with you Rafa – it’s so good.”

This is what he wants to hear. It’s time he started to forget his worries, to forget that lonely time when what he wanted seemed impossible. Forget insecurities, forget jealousies, Roger has chosen to be with him and that’s all that matters.

  
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Even though the holiday had been difficult to plan it’s so worth it. The discoveries are many. Roger had not known that Rafa would inject the same competitiveness into table tennis as he had into the Wimbledon semi. He has less need to be constantly on the move than Roger but what he does do is intense. They aren’t training seriously but even so he’s very focussed - getting annoyed occasionally when Roger does too much messing around. And being with him is fun, they laugh a lot about the Tour, agreeing on most things. Some of Rafa’s passions are surprising, he berates stupid politicians as much as he does stupid officials, he seems to have an opinion on everything and expects Roger to have one too. They are becoming genuine friends as well as lovers.

                                            ******************************************************

Even without any physical restraints (the thought of which fills him with a nameless dread he has no intention of sharing) Roger had been dubious about giving up control. But he soon forgets any fears – Rafa’s touch is equally arousing and tormenting – it only becomes too much when Rafa takes him in his mouth – not being able to see is just unbearable. It’s actually a relief when that stops and he feels Rafa moving his knees apart and then spreading out his ass, oh yes, that feels incredible, he wants more and more of that. Rafa pulls out his tongue sooner than expected and he registers the loss, he feels a finger circling on his hole, he’s going to have to stop in a moment….  
He feels a slight stretch, a searing flash of remembered pain, this can’t be happening, not with Rafa, why did he agree to this….

“FUCK, stop that” Rafa’s face looks shocked but Roger doesn’t care, how could he be so stupid, doesn’t he realise he can’t do that?

“Get some fucking lube for God’s sake.”

By the time Rafa’s pouring about half a bottle over his fingers he’s calmed down a bit – he just forgot, probably wouldn’t have hurt anyway- he manages to make a joke of it and Rafa’s face relaxes. His fingers are soon driving the memories away – still he needs a moment alone after his climax – he rolls up into a ball and lets Rafa bring himself off – it’s selfish but that’s OK. He starts planning his apology…

“You OK?” Rafa’s voice sounds anxious

“Yeah, that was amazing. I’m sorry for freaking out at you”

“No, God, I can’t believe I forgot, you know I’d never hurt you” Oh shit, he shouldn’t have to feel guilty.

“I know. It probably wouldn’t have hurt anyway, it just took me by surprise. Once I…”

“What?”

“I freaked out on M…someone once and nearly broke his finger.” He’d given Melek a pretty hard time really – he’d asked him to try with his fingers then grabbed at his hand in panic - and that had only been the start of it. God knows why Melek had put up with all that shit, he’d been amazingly patient. “Can I say this sort of stuff – I don’t know if you want me to mention other guys?”

“Of course you can, I’m nosy remember? Anything you want to talk about is fine.”

“OK. And it feels incredible with you Rafa – it’s so good.”

After that things are subtly different – Rafa is more confident, ready to explore his own desires and ask for what he wants, sex between them feels free, surprising, joyful. If Melek makes him feel completely safe, Rafa makes him feel completely wanted, completely desired. He doesn’t want to think about the end of the holiday.

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They haven’t really wanted to talk about the fact that it’s the last night and Rafa would like to forget about it even now. He has Roger curled up beside him and it’s tempting to leave everything for the morning but he can’t keep avoiding issues.

“Roger, how do you feel about me telling someone about us?”

“What’s brought that on?”

“This holiday” He nudges Roger to sit up – he needs him to be awake. “It’s been good hasn’t it?”

“It’s been amazing”

“And there’s no-one I can tell that to. You have Melek at least but I feel…alone”

He has Roger’s full attention now. “Who did you want to tell?”

“My sister”

“Won’t that mean the whole family?”

“It might. But I want to take that risk.” There’s another risk he needs to take. “Roger, I’m.. I’m…..serious about you, I feel like I’m lying to her by not telling her, it was different before but now…” it’s only a fraction of what he would like to say but even so….

Thank God Roger is smiling. “I get that” He finds Rafa’s hand and intertwines their fingers. “It is getting quite serious isn’t it?”

“Yes.” He can’t say anything else for a moment.

“Rafa, you can speak to anyone you like, I trust you. Let me know before you tell the press though.”

“I’ll do that”.

“And I’m going to tell my parents and sister, I think it’s time they knew”

“That’s fine”

It’s a relief to have had this conversation but it’s brought the morning closer. They’ve planned a weekend break in December but other than that it’s waiting for Australia – it seems an awful long way off.


	10. Chapter 10

December 2006: Manacor 

“You’re involved with…with… a man?”

“Yes”

“You’re telling me you’re gay?”

“I don’t think so. It seems to be just this one guy.”

Maribel is silent for a long time. It’s clear that this was not the secret she was expecting.

“Rafael, if he makes you happy then I’m happy. I mean, you must love him right?”

“Yes.” Even if he hasn’t had the courage to say it yet.

“What’s his name? Tell me about him.”

“Roger. And he’s Swiss.”

“Like Federer?”

“Exactly like Federer”

“Like…shit, you can’t mean…oh my God, that’s impossible” She seems to be waiting for him to deny it. “That can’t be…..how can you play each other?”

“It’s not a problem. We can put things aside for matches”

“But..…” she’s still struggling for words

“You did say he had a nice smile.”

“He has a lovely smile. There must be more to it than that though”

“He makes the whole world seem brighter Maribel, I can’t really describe it”

“God, Rafael, that’s so….”

“Maribel, I want you to keep this to yourself for a while. Especially Tio – he musn’t hear this from someone else, not even from you. I know I’m asking a hard thing”

“Tio’s not going to like this is he?”

“No, he’ll hate it” That’s probably an understatement. “Maybe if we play one or two more matches first, then I can prove it makes no difference” Maybe.

Maribel seems to be accepting things now, she asks all the usual questions and it’s a relief to be able to talk. To be able to say how he feels about Roger – it makes it all real.

“Can I meet him properly, Rafael? Would that be OK?”

“I would love that.”

  
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December 2006: Catalonia

  
In the end Spain had seemed the obvious place to arrange a weekend away. Easy for Maribel to get to them for the evening – Roger isn’t exactly nervous about this but it feels a little awkward. What will she want to know – what sort of questions might she ask, will she be embarrassed if they show too much affection? He can’t help thinking that without this he and Rafa could be settling down for a very nice evening indeed. Melek had actually acted out a nightmare version of the meeting for him the week before – it had seemed funny at the time but now it’s beginning to feel all too possible….  
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Rafa has actually devoted considerable thought to the meeting – obviously they can’t meet anywhere public. It would really be better to actually do something together rather than have an awkward conversation but that too carries the risk of being seen. In the end he settles for cooking a meal… they can always watch a film afterwards if things get really tense. And he’s not going to hold back from showing affection for Roger – if he doesn’t do it now when will he ever? It wouldn’t be an issue if he was dating a woman. He’s also going to make sure they’re well stocked up on wine. If all else fails…….

  
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Maribel simply has no idea how she is going to handle the meeting at all. This is not a scenario she had ever envisaged – what questions is she going to ask, what will sound intrusive, will she end up looking at them and wondering how exactly….? What if they kiss in front of her? Rafa had looked so happy when he was telling her – she musn’t do anything to suggest that she sees anything wrong in that. And Roger has always looked like a nice person……

                                                     *******************************************  
The conversation, thank God, does not live up to Maribel’s worst fears. She knows enough about the Tour and her English is good enough for her to be able to chat to Roger quite easily. It’s just hard to focus when her mind is swirling with thoughts about this entirely unexpected situation, it’s still hard to believe that this is actually real. Is Roger attractive even? Yes, he isn’t handsome exactly but she understands what Rafa means, when he laughs or talks enthusiastically everything seems lighter somehow, she can imagine if you were in love with this man that would affect the way you saw the whole world. She can’t make any guesses as to how much he is in love with her brother, they chat with the ease of friendship but she doesn’t know whether she would have picked up anything more. The thought of them kissing or more is so…..

“Maribel, it’s nice to chat about tennis but there must be other things you’d like to ask about. Stop worrying about being polite.” She blushes as if Roger had read her thoughts – he looks rather amused as it is. What can she say?

“Roger, I’m happy if you’re making my brother happy. I was surprised because..” might as well be honest… “I didn’t know he liked… men”

“I don’t think he does. Except for me.”

“Maribel, I already told you this” There’s some annoyance in Rafa’s tone.

“Shut up, Rafael. So he’s straight…..mainly…but you… aren’t?”

“No”

“Do people know on the Tour?”.

“Most of them, probably”

“And is that hard?”

“Not that hard. My family support me, I have my friends, a few idiots don’t matter. They don’t say much to my face anyway” Maribel can’t really believe it’s that easy but she admires the strength of character behind the words. This is why he’s challenging her brother to be No 1 in the world, presumably.

“Maribel, where are you going with this? You’ll be asking how many men he’s had sex with next.” Rafa is speaking in Mallorquin thank God.

“If this is the man you love I’m going to treat him as one of the family and not feel like there’s all sorts of things I can’t say.” She switches back to English.

“My brother thinks I ask too many questions”

“Then you’re like him. He’s very nosy too.”

“Nosy?”

“Curioso. It must run in the family.”

“I think that’s enough, Maribel” Rafa’s voice doesn’t leave much room for argument. He’s right really, she has many more questions but they are all too “nosy” – she’ll remember that word. It seems Roger has a few questions of his own though.

“Tell me things I wouldn’t know about Rafa, Maribel. All his annoying habits”

After that everything seems easy, they all keep the conversation light-hearted and it flows smoothly. But it’s still somehow a relief when she can decently claim to be tired and in need of sleep – still, at least some questions have been answered. She likes Roger very much, they are both happy, that’s enough to know for now.  
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“That wasn’t too bad” Rafa has seen Maribel to her room and returned, he throws himself onto the sofa with a sigh of relief

“It was fine”.

“Sorry she kept asking you questions”

“No, that’s normal” He feels Roger curling up beside him. Despite his earlier intentions it has just seemed too awkward to be affectionate in front of Maribel so it feels especially good. He’s happy to stay like that for a while but eventually realises that Roger is rarely quiet for this long.

“You OK?”

“Yeah” It doesn’t sound very convincing.

This isn’t good. “Did she upset you?”

“It wasn’t her fault, she was really nice. But it made me feel….different”

“I’m sure she didn’t mean…”

“No. And I don’t care most of the time – sometimes it gets to you though.”

“You shouldn’t…” Rafa pauses, aware that he’s trying to distract Roger out of his low mood. Why is he doing that, isn’t this the closeness he wanted, to have Roger open up to him in other ways than through sex? “Tell me more about that”

“Did I ever tell you about the first time I went with a guy?”

“A little bit.”  
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_May 2004: St Poulten: Austria_

  
It feels like one of the most frustrating losses Roger has ever experienced. Doubles, not Singles, but still, it would have been a title. His game just had not come together at all and the trip back to the hotel room has not made him feel any better.

“Sorry, man, I totally let you down there”

“No you didn’t. We had a good run”

“I can’t partner you again, Melek, you would have won with someone better than me”

He feels Melek’s arm around his shoulder and leans into the comfort gratefully. “Don’t beat yourself up about it, Roger, someday I’ll be boasting that I once played Doubles with you”

“Yeah, when I win Wimbledon I’ll mention you in my speech.”

“Don’t tell them too much”

“No” But he’s becoming distracted by just how good it feels to have Melek’s arm around him – he’s loving the scent coming from him – the muscles in his arms and chest look incredibly enticing, his finger is stroking down the side of Melek’s neck like it belongs there.

He feels his hand being lifted away.

“Don’t play games with me, Roger”

“I’m not” He pulls Melek’s face down to his and feels his resistance melting away with the kiss.

“You sure about this?”

“Yes”

“OK”

It doesn’t last very long – Melek’s mouth around his cock had been unbearably pleasurable - but it’s enough for Roger to know this is right in a way that sex with girls has never been. No sense of disappointment, no desire to rush away afterwards, it feels like he could stay this close forever.

“How do you survive on the Tour, Melek?

“You have to ignore a lot of stuff, but there are decent guys out there. I can help you with that. And your family will be fine with it.”

“Yes” Telling them will be embarrassing but it will make no difference to their support.. “I’m sure I’ll manage – and you’ll have my back”

That makes Melek sit up and look at him. “Why do I feel like I’m going to spend the rest of my life clearing up your messes?”

“I told you – I’ll mention you in my winner’s speech”

“I’m sure that’ll make up for everything”.

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                                                            ***********************************************

“Did you mention him in your winner’s speech?”

“Yes. But only he would have got the message. Rafa, it just felt so normal, so right but people don’t see it that way. Melek’s family don’t even speak to him – he only found out his grandmother died because his cousin sent him a text. Just because he likes guys. And if I was Justine or Kim or someone it would be fine us being in love but you know what a nightmare it will be if the press find out.”

Did he just say that?

“Can you say that last bit again?”

“About it being a nightmare? You don’t think so?”

“No, the bit before”

“It would be OK being in love if I was Justine or someone. Although I suppose there would still be problems even then.”

“So that’s what we are – in love?”

“Aren’t we?.” Roger suddenly looks hesitant. “I just assumed… I should have asked really.”

“Of course we are, carry on” Not that there’s much chance Rafa will be able to take any of it in right now.

“No, that’s it, I feel better now anyway. Can we go upstairs?”

“Yes please”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Longish chapter and on the heavy side. But shows you where the story's going.

Wimbledon 2007

  
The preparation has been meticulous –Rafa has rarely felt this confident before Wimbledon. Not certain to win but knowing he’s done everything he can – Toni and the whole team have seen to that. This year they decided to play a warm up tournament and what Rafa may have lost in freshness he thinks he has gained in comfort – he feels at home on the surface in a way he rarely has before. Toni looks as close to happy as he ever does.

“I think we’re as ready as we can be”

“Yes.” Their old intimacy has been eroded by the secret Rafa still can’t bring himself to tell but they work together as effectively as they ever did, perhaps more; it’s hard to know whether the loss has been worth it.

“You been working him hard, Tio?”

Toni looks at Maribel with affection. “It’s all in a good cause. You taking him off somewhere?”

“Yeah, I’m driving him to the photoshoot. All finished?”

Perhaps surprisingly, Maribel has managed to keep the secret. She and Roger have become quite relaxed with one another, in Paris she insisted on an evening with just the two of them – Rafa has never been given details of the conversation but it seemed to give them a bond. Telling her was definitely the right move – Rafa would have gone mad without it.

“It looked like a tough session” She is a good driver, confident and relaxed.

“Yes but it showed I’m in decent shape.”

“Ready to beat Roger?”

“If I have to”

“I still don’t know how you manage that”

“Because we have no choice. Surely we’ve had enough matches now for you to know it doesn’t affect us?”

“I suppose so”. She’s arrived at their destination but doesn’t move to get out of the car “Rafa, are you ever going to tell Tio? And don’t moan at me – I’m tired of you avoiding the subject.”

She does have a point. “I know I need to, then I could tell Mami and Papi as well. But we’re still working well together – I don’t want to blow that up.”

“You think you’ll have to find another coach?”

“It’s possible, he won’t like it at all”

“No” She pauses for a while. “It’s not just you being rivals”

“It isn’t?”

“I don’t think they’ll even like each other. I love Tio and I like Roger very much but I can’t see them getting along”

“They wouldn’t need to. No-one likes everyone in their family”

“Maybe not, but Tio isn’t just some distant cousin is he?”

She’s right but Rafa doesn’t want to admit it. It’s yet another problem, as if there weren’t enough of those already.  
                                              *******************************************************  
All of those problems fade away when he sees Roger later that evening. They’ve become more practiced at finding time and avoiding scrutiny, it almost feels like a comforting ritual.

“How’s the preparation going?”

“Good. I think the new fitness programme has gone well, I didn’t feel tired after Halle” They’d decided to play different warm-ups to avoid possibly meeting in a Final before Wimbledon and of course it had made sense for Roger to play Halle. Discussing tennis and schedules has become easier – they seem to know where the limits are now, how to share without giving away too much.

“Food?”

“It wasn’t the first thing on my mind”

“Good” Rafa had felt obliged to offer but he’s glad of the refusal and doesn’t waste much time getting Roger’s clothes off him. “Can I top?”

“Sure”

He feels like he’s been waiting years rather than weeks for this, it’s hard to restrain himself but that almost seems to add to the excitement, even so he’s aware he’s probably reached the limit of what Roger is comfortable with – there’s a point where he has to slow down slightly. There’s a pride in knowing Roger so well, to be able to read his body as if it was his own.

Afterwards Roger seems to be clinging to him as if he’ll never be allowed to get up again. Not that Rafa minds that.

“That was so good, Rafa.”

“Not too fast?”

“Pefect.”

It’s always good to have the reassurance. He knows Roger has given up any casual encounters – he has no idea if he’s still sleeping with Melek or not, he’s pushed the thought to the back of his mind. It’s a little surprising to suddenly hear his name though.

“Rafa, I want to ask you about something. Melek’s having a special party for his 30th birthday – do you want to come with me?”

“When is it?”

“Soon after Wimbledon. He’s going to have good security and vet the guests, but you can’t be totally sure. I’d love you to be there with me but I’ll understand if you don’t want to take the risk.”

Actually go to a party as a couple? There’s something very tempting about that. And if they get caught then they do – they’re not doing anything criminal after all.

“I’d love to Roger, let’s take the risk”

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“People like the fact that you and Rafa seem to have a friendly rivalry – will anything affect that if you play in the Final?”

“No, definitely not, we know how to fight on the court but it’s just sport at the end of the day, when the match is over then it’s back to normal” Roger has become used to delivering this line now, it’s true anyway, although misleading.

“And now Andy Roddick in the semis, how do you feel about that match?”

“Obviously it’s going to be very difficult – he has a great record here but I’m looking forward to the match” Doing interviews is so easy now although he occasionally wishes the questions were more interesting. This one’s soon over though, he just needs to sign a few autographs for some fans outside and he’s done. He spends a little time chatting with them, one of them slips something into his hand which he realises afterwards is a photo of the woman stark naked with a phone number scribbled on the back. He almost feels sorry for her wasted effort.

Peter awaits him at the practice court along with Sebastian, who is having a good run in the Mixed Doubles. The session goes well and the game plan for the match with Andy is clear in his mind.

“Can’t wait for Sunday, Roger. Win for you, win for me and Elena, great tournament”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, Sebastian, I’ve got to beat Andy first”

“You’ll do it, I still don’t think he’s back to his best. Nadal is going to be tough though, he’s desperate to win this one.”

“I know” This is not at all a comfortable thought. “If I get knocked out, I hope he wins it.”

“Probably most people feel like that. You coming to eat?”

“No, I’ve got a sponsor thing”. He does, but there would be time for food first, he just needs to be on his own.

They have agreed not to communicate with each other after this afternoon so they can prepare for a possible Final and Roger needs to send a message before the blackout. What can he say? Everything sounds false. In the end he settles for the plain truth.  
**Love you**  
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                                                               **************************************  
**Love you too**

His eyes are prickling after sending, trust Roger to say everything that needs to be said. But he needs to get into the right mindset now, first for Ivan, then for (probably) Roger.

“Are you going to watch Andy and Roger out there, Tio?”

“Yes, I can make a better judgement than on TV. But I don’t doubt Roger will win”

“Nor do I”

“Don’t let it distract you from Ivan. But after that we need to go through every detail, Rafael, that’s the only way you’ll have a chance. And you’ll need to be ruthless.”

“I know.” And he will be, already Roger is becoming an object in his mind, the obstacle between him and his goal. Time for everything else later.

                                                                          ******************************************  
                                                                          ******************************************  
“Roger, that was an incredible match, you and Rafa really put on something special for us here.”

“Yes, it was, Rafa’s an incredible player, I’m honoured to be on court with him.” The crowd cheers but it seems far away, he’s exhilarated with the win, yet there’s a dark spot of pain and guilt that he can’t even look at too closely. He catches Rafa looking stoical out of the corner of his eye, he is not deceived, but even if he could offer comfort it’s probably not what Rafa would want right now.

“Is there anything you’d like to say to people here?”

He runs through the usual list of family and team and “my friends, especially the one who makes me happy every day and makes it all worthwhile and the one who always has my back” Hopefully Rafa will understand that.  
                                           

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The crushing weight of the defeat is almost too much to bear, it was so close, so close……Besides him Toni is silent, it’s hard to tell whether he’s being tactful or just lost in his own misery. Eventually though he breaks the silence.

“I really wish you’d beaten the fucker”

Rafa ought to protest at that but it almost reflects some of the pain in his soul.

“Not just I want you to win Wimbledon, I really want you to beat _him_ ”

“Not fair, Tio”

“Oh, I know you’re all cute and friendly, but it’s not for me.”

“He’s a decent guy – other players have beaten me as well”

“I hate the shit people are coming out with now – he’s the artist, all you do is run around – don’t they see the beauty in what you do? The intelligence?”

“It’s not his fault though is it?”

“I suppose not.” His aggression drops. “I just want everyone to know how good you are – tennis isn’t about making it look pretty.”

“I know” It’s good to remember how much Toni cares but the conversation hasn’t made things easier. “I have to get to the presser now, I think”

He glances at his phone before getting up, no message from Roger but he didn’t expect it, anyway what he said in his speech was enough. It sits there in his mind as a future joy, it can’t do anything against the misery now but it will, it will.  
 

                                                                                     ***********************************************  
                                                                                       **********************************************  
**Fucking stupid speech, you twat**

The message was not unexpected but it makes him smile anyway. Nothing from the other person mentioned in the speech but that’s understandable, Rafa will still be trying to process what happened. He suspects the speech will get a mention in the press conference but the first few questions are normal enough. It had to happen though.

“Roger, in your speech, when you mentioned friends it sounded as if you had particular people in mind, was there anyone special you were speaking to?”

“My friends know who they are.”

“Of course, but as you mentioned them….”

“I’m lucky enough to have a really supportive family and great friends, I just wanted to thank them.”

The journalist doesn’t look satisfied but decides to give up the attempt, nobody else takes up the challenge and questions revert back to actual tennis. Afterwards Rene Stauffer pulls him aside.

“Roger, you know we respect your privacy but we can’t protect you from everything. Are you sure about what you’re doing here?”

Is he? Perhaps he wouldn’t have made the speech if he’d thought about it beforehand but he doesn’t regret it. It had felt good to acknowledge Rafa and Melek, even if he couldn’t say their names, they deserved it.

“Maybe I was completely mad. But it’s done now.”

                                                           *********************************************

                                                           *********************************************  
Choosing the right moment to make the call is difficult. It will be painful but he can’t leave it too long.

“Are you having pizzas?” There’s so much noise in the background maybe Roger won’t actually hear anything he says.

“Are you getting drunk?”

“I wish. Where are you?”

“Sebastian’s having a party to celebrate his Mixed Doubles win, I’m tagging along”

“Roger, your speech, I….it meant a lot but the press…they’re bound to wonder”

“Let them. There’s no way they’ll know it’s you.”

“I’m not worried about me. Anyway, I…loved it. And….congratulations.”

“Thank you. I know why you can’t be here but I miss you anyway”

“I know.”

They end the call there and it’s a relief, Rafa can finally express the misery he’s been holding in since the end of the match, the misery that was caused by the person he loves, the person who may well ensure his Wimbledon dream is never fulfilled. And yet more than anything he would love that person to be here so he could cry in his arms and then maybe ask him to fuck the memories right out of him. Instead he is alone.

July 2007 Germany: Melek’s Party

The party is taking place in a large house in the middle of nowhere – Rafa suspects the rental, like the security, is a birthday present from Roger. The noise and the atmosphere is like nothing Rafa has experienced before, the music is the sort he normally hates but somehow it feels right here. The guests are mostly men and seem mainly known to each other, a few he knows from the Tour and one or two are actually discreet security people looking out for cameras. By now Rafa is drunk enough on alcohol and happiness to not really care anyway. To be able to kiss Roger in front of people, to dance with him, to curl up together on the sofa, it’s blissful. Roger has got to a point where he seems reluctant to move at all.

“Can you get me another drink, Rafa? Just Coke this time, I have plans for tonight.” It’s pretty clear what those plans are.

“Sure” He’s approached by another guest while he’s at the makeshift bar.

“Can I just congratulate you on your French Open win? I’ve been in the stadium for the last two Finals.” The man is speaking in Catalan.

“Thank you. Where are you from?”

“Barcelona. I’m a friend of him over there” He points to someone who Rafa vaguely recognises as being on the Tour. And don’t worry – I know the rules on this party. If anything gets out Melek’s going to put a hit squad on whoever’s responsible”

“So will I” They exchange a few more pleasantries, it’s good to have a few moments speaking in Catalan. And is he feeling very drunk, but he’s also finding the man very attractive – he has a sudden urge to stroke along his arms. Shit. “I’d better get back”

“Who was your friend?”

“Someone from Barcelona.” For some reason Roger is looking amused.

“You fancied him”

“No I didn’t”

“You’re blushing”

Oh what the hell. “OK, a bit. What’s the matter with me, it’s supposed to be just you, isn’t it?”

“You might not be gay, Rafa, but I can’t be the only man in the whole world you could be attracted to, you’re bound to meet others. And that guy was hot…” he leans over and whispers in Rafa’s ear – the suggestion is so shocking and yet so arousing that Rafa can only nod –what on earth has he let himself in for?

                                                                ***************************************  
Felip is just as attractive naked as he is clothed and the combination of his touches with Roger’s is sending Rafa nearly insane – by the time they’ve agreed what they’re going to do he would consent to anything. He’s being kissed and touched by Roger as Felip preps him and the assault on his senses is overpowering even before he feels the stretch from Felip’s cock. He goes faster and harder than Roger does and it’s incredible. A voice speaking in Catalan cuts into his ear.

“You want me to slap a little bit? Tell me how much.”

It’s not something he and Roger have ever tried but why not? The first one is no more than a tingle but it adds to the sensation.

“More”

That one hurt a little but he’s starting to get why people are into this.

“Harder”

That one really stung and he lets out a yelp of pain, but it’s shockingly good too.

“I want more like that. No harder”

He’s so close to his climax, crying out in mingled pain and pleasure – he’s dimly aware that Roger doesn’t seem to be there anymore so he takes himself in hand – Fuck, fuck, his muscles clench around the man – he hears Felip shout out and then he’s coming himself -God, that feels good.

“Rafael, I think you need to look after your friend.”

What? He looks round the room and sees Roger crouching in the corner with his hands over his ears, eyes squeezed shut. Shit, shit,shit. Rafa is over there in a moment.

“Roger, what is it? Come back to me.” He gets no response. “Roger, it’s me” What the fuck should he do?

“Felip, can you get dressed and go and find Melek? Tell him to come here” He looks around frantically for his clothes and then sits close to Roger, bitter regrets flooding over him. After a minute or two Roger lets his hands drop from his ears but only so he can put his head on his knees, he doesn’t seem to notice Rafa’s presence at all.

A few minutes later Melek is in the room, he sits beside Roger and strokes his back, speaking quietly in German. He doesn’t get a response at first but then it seems to work, Roger lifts up his head and starts talking. He’s obviously describing what happened, Rafa can hear his name a few times as they talk. Eventually Melek gets up and speaks to them both in English.

“Roger, you stay here – get yourself together. Rafa – come with me if you woudn’t mind”

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Once they’ve gone Roger gets himself off the floor and finds his way back to the bed – he still feels shaky. What a fucking awful time to have a freak-out and it had been a bad one too. That fucked-up Roger who came home from Stuttgart is only a small part of who he is now – he sits very quietly in a little box and is happy to be ignored most of the time but just occasionally he seems compelled to remind Roger of his existence. Thank God Melek was there – he’s always been good at persuading fucked-up Roger back into his box. But he needs to stay there – Rafa must always see the Roger he fell in love with, not this mad, embarrassing stranger. Who would love that? He thinks back to how he had felt before that unwelcome appearance, the party had been truly amazing up till then – focus on that and let those feelings flow back………..

                                                          *******************************************  
                                                          *******************************************

It’s not easy to find a quiet spot in the house but at least here they don’t have to shout.

“Are you all right?”

“Melek, what the hell happened..?” He’s shaking badly himself now.

“He couldn’t stand watching you being hurt, we’re lucky he didn’t attack the guy. That would have made a good story for the press”

“God, I’m so sorry”

“Wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have known”

“I should have. I’m so stupid” He’s overcome with shame. What was he doing anyway, having sex with someone else. It hardly seems to matter that Roger had been urging him on, it still feels like a betrayal.

“That’s no fucking use, man” Melek’s voice is gentler than his words “He loves you, you have to be stronger than this.”

The words give him some strength. “What should I do?”

“Go back, he’ll be fine by now. These upsets never last long”

That sounds hopeful but Rafa hasn’t quite recovered yet.

“Melek, thank you, I’m very grateful.” He is grateful, despite the pain and jealousy gnawing at him. “And sorry we messed up your party”

That provokes a laugh. “Don’t worry, I wouldn’t know my life if Roger wasn’t causing me trouble. But no more tonight, please.”  
                                                       *************************************************  
Melek turns out to be right, when Rafa returns to the room Roger is looking perfectly calm.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry, Rafa, what a stupid freak-out”

“No, God, it was my fault. Are you OK?”

“Yeah, come here” Rafa settles down beside him on the bed. “Thank you for staying with me, that helped”

It did? “You didn’t seem to know who I was.”

“I wasn’t ready to talk. But I knew you were there”

It’s something. “I had no idea what to do, it frightened me”

“Don’t be frightened, these things happen to me, but I get over them fast enough”

There must be more to it than that but now doesn’t seem the time to question it. Let everything calm down first.

“We were both a bit too drunk, Roger, what a way to spoil the party”

“What are you talking about? It’s been a fantastic night”

“Really?”

“Of course” Roger suddenly looks serious. “Do you know how…how….normal I’ve felt tonight, being here with my boyfriend, the man I’m in love with, not having to hide anything? And until that guy slapped you it was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. Be honest, you loved it.” He’s smiling now.

Rafa thinks back. “It was amazing. But not as good as with you”

“Of course not. But seriously, it’s been one of the best nights of my life”

“Mine too” And in a way, it had. But he can’t follow Roger into sleep. There’s a part of Roger that’s so far away from him, that he doesn’t understand, that maybe belongs to someone else. And the sex with Felip – what did that mean – is he gay now? It shouldn’t bother him but it’s unexpected – he’d never imagined being attracted to anyone other than Roger. As if sensing the tension Roger stirs in his sleep and presses in closer – the action brings tears to Rafa’s eyes. Roger loves him – isn’t that all that matters?

                                                                       ***************************************  
Three days afterwards: Manacor

“I want you to explain this to me Rafael”

Rafa looks at the newspaper that Toni has put into his hands – one of the Spanish tabloids. There’s a couple of photos, one of Roger and one of himself, taken outside the rented house. Thank God they’d made sure to arrive separately, the article suggests no more than that he and Roger had just happened to be at the same party.

“What do I have to explain, Tio? I told you I was going to a party.”

“Don’t bullshit me. I asked around, you aren’t a friend of this guy’s, you have no friends in common. You flew out to Germany just to go to a party with Roger Federer”

“So?”

“We all know about his private life. You’re involved with him.”

Rafa may have been living a lie with Toni but he’s never lied directly to him and he can’t start now.

“I am”

“How long?”

“Cincinatti”

“Is this some experiment? You like a bit of variety?”

“That’s a fucking offensive thing to say. I’m in love with him”

“Bollocks”

“If you want me to discuss this show a bit of respect”

“You think you were respecting me by keeping this a secret?”

He has a point. “Maybe not. But you’re not exactly proving I was wrong are you?”

That seems to get through to him, when he speaks again his tone is quieter. “How can you possibly think this is a good idea?”

“I told you, I love him”

“Even when he beats you? It doesn’t hurt?”

“Of course it hurts. But when it’s over it’s over. And even you can’t say we don’t try and beat each other”

“No, Rafael, I can’t say that.”

“Then what’s your problem?”

“This isn’t just about your tennis. What sort of life are you going to have? Your schedules don’t always match, you’ll always be hiding from the press unless you want to bring a complete shitshow on your head, that isn’t the relationship I want for you.”

“It doesn’t matter Tio, I know life would be easier if he was a woman or wasn’t a tennis player or wasn’t my rival. But it’s him I fell in love with”

“You’re going to bring him to family parties? I can’t see him fitting in”

“Maribel likes him”

“You told her? And not me?”

“Yes. Because she cares about whether he makes me happy.”

“And I don’t?”

“Do you? You haven’t asked me what I love about him or anything like that.”

“Tell me about that” That brings Rafa up short, not for the words but the sudden drop in aggression, for a moment it actually feels as if Toni does care.

“I told Maribel the world felt brighter around him.” It’s true but it’s not enough. “Everything he does, it’s like he enjoys it so much. Everyone can see it when he plays tennis, I get to feel it whenever we’re together. He makes me laugh, we have fun, he’s kind, he’s loyal to his friends. Why wouldn’t I love him?”

“I understand” Neither of them says anything for a while “It’s true, Rafael, he is joyful, I can see the attraction, of course I can. But I also see so many problems.”

“So do I. But this isn’t getting us anywhere Tio. What do you want to do?”

“It doesn’t seem to be affecting your tennis so we carry on, if you’re OK with that. But I want you to be honest with me – and I promise to keep my opinions to myself unless you ask for them”

“You’ll never keep that promise”

“You’re probably right” But the admission has lightened the atmosphere between them. “I actually do care about your happiness, Rafael, even when it doesn’t seem like it.”

“I know”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first section references David Foster Wallace's famous essay on Federer although I've given it a different title in this timeline and imagined that the content would have been somewhat different.

January 2008: Chennai

  
It’s the article everyone is talking about, David Foster Wallace – Roger Federer: The Return of Artistry. Roger himself doesn’t seem to like it much (telling Rafa that trying to read it had given him a headache) but Rafa is curious – will it give him clues to some essence of Roger he has missed?

Half way through and he understands why it gave Roger a headache – it’s like reading in a foreign language where you know the vocabulary but not the grammar – the man knows the right words to describe tennis but it bears no relationship to how you actually think about the game when playing it. But the underlying message is quite clear – Roger is playing a perfect form of tennis whereas he himself is just a brute bludgeoning his opponents into submission. Soon Roger will take over the game and delight the world with new heights of artistry whereas he himself will be remembered only as the man who briefly stood in his way.

Is this how it will be? Of course someday he will be replaced – that’s part of sport – no doubt it will be harder to be philosophical when it actually happens but past champions have all survived the experience and he will survive it too. It hadn’t seemed to matter whether the new guy was Roger or Novak or someone as yet unknown emerging from the pack. But he had not anticipated this. He is aware - as Toni reminded him at Wimbledon – that people find Roger’s game beautiful but to him the idea is meaningless – when he plays Roger, or even just watches him, he is looking for weaknesses to exploit, he has no time for admiration, he can’t afford it. When he beats Roger it is because he has used his fitness, his intelligence, his skill. Yet in this article he is not to be respected for that.

He doesn’t read any more – he will obviously learn nothing about Roger here – the man knows nothing about the real person anyway. And he knows nothing really about tennis – anyone who does will know his game is not to be dismissed and written off in this way surely. Forget about it.

January 2008: Australian Open

It’s as contented a moment as Roger can ever remember – he’s just been deliciously well fucked, his back feels fine and Rafa somehow looks even more beautiful than normal.

“What are you looking so happy about?”

“I was just thinking how nice things are at the moment”

“Wait till the draw comes out”

“You’re not going to spoil my mood. I’m happy just to be here.”

“I thought pulling out of Doha was just playing safe.”

“No, it wasn’t. There was talk of some big operation – I had to see this back specialist in Switzerland - I was terrified.” He’s becoming aware of some tension in the air.

“When did you see the specialist?”

“Two weeks ago.”

“And you never said anything?”

“I didn’t want to distract you – you were playing.”

“The first round in Chennai not a fucking Wimbledon Final”

“Don’t shout at me, I was trying to do the right thing. You couldn’t have done anything anyway”

“We could have talked.”

“Be glad I didn’t. I moaned at Melek for like two hours, he was nearly killing me by the end”

“You talked to….. fuck you, Roger, I’m out of here”

“Rafa…..”

“Don’t come near me”

                                                                       **************************************  
He avoids responding to the flood of texts for about two hours but eventually it’s just too much, he starts typing.

**You still in the hotel?**

**Yes**

**Can I come over?**

**Please**

He doesn’t really know what he’s going to say. Angry tirade? Grovelling apology? How tempting to just make up and forget it all. He’d had a glass of wine so he has to walk over to the hotel but the fresh air makes things no clearer – he catches some curious looks from passers by but perhaps he looks too fierce – no one approaches him.

He doesn’t get far into the room before Roger is clinging to him. He stands there for a while letting the anger drain away from him, they still need to talk but maybe they can do that calmly.

“I’m so sorry, Rafa, I really didn’t want to bother you with it – you were playing and it’s hard on the phone – I didn’t think you’d want to hear about it.”

He pulls Roger over to the bed, might as well be comfortable.

“I know you didn’t want to bother me but it’s not just that – you’ve never really told me what happened at Melek’s party – how can we be lovers, partners, whatever you want to call it – when you don’t tell me these things?”

“They’re not nice things to talk about.”

“You talk to Melek about them.”

“I’m not in love with Melek, he’s my friend. It doesn’t matter if I piss him off”

“You’re scared of pissing me off if you’re worried about something? That’s what you think of me?”

“No, of course not, fuck. I mean…. I like that you always see me happy – I don’t want you to see me when I’m freaking out about something”

“Like at the party”

“Yes.” He looks suddenly shadowed, withdrawn. “And we don’t get much time together – I don’t want it spoilt, I want it to be perfect.”

“I get that. But things went wrong with me and Cristina because we weren’t sharing enough with each other, I don’t want it to be the same with you.”

“You’ve never talked much about her.”

“No”. Perhaps Roger isn’t the only one who’s been avoiding painful things. “I don’t want to spend hours talking about my ex”

“You think we might be as bad as each other?”

“Maybe”

“I ought to tell you about the party.”

“You don’t have…” Except Rafa really would like to know about that

“No, it was wrong to scare you like that and then not explain. I told you what happened in Stuttgart right?”

“Yes”

“Occasionally I have a memory of it where it’s like I’m still there, very strong, and that’s when I freak out. It doesn’t last long, thank God”

“That’s what Melek said.”

“He’s seen it happen a few times. We’ve never talked about it though.”

“You think you should?”

“No” He sounds adamant. “I don’t want to talk about any of it and it may never happen again anyway. But if it does you’ll know not to be worried” He stretches out on the bed. “Can we leave this now – maybe just enjoy the rest of the evening?”

“Sounds good. What are you doing tomorrow?”

“Two interviews. I'll have to pretend I read that stupid article again. Did you read it?”

“No”  
                                                        **************************************

                                                        **************************************  
July 2008: Wimbledon

Amidst the shock and misery of his defeat one thought provides a modicum of solace – Rafa now has a better chance to win. And if he doesn’t at least Roger will not be responsible for his pain this time – he will be able to comfort him as a lover should. But he hopes that will not be necessary. Before facing his presser he manages to send a message:

**Make sure you win it now**

and gets a speedy reply

**I’ll do it for you.**

                                                                     ******************************************

                                                                     ******************************************  
“Don’t take any advice from him Rafael, it won’t help you”

“I can’t stop him Tio but I’m trying to ignore it.” Roger has indeed been bombarding him with not terribly helpful advice. He seems more obsessed with Rafa winning than Rafa is himself.

“I can imagine – he was pestering me yesterday as well.”

“Really?” That does surprise him – Roger and Toni have never got further than a cool politeness.

“Oh yes”. Toni gives an unexpected smile and then sighs. “I can’t pretend I think your relationship is a good idea but…. he does care about you, that’s very obvious. I just wish…things could be easier for you…and for him”

“I think one day you might get to like him, Tio”

“Don’t push it.”  
                                                                  ************************************

“Rafa, when Roddick and then Federer went out you must have thought this was your chance didn’t you?”

“Obviously but it also put pressure on me – I had to just focus on winning each match.”

“Was it very hard when you were on match point – thinking “this is it”?

“I just tried to concentrate on getting the serve in.”

“I don’t know if you realised but Roger Federer was watching from the crowd and seemed to be cheering you on – does that surprise you?”

“No, we get on well. After he went out I knew he would be supporting me”

“In your speech you broke down when you were trying to thank your family and friends – is there something you would like to say now?”

“Not really, they know who they are”

                                                                          ********************************  
The party is happening around him but it’s almost as if he’s not there – really he justs wants to live in that moment of holding the trophy – knowing that the quest was over – for the rest of his life he will be a Wimbledon Champion – that future black mark “he never won Wimbledon” finally gone.

“You look completely out of it” Maribel sits down beside him.

“I feel it, but it’s good”

“Did you get a chance to see Roger?”

“Yes, briefly.” They’d managed a few private moments - far too short but they’ve arranged a quick holiday to properly celebrate.

“You didn’t think of bringing him here?”

For one brief moment Rafa had thought of doing exactly that but it would hardly have been fair.

“I couldn’t really have done that to him – just walked in and said “Meet my boyfriend, everyone” He had told his parents straight after Toni found out but not the entire family.

“Roger would have found that funny – and then he would have charmed them all. I think it’s you that would have found it difficult”

“Stop it Maribel” “There hadn’t really been a moment when he’d said goodbye to Roger when he’d thought he looked hurt – he was just imagining that.

“You’ve been with him nearly two years and you’re still keeping him secret?”

“I’m celebrating the greatest win of my life and you want to criticise me about my relationship? ”

“I can see why it’s hard to go public. But keeping him away from the family…”

“Can you find something else to talk about?”

“Cristina’s been in touch with me.”

Where did that come from? “Why?”

“She wondered if she could meet up with you. So you could be on better terms.”

“Your sense of timing is shit, you know that?”

“Would you meet up?”

He hadn’t really wanted to part with Cristina on such bad terms, he’s certainly not going be the small one here.

“Of course, give her my new number” Changing it had been incredibly petty anyway. “Now can we please talk about my incredible win and the fact that my boyfriend was cheering like a maniac even though I told him to be discreet?” The video has gone viral.

“Did you like him doing that?”

It had touched him deeply – but the consequences have made him fearful. If this is the reaction to a video what will happen when the truth is known?  
                                                  ********************************************  
July 2008: Manacor

“Rafael, I’m very glad you agreed to see me. I know…it can’t have been easy”

“No, it was, I never wanted things to end the way they did. How are you?”

“Well.”

She does look well although somewhat nervous -they’d agreed his house was the best place to meet but being a visitor where she’d once been so at home must feel strange to her.

“Congratulations on your Wimbledon win – I know how much that meant to you”

“Thank you, it did. Drink?”

“Please.”

Things feel a little more relaxed with drinks in hand.

“I laughed at that film of Federer cheering for you, you must be good friends.”

He looks at her sharply but she doesn’t seem to be hinting at anything, surely Maribel wouldn’t have confided in her anyway.

“He’s a decent guy. Cristina, it’s nice to chat but is this all you wanted to talk to me about?”

“No, it isn’t.” She puts down the glass. “I wanted to apologise for some of the things I said to you that last time. You didn’t deserve them”

“No I didn’t.” He takes a deep breath “How is….Josep?”

“It didn’t last long with him, there’s no-one at the moment”

“So it was just to hurt me was it? You didn’t even care about him?”

“No, Rafael, I was lonely – he offered comfort, he made me feel wanted – but I realised I was using him. And he knew it too”

“I know how that feels”

She gets up abruptly from the sofa “This is a waste of time.”

“No, no, I’m sorry, sit down.” She stays standing but doesn’t move towards the door. “I’m still hurt by what you did but I know you had…. reasons to be angry with me. Please stay”

She sits down again although she’s on the edge of the sofa – unsure of her welcome.

“How are all your family, Cristina? Is your mother still seeing the toyboy?”

She laughs “No, she’s dating some boring dickhead with loads of money. She’s hopeless” Her family was always chaotic, although fun to be around, less intense than Rafa’s own. It’s good to get the conversation away from the past, the atmosphere is lighter now as they catch up. She had always got on well with his family too.

“And… are you seeing anyone Rafael?” she sounds tentative.

“Yes, yes…I am” 

“I hope she’s making you happy”

“She…she…does” It feels all wrong but how can he tell her he’s replaced her with a man? That’s hardly going to make her feel good. As if sensing some awkwardness she gets up from the sofa.

“I must go, I have to make an early start tomorrow.”

“I understand. And…I’m glad you came, it wasn’t right the way we ended things.”

“No.”

Truly it’s a relief that she’s gone, he is genuinely pleased to have smoothed over some old wounds but perhaps it would have been better not to see her. There was a whole future that he had imagined with Cristina, retirement, a peaceful life in Mallorca, hearing her talk to their children in Catalan, normality. A future that can never be lived with Roger. What will replace it?  
                                                                       ***********************************  
                                                                       ***********************************  
August 2008: Mediterranean Sea

Roger had been a little fearful of seasickness but the worries are completely unfounded.

“I can hardly feel this thing moving, Rafa. Are you sure we’re actually going somewhere?”

“It’s not a fishing boat, you don’t feel much unless there’s a storm.”

“I thought you said I had to go fishing tomorrow?”

“You do.”

Oh, well, it’s a problem for the morning. This is the evening with its promise of celebratory sex – as if picking up the thought he feels Rafa leaning into him a little more closely. One day this may happen every night.

“When we retire we can do this all the time.”

“Have you thought seriously about that?”

“It’s a long way off for me”

“Not quite so much for me”

“I suppose not. What do you think you’ll do?”

“We’ve been talking about opening an Academy, first in Mallorca and then maybe other places. I love the idea of that”

“I’ll come and teach at it.”

“Roger, are we talking about the future here?”

“I’d like to” He sits up suddenly, there are things on his mind he needs to say. “Rafa, have you thought seriously about going public? Because I’m beginning to think…it might be time.”

“What’s brought that on?”

“I just think it would be nice not to be sneaking around. I know we’ll get a lot of hassle at first but… being able to go places together…properly… I’d like that.”

“I…need to think about it. Do you mind?”

“Of course not, take your time.” There’s a hurt somewhere deep that Rafa doesn’t sound too keen but he buries it even deeper. It’s soon forgotten when Rafa starts removing his shirt and letting his hands roam.

“Is this to celebrate your win?”

“Do we need an excuse? But if it’s my win….do I get to choose whatever I like?”

”Of course.”

“Then I’d like….” He gives Roger a detailed description which almost removes the need for anything more.. But not quite.  
                                                                      ***************************************  
                                                                      ***************************************  
The sex has been as mind-blowingly good as ever – it’s tempting to just subside into the comfort of Roger’s presence but…..

“Do you want to talk more about going public?” He hasn’t missed the fact that he has hurt Roger by not being instantly enthusiastic.

“Rafa, you’d have to be totally OK with it – it wouldn’t be easy.”

“I’d love to be open about it but Roger, the worst thing about being No 1 has been dealing with fame and the press and all the rest. If I could just have played tennis without all that shit it would have been fine with me. So thinking of all that attention…it’s hard”

“Perhaps we should just forget it. We’re OK as we are.”

“No, I’m going to think about it seriously – and how we might do it.”

“Thank you. It’s harder for you anyway”

“Is it?”

“Of course. I’ll have to come out some day whatever happens. You – if you didn’t want to be with me anymore no-one would ever have to know.”

“I don’t know if I can call myself straight any more – remember what happened with Felip.”

“How could I forget? I told you - hottest thing I’ve ever seen.”

The memories aren’t entirely comfortable but Rafa is aware that if given another chance… No, he’s not totally straight any more, even if he can’t be sure what he is. He could probably still live a straight life though…..

“Roger, you said you’d slept with girls – do you think you could ever have fallen in love with one? It’s not like I ever thought I’d be in love with a guy”

“Even if I had it would’ve made no difference” There’s no doubt at all in his voice. “As soon as I went with a man I knew that’s what my body wanted, what it needed. How could I ask a woman to live with that?

“And you’ve..” how does Rafa find the right phrase….” never wished…?”

“That I was straight?” He seems never to have thought about this. “It might make my life easier, I suppose. But being gay – that’s who I am, Rafa – why would I want to be someone else?”

He’s so confident in himself, so sure, it’s one of the things Rafa admires about him. He wishes he had the same sureness about things in his own life.  
 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is a bit angsty. But I've kept it short.

US Open September 2008

“I think Federer will really challenge for No 1 next year Rafael”

“He’s been threatening to do that for a while Tio”

“Yes, but there’s something about him now – the way he played – he looked…hardened”

They are in the crowd watching Roger celebrate the win – Toni had said he wanted to watch the Final and of course, it makes things less obvious if they're there together. Rafa pushes aside the thought that Roger hadn’t seemed to care about that at Wimbledon. He’s managed to push back the issue of going public – it’s not something they would want to do during the season anyway. And Tio is right – this version of Roger would look no different to the casual fan but his shots have slightly less joyful elegance and a fraction more purpose. This year is going to be a tough one.

                                                             ***************************************  
They’ve managed to snatch a few private moments – it’s the first Grand Slam Roger has won where Rafa has not been playing (his fucking knees) and that has its compensations – Rafa can share in his joy.

“Roger, you played so – you were amazing and your game – it’s changing.”

“I know – I’ve been working on some different strategies – they really came together” He smiles in delight – that smile that still stops Rafa’s heart dead. He ignores the trickle of fear that now lives alongside it. Soon Roger will be No 1 and what will the whole world be saying? _How wonderful to have him at the top of the game – Nadal won a lot of things, he was a great fighter but he wasn’t really an artist was he? Let’s wave him on his way and then forget about him…….._ What on earth is he becoming – how can he feel this way about the man he loves….

“Rafa, why don’t you come to the party with me? We’ve booked a club room.”

“Is it secure?”

“Probably not, we haven’t had time to check it out totally but…”

“Roger, you should be enjoying this, you don’t want a shitstorm tomorrow. The end of the season makes much more sense”

“I suppose so.” But some of the joy in his eyes has dimmed.

                                                    ****************************************************  
November 2008: WTF Finals

“I think maybe we should wait another year Roger, there’s going to be a lot of publicity around us with you probably going to No 1 – that’s enough to cope with.” He doesn’t quite look at Roger while he’s saying it – he doesn’t want to see the hurt in his eyes.

“I suppose that makes sense”

“It won’t be forever, I promise.” It feels so empty – he forces himself to look at Roger.

“Of course” He smiles, but it’s not a smile that reaches his eyes. “We can wait.”

Indian Wells 2009

Rafa doesn’t watch Roger’s interviews too often but this one has flashed up on the screen while they’re eating.

_“How does it feel to have finally taken the No 1 spot Roger – you’ve been waiting a long time?”_

_“It’s great but of course I have to maintain it now -Rafa isn’t going to sit back and let me keep it without a fight.”_

_“I’m sure everyone’s looking forward to more great matches between you. Do you enjoy them?”_

_“Of course, they’re tough but you want to prove yourself against the best….”_

At this point Roger seems to tire of listening to himself, he goes to switch off the screen.

“You look so smooth in interviews now Roger. It took me so long to feel comfortable with all that.”

“It’s just playing a part, Rafa, it’s not really who I am”

“But you don’t seem to mind all the fuss, I’ve seen you with the fans, with journalists, you always look happy. I think you like being No 1”

“It’s just a number.”

“Don’t treat me like a child, of course you love it, it’s what we all want.”

“I’m sorry, yes, I like it, I just don’t want to rub your face in it, that’s all. Can we leave it, we’re spoiling our time together.”

“Of course, sorry.”

Manacor June 2009

It’s been a relaxing dinner with Cristina –– they can talk as friends now without the bitter pain of their parting intruding.

“Do you think you can hold off Federer at Wimbledon, Rafael? He’s looking strong, isn’t he?”

“Thanks for reminding me.” He smiles to show her she hasn’t said anything wrong. “I don’t know, at least I won in Paris, he’s still not really challenging me there.”

“You still get along OK with him?”

“Yes, he’s a nice guy. Coffee?”

“Please”

Surely he needs to tell her – but what that will that do to her – there’s no way it’s not going to hurt. When he returns she’s standing by the window.

“I really missed seeing this view after we split up Rafael”

“That was the thing you missed most?”

“No. But it’s still beautiful. Like you”

“Cristina….”

“Talk to me honestly. Do you have any regrets?”

“I can’t…” But he’s remembering how much he used to enjoy touching her – wouldn’t it be wonderful to feel softness again – he’s standing beside her and it feels natural to be kissing her and then taking her upstairs and….

Afterwards it’s as if he can see his future life so clearly – Cristina at the center of his family, chatting in Catalan to his grandmother, pregnant maybe. Cristina on tour with him – she’d like that, she’d always felt he’d kept his distance too much, cheering him on, rejoicing in his every win, comforting him after a loss. She wouldn’t betray him again, nor would she keep a part of her soul for someone else, they could share everything like she’d always wanted. Toni would be happy, his parents would be happy, no torture from the press, no whispers in the locker room…..

Yes, it’s a life where he would carry a huge hole in his heart. But it’s a life he can no longer resist.

                                                       ***********************************************  
Switzerland June 2009

“You’re getting back with your ex”

“It isn’t that I don’t love you – but I have to see if we can make a life together”

“Does she know that? That you’re not sure if you want to fuck her or a guy?”

“Roger, you deserve better – someone who can be with you when you win – someone who will cheer you being No 1 in the world”

“Is that it? You can’t handle me being better than you?”

“Of course not ….it’s just not fair on you… I don’t know if I can give up everything I used to dream of…. face the publicity, not having children…”

“We could have children if we wanted, there are ways.”

“It wouldn’t be the same.”

“And that’s the truth isn’t it? Any life with me couldn’t be as good as a fucking straight life could it?”

“Roger, I don’t want it to end like this, please.

“What did you want me to say, Rafa? That of course I understand why you wouldn’t want to be with a guy forever, I’m just lucky you took some time out from your perfect straight life so you could enjoy getting fucked for a while. That’s what you want from me?”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Fuck off, Rafa. See you at Wimbledon.”

                                                                    *****************************

Thank God he’d found a quiet spot to park the car earlier because he certainly can’t drive away yet. Roger is right – what had he expected? Perhaps that he would beg him to stay - is that what he had wanted? Or that Roger would make it easy for him somehow? Tell him that he understood all the pain and conflict going on in Rafa’s head – maybe even find a way through it? He looks up at the building he has just left – is there really a part of him that hopes Roger will come running out and ask him not to go? How long before he can bear to move away? Maybe Roger is crying - he cannot even bear to think of that. Or maybe he’s calling Melek – yes, probably that – as always – what is the point of waiting around here anyway? Move, go.

                                                                           *************************************  
                                                                           *************************************

When he’s gone Roger lies down on the floor, curls up into a ball and simply stays there, without crying, until at last the waves of agonising pain have given way to an exhausted numbness. At least he’d kept his dignity, not begged Rafa to stay with him, not revealed what he was feeling. And he still has tennis, the daily ritual, the pride in his No 1 ranking, the joy of holding trophies. You don’t need love in your life to win those trophies do you, all you need is the will to get up everyday and practice and train and play your matches. He doesn’t feel much like eating but he gets up anyway and heads for the kitchen. Can’t win without the right fuel.


	14. Chapter 14

July 2009 : Wimbledon

The practice has gone well – he feels as fit as he ever has – he wants his title back like he’s never wanted anything so much in his life.

“Man, this has to be the last practice I do with you, I’m not going to get through the first round if I feel like this tomorrow.”

“You’re out of shape, Melek, you need to do some fucking work”

“I need to retire.” Words that Roger doesn’t want to hear, he is not yet so numbed to feeling that he can contemplate losing Melek as well.

“I hope you’re not serious.”

“I can barely pay my expenses Roger, and my body isn’t going to take much more, I wake up in pain every day now. I need to think about the future, a normal life.”

“Come on tour with me, I’ll pay you, Peter and I have been talking about getting a partner and you know my game better than anyone.”

“That’s your idea of a normal life?”

“It doesn’t have to be for ever. And you’ll walk into a tennis job afterwards.” He doesn’t want to plead, hopefully Melek will see the sense in that.

Thankfully he does. “That’s true. And it would give me a chance to think about the future, I suppose. Roger, I know you don’t want to talk about….but are you going to be able to play him, I mean, without things getting in the way?”

“I always had to put my emotions away to play him, nothing’s changed really.”

“And the earlier rounds, you can focus?”

“I want my title back, that’s all that matters. I made a fucking stupid mistake Melek, I should have stuck to my rules on straight guys, in the end they’re always just playing with us.”

“Try not to get bitter about it”

“I’m not. But I’ll know better next time.”

                                                         ************************************************  
                                                         ***********************************************  
For the first time Rafa seriously wonders whether to skip the Press Conference and pay the fine but no, he can’t be a coward.

 _“_ Rafa, that was obviously difficult for you out there. Could you tell us how that happened?”

“Well, of course Roger played much better than I did, I have to congratulate him, he obviously deserved the win.”

“Was there an injury or other problem?”

He had been feeling his knee but he’s not going to take away from Roger’s victory.

"No, no, he was just too good today.” _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _  
________ _

It carries on like that but doesn’t get any worse, at last he is released and can find a quiet space. He knows his family will be looking for him but he can’t face them just yet.

Roger had been perfectly composed during the match, but he had played with an intensity and controlled ferocity that had been overwhelming. He had performed the usual post match hug, he had said all the right things in his speech. No-one could have known that they were anything other than respectful, even friendly colleagues. But Rafa knows, he knows the Roger who can giggle at the smallest thing, who only last year set the whole Internet gossiping about them, who used to play tennis as if it was the most fun anyone could ever have. Today Roger had transformed himself into a machine, not only to beat Rafa but to make sure no-one in the world would ever see the hurt underlying that transformation. Is the old Roger still there underneath? Surely he must be, even if Roger never speaks to him again he cannot bear the thought that that Roger is lost to the world. And that he had killed it.

                                                                                                                    
September 2009: US Open

“Do you want him to go out or do you want the pleasure of beating him?”

Roger is lying on the bed, pressed close against Melek while they watch Rafa’s quarter final match. He’s not much interested in sex these days (it might interfere with his focus) but he allows himself this small measure of comfort.

“Doesn’t matter. So long as I win.” It’s true, lifting trophies is an all consuming passion. Everything else, training, interviews, photos, talking to fans, is good for distraction, for not feeling; but winning trophies - that produces joy. Seeing his name at No 1 on the rankings list – that is satisfaction.

“Have you spoken to him?”

“When I have to.” There’s been some speculation on the Internet that they don’t seem as close as they once were but there’s been no public falling out.

“You don’t want to be on better terms with him?”

“No, why would I? I have nothing to say to him, he made his choice. He chose someone he doesn’t love so that he can live as a straight. That’s what he thinks of our lives Melek, that’s how shit he thinks we are.”

“Roger, I don’t think it was that simple….”

“Just talk about the tennis, man”

“OK”

It’s clear well before the end that Rafa is going to be beaten, his movement is distinctly off. Roger feels little – all opponents are just obstacles in his way, the winning is what counts.

“Did you order takeout, Roger?”

“Yeah, it’s due at 7”

“What are we getting?”

“Can’t remember. Something healthy.”

“Sounds thrilling.”

 

September 2009: Manacor

He is sat with Maribel watching the US Open Final – he has little doubt that Roger will win despite Novak being in good form. He is simply too ruthless now.

“Do you want Roger to win?”

“Of course.” It’s true – Roger is far and away the best player in the world right now – little point holding on to resentment about that – Rafa had had a good run and there is even some relief in being free from the pressure. And he has been touched by the outpouring of love from so many fans and even sections of the press – his fears that he would be forgotten and dismissed as soon as Roger reached his peak have turned out to be groundless. Why had he ever thought that anyway? Laver, Borg, Sampras – these names are still revered – why had he thought it would be different for him? It’s not even as if he’s intending retirement -there could be more titles for him in the future.

“Good. So do I.” He remembers with some guilt that they had become friends -he’s never asked her if she feels that loss.

“I’m sorry Maribel – I should have asked you whether you missed him.”

“I do miss him – I spoke to him when I came to see you in Cincinatti – he was polite but I think he found it too awkward.”

“He’s polite to me as well when we have to see each other”

“And that hurts you.”

“It does, but I deserve it”

“I’ve told you before, it couldn’t have all been your fault. These things are never one-sided.”

“I don’t think he’d agree with you.”

“Rafa, I’m your sister, you can’t ever get rid of me so I’m going to ask -do you really not love him any more – do you love Cristina?”

“I love the life I can build with her, and our relationship is better now, we share more with each other, I like that.”

“You didn’t share things with Roger?”

“There were things he wouldn’t share with me, he kept them for someone else” The old jealousy is still there.

“For Melek.”

That surprises him, how does she know that? “You know him?”

“When we had our meal in Paris he was there. We talked for a bit on our own”

“You never told me that.”

“I’m telling you now. He seemed very protective of Roger, more than you’d expect from just a friend maybe, but I don’t think he’s in love with him, I didn’t get that feeling at all. And if you think Roger wasn’t in love with you then you really have gone mad.”

“No, it was always me Roger loved, I know that. I think he was trying to protect me from pain by not sharing, he wanted me always to see him happy. And I got used to that, Maribel, when I knew I’d have to face the press – discuss our future, think about children, when I realised he would take my ranking – I couldn’t do it. Maybe if we’d both faced up to pain from the start, together, but we never did that….” Too late, much too late.

“Rafa, if you still love him….”

“My life is with Cristina now. He wouldn’t take me back anyway”

They watch Roger lift the trophy, he’s smiling and dealing smoothly with the speeches, so polished, so professional. And breaking Rafa’s heart in the process.  
 

  
June 2010: Manacor

It’s been impossible to escape from it – the match on which so much is riding – will Roger manage that four-in-a-row and his first French Open title. Ever since Rafa had lost to Soderling the talk has been of this possibility – now he is waiting for the match with Cristina beside him. She knows of his relationship with Roger although he has spared her much of the detail. Perhaps it isn’t a good idea to watch the match together but how could he say no to her?

From the start he senses it is not going well – he had wanted so much these last couple of days to phone Roger – to pour out advice – who knows better than himself how to win on a clay court? It’s not that Roger is playing badly – he only needs to adapt his strategy a very little bit to make best use of the surface – Rafa feels his arm moving slightly as if trying to play the right shot for him – maybe Roger can find the key – come on, come on.

It is over. Just one match but Rafa knows this kind of heartbreak, he watches Roger at the net looking calm, he looks composed enough during his speech, the crowd loving the French language of course, and then he steps aside to let Robin have his moment. The camera still has him in the corner though – Rafa can see his head droop a little, he’s fighting to maintain control, his hand swipes at his eyes quickly. It’s the Roger that Rafa knows, that had seemed to be buried, he’s not smiling now but you know he has a smile that lights up the whole world. Who will be comforting him after this, Melek probably, but Melek cannot understand what this sort of loss does to you, how everything seems bleak and empty, how your whole soul is ripped from you, it should be Rafa there, it could have been… if only…..

“Rafael, are you OK, I know you wanted him to win but…”

He looks at her, suddenly full of disgust with himself. How dare he use her just to make a comfortable life for himself, every word she had once said to him was true, “you just use me for your own convenience, Rafael, all you care about is yourself”

“Cristina, I have to tell you….”

“You’re still in love with him.”

“Yes”

“So everything you said to me – it was all lies.”

“No, no – I wanted… I wanted a life with you but I can’t do it….I’m so, so sorry”

“You fucking bastard, I hope he doesn’t want you back, I’d tell him that myself if I could, he deserves better.”

“I don’t think he will take me back but it doesn’t matter, I can’t be with someone else while I still love him. It’s not fair on you”

“Don’t tell me this is all for my own good, don’t pretend this is about me.”

“I’m so sorry.” Why does he keep having to say this to people he cares about?

“I don’t want to hear it.” There’s no more to be said, he lets her go. What an absolute fuck-up he has made of everything. And why on earth would Roger forgive him anyway? Yet still he’s aware that his mind has found a tiny corner of peace amidst the despair. There is no struggle now between the competing claims of love, family, rivalry, jealousy – there is a clarity. Maybe he can’t have it, probably it’s far too late, but now, at last, he knows what it is he wants.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final two chapters of the main story (but see Notes at the end of the next chapter)
> 
> I'm afraid it's a bit sweary but this is how men "talk about their feelings"
> 
> I hope you have all found the story interesting, if you have enjoyed it please leave a comment - they mean so much.
> 
> Thank you to the lovely people who have left "likes" and comments.

June 2010:Manacor

Perhaps he should have expected that Roger would change his number but it still hurts. There has to be a way round it surely. He will just have to use his imagination.

“Hi Richard, you French guys are all friendly with Stan, I know. Could you ask him to call me?”

“Sure, or I can just give you his number?”

“If you’re happy to do that”

“Of course, I’ll forward it. Did you watch the Final? Were you glad?”

“Why would I be glad?”

“You’re still the main man on clay, Federer can’t touch you there.”

“I suppose so.” Of course he will always be King of Clay – there’s so much he will be remembered for. Why had he ever doubted it? “Thanks for this, Richard”

 

What’s the best way to do this? He knows Roger and Stan are friends, but not whether Stan knows anything.

“Hi Stan, it’s Rafa. Listen, Roger forgot to give me his new number, could you give it to me? I need to chat to him about some publicity.” That sounds nice and casual doesn’t it?

There’s a definite hesitancy at the other end. “Can’t you go through Nike?”

Shit. “Of course, I just thought this might be quicker.”

“This is a bit embarrassing, Rafa, but Roger was clear that we don’t give his number to anyone.” The silent “especially you” might as well have been shouted at full volume.

“I understand. Thanks anyway. Good luck at Wimbledon”

What does he do now?

 

“Hello, Fiona, about that charity event we were discussing, I wondered if it would be a good idea to get Roger involved, people love it when we do joint events. If you could just send me his number...”

There is a long and discouraging pause.

“Didn’t Simon talk to you?”

Simon? Oh yes, Roger’s personal Nike minion.

“No, he didn’t”

“Roger’s team want to cut back on joint events. They think it was creating too much gossip.”

“Why does that matter?”

“I don’t know, Rafa, maybe they thought it wasn’t fair on Cristina.” Her tone clearly implies Rafa should have thought of this himself.

Well, he seems to be convincing the whole world he’s an idiot. Perhaps there’s some justice in that.

 

“Maribel, I don’t suppose there’s any chance Roger gave you his new number is there?”

“No, but I’m glad to see you’ve come to your senses.”

“Do you have anything remotely useful to suggest, Maribel?”

“You need to speak to him”

“That’s amazing, why didn’t I think of that?”

“Glad I could help.”

 

Halle June 2010

It had been a last minute decision to play here after Roger had pulled out citing an injury but it was a good one. Rafa likes the feel of the tournament, the organisation is superb, the atmosphere friendly. Even Toni is looking relaxed.

“I’ve sorted out your schedule Rafa, very straightforward. The guy organising used to be on the Tour – much easier to deal with than your usual brain dead official”

“Good. Anyone I know?”

“Someone called Melek. The name sounds familiar but I didn’t recognise the face. Know him?”

“A little. I might go and say Hello, where’s the office?”

“Down that corridor on the left”  
                                               

                                                       ***************************************

He hopes the German he can hear after knocking on the door means “Come in” – it sounded like it.

“I already sorted your schedule with Toni, Rafa, is there a problem?” Melek’s face is giving nothing away.

“It wasn’t my schedule I came about”

“Why doesn’t that surprise me. You want to sit down?” He gestures towards a chair.

“Thank you.” Could this feel any more awkward? Well, he’s having to swallow huge amounts of pride to even be here, if he has to beg on his knees then he’ll do that too.

“I came to ask…how is Roger?”

“Bad back but they don’t think it’s too serious”

“He really is injured then?”

“Of course. Why did you think he wasn’t?”

“I thought maybe he was still upset about Paris.”

“You thought that would stop him playing?” The idea seems to cause Melek some amusement. “He’ll try again – he’ll get more chances. He’s strong”

“I know. Why are you here, by the way, I thought you were touring with Roger?”

“I am. But the guy who normally does this job had to pull out suddenly and they offered it to me. It’s good experience, I can make a career out of this eventually”

“You impressed Toni - and that’s not easy to do, I should know”

“Rafa, please cut out the bullshit, why are you here?”

His hands are shaking, this is so important. “Roger… I ’d like to see him… or just speak to him”

“Why can’t you?”

“He changed his number, I’ve tried to go through other people but it hasn’t worked. I only see him in public and that’s no use”

“You think maybe he doesn’t want to speak to you?”

“I need to speak to him”

“Rafa, I don’t want to give you a hard time but why would I help you with this?”

“Because if there’s any part of Roger that still loves me you would know it, even if he doesn’t know it himself.”

Melek doesn’t answer right away – at least it’s not an instant refusal.

“You don’t know what you’re asking of me Rafa, if I help you and you hurt him again…” He turns away slightly, looking startlingly vulnerable in a way that Rafa could not have imagined from him.

“I know I’m asking a lot – I wouldn’t blame you for saying No”

“You have no idea.”

What is it he’s not understanding here? He’s had plenty of jealousy and resentment towards this man, he’s never thought of him as someone with a story of his own.

“Melek, you and Roger, I’ve never understood…you’re not in love but you’re not really just friends, are you?”

“I suppose not.” He hesitates but then continues “Did he ever say anything to you about Stuttgart?”

So many things seem to go back to that word. “A little.”

“Did he tell you it was my fault?”

“How could it be your fault?”

“We saw each other just before he left to play there, he wanted me to fuck him but I wouldn’t, I can’t even remember why not. I think I was afraid of hurting him, he seemed so young then, you know how he is, you can imagine.”

“Yes”

“We got into an argument about it, I called him immature and childish” Rafa might be imagining there are tears in his eyes but he doesn’t think so. “I think maybe he went out to prove he wasn’t and then got in a situation he couldn’t handle”

“He said it was bad sex because they didn’t know what they were doing. You think…..it was worse than that?” Does he really want to know the answer?

“Bad sex…that might have been how it was –it’s good he saw it that way really, it helped him get over it, as much as he ever will. But I asked him how old the man was and he said late twenties - someone that age cruising bars knows what he’s about. I think some bastard saw the chance to act out his favourite porn fantasy – on a stupid kid, Rafa. Who does that?” Rafa’s sure he’s not imagining the tears now.

“You can’t blame yourself – it might have happened anyway.”

“Whatever. You have to understand - my friends… especially Roger…they’re my family now, think if someone hurt your sister and you could have stopped it. You see now what you’re asking me to do.”

“I do”. He’s astonished that Melek didn’t just throw him out of the office as soon as he asked. Perhaps that’s a good sign.

“I won’t break his trust, Rafa, but I’ll speak to him, I’ll take that risk. But if he doesn’t want to talk that’s it, don’t try and get to him through me again, you understand?”

“Absolutely. And thank you”

“And Rafa…”

“Yes?”

“He thinks … it’s what hurt him so much… that you rejected him because you don’t think life with a gay man is good enough for you. I think he’s being too harsh on you there and that’s what I’ll tell him. But if you want him back, you’ll need to find a way of showing him it isn’t true.”

There is nothing he can say which will be adequate here. But you have to say something.

“Melek – he’s….he’s very lucky to have you”

“Tell him that when you see him.”


	16. Chapter 16

June 2010: Switzerland

“No fucking way, Melek, you flew out here to tell me this? What a fucking waste of time.”

“Man, why don’t you just listen to him? He’s obviously still in love with you, you think he enjoyed begging me for a favour?”

“I don’t fucking care. He couldn’t stand the idea of a life with me, like a gay life is worthless. I won’t forgive him for that.”

“I think he just got scared Roger, it was always going to be hard for the two of you.”

“So a life with me is scary? Thanks so much, Melek, even you’re crapping on me now.”

“For fuck’s sake man, open your eyes. The world makes it hard to be gay, it shouldn’t do but it fucking does. Stop acting like it was some terrible crime to be afraid of that. I know how much he hurt you but at least give him a chance “

“Why are you doing this, Melek? I’m over him, why should I go through it all again?”

“You’re not over him, ever since he left you’ve acted like you’re only half alive. I don’t care if you take him back or tell him to fuck off, that’s your choice, but do one of them. And then get on with your life.”

There is a long silence.

“Tell him he can come here, Melek”

“You’re sure?”

“No. But do it anyway.”

 

Switzerland June 2010

Toni, somewhat surprisingly, had not argued when Rafa had told him where he was going, there’s plenty of time before serious Wimbledon preparation anyway. He hadn’t tanked the quarter-final in Halle but there’s no doubt his mind was not exactly where it should have been. It’s also why he’s hired a chauffeur to take him to Basel, there’s no way he’d feel safe driving at the moment. It gives him chance to think - or rather for the thoughts to go round and round in his head while he tries to find the perfect sentences that will bring Roger back to him. How did he ever get into this mess?

                                                                                **************************************

“Drink?”

“Coke, please” The last thing he needs is to have his head fuzzy with alcohol. Roger looks composed but not warm, it’s hard to know at the moment why he should even have agreed to this.

“How is your back?”

“OK, it should be fine for Wimbledon.”

“I’m sorry to hear it”

Roger almost smiles at that but then turns away – and it seems he’s going to leave all the small talk to Rafa.

“How is your family?”

“Well. Yours?”

“Fine. Maribel sends her love and says she misses you”

That provokes a more genuine smile. “Send her mine. I should have been nicer to her in Cincinatti but I just wasn’t up to it at the time. Tell her I’m sorry”

“No need. She understood”

“And how is Cristina?”

“We’ve split up. I told her I was in love with someone else.”

“Which lucky girl is it this time?”

“Roger, you can tell me to fuck off if you want but drop the attitude. Why did you agree to this if you didn’t want to talk?”

That, surprisingly, produces the most genuine smile yet. “You’re right, I shouldn’t play games with you. Tell me what you want to say and I’ll listen”.

“I wanted to say… I’m so sorry, I was such an idiot, I miss you all the time, a life with you would be better than any stupid straight life, please tell me I haven’t ruined everything for ever.” It wasn’t what he’d planned to say exactly but it’s as good as anything else.

“Rafa, I…” Roger pushes his hands through his hair in apparent frustration.” I’m not trying to hurt you but I can’t imagine trusting you again, I really can’t. You made me feel my life, my gay life, wasn’t good enough for you. How do I get over that?”

“I was so stupid Roger, it’ll take time for you to trust me again, I know that. But I’m ready for everything, there are two journalists on Speeddial right here” He hands Roger the phone. “Call them now”

“I haven’t agreed to get back together and you want to go public?”

“I’m not talking about getting back together. Ring them right now, tell them what I did, then I’ll tell them how it was the biggest fucking mistake of my life. I’ll tell them that I’m gay, that I’ve been leading a double life for years, that I’ve fucked guys in every city on the Tour. Do it.”

Roger simply stares at him and then suddenly he bursts out laughing. For a moment it no longer matters to Rafa what happens, just to have Roger brighten up the whole world for him again. Just that.

“I think that would make a few headlines” He hands back the phone. “Save it for now, it would mess up my Wimbledon preparation.”

“Why do you think I suggested it?”

“Rafa, I know you still love me, I love you as well, love was never the issue was it?” His tone isn’t as encouraging as his words. “But everything that caused problems for us is still there, being rivals, you being straight, Melek – I know there were things I got wrong too…… I can’t go through it all again.”

“But we can tackle those problems Roger. Being rivals is easy to solve – I’ll stop playing.”

“Don’t be stupid – you can’t give up your career”

“Why not? I’ve achieved everything, it will stop me killing my knees and I’ll have lots of time for our children. I can coach you to win your next RG Final – you weren’t far off, you just needed one or two little changes”

“Why do I need your help to win in Paris?”

“Did you lose some brain cells when we split up? You need my help because I’m better on clay than you are.”

Roger seems about to argue then his mouth twitches and he’s suddenly laughing again. What had happened to Rafa’s own brain cells that he ever thought a life without that laughter was what he wanted?

“You can’t stop playing before you have to Rafa.” But he’s still smiling. “That isn’t a solution.”

“OK, we find a better one. Roger, it wasn’t the problems that did for us, it was that we just lived in a nice bubble and ignored them until it was too late.”

“What if they can’t be solved?”

“Then we’ll just have to live with them. There is no perfect life, Roger, all I know is I want a life with you in it. And we’ll make that life as good as it can be, together.”

“I don’t know if I can risk letting you hurt me again, Rafa.” The words come out almost in a whisper. “It’s been so hard… “ but his voice has gone altogether now, he’s crying too much. He doesn’t protest when Rafa take him in his arms and then he lets it all go, Rafa truly has no idea whether it’s the best five minutes of his life or the worst, it’s such a mixture of joy and searing, painful guilt. The moments after he feels Roger has stopped crying are terrifying, will he pull away? He doesn’t. Eventually Rafa feels the need to speak.

“Roger, if you’re not going to give me a second chance you need to tell me right now because I can’t….”

But it’s hard to speak when someone’s kissing you. And a few minutes later it’s even more difficult – it’s all over pretty quickly.

“That was …..fast”

“Good though”

“Rafa,,,.I should be honest…..”

“You’re going to tell me it was shit?”

“No. I need to tell you….. sex hasn’t….it’s been a while since I’ve done much. When we do – I might freak out, I can.....feel it” He can sense Roger tensing up beside him.

“Oh” This is the start of their new life, where they don’t avoid things. “If that happens, what should I do to help? What does Melek do?”

“Talks a load of shit in German.”

“I don’t think I can manage that.”

“I suppose – just try anything and see what works? Maybe we’ll have to find our own way.”

“That’ll be the story of our lives, they’re never going to be normal” He smiles suddenly, the peace he had glimpsed in Manacor suddenly flooding through his whole mind and body. He had never imagined a life like this but that no longer matters. “I can’t wait”

                                                                                                   THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of the main story but I will post another chapter in a few days which goes into some background. It would have diverted too far away from the main story to integrate it but if you've enjoyed this then you might find it interesting.
> 
> If JeuThiem is still reading you might find it especially interesting!


	17. Melek's Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter needs some explanation
> 
> Basically it goes into the background to some of the events in the main story. It's not intended to work as a story on its own - it won't make sense. At some points I've put chapter references in case anyone wants to remind themselves about the events referred to.
> 
> I did do some background research into being Turkish, German and gay - I took a lot from this article:
> 
> https://www.humanityinaction.org/knowledgebase/227-the-rainbow-crescent-the-integration-of-the-gay-turkish-community-in-germany
> 
> The Gayhane referred to is a party night held once a month in a Berlin nightclub. It is specifically for gay people of "Eastern" origin, mainly Turkish and Arabic.
> 
> And I've now become seriously addicted to Turkish pop music. If this song doesn't have you dancing round the room then check your pulse.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icZ-OlVSvb4

June 2002: Berlin

“You really don’t seem Turkish at all, man”

Melek is used to this sort of comment from Germans but it’s extremely annoying to hear it from Emre who is, in fact, Turkish himself.

“You mean, apart from actually looking Turkish and the fact I’m speaking it perfectly?”

“But…tennis… and …your family know about you. That’s not normal, man.”

“My family told me to fuck off.”

“What did you expect?”

What had he expected? His family were well-off by the standards of Turkish Germans, more educated – they’d struggled to pay for his tennis lessons but they’d managed. But it had counted for nothing in the end, perhaps it had even made it harder for them – as if they blamed the tennis for turning him gay, for making him too German.

“Can we just fuck? ”

“Love to”

And the sex is good but really, his occasional visits to Gayhane have been somewhat disappointing. Sure, it’s nice to have a club for Turkish gays, to not have to be on the lookout for racists and idiots, it’s fine if sex is all you want. But it’s useless if you’re looking for anything more, all these men are leading double lives, lives of pretence. Melek doesn’t blame them, most could not afford to split from their families, a few would be fearful for their lives. But he had borne the pain of losing his own family so he could live openly, why would he want to hide in someone else’s shadows? And as Emre has so tactlessly pointed out, he doesn’t really fit in here anyway.

 

July 2002: Munich

It was good of Sebastian to sort out this job for him but Melek is finding it hard to summon up enthusiasm. A training camp for “promising young players” – no doubt a bunch of spoilt, over-privileged white kids who’ll complain to Mummy if anyone criticises their shitty volleying technique.

“Remind me why I’m doing this Sebastian.”

“You need the money.”

That is true. An injury has kept him out for a couple of months and still isn’t quite right but it won’t stop him hitting up with kids.

“Any talent amongst them? Or just arrogance?”

“A few have talent. One of the German kids is hot and there’s a Swiss kid who looks good – he seems a bit of a nutcase though. And most of them are arrogant”

Great.  
                                                                       

                                                                              ******************************

His first few coaching sessions don’t go too badly – he manages to find a level of sarcasm that they find intimidating without giving them grounds for a complaint. The German kid is indeed talented and fortunately not too arrogant, the Swiss kid likewise but he doesn’t seem like a headcase – in fact he’s somewhat subdued. Some beautiful strokes though.

“That’s a lovely forehand you have there.”

“Thank you.” The kid smiles but doesn’t say any more.

“You don’t talk much”

“No”

There’s something wrong here. He gestures him over to the bench.

“If I’m going to teach you anything useful you’re going to have to speak up a bit”

“So you can call me a thick Swiss peasant?”

Where did that come from?  “Why would I do that?”

“It’s what I keep hearing from the other kids, they pretend they can’t understand me – fucking arrogant bastards”

“Oh” The kid speaks Hochdeutsch fluently but with a heavy accent and he carries a slight air of grievance at having to speak it at all. It’s probably how he’s annoyed the others. “There’s nothing wrong with how you speak but I’m from Offenburg – you can use Swiss if you want.”

“I’d like that”

The session livens up a bit after that – Melek lapses into his usual sarcasm but he’s surprised to find the kid can give it back – he’s got some spark.

“That’s enough for now. Take some time off” Last session of the day, thank God.

“Thank you.” The kid hesitates. “You’re a good teacher – you make things very clear”

Melek is touched, no-one else has managed more than a quick thank you. “That’s nice to hear”

“Would you like to go to the Games Room? Or is that not allowed?”

The kid is obviously lonely and feeling like an outsider. Melek knows all about that.

“Of course it’s allowed Roger. Come on.”

                                                                        *******************************************  
It’s the last day of the camp and Melek is saying his goodbyes. It’s been better than he expected and he needs to thank the person responsible for that. Despite the age gap Roger has been good company – he’s quick-witted, makes him laugh and is fun to be around. It’s uncomfortable for him to realise how that’s been missing from his life, from working hard at tennis, coming to terms with being gay, losing his family – no, there hasn’t been much time for fun. Hanging out with Roger has felt like a taste of the normal teenage life he missed out on.

In his room Roger is lying on the bed with headphones on – it doesn’t seem to have occurred to him to start packing.

“I just came to say goodbye, Roger and good luck. You can be a fantastic player if you want to be.”

“I hope so. And thanks for looking out for me – I appreciate it”

“Don’t mention it.” He looks around the room – Roger seems to have made himself completely at home – it’s an absolute mess. He’s even stuck some posters up on the wall – a few wrestlers and a small one of Anna Kournikova.

“I played Doubles with her last year.”

“Yeah? That must have made everyone jealous”

“Very” He feels slightly guilty about the whole thing, she’d been nice and seemed to want a friend but the idea of being the gay best friend of some over-hyped sex symbol had just felt too cliched. He hadn’t really encouraged her.

“Did you…you know…with her?”

Should he be honest? He hadn’t told the organizers – he didn’t want to feel they were watching him. But it’s the last day – it can’t do any harm now.

“No Roger, I’m gay, she was safe with me.”

Roger looks uncertain whether he’s joking or not.

“Really?”

“Yes”

He hadn’t expected Roger to burst out laughing “Man, that’s brilliant, you get the chance to be with Anna Kournikova, most men would kill for that and you don’t even want it. That’s so funny.”

Perhaps it is but then, Roger can convince him most things are funny.

“It’s good you’re cool with it Roger, not everyone is”

He looks suddenly more serious. “Honestly, Melek, I get bored when guys keep going on about girls and how much they’re getting, they’re probably all lying anyway.”

“They are.” Time to go. “Take care, man”

“And you. You’ve been really cool.”

 

 

October 2003: Basel

“Hey man, I’ve been looking for you”

Roger looks a bit more filled out and his hair is longer but not much else has changed.

“It’s good to see you again, how’s your game coming on?”

“Great, I’m the new Swiss wonderkid, that’s why they’ve given me a wildcard”

“I hope you live up to it” Melek well knows the fate of most wonderkids.

“I will.” It should sound arrogant but somehow you can’t be upset by it. “Listen, man, do you want to practice with me tomorrow? And maybe some Playstation?”

“Sounds good.” They arrange a time and then Roger has to leave, somehow the place feels flatter without him.

“Melek” He turns to see Marco Chiudinelli coming towards him. “Long time, how are you?”

“Good” Marco’s a decent guy. “I’ve just been chatting to your new wonderkid”

Marco pulls a face. “Kid’s the right word. He still behaves like an eight year old a lot of the time. And I should know – I knew him when he was eight years old”

“You think he’ll go all the way?”

“What do you think?”

“He has the talent but that isn’t enough on its own.”

“Exactly. Listen, man, he talked to me about you, you made a connection with him at that camp thing. If you could look after him a bit I’d be grateful.”

“Sure, but don’t you want to do that yourself?” It's a flattering suggestion though.

“I get on OK with him but he doesn’t listen to me much. Maybe you’ll have better luck.”

“I can try. He’s a nice kid”

“Yes, there’s no harm in him. How are you doing anyway, Melek, anyone giving you grief on the Tour?”

His concern is genuine and touching, it reminds Melek that the Tour really does feel like his home.

“No, but I wouldn’t notice anyway.” He knows who to trust on the Tour, he ignores the rest.

“Good.”

                                                          ******************************************

Roger has done very well to reach the quarter-finals but Nalbandian is a tough draw and it shows. He’s still capable of pulling off some great shots but strategy is sadly lacking and getting down on himself probably isn’t helping. The crowd seems a little subdued by his antics and the straight sets defeat is hardly a surprise.

Afterwards Melek goes to find him – it takes a while as he’s hiding in one of the back rooms – he’s obviously been crying.

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, Roger – David’s a great player.”

“I wanted to win here, Melek, this is my home. I wanted that trophy.”

“You were asking a lot of yourself at 17. You’ll get there if you put the work in.  ”

Roger sighs and it’s clear he’s heard this sort of stuff too many times before. “Yeah, yeah, _“don’t waste your talent, Roger”,_  I get that all the time.”

“I don’t give a fuck about your talent, there are loads of talented guys out there. No-one cares if you disappear, someone else will win everything, that’s all.”

He’s close to having Roger tell him to fuck off but then there’s that beautiful smile.

“No-one else talks to me like you do, Melek”

“Is that good?”

“I don’t know. Honestly, what would you do if you were me?”

“Work hard, get fit, and think about your strategy. Watch the players who do that well – Nadal’s a good one, he’ll be No 1 soon” Melek had been convinced of that the first time he saw Nadal play, it wasn’t the talent, he just looked like a man who knew what it took to be No 1. No ego, just pure focus on what he had to do.

Roger pulls a face. “I don’t want to play like Nadal, he doesn’t look like he’s having any fun.”

“If you don’t appreciate Nadal’s game then you don’t know enough about tennis yet. Watch him till you understand.”

“I will. Are you at home in the off season? Maybe you can come and practice with me?”

“Will you pay me?”

“I don’t know. I’d have to ask my Dad.”

“I was joking. I’m there in December.”

“Thanks, man.”

                                                              

May 2004:Austria  [Chapter 10]

It’s been fun playing Doubles with Roger this week – a last minute pairing after Sebastian had injured his ankle. Roger has taken on board his advice in Basel – he’s making good progress. Someone from Swiss Tennis had approached Melek about coaching Roger full-time but he’s not interested – he doesn’t want to stop playing and doesn’t think it would work anyway.They've developed a good relationship and  share a lot of laughter but Roger's non-stop noise and energy is exhausting – their friendship works better for having breaks.

He’s surprised though by how much commitment Roger is putting into their Doubles matches – he clearly wants the title.

“Try and stay calm for the Final, man - we’re playing a very experienced pair.”

“I will.”

But he doesn’t. He’s so desperate to do well he can’t focus on the game plan. Their opponents pick that up instantly and start aiming everything at Roger who just can’t handle it– it’s a shame but Melek is more disappointed for Roger than for himself – he’s taking it really hard.

“Sorry, man, I totally let you down there”

“No you didn’t. We had a good run”

“I can’t partner you again, Melek, you would have won with someone better than me”

There’s a sweetness to Roger that Melek is guilty of forgetting sometimes. He puts an arm around him in response. “Don’t beat yourself up about it, Roger, someday I’ll be boasting that I once played Doubles with you”

“Yeah, when I win Wimbledon I’ll mention you in my speech.”

“Don’t tell them too much”

“No” Roger feels like he’s tensing under his arm, Melek moves to release him but then he feels Roger’s finger stroking down the side of his neck. What does he think he’s playing at? It’s annoying – Roger has always been respectful of his sexuality.

“Don’t play games with me, Roger”

“I’m not” Suddenly Melek feels Roger’s lips against his – it’s not the most expert of kisses but it feels genuine. He’s torn between thinking this probably isn’t a good idea and wanting Roger very badly. Desire wins.

“You sure about this?”

“Yes”

“OK”

And it soon becomes clear that this is not a game, nor is it just a spasm of curiosity. It isn’t Roger’s response to a blow job that tells him that– most guys would react to one, gay or not. It’s the way he’s responding to Melek’s own body, his eagerness to give as well as receive – he lets out a gasp and an involuntary shudder on seeing Melek touch himself then he takes his hand away and replaces it with his own. No, this is someone discovering what it is their body craves, Melek remembers how that felt, even despite knowing that it would make his life harder and more painful there had still been a joy in that realisation.

“How do you survive on the Tour, Melek?”

“You have to ignore a lot of stuff, but there are decent guys out there. I can help you with that. And your family will be fine with it.” He’s aware that he’s understating the difficulties but there’s no point worrying him at this stage

“Yes. I’m sure I’ll manage – and you’ll have my back”

Well, he’s stuck with it now. “Why do I feel like I’m going to spend the rest of my life clearing up your messes?”

“I told you – I’ll mention you in my winner’s speech”

“I’m sure that’ll make up for everything”.

Roger smiles and then curls up even closer against him – he looks utterly relaxed and happy. Melek suddenly feels an insane determination to make sure he stays that way. It must not be like it was for him, he doesn’t know if it’s even possible to be gay without difficulties but if there’s anything he can do to protect Roger from those then he will do it.

                                                        

June 2004: Basel [Chapter 7]

It had been very difficult to get a clear idea of what had happened on the phone but it didn’t sound good. Melek lives close enough to Basel to make it seem easier to just drive there and get the full story. At least it’ll give him a chance to apologise properly – he’d been pretty harsh the last time they saw each other. Why had he been so reluctant to give Roger what he’d asked for? Partly he’d worried about hurting him – there hadn’t been much time and it isn’t something you rush, especially not when it’s new, but it hadn’t been just that. His own first time wasn’t painful, in fact it had felt good, but somehow it had seemed routine, he can barely remember what Karl looked like now. He’d wanted more than that for Roger somehow but that had seemed so embarrassingly romantic and naive he’d got annoyed with himself. It had made him sharper than he’d intended.

It doesn't take him long to realise that this is far worse than he had feared. He doesn’t like questioning Roger but he needs to get the full story.

“He didn’t use any lube? Or his fingers?”

“No, he said… because we were really turned on…we woudn’t need all that” He looks up at Melek, clearly in a lot of pain. “I think he was wrong about that wasn’t he?”

“Yes.” He has a clear picture now of what happened.

“I know you’re angry. I don’t blame you, I was a fucking idiot”

“It’s not you I’m angry with.” No, he’s not sure if he’s more angry with himself or with the fucking bastard who did this, but he needs to keep a cool head. The first priority is obvious. “Roger, we have to get you to your doctor. I know it’s embarrassing but you need to get over that”

“I can’t Melek, what would I tell him?”

“The truth. These guys have seen everything”

“I really can’t do that, I just can’t”

Fuck, what is he supposed to do here? “I don’t know what to suggest then Roger” He has a sudden memory that Daniel, a friend and occasional lover in the past, used to help in a clinic for gay men in Basel. Maybe he could help. “Look, there’s a Swiss guy I know that might be able to suggest something. I’m going to call him but I’ll go outside. Try and calm down.” He’ll need to tell Daniel what has happened and he doesn’t want Roger to hear that.

Daniel listens to the story without interrupting.

“Do you think he’s been assaulted, Melek? Is that what you’re telling me?”

“He certainly consented, I just don’t think he understood what he was consenting to. Someone took advantage of that.”

“There’s some nasty people in the world.”

“Daniel, I know you used to work at that clinic – is there anyone there who can help?”

“You think he’d go there?”

“I can try and persuade him, it would be easier for him than his own doctor. Can you get him in?”

“It won’t be easy, they’re always very busy, but I’ll try. They’re all good people – no-one will shame him.”

“I’m so grateful Daniel, thank you”

“What’s the story here, Melek? You in love with this guy?”

“No. But he’s someone I care about.”

“You’re a good friend to him”

If only.  
                                                         **************************************

After Roger is asleep Malek abandons any plans for driving home. He wants to make sure that Roger is OK in the morning and he doesn’t feel fit to drive anyway, he’s as depressed as he can ever remember. He has so completely failed in the task he had set himself, failed to even keep Roger safe, let alone happy. No-one learns about gay sex in school do they, why hadn't he made sure Roger knew the basics, understood how male bodies worked? He'd sent him out unprotected and he'd fallen victim to the first bastard who came along. What does he do now? How does he turn this around?

                                                        *************************************

In the morning things seem slightly easier. Roger has woken up looking better than Melek had expected, probably some consequences will take time to show themselves but for the moment it seems they can look forward.

“Melek, why are you still here?”

“I was too tired to drive last night so I found your spare bedroom. How are you feeling?”

“Better. Thanks to you.”

“Glad I could help”

They share some breakfast, clearly it takes a lot to kill off Roger’s appetite completely. Melek is impressed with his resilience.

“Thank you for not calling me an idiot”

“You’re an idiot. But we’ve all done stupid stuff.”

“Maybe my body’s made wrong, I won’t try it again”

It seems Roger is going to take the whole thing as very bad sex but no worse than that, would it help for him to see himself as a victim? Probably not. Maybe Melek is colluding in a lie but it feels like the kindest thing to do right now. “There’s plenty of guys who don’t like getting fucked Roger, it doesn’t matter if you’re one of them. But don’t decide things about your body now. Give it time” Equally for himself.

 

December 2004: Offenburg  [Chapter 9]

He’s not entirely sure what to do - his hand is still hurting from the way Roger had grabbed at it. He hopes it’s not an actual injury – he can’t afford to be off the tour come January.

Roger is full of apologies. “Man, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what came over me.”

“Don’t worry.” He flexes his hand – the pain is going down now and he can move it fine – he’s pretty sure there’s no actual damage. He’s more worried about Roger now but he knows there’s no point trying to discuss it.

“You’ll try again though won’t you, man?”

He’s really not understanding what he’s asking of Melek here. “I’m not going to fuck you while you’re terrified Roger, what sort of person do you think I am?”

“I want to learn how to do it Melek. I won’t be frightened by my own body.” He sounds quietly determined rather than petulant and again Melek is reminded of his resilience. He suspects that many will underestimate this in the coming years.

“I understand.” What’s the way forward here? “We can try again tomorrow night. But it’ll take as long as it does.”

“Thank you” He puts his head on Melek’s shoulder. “I couldn’t do this with anyone else.”

“Lucky me.”  
 

                                                           ******************************************

The next night things are easier, Roger ends up kneeling against Melek, arms wrapped tight around him while Melek uses his fingers – that seems to stop the panicked reaction. Melek can tell it’s even starting to make him feel good.

“If you can enjoy that, we’ll get there in the end. But it doesn’t matter if you ever want to stop, like I said, there are lots of guys who don’t like getting fucked.”

“I know. But I want to have the choice.”

“Fair enough”

 

August 2006: Cincinatti [Chapter 6]

“You fucking idiot”

“I know. It is crazy.”

“You think? I mean, your tennis is going great, you’re a Grand Slam champion, you could be finding yourself a nice safe boyfriend – some fucking boring bastard - instead you have to get involved with the one guy you shouldn’t be involved with.” Just when everything seemed to be going so well.

“Yes.Like I said, crazy”

“I don’t think that half covers it.”

Melek has been able to see the funny side but really, this is not good news at all. The last year or so has been good, Roger is not unscarred by what happened in Stuttgart but it’s also made him stronger, more confident, he seems happy now in his body and his life. And their own friendship has relaxed accordingly; the bond is always there but mainly they just laugh and have fun when they see each other. Convenient and easy sex is definitely a bonus too. But this….. even though he knows Rafa to be a decent guy – knows he has a good reputation on the Tour… how can this relationship possibly work? He wishes he could believe that it would all fizzle out but he doubts it, maybe Roger doesn’t know it himself yet but he’s clearly about to fall fathoms deep in love. And who knows how that will affect him?

Well, Melek had sworn to keep Roger happy and safe and even though he had failed in that he had at least succeeded in mitigating the damage. Perhaps he will be called upon to do the same again. What other choice is there?  
     

                                 

July 2007; The Party  [Chapter 11]

It has been an amazing party - surrounded by his friends, fabulous music, and when it comes to ending the night in style he has the luxury of choice. Paul or Lucas... or maybe both....

He doesn't particularly want to be interrupted and it's almost impossible to hear above the noise but somehow he grasps that Roger is in need of him. Oh well.

It's not difficult to see that Roger has had one of his occasional "freak-outs" which he refuses to discuss but are clearly painfully intense flashbacks. Melek goes through the usual, murmuring quietly in German although he suspects that Turkish would work just as well, Roger's body has learnt to recognize Melek as safety and, as always, starts to relax.

"What happened?"

It doesn't take long to get the basics. He glances over at Rafa who looks extremely shaken, Melek can see how the whole thing would be disturbing to a straight guy even without Roger's panic. Not the smartest decision they could have made. Probably best to get Rafa away and give him a chance to calm down

“Are you all right?”

“Melek, what the hell happened..?”

“He couldn’t stand watching you being hurt, we’re lucky he didn’t attack the guy. That would have made a good story for the press” They could hardly have expected Felip to keep that quiet, the party had been risky enough as it was.

“God, I’m so sorry”

“Wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have known” How much has Roger told him about Stuttgart. Anything? As little as possible, probably.

“I should have. I’m so stupid”

“That’s no fucking use, man” Whatever Melek's doubts about the relationship it's what Roger wants.  “He loves you, you have to be stronger than this.”

“What should I do?” He looks a bit calmer now.

“Go back, he’ll be fine by now. These upsets never last long”

“Melek, thank you, I’m very grateful. And sorry we messed up your party”.  Melek is unexpectedly touched, it can't be easy seeing your lover need someone else in his bad moments, Rafa has a generosity about him. He certainly shouldn't be feeling guilty

“Don’t worry, I wouldn’t know my life if Roger wasn’t causing me trouble. But no more tonight, please.”

He should find Roger more or less back to normal by now, he'd been pretty well recovered before they'd left the room. Hopefully they'll work things out. Perhaps Roger should see a counsellor or something, although that thought is curiously unwelcome. He pushes the feeling aside. Back to the evening - hopefully Paul or Lucas (or both) will still be in the mood for fun.....

 

February 2010: Berlin

“Can I buy you a drink?”

The man is attractive, Melek will certainly allow him to do that.

“Coke, please”

Nothing looks any different at Gayhane but Melek is intending to enjoy the evening. Life with Roger on Tour is not exactly difficult but it has its own stresses. Roger certainly isn’t moping around, he’s busy all the time either with tennis or sponsorships, he’s playing better than ever, they can even laugh together as they always have. Yet there is no doubt some vital spark has died in him. Melek feels at once vitally necessary to Roger and completely useless, he has no idea what he could or should say to make things better. He needs a break. He has come here to dance, enjoy the music and hopefully get well fucked.

The man returns with the drink.

“Thanks. What’s your name?”

“Hakan. You?”

“Melek” He notices the man seems a little nervous “You OK?”

“I’m still getting used to this place. It’s…different.” His Turkish has an unfamiliar accent.

“You’re not German?”

“English. I speak some German but I’m not fluent yet. I thought it might be easier to meet people here”

“Well, I’m glad you came.” Melek smiles encouragingly, the man really is attractive. “Do you want to dance?”

“Please”

Dancing feels as good as he’d expected and by the time they’ve finished it’s clear they’re of the same mind.

“You want to find a room?”

There’s a slight hesitancy. “Would you mind coming back to my flat? I think having sex in clubs is a bit…soulless”

“No problem”

                                                                       ****************************************

The flat is small but comfortable once Melek has a chance to look at it. The sex has been good beyond his expectations.

“You seemed like you needed that.”

“I really did. What’s your story Hakan?”

“I’m 27, single, I work for an engineering company here in Berlin. They all speak English there but socialising is a bit difficult. Like I said, I thought it would be easier in a Turkish club”

“And was it?”

“It was tonight. But before….not really.”

“Tell me about that” Melek does actually feel interested – it’s nice to have a distraction from tennis and worrying about Roger.

“We came to England when my Dad got a job at one of the universities – my parents think of themselves as quite liberal and middle class I suppose. They’re not totally happy with me being gay but they’ve accepted it. The Turkish men I meet here– I don’t really feel I fit in with them somehow. So at the moment I don’t fit anywhere”

“Join the club”

“I thought you seemed…different”

“I hear that a lot” He gives Hakan a short rundown on his life.

“You work on the tennis circuit? Know anyone famous?”

“Not really”

“Did you enjoy playing? It seems like a strange life.”

Has anyone ever asked him this before? It’s worth thinking about.

“Yes, I did. The Tour became my home, my family I suppose. You do get racists and morons but there are people who respect me for who I am, for what I can do. I’ve achieved things, I’ve travelled the world, tennis has given me a good life”

“That’s interesting. Melek, I don’t want to sound pushy but could I see you again?”

Yes please.

“I’d like to but it will have to be soon. I’ll be off to America in a couple of weeks”

“Then we’d better make the most of it.”

                                                       

April 2010:Berlin

There are compensations to an interrupted relationship as Melek has just found out. It’s one of those times where you can go to sleep feeling completely blissed out…..

“Melek, can I talk to you about something?”

Oh shit.

“Of course”

“I was watching Federer win Miami on the telly – and I saw you there sat next to his coach.”

“Oh”

“I’m not angry – I know you couldn’t say anything to someone you’d just met in a club but now…perhaps you could have been honest about it”

“You’re quite right and I’m sorry.” Clearly sleep will have to be postponed for a while. “I hope you understand why it’s not easy.”

“Is he your boyfriend?”

“No” Sometimes you have to have faith in people. “We have been lovers at times though. I’m putting a lot of trust in you here”

“Thank you. And it’s not a complete surprise, I met a guy in London who claimed to have slept with him.”

“Once he comes out I imagine half the gay men in Europe will claim to have done that”

“Probably. Does he treat you well, Melek?”

Again a question no-one else ever asks.

“Yes”. It’s true. “He can be thoughtless and tennis players have to be a bit selfish but I’ve always felt valued by him. He’s never taken me for granted”

“That’s good. And there is one important question I have to ask you.”

“Yes?”

“Can you score me some tickets for Wimbledon?”

“I expect I could. And Hakan, would you come and have dinner with us while you’re there?”

“You don’t have to do that, I’m not starstruck”

“I didn’t mean it like that. Roger’s the closest thing I have to family – that’s why I’d like you to meet him.”

“In that case I’d be honoured. And maybe you could come and meet my family – although they’re not half so interesting.”

“I’d like that.”

 

Wimbledon 2010

“He’s a great guy Melek. This is serious for you isn’t it?”

“I hope so.”

“How was it with his family?

“Fine” Hakan’s parents had seemed so pleased he was dating someone Turkish they’d almost forgotten the inconvenient fact of him being male. The Center Court tickets he’d presented them with hadn’t done any harm either.

“How much have you told him about us? About why we’re close?”

“Not much.”

“Tell him everything. And I mean _everything_.”

“Are you sure, Roger?”

“I am. You shouldn’t have secrets from him. That’s what I’m learning with Rafa right now”

“OK”

                                                               *************************************

Afterwards Hakan doesn’t say much. He seems to be fighting back tears.

“It’s not a sad story Hakan, he got through it.”

“It’s not that. It’s just – Melek, after all you’ve lost, you could be bitter but you care so much about other people – I’m….” He seems lost for words.

“Everyone needs people to care about, I suppose I would have been bitter if I hadn't had that. Someone once said Roger was lucky to have me but I was lucky to have him too.”

“And us? Are we lucky?”

“Can I show you how I feel about that?”

“Please.”

 

November 2010: Berlin

“Is everything starting to calm down now Melek?”

“A little bit”

The amount of interest in the coming out had been greater even than they’d expected. They’d tried to prepare for everything but it had still been hard.

“I kept seeing Uncle Toni on the telly.”

“It was hard to avoid him” Toni had taken on a huge burden of interviews, giving long philosophical diatribes about love and rivalry and the intersections between them. In fact he’s loved being the center of attention but never mind – it had been incredibly helpful to Rafa.

“Can they make it work?”

“I hope so”

"You're not still wondering whether you did the right thing, are you?"

How can he be sure? "They're happy but... I still think it will be hard. I suppose I won't know for years"

"Melek, how old are these guys?"

A quick calculation. "29 and 24" 

"Such babies. How would they manage without you?"

"Stop it. But you are right."

"Will it make a difference to your job, the coming out?”

“I don’t really know.”

“Because… I need to talk to you.”

The words every man dreads. “Go on”

“My firm are moving me back to London next year. Would you think about coming with me?”

It’s unexpected but why not? There isn’t really anything tying him to Germany.

“I’d be fine with that Hakan.”

“That’s good.” Hakan is still looking tense though.

“Anything wrong?”

“Melek, eventually I want to wake up with my husband every day in the same place. And hopefully with our children. I love you – I would like to spend my life with you – but I don’t want to spend years hoping for something I’ll never have. If you know that future won’t ever happen – I want you to tell me now.”

What a question. But he does actually know the answer

“The Tour has been my home for a long time and I have commitments. But I would love to wake up every day with you”

“I wouldn’t ask you to give up everything tomorrow. I just want to know that would be in our future.”

“It will”

                                                                     

December 2010: Basel

“Why are you even hesitating, Melek? You love Hakan – he wants the same life you want – what’s the problem?”

“It’s not that simple is it? I’d have to find a job for one thing.”

“Yeah, that’ll be really hard. Having Roger Federer’s name on your CV – you’ll never get a tennis job with that. You’ll probably end up sweeping the streets.”

“OK, OK, I take your point.”

“So what’s the issue?”

How can he explain? That this life has felt safe at least, that he knows his value here, that Hakan is offering him everything he thinks he wants and it feels…. scary.

“What if something goes wrong? I’ve lost one family – what if I lose another?” How could he survive that?

“You can’t throw this away because you’re afraid, Melek, you’re just going to have to take the risk.”

“Yes.” Roger is right, he will just have to live with fear. But there is another issue.

“What if you need me?”

“You’re moving to England, not outer space. And anyway, so what? You can’t waste your life because I might need you. What kind of selfish bastard do you think I am?”

“But you and Rafa – I’m glad you’re back together, I know you’re happy…but things still won’t be easy for you.”

“No. But we’ll try and solve the problems as we get to them. Nothing’s easy.”

“I just feel I should be here.”

“Melek, you’ve been an amazing friend, you know I love you, but you're being an absolute twat. Have you noticed I’m twenty four now, you act like I’m still sixteen half the time.”

“I know, I know but…” Why does he feel compelled to say this now “I promised myself, after we slept together that first time, that I’d make sure you were always happy. And I failed”

“Well, that was a fucking stupid thing to do, of course you failed. No-one’s happy all the time. Anyway, if I’m unhappy I can always talk to Oliver” He pulls a face.

By some miracle Rafa has actually managed to persuade Roger to see a counsellor.

“How’s that going?”

“It’s OK, it feels a bit pointless though. He’ll never help me like you did. Melek …. that guy in Stuttgart… he knew what he was doing, didn’t he? It wasn’t a mistake, he wanted to see me in pain; serious pain. He got off on it.”

Roger’s willing to talk about this? Time for the truth then.

“I think so, yes. Roger, I know maybe I wasn’t honest with you but… it seemed like it was more than you could face at the time. And you’ve never wanted to talk about it since.”

“I know. And you were right – it’s easier to face up to the truth now. I doubt I could have done it then”

“I hope that means you’ll still trust me”

He feels Roger’s arms coming around him then the kiss.

“I'll never not trust you Melek. Now can we discuss the best time for you to abandon me and fuck off with your boyfriend?”

“OK”  
                                                               

                                                                        THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the soppiest thing I've ever written but I thought Melek deserved a happy ending.


	18. The Wedding from Hell (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This started out as a bit of a joke - I said I was going to create the Wedding from Hell and one or two people liked the idea. It's turned into a little bit more than that and is kind of an update on the story.

November 2012: Palma

The interview has been moving along quite nicely but now comes the moment- Rafa has learnt to recognise the gleam in the eye:

“Of course everybody is fascinated by your relationship with Roger Federer – do you find it difficult to balance that with your rivalry on the court?”

“It’s a challenge but we’ve learnt to separate the two.” He smiles – as ever briefly tempted by the notion of giving the answer in his head _“Why the fuck don’t you read the ten thousand times I’ve said the same thing?”_

“And is it hard to manage the separations involved – you don’t play exactly the same tournaments do you?”

“No, like any other couple we discuss things and work them out.” Dear Gods, do people really want to hear this crap? He’s half asleep even having to say it.

The interviewer now has a frustrated look in her eye – probably she too would like to be asking the genuine questions in her head. Rafa can imagine those - _“What’s he like in bed? Do you prefer top or bottom?”_ Luckily she thinks better of it and returns the interview to tennis.

“Results have been a little disappointing for you in the second half of the year. Are you looking forward to the World Tour Finals?”

“Yes, I’ve been working hard and everything looks good”. The first part is true and he’s certainly not going to have his rivals hearing the full truth.

They’ve moved into the closing phase now and Rafa is soon released. It had been notable only for its utter predictability. Strange that Rafa had once feared that Roger would wipeout his legacy – it’s come true in a sense but not in any way he could have imagined. Both he and Roger have come to accept that their tennis is no longer what people are most interested in and may not even be what they are remembered for. And with that thought he sends off a quick text:  
**Took five minutes this time**

A quick reply

**A new record.**

They’ve both wondered how long it will be before an interviewer doesn’t even bother to ask about tennis. But Roger hasn’t finished.

**You know how long you’ll be?**

**About another hour**

**Can’t wait**

**Me too.**

He smiles, they haven’t seen each other for a couple of weeks as he had skipped Basel and then Roger had missed Paris – and the tingle of anticipation is very much there. He doesn’t particularly want to see the interviewer again.

“That was such a good interview, Rafa. Thank you so much.” She’s standing a little too close.

“Thank you”. If fifteen minutes of meaningless clichés is what people like then perhaps it is good.

“Would you like to have a quick coffee before you go?” The smile is a little too bright.

Why do people always think that because he’s straight he must be desperate for a change? In fact, he does have Roger’s permission if he feels seriously tempted. But on the rare occasions that he is that in itself always seems like a good reason not to take the risk. And certainly not today.

“Sorry, I’m due somewhere else.”

“OK” Her disappointment is clear. “Thanks again”

                                                               ****************************************  
                                                               ****************************************  
The proposed outfit for Wimbledon is one of the worst things he’s ever seen. If Nike think he’s going to accept this…..

“Simon, I’d sooner retire right now than wear anything like that.”

“We’ve put a lot of work into this Roger, we think it’s a really good image for you”

“I’m gay, Simon, I can’t be seen wearing shit like that. I have the reputation of gay men everywhere to maintain. You have plenty of time to come up with something else”

Coming out has had its benefits.

“About that, Roger, Hello magazine wondered if they could photograph you and Rafa at home”

Roger doesn’t even bother to reply to that one.

“They’ve made an offer you wouldn’t believe”

“We don’t need money that badly. Are we done?”

“I suppose so. Not sure if it was worth me flying out here”

“Go to the beach, you’ll feel better” There’s a buzz from his phone and he smiles as he sees the sender. Rafa seems to have enjoyed the interview as much as usual. But being home in an hour is very good news……..

                                                                  *************************************  
                                                                  *************************************

Somehow there never seems any reason to wait when they see each other after a period of absence – why bother with small talk or even food when you both know what you really want? After their years together perhaps sex should be boring by now but it never seems to happen. They do sometimes experiment a little just to prove they haven’t entirely lapsed into coupledom – including another man is a regular treat - but it’s hardly necessary. If Rafa had actually wanted to answer the interviewer’s unspoken question he might have said that Roger knows every inch of his body and what it likes and that would have been perfectly true but not the whole truth. Because what really turns Rafa on is Roger himself, his body, his enthusiasm, his total enjoyment, his complete absorption in the moment. It’s as heady now as it was when they first came together.

“How was the interview?”

Rafa is forced to emerge from his blissed out state.

“The usual”.

“Oh God.”

“Imagine if I’d told her about the wedding.”

“It’s going to be big news Rafa”. Roger suddenly sounds a little tense and Rafa is instantly on the alert. They are much more honest and open with each other than they used to be but Roger is not always inclined to share his feelings, his instinct is still to protect Rafa from them.

“Are you worried about that?”

“Yes.” Then he smiles. “But it’ll be worth it. All our friends, our families, together, it’s going to be great. I want a big noisy party, like Melek and Hakan had.”

“Roger, I’m still half deaf from Melek and Hakan’s wedding – please tell me we're not going to go that far.”

“Well, maybe not quite…..”

“Roger…”

“We can discuss it later.” It’s clear he isn’t going to give up on the idea. “I set a date with them for while we’re in London by the way. So Hakan can lecture us about the environment again”

“I’ll look forward to it.” Rafa gets on well with Hakan, who is serious, focused, political – just as well because even now his immense gratitude to Melek is almost matched by his inability to feel at ease in his company. It really is time he put things behind him - starting now. “Do you miss him – Melek I mean? Would you like to have more time?”

Roger doesn’t respond immediately, Rafa knows full well this means he won’t get an entirely truthful answer. “I suppose so – wouldn’t you like more time with your friends? It’s just part of the life we lead.”

“Yeah, but it’s not quite the same is it?”

“Because we had sex?” Roger looks amused suddenly. “Sex was mainly convenience with Melek, Rafa, it was never like it is with you.” He lets his fingers do some wandering to prove the point.

“Stop distracting me when I’m trying to be the loving, concerned boyfriend.”

“But distracting you feels so nice”

“I know what you’re doing. Answer me properly.”

“OK” He turns away – a gesture that Rafa has learnt to welcome – it’s a sign he may now get a truthful answer. “Occasionally I miss just…being with him….just… feeling that the world’s a safe place. But that’s all.” He turns back “Now am I allowed to distract you?”

“Please.” Perhaps it would have been better to not ask the questions at all.

                                                      

                                                      ************************************************  
                                                      *************************************************

It had been such a lovely reunion until then – sex, relaxing in each other’s arms, quietly chatting……

“Do you miss him – Melek I mean? Would you like to have more time?”

Oh Lord, time for this conversation again, well, it has been a while, it’s annoying but Roger now regards it almost with affection. He has long ago accepted that he will never succeed in putting Rafa’s mind at ease on the subject. Keep it as bland as possible.

“I suppose so – wouldn’t you like more time with your friends? It’s just part of the life we lead.” A nice, straightforward, honest answer, no chance Rafa will be satisfied with that

“Yeah, but it’s not quite the same is it?” As predicted. Perhaps he can be diverted…..

“I know what you’re doing. Answer me properly.”

“OK” The truth is most of the time he doesn’t miss Melek more than any other of his friends and family. But there are those odd times when his body somehow feels jagged and raw and hurt and then what he would really like is just to be close to Melek until everything feels healed and peace returns, like he used to be able to do. And it’s a truth he doesn’t want to share, not, in fact, because he’s worried it would be too painful for Rafa, but because it’s private and you should have a space in your head that’s just yours, where even your lover doesn’t go. But he can still share something. “Occasionally I miss just…being with him….just… feeling that the world’s a safe place. But that’s all.” He turns back “Now am I allowed to distract you?”

“Please”

Thank God for that. Until the next time

                                                          

                                                                    **************************************

                                                                    ************************************

February 2013: London

There’s a state of tiredness where you actually start to feel comfortable with it, where you just become a sort of zombie and move through the day in a semi-conscious state. That’s pretty much where Melek is right now as he thinks of the day ahead – Hakan stroking his back is nice but he can’t really afford to drop back to sleep.

“How many times last night?”

“Three, I think. Progress.”

“Did you try just letting him settle by himself?”

“Yes.” He hadn’t really but he doesn’t have the energy for an argument. “Didn’t work”

“Why don’t I believe that?” But Hakan’s voice is affectionate.

“I just can’t do it, Hakan, he’s not waking up to piss us off, he just wants to know we’re there. And you can’t blame him. He’ll feel safe with us eventually.” Yusuf’s story before coming to them was one of abandonment and neglect from those who should have protected him, how could he feel safe in the night? And his behaviour is changing – at first he had woken only to scream and cry – now when Melek goes to him he actually settles down again as if all he needed was that reassurance. And nothing had prepared Melek for how he would actually feel about Yusuf – perhaps you aren’t supposed to love the child who comes to you as a screaming, neglected three year old like you would the child who comes to you as a screaming baby (Lucy, their kind but ever-so-earnest social worker had warned them not to expect instant love) - but that’s the truth.

“Is it Snakes and Ladders day?”

“Thanks, I was trying to forget.” Yusuf loves the soft play centre but really, it’s a bit of a nightmare. Not only do the mothers look utterly terrified as Yusuf rampages like a mini version of Thor’s Hammer, they are also clearly unsettled by his own male presence. Perhaps he needs a large sticker with “Gay Dad” on it.

“Do you think we should leave him with my parents for the wedding? I’m not sure Roger and Rafa are at all prepared.”

“Your parents couldn’t cope for that long”

“What if I stayed behind too? I just don’t want Yusuf smashing up their home, it’s full of expensive stuff.”

No way. Melek temporarily emerges from his zombie state. “I am not going to Roger’s wedding without my husband and son. Forget it. They can buy another house, they could buy a hundred without even noticing.”

“OK. But I do think we could use a break.”

“We can’t leave Yusuf with other people, Hakan, he’ll feel like he’s being abandoned again”.

“Melek, you know what I said at our wedding about you caring so much and how I loved you for it?”

“Yes?”

“I also fell in love with you because you were sexy as fuck.”

Time to emerge permanently from zombiehood. “Now we know we’re real parents"

“I don’t have to be at work for an hour”

“I might fall asleep in the middle.”

“You haven’t heard what I want yet.” He gives him a few details.

No, sleep isn’t going to be an issue.

                                                                  ***************************************

                                                                  ***************************************  
April 2013: Monte Carlo

Going out early from tournaments has become an unpleasantly familiar habit but it’s so much worse on clay – it feels like an old friend has suddenly become, not an enemy, but indifferent.

“It will give you more time to prepare for Madrid.”

When he was winning Toni was always the one to tell him uncomfortable truths. Strange how he can’t face them now.

“I don’t think that’s going to make any difference. My body feels…..” his voice trails off because he can’t really explain – he’s always played with pain but there was some inner energy that propelled him through it – now that feels as if it’s draining away.

“Talk to Angel. Maybe there are still treatments out there”

It’s a sensible idea but Rafa has his doubts.

                                                                   ************************************  
The discussion has been long but there isn’t much doubt as to the conclusion.

“We can certainly keep you fit enough to play for a good while, Rafa, probably in the Top 20 or even 10. But more than that…I don’t think it’s possible.”

“Thank you for being honest with me, Angel.”

“What will you do now?”

Good question.  
 

                                                                             **************************************  
He tells Roger everything that Angel had told him. They had decided to share everything about their tennis lives shortly after their reunion – after all, if they’re both honest then neither of them has any advantage. Not that Rafa has really been much threat to Roger for a while now.

“If Angel thinks you could be near the Top 10 you could still win things, Rafa. You’d probably need a lucky draw but….”

“I know. Maybe it’s time to start my future life though.” But he isn’t ready, his head feels heavy as if there are tears stored up that just refuse to fall. He feels Roger’s hand go into his but he doesn’t say anything for a while.

“Maybe we should both retire and go and live on a beach somewhere, let Novak take everything”

Ugh. “Don’t even joke about that, he’s unbearable already.”

“I’ll fend him off just for you. But you shouldn’t decide this in a hurry.”

“I won’t”. He feels the tears getting closer but he doesn’t want to break down right now, save that for when he’s decided. “Come on, let’s eat.”

                                                                                      ************************************

 

April 2013 Palma

“They’re probably going to faint when we walk in, Rafa.”

“They’ll be too busy rushing to sell the story”

“Guess so” Roger frowns as he’s driving. “Maybe we should have announced it first” The complicated bureaucracy required for marriage when one partner is a foreign citizen had taken them by surprise – there was no avoiding a trip to the local Registry Office.

“We discussed all that Roger – don’t go over it again” He’s aware he’s sounding more irritable than he should.

“Sorry, I know. It’s just so much hassle”

“That’s OK.” It isn’t the main issue which is the fact of him being here at all – he should be in Barcelona lifting the trophy not “resting” in a probably vain hope of a good performance in Madrid. “Turn left, it’s half way down”

The clerk on duty maintains an impressively professional calmness as she handles the paperwork – telling them all the different time limits at the end of which they will be free to marry. If she is about to rush to the papers she gives no sign of it. It’s all over quicker than they expected.  
 

“That wasn’t too bad”

“No” Roger pauses in the doorway as they are about to emerge from the building. “Can you believe we’ve actually made it this far?”

“Of course I can, why wouldn’t we?”

“I suppose… there was a lot against us”

“Yes, but it’s like I said – all I wanted was a life with you in it. And I’ve got that“ Suddenly his absence from Barcelona doesn’t seem quite so painful.

Roger looks around for cameras before leaning in for a quick kiss. “Always”

                                                           **************************************  
                                                             *************************************

June 2013: London

“He’s coming on so well, Melek, I’m very pleased”

“Thank you” It’s good to hear that from Lucy but he isn’t entirely convinced. “He still doesn’t do what I ask him most of the time.”

“That’s because he’s three years old. And you don’t notice things so much when you see him every day. But I can tell you his social and emotional development is really striking.”

Lucy has always had an odd habit of mixing normal speech with irritating jargon. But she had brought Yusuf to them so anything can be forgiven.

“We have to take him to a wedding soon, I keep hoping for a miracle”

Lucy’s face loses a fraction of its normal composure. “Can I ask if that’s the Federer wedding?”

“It is” Melek still treasures the memory of Lucy’s face as he’d given her the names of his referees, he’d had to quickly produce some photos of himself and Roger to prove that it was genuine. He risks teasing her a little “You thought that reference was a wind-up at first, didn’t you?”

“I’ll admit it crossed my mind” She allows herself a smile.

“Well, it must have been good enough”

“I can’t tell you what it said of course. But I can tell you it was very….moving.” She seems a little worried that even this has gone too far and gets up to go. “Well, I’m very happy with how things are going – I’ll arrange another visit in two months.”

“Sure”. It’s been a good morale booster because, truthfully it’s not always easy to stay positive. It isn’t just the hard work, the lack of sleep, the feeling helpless in face of a tantrum. It’s not having enough time for Hakan, the lack of adult company, the constant worry. And the lack of serious exercise is nearly driving him insane. After years of maintaining a high level of fitness it’s been too big a change. Even after he’d stopped playing he’d still been practising, first with Roger and then with clients he’d been giving lessons to (unsurprisingly, having Roger’s name as a reference had enabled him to charge an eye-watering price), but now his body feels flabby and awkward and ugly. Sexy as fuck? What a joke.

“Daddy, want drink.” Yusuf looks at him expectantly. Six months ago he couldn’t speak, would have had a tantrum because he couldn’t explain that he was thirsty, had no trust that there were adults in the world who would give him what he needed. Lucy was right, you don’t see these things when you’re in the middle of the storm.

“Milk or juice?”

“Juice”

                                                                      ************************************  
May 2013: Madrid

Strange how going out at the same stage of the tournament has given them such different emotions. Roger is still furious with himself for a careless performance, but it seems that Rafa is satisfied – he’s looking much happier, his game had been much improved and getting to the semis was probably better than he had expected. There’s one certain way for Roger to feel better too….

“There’s some things we need to discuss about the wedding.”

Oh fuck, not now.

“Can’t it wait?”

“No” Rafa bats his hand away. “Have you written your vows?”

“Yes”

“And…..”

“Rafa, I love you, we’re going to have a very happy life, now let’s party”

“Be serious.”

“I don’t know Rafa, I’ll find something in a book, you know how I feel about you – it doesn’t matter what I say.”

“Good to know.”

Oh crap, he’s really fucking everything up.

“I’m sorry, I’m still pissed off about today, I will do it, honestly”

“And have you changed your mind about having a best man?”

“I thought you said Spanish weddings didn’t have them.”

“They don’t but you could.”

“No, I’m not bothered”

“You could ask Melek, wouldn’t you like that?”

Fuck, he is NOT going to have that conversation yet again, he really isn’t in the mood, why can’t Rafa leave it alone…..

“No”

“Why wouldn’t you?”

“For fuck’s sake Rafa, I’ve said no and if you start on at me about Melek again I’m going to go off my head. What is your fucking issue with him?”

“I’m sorry.” It’s so quietly said and Roger would really prefer it if Rafa had hit him over the head instead.

“No, no it’s my fault.” He drops his head onto his knees, then he feels Rafa stroking his back. It’s soothing but doesn’t do much to decrease the guilt. They let the silence continue for a while.

“Talk to me”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.” He leans back against the headboard. “You have to stop poking around in my head Rafa, some things are meant to be private. What if I kept asking you how you used to fuck your girlfriend and stuff like that, would you want to tell me those things? I wouldn’t keep anything important from you but I don’t have to tell you everything.”

“I know. I think…. after Cincinatti I just wanted to understand….”

“What are you talking about? What happened in Cincinatti?”

“You had a freak-out remember?”

“I did?”  
 

_August 2010: Cincinatti_

The freak-out is as sudden as it is unexpected – Rafa has no idea what has caused it – he’d pulled down Roger’s shorts and was stroking his ass when Roger flung himself off the bed to crouch against the wall, burying his head in his knees. Rafa’s first instinct is to panic but he remembers Roger’s words “Try anything and see what works” He moves towards him, trying to stay calm, for some reason he’s murmuring in Catalan. Roger shows no awareness of his approach but when Rafa leans forward and touches his arm he flinches away. Shit. He sits down and waits.

It’s probably not as long as it seems before Roger lifts his head and leans back against the wall.

“Anything I can do?”

“I’d like a drink.”

“Coke?”

“Please”

After he’s finished the bottle he gets up off the floor.

“I’m going to have a shower”

“OK”

“When he’s finished he looks calmer but exhausted.

“You mind if I just go to sleep?”

“Of course not.”

He curls up on the bed, Rafa puts a tentative hand on his shoulder.

“Rafa, I don’t want to hurt you but I just need you not to touch me for a while.”

“Of course. Should I stay here though?”

“Please”

Rafa isn’t entirely sure when Roger actually falls asleep but he isn’t going to move until he’s certain. Well, nothing he did helped there, did it? He’ll just have to try something different next time until he finds out what Roger needs – and hope it is what and not who….  
 

                                                       *****************************************************  
“I hardly even remember it.”

“It was a while ago. I just felt so helpless – and I knew what…who…you needed but I couldn’t do anything….”

“That’s what’s bothering you? Rafa, how long is it since you saw me freak out?”

“I don’t know… a while.”

“Since I saw Oliver. That thing you nagged me to do”

“You hated seeing Oliver, you moaned about him all the time.”

“I know. That doesn’t mean it didn’t help.”

“Oh”.

“Rafa, you keep asking for the truth so I’ll give it to you. If I have a freak out I’ll always want Melek and not you, my body feels safe with him. But I’d prefer not to have one at all – and thanks to you I probably won’t. Is that enough for you?”

“It doesn’t sound too bad.”

“Good. Now can we forget all the drama and just do something nice?” He runs his hand over the front of Rafa’s shorts, watching him close his eyes in pleasure.

“God, yes.”

It turns out to be better than nice. Next time that conversation starts again, as it surely will, he must remember this is the way to stop it……

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Technically Melek and Hakan would have had a Civil Partnership at this time rather than a wedding but my guess is that people would still have referred to themselves as husbands most of the time.


	19. The Wedding from Hell (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I did a bit of research into Spanish weddings and apparently they go on for ever and involve a huge amount of food and alcohol. "Cocktail hour" is the time between the ceremony and the meal.

July 2013:Manacor

“You’re sure there will be no religious claptrap at any point in this wedding, Rafael?”

“I’ve told you a thousand times before, Tio, 100 per cent secular wedding.”

“Good” Toni looks marginally happier. “You look quite smart by the way.”

“He looks beautiful ,Toni, don’t be so miserable.” Rafa hadn’t noticed his mother approaching them. “You look a little nervous though”

“I am” It isn’t so much the wedding itself but the thought of the one thousand things that could go wrong, from press invasions to family fights to the potential nuclear explosion that is Melek and Hakan’s son. If everyone gets out of this in one piece it will be a miracle. “Can you find out if Roger is ready?”

“His mother’s just going to stir him into action now, she’s going to call me when he’s ready. He seems to be taking this whole thing in a very laid-back way”

“Typical”

“Yes”. His mother smiles, she and Roger have grown very fond of each other. Just as well. Rafa has no idea why he suddenly needs to say what he does.

“I don’t suppose this is the type of wedding you expected me to have, Mami”

“No, I must admit I did think you’d marry someone wearing a dress. Any chance Roger could be persuaded?”

“I don’t think so”

“Pity. But you’re marrying someone you love – that’s all that matters” She reaches up to kiss him. “And who loves you too.”

“Yes” They are interrupted by the phone, after a moment’s conversation there’s a new air of excitement in the room.

“Ready to go?”

“As I’ll ever be”  
 

                                                      ******************************************  
It’s a little difficult for Melek to concentrate on the profound significance of the ceremony when he’s worried that Yusuf might be about to launch one of his hand grenades but he is beginning to relax a little. So far, thankfully, Yusuf seems a little overawed by everything, clinging to Hakan’s legs rather nervously. They’ve chosen to be at the back of the room slightly away from everyone so they can make a quick escape if need be but he can still hear everything.

The ceremony is all in Catalan but they seem to have got to the exchange of rings without too much trouble.

“I guess that’s it.” Hakan turns to smile at Melek.

“Yes, no escape now”

“Any idea what Rafa’s saying?”

“Not a clue” Rafa is speaking his vows in Catalan, he looks very earnest and a couple of his elderly relatives are dabbing at their eyes. He and Roger exchange a smile before Roger starts on his own vows.

“What’s he saying Melek? I can never understand Roger’s German.”

“You wouldn’t. But he’s saying exactly what I said to you at our wedding.”

“Really, why?”

“He rang me two days ago and told me to email him whatever old bollocks I said. Those were his exact words”

“You’re joking” Hakan looks around nervously as if they might be overheard.

“I don’t think anyone here understands Turkish, Hakan.”

“I suppose not. Does Rafa know?”

“I doubt it.” They’ve come to the end now anyway, Roger and Rafa walk away holding hands and the serious stuff is over without Yusuf having caused any trouble. Perhaps they can start to enjoy themselves now.

                                                    *********************************************************  
Maribel had been close to tears during the ceremony – they both seemed so happy. She remembered how Rafa had looked while he was separated from Roger – she had longed to tell him what an idiot he was being but it would have done no good – thank God he’d realised in time. It’s nice to just sit quietly and reflect for a while….

“This isn’t how I ever imagined Rafa’s wedding.” The voice takes her away from her thoughts.

“Feli, how are you?” She gets up to give him a kiss on both cheeks. He looks slightly red and she wonders how much he’s been enjoying cocktail hour.

“I’m surviving, Maribel, did you hear about Francesca?”

“Yes, I was sorry to hear that.” Not really surprised though, Francesca had been only the latest in a rather long list.

“I really thought she was the one” Feli looks down at the ground. “I don’t know what I’m getting wrong”

The answer ought to be fairly obvious but Maribel decides to be kind. “I’m sure the right woman will come along, Feli, you just have to be patient”

“Thank you Maribel, you’re such a sweetheart.” He moves a little closer to her. Oh God, the last thing she wants is to be added to Feli’s list of conquests. She is saved by her mother.

“We’re just about to start lunch. You need to get to the table, Maribel”

“I’m so sorry Feli, I have to go.”

“I’ll see you at the party.”

“Definitely”. Hopefully he’ll have passed out by then.

                                                                                *****************************************  
The quantities of food could have fed double the number of guests for a week but a surprising amount of it has disappeared. And it’s been great fun -Melek has been on a table with Hakan, Sebastian and his wife and a couple of other friends from the Tour. It’s been great to catch up on the news.

“We could never have believed this would happen when we first met Roger, could we?” Sebastian looks about to get all nostalgic, he’s been enjoying the excellent wine.

“You mean the tennis or this?”

“Both.”

“I guess not.”

“Melek, I‘ve never asked you – did you know Roger was gay – was that how you became friends?”

Melek looks around him but no-one else is listening – and Sebastian’s an old friend.

“No I didn’t although who knows? Maybe I picked up something without realising.”

“Perhaps he knew deep down.”

“Could be” There’d been a connection certainly. His memories are interrupted by Hakan leaning over. “Look at Yusuf”

Yusuf had been playing with the other kids but seems now to have been adopted by some of Rafa’s relatives. An elderly lady who may be Rafa’s grandmother seems to be singing to him in Catalan – he looks entranced.

“Do you think we should go and get him? Lucy was always saying he shouldn’t attach to other people before bonding with us.”

“No, I think we should let him enjoy himself”

“Sure?”

“Yes.” He puts an arm around Melek. “Relax.”

Sebastian starts laughing “It’s hopeless Hakan, Melek will always find someone to look after and worry about”

Too true. But for the moment Roger looks happy, Yusuf is happy, Hakan is happy – all his family. Maybe he really can relax.

“You are Yusuf’s parents?” It’s one of the women who’d been watching the kids

Oh fuck, what’s he done?

“Is he OK?”

“Of course, but I wanted to ask – all the kids are going to play and then sleep in the Big House tonight. We’d love to have Yusuf too – and it would mean you could enjoy the evening party.”

“That’s very kind but he couldn’t …I don’t think he’d be happy without us.”

“I’m sure he’d be fine Melek and they could call us if he wasn’t happy”

“I don’t know….”

“Melek” Hakan slips into Turkish “A whole evening – dancing, music, fucking…imagine. It’d be like when we first met.”

It’s unbelievably tempting

“Thank you, we’ll try it.”

                                                                *************************************

If the ceremony and the lunch were mainly Rafa’s choices the evening party is all Roger’s.The music isn’t what Spanish people would expect at a wedding but everyone seems to be enjoying themselves and they’d found a reasonable compromise on the volume.

“Great wedding Rafa.”

“Thanks Stan. How are you?” Not that he really needs to ask – Stan’s obviously been enjoying himself – it’s surprising he’s still upright.

“I’m good. You’re going to have such a good life, man, Roger’s a great guy.”

“I know” Stan looks a little teary – how much has he really had?

“I mean, God, he gives the best…you know…you’ll get that for your whole life, man”

“Stan, I really don’t think you should be telling me this stuff”

“Sorry, man. I just miss it, that’s all. Where’s the bar?”

“That’s the last thing you need. Let me find you somewhere to sit.”

“Thanks man”

                                                                    **********************************  
The DJ had been brought in on Melek’s recommendation and the music is fabulous. He’s taken a break from dancing (nothing to do with  being a little out of breath – his fitness really, really hasn’t gone down that much) so he can just enjoy it.

“Melek, long time, man”

“And you, Lopez, you look…well” The fumes are overpowering.

“Are you happy, man?”

“Yes.” Truly he is. “I have my husband, my son, a family. It’s good”

“That’s great, man because I’m not happy”

Oh Jesus Christ, what did he ever do to deserve this?

“I’m sure everything will be OK in the end”

“I mean…women…, what is it with them?”

“I’m not really the man to advise you on that, Feli.”

“You have it right man, I’m giving up on them, I mean look at you, you’re great man”

This can’t be happening.

“Feli, did you notice the bit where I talked about my husband? And you can't suddenly become gay because you're pissed off with women”

“I just want to try things out, man, see if that’s the answer…

“Feli” He looks like he’s about to fall over “Your problem is that the only person you care about lives in the mirror. Solve that problem and you’ll find life a lot easier.”

“You’re right man, if only I had someone like you it’d be…..”

“Goodbye, Feli, nice to have caught up with you”

                                                                           *****************************  
“You see, man, I told you a big noisy party was the best.”

“Yeah, you did.” Rafa moves in for a kiss. “I’ve loved it.”

“I think you need to go and look after Feli though. Melek’s just told me he’s hitting on anyone who moves.”

“Oh shit. I’ll go and find him”

“And Stan’s being a pain in the ass.”

“He’s missing your wonderful blow jobs apparently”

“He told you that? Oh fuck, man, I haven’t since….”

“Don’t worry, I know. He’s not wrong anyway.”

“Yeah.”

                                                              ***********************************************  
“I’ve told Rafa, he’s going to sort him out”

“Good. Because he’s going to get himself arrested soon.”

“Come on, let’s find a quiet space.” He spots a room that doesn’t seem to be being used for anything.

“Melek, you look tired.”

“I’m OK”

“And you’ve put on weight.”

“Fuck you, man”

“You were a fitness freak, you can’t go from that to doing nothing.”

“It’s just hard finding the time. Roger, I’m glad to be here, it’s good to see you happy”

“You had a lot to do with that.”

“The two of you would have worked it out eventually.”

“Maybe. Give me a hug, man”

“Like this?”

Just like that. He lets his head rest on Melek’s shoulder and feels the peace and safety spread through his body.

“I always have your back, remember?”

“And yours”

                                                                   *************************************  
The evening seems to be drifting towards a close, the music has quietened down slightly, almost all of the older relatives have drifted off, maybe he and Roger could say their goodbyes and celebrate privately in style. Where is Roger?

He looks around and sees Hakan and Melek settled on one of the sofas.

“Have you seen Roger?”

“No, sorry. We’ve been here a while though.” Rafa notices that Melek is actually asleep with his head on Hakan’s lap.

“He’ll turn up soon” He sits beside them on the sofa. “Have you had a good evening?”

“It’s been fantastic. Although we’re a bit lacking in energy at the moment” He smiles suddenly, looking much less serious than normal. “I don’t think my plan for the rest of the evening is going to work out”

“Perhaps you shouldn’t tell me about that.”

“Maybe not.” He strokes his fingers through Melek’s hair. “He needs a complete break but he wouldn’t leave Yusuf with anyone so it’s not really possible.”

“Difficult.” A plan is forming in Rafa’s head. “Hakan, I don’t know how you’d feel about this but I have an idea.”

He gives him an outline of the plan. After some thought Hakan nods in agreement. “That could work really well.”

“Good”

                                                                                       *************************************  
July 2013: Manacor

When you travel all the time the real holiday is staying at home. After thinking about different destinations that had seemed the obvious conclusion and a week later neither of them has changed their minds. Minimal training and a retreat from the outside world.

“Have you thought yet whether you want to make this permanent Rafa?.” They are lying tangled up together and neither wants to move ever again.

“I have actually. I’m going to keep on playing”

Roger doesn’t look too surprised “Thought you might.”

“Why?”

“Because why would you stop before you have to?”

“That’s what I thought. And I’m going to enjoy it – when did we ever play without pressure? I’ll try new things – a one-handed backhand maybe”

“Never”

“Maybe I won’t go that far. And I’ll have to be careful – I don’t want to end up in pain for the rest of my life.”

“I’ll keep an eye on you. It’s a good decision, Rafa”

“Roger, you know how we didn’t bother with presents?”

“Yes?”

“I sort of have one for you but you might feel weird about it.”

“Tell me”

“Would you like a week in London in September?”

Roger looks somewhat suspicious “Why?”

“I’ve sort of arranged a holiday for you”

That prompts Roger to disentangle himself. “Don’t tell me - I’m babysitting Yusuf while Melek and Hakan have a week’s intense fucking.”

“No, Hakan and Yusuf are coming here.” Rafa looks around rather wistfully, thinking of their calm, beautiful home. Well, furniture can always be replaced.

“I’m not sure I see why….”

“Hakan’s orders are to get Melek back on a tennis court and take him clubbing. He wants him kicked out of Dad mode for a while and he’ll never do that unless Yusuf is out of reach.”

“Probably not. Sounds like fun Rafa, thank you. I’ll be tired though, you don’t know what clubbing with Melek is like.”

“Don’t worry, you haven’t heard my orders to Melek yet. Hakan’s delivering them now”

“Oh God, is this something I’m going to hate?”

“They kind of involve a big sofa and lots of terrible action movies. And crappy food”

Roger goes very still.

“Rafa, you didn’t have to do that.”

“You don’t like the idea?.”

Funny how the world thinks Roger cries all the time but if you know him really, really well you realise when he’s most moved he doesn’t cry at all.

“I…yes… I do like it…very much.”

“Good.”

“I love you.”

“You too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The soppiest ending yet!
> 
> This seems to be veering away from fan-fiction and more into just relationship drama. I don;t mind carrying on if people like it, the dialogue is pretty much writing itself now. There's retirement, arguing about the kids, family breakups, Rafa and Hakan could start a passionate affair. Let me know.


	20. The Inevitable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a rather somber one- I wanted to try something a little different.
> 
> Thanks to all the people still reading. As ever - if you are enjoying please leave a comment then I know to carry on!

March 2014: Indian Wells

There seems little doubt that Novak is going to be a challenge on a completely different level this season. The win in Australia and now this…

“Do you think Roger can put him back in his box Tio?”

“Not easily.”

“No.” It’s a strange experience for Rafa to watch this happening. He wants desperately to prevent it, to keep seeing Roger at the top of the tree and yet a tiny part of his mind is whispering “now you know what it feels like. This is what you did to me…”

“You want me to come with you?”

“No, better not.”

Toni and Roger have developed a relationship of mutual respect and tolerant affection but still, he would not be welcome at this moment.

The official standing by the locker room waves him in – he has that look of semi-embarrassment and barely suppressed curiosity that Rafa has become familiar with. Still at least he’s avoided any actual conversation.

Inside the locker room Roger is lying stretched out along a bench, his eyes closed.

“Hi.”

“I hope you’re not going to tell me any lies.”

“No. You were shit.”

“I was.”

He sits down on the floor, takes Roger’s hand in his and lets silence do the work, he knows which comforts work and which don’t. Sure enough after a while Roger stirs into life.

“I just wish I liked the fucker.”

“It’ll never happen.”

“No. And it makes it ten times worse.” He levers himself up off the bench. “Better go and make nice with the press.”

“Meet you back at the hotel?”

“Please”

The conversation is interrupted by Rafa’s phone – a text from Fiona. The message is a surprise. “Fiona wants to see us both urgently after the presser. Any idea what that’s about?”

“No. But I don’t think I can face it anyway. Do you mind going now and then catching me up on it?.”

“Not at all.”

“Thanks” Rafa feels himself enveloped in a hug, Roger’s face nuzzling into his neck. “You’re the best.”

“I know”.

                                                      ********************************************

“We’ve been contacted by TMZ, Rafa, they’re going to be publishing this story within the next hour - it's too late to stop it but we’ve been given a heads-up to make any comments.”She hands over the print - out. “Roger really should have been here as well.”

He reads the paper carefully. It’s what they’ve half expected and prepared for over the years but it doesn’t make it any easier.

"Roger hasn’t done anything wrong here.”

“That’s not really the point.”

“Then what is?”

“We’ve spent four years playing up your big beautiful romance and people love it, you haven’t taken any damage at all. This could change that.”

“Why? Roger and I weren’t even together when this happened.”

“There’s a nasty hint at the end.”

“It’s not true.”

“But people might believe it.”

“Let them. Anyone who matters to us knows the truth.”

Fiona looks at him steadily. “Rafa, this bit about the training camp – is it true? Did this guy take advantage of Roger?”

“No. Anyone who knows Melek would know that isn’t possible.”

“It's a serious allegation.”

“I know.” He gets up. “Don’t say anything until we’ve had a chance to discuss it.”

                                   *********************************************

By the time he gets back to the hotel he has a suspicion that Roger will already know everything. It doesn’t matter – he has no doubts about what he said to Fiona. They know where they are on this.

“I think I can guess what the meeting was about, Rafa” Roger is sitting on the bed looking at his laptop.

“I take it the story’s gone out?”

“Yes.” He pushes the laptop away and lies back. “Perfect end to the day.”

“You up for talking about it?”

“What do you want to know?”

“Is it true?”

“The threesome? Yes, do you mind?”

“Of course not, it was before we were together.” He smiles and strokes along Roger’s leg. “You can tell me what happened though”

“Not much to tell. He was some guy that Melek brought along, I don’t think I even knew his name. It was a great night Rafa, I remember feeling like…everything was ahead of me, you know? All the good times.”

“I get that.” Roger is calm but there’s a deeper sadness underneath that’s clearly visible. He’s unlikely to be willing to discuss that right now, Rafa knows how to judge the moment and doesn’t push it. “Have you spoken to Melek?”

“I tried his phone but no answer. Not a good sign.”

“Will you try again?”

“Yeah, but tomorrow. He’s going to beat himself up massively and I’m not up for dealing with it right now.”He stretches out a bit more.“You know that bit about the camp is complete crap, right?”

“Yes, I told Fiona that part couldn’t be true.”

“Good.”

“Roger, we need to discuss exactly how we handle this.”

“I know. But not right now, I feel kind of beaten up”

“Would this help?” Rafa lies down on the bed and pulls Roger over to him.

“So much.”

                                    ******************************************

March 2014:London

It’s been a pretty good day – Yusuf is with Hakan’s family while Melek gives his lesson and there’s even space to have some time alone before he needs to pick him up – music, playstation, sleep – all the options have their attractions. The sight of a large number of messages on his phone is not particularly welcome. Most can be ignored but Sebastian shouldn’t be.

**You need to sue them, it’s a disgrace. I’ll help.**

What the fuck’s he talking about?

A few messages later he’s starting to get some idea – he needs to read the whole thing…….

                                                           ***********************************

                                                            ***********************************

Hakan is surprised to find the house so quiet when he gets back – probably Melek isn’t back with Yusuf yet. Good, time for a shower before chaos strikes…..

“Shit, Melek, I didn’t realise you were still here”. He’s about to move in for a kiss but the look on his face stops him. “What’s happened?”

“Have a read” The laptop is pushed towards him.

_**Steamy sex romp after Wimbledon victory** _

_Mark Hausmann, a barman living in Hamburg, Germany has made the sensational claim that he was involved in a three-in-a bed romp with tennis superstar Roger Federer after his Wimbledon victory in 2006._

_Hausman attended the celebratory party the evening of the victory where he was invited to join Federer and former German Davis Cup player Melek Aydin in a steamy sex session._

_“It was Melek’s idea, I think but Roger was perfectly willing and we all had a good time” he says, refusing to give any further details._

_Federer is, of course, famously married to fellow tennis star Rafael Nadal but until now not much was known for certain about former partners. A current player, who wishes to remain anonymous, had this to say:_

_“Everyone knew Roger and Melek were gay and people assumed they were involved but no-one knew for certain. They never really behaved like a couple but they seemed close”_

_A potentially more disturbing story emerged from a former junior player who attended a training camp where Federer was also a student and Melek Aydin one of the coaches._

_“They were pretty friendly, they spent a lot of time together away from the training sessions. Roger would have been about fifteen at the time, I’m not sure exactly. No-one thought anything of it then but you do wonder now.”_

_The two appear to be close friends still, attended each other’s weddings and were even spotted enjoying themselves in a London nightclub last September. No doubt the steamy threesome was strictly a one-off……_

“Melek, this is total shit. How dare they do this?”

“The threesome bit is correct.”

“Yes, but what they’re suggesting…..” This isn’t going to help. “Tell me about it.”

“Mark was a friend of mine, I thought I could trust him but I suppose he needs the money. I’m sorry I never told you about it”

“Why would you have told me about it? We hadn’t even met – I don’t care who you were fucking then.” If he’d hoped Melek would look happier after this then his hopes are dashed.

“I should have been more careful.”

“Maybe. But you told me Roger had other partners before Rafa – any of them could have betrayed him – it’s just bad luck that it was this guy”

“I suppose so.”

“Melek, we can’t let this about the training camp stand. They’re accusing you of…of…”

“Of using my position to exploit an under-age boy for sex? Yeah, I noticed that”

“We can sue them.”

“People will still believe it.”

“Have you spoken to Roger? He can issue a statement – people would believe him.”

“He’s been calling but I haven’t answered. What am I supposed to say? _Please tell everyone I’m not a sex offender, Roger, pretty please?”_

“Melek, Roger will want to help – you have to talk to him”

“I just can’t.” Hakan notices his hands are shaking. He feels close to a state of panic himself. He suddenly realises how much he’d just assumed Melek would always take care of him, always be strong, he’d never imagined seeing him as broken as this. Time to focus on practicalities.

“Is Yusuf still with Anne and Baba?

“Yes. I don’t want to see them knowing they might have seen this. Can you pick him up?”

“Of course, I’ll go now. And we’ll get through this” He squeezes Melek’s hand but gets no response. Despite his words he has absolutely no idea what to do beyond getting through the evening

                                              ***************************************************

Fortunately his parents don’t seem to have any idea about what’s happened – they hand over Yusuf with a fair amount of relief. At least that’s one problem postponed and the drive home is fairly peaceful.

“Baba, who’s that man?” Yusuf is right, there is a man outside their house. What the fuck?

“Can I help you?”

“Are you Melek Aydin? Do you have anything to say about your relationship with Roger Federer?”

“No and No”

“You’re his husband? Are the allegations true? Can you make a comment?”

“No. And please get out of my way.”

“We’d just like to know what he has to say.”

“Are you going to move? Or do I need to call the police?”

The man finally gives up although he doesn’t walk away – at least Hakan can get in the house.

“Where’s Daddy? Want Daddy”. It’s a painful thought that this is the first time Yusuf has ever got home to not find Daddy waiting with a hug.

“He’s just having a rest, Yusuf. I’ll get you some chocolate and put Dangermouse on.” Sweets in front of the TV – the ultimate in bad parenting. But it will keep him calm while they work out what to do.

Melek looks like he hasn’t moved at all.

“They obviously hadn’t heard anything - that’s one good thing.”

“For the moment. I’ve had a text from Richard’s parents though.” He shows Hakan the message cancelling the lesson without explanation. It's not difficult to guess the reason why.

“Melek, we can’t just let this go, you know that right?”

“What if it’s the truth?”

“Nothing happened at the camp.”

“No, but something happened later, he was still only 17 and I was supposed to be looking out for him. Maybe I did take advantage.”

“You can’t do this to yourself Melek" And yet of course he will. "You’ve always been there for Roger.”

“I haven’t been much use. I didn’t protect him when I should have, now I’ve brought all this on his head”

“None of this is your fault.” He puts his arms around Melek but there’s little response, he has no idea how to break through the wall, how to find the right words. “Can I get you something to eat?”

“No thanks. Go and check on Yusuf - I don’t feel up to it.”

“Of course” He bites back the tears – what would be the point? Get through the evening – surely things will feel better in the morning?

             **************************************************

            **************************************************

As ever sleep seems to have given Roger fresh energy – Rafa is always amazed by his powers of recuperation.

“You want to talk before the meeting Rafa?”

“Yes.” The meeting with Nike will determine what they’re going to do. “Any ideas?”

“I’m not going to act like I’m ashamed of this. No-one would care if I’d been in bed with two women, look at Marat or Feli – this is no different.”

“I agree. You’ve done nothing wrong"

“Good.” He hesitates. “Rafa, I don’t think I’m the main issue here.”

“No. Will you try and speak to him again?”

“I must. But I don’t know what to do.” He is interrupted by his phone, Rafa hears a long conversation in German but it isn’t to Melek.

“That was Sebastian, he was coaching at the camp as well. He thinks if we put out a joint statement it would convince most people.”

“We can talk about it at the meeting. I don’t know what the right thing to do is, maybe you need to talk to Melek as well.”

“I will.” He pauses to put his arms around him. “This is tough on you, Rafa, thank you for backing me up.”

“Why wouldn't I? We face things together, remember?”

“Yeah.” His smile disappears as he dials and there’s no answer. “I’m going to try Hakan.”

“Hakan, can you tell Melek to pick up his phone?....................Oh shit, I knew he was going to do that……………………Tell him to stop feeling sorry for himself and acting like a twat………………I’ve got a meeting to discuss all this then I’ll call him. Look after yourself, Hakan.”

“He’s off on some big fucking guilt trip apparently. Hakan sounds a mess”

“Oh shit”

“Yeah.”

                                                  *********************************************

                                                   ********************************************

The miracle Hakan was hoping for certainly hasn’t happened – Melek doesn’t look as though he’s had any sleep at all.

“Can you get Yusuf up?”

“I can, but I have to get to work soon. Will you be OK?”

“You can’t have a day off?”

“Not really.”

 

“Where’s Daddy? I want Daddy.”

“Just eat your Rice Crispies.”

“I want Daddy”

“Be a good boy and I’ll put Peppa Pig on.” Jesus, if Lucy could see him now. But it works – Yusuf settles down in front of the TV. Oh God, the fucking phone.

“Hello…… Roger, I can’t get him to speak to you – he’s convinced himself everything is his fault………I don’t know what to do, I’ve never seem him like this……….I’ve had the press onto us as well, how do I handle that…….And you Roger, this isn’t your fault either.”

He actually feels better for the call, something of Roger’s spiky energy has transferred itself to him. Time to stop being careful. He heads back up the stairs.

“You need to get up. Yusuf needs you.”

“In a minute.”

“Now. And I’ve just spoken to Roger – he’s going to call you after a meeting with his advisors.”

“I can’t speak to him.”

“I don’t think you’ll have much choice. And he says you’re being a twat.”

That produces a flicker in his eyes but then it’s gone.

“He’s got that right.”

“Melek.” He can’t actually take this any more.“Please, just scream, swear, hit the wall, I don’t care but don’t be like this – don’t shut me out, I can’t stand it.” He feels like he's falling apart.

“I just can’t…..” but he sits up and then falls forward where Hakan is waiting for him – he doesn’t cry for long but it’s something.

“I’d better go and see to Yusuf. God, I feel like shit”

“I’ll try and get away early. Take things easy, just give him chocolate and keep him in front of the telly. And don’t answer the door.”

“You want to turn me into a terrible parent as well?”

“You couldn’t ever be that.” He tightens his arms around him. “I love you”.

“You too.”

                                                    ***********************************************

                                                    ***********************************************

The meeting seems like it’s going to be serious – Fiona, Simon and Matthew who turns out to be some high-powered lawyer and advisor. All this for having legal sex that hurt nobody. What crap.

“Roger, it would help if you were tell us as much of the truth as possible so we know where we’re at.” Matthew is businesslike but there’s a kindness in his voice.

“The threesome is true.”

“OK, so I take it you and Melek were involved sexually?”

“Yes, but not now. We’re still close though.” Matthew doesn’t need the full story.

“And you started your relationship at this training camp?”

“The friendship but not the sex.”

“You don’t have to answer this but when did that start?  It would help to know where we are ”

“I was almost 18. Completely legal.”

“And Melek wasn’t coaching you or anything, he wasn’t in what we call “a position of trust”?”

“No, he was just a friend”

“Thank you, now we know where we are legally.” He sits back to let Simon and Fiona take over.

“Roger, you know all your sponsors have a clause about not engaging in behaviour that might bring discredit on the brand. Some of them may take a dim view of this”

They're really going to try that on him? “Fine. If any of you drop me I’ll give an interview saying that Nike, or Mercedes, or whoever, like gays so long as they don’t have sex. That will make the brand look really cool.”

“There’s no need for that.”

“I think there is.”

Matthew seems to feel the need to intervene. “I’m sure we can agree that there will be no repetition?”

“We can manage that.” They are pretty careful about who they invite.

“Roger, I think the best thing to do is to let this one go. We can’t really sue the website and you’ve also had a lot of support – people can see you’ve done nothing wrong.”

“Fine for me but they’re lying about Melek. I can’t just let that go.”

Simon decides to join in again. “Roger, if we say that bit isn’t true then we’re admitting the rest of it _is_ true.”

“So?”

“If we say nothing then there’s still doubt. That might be best for you”

“So I should crap all over my closest friend because it’s best for me?”

“We don’t mean that. There’s also Rafa to think about”

“I agree with Roger. We can’t let Melek take all the shit.”

“He presumably doesn’t have sponsorships and things? The article doesn’t really affect him does it?”

“Fuck you, you don’t have a clue what’s it like being trashed like that.”

“Fiona and Simon, I don’t think you’re helping here. Perhaps I can talk to Roger and Rafa alone?” They don’t look very happy but, thank God they leave the room.

“Roger, I see where you’re coming from. But you know that issuing any sort of statement will just bring more questions about your relationship with Melek. And you won’t convince everybody. Are you ready for that? Is Rafa? Is your friend?”

“We are. If I keep quiet everyone will think Melek is guilty. If I speak up – maybe some people will believe me. That’s better than nothing”

 "OK” Matthew sits back and then smiles. “For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing the right thing.”

                                                   *****************************************

                                                    ****************************************

Hakan does actually manage to leave work a bit early, just as well – Yusuf’s probably had as much chocolate as he can take.

“You managed?”

“Just about.” It’s almost a relief to see Melek looking exhausted and sad – somehow that’s better than that terrible blankness. And by some miracle Yusuf actually goes to bed easily, Hakan takes the opportunity to offer a back rub.

“Is this nice?”

“Fucking amazing.”

“You OK to talk?”

“Just about”

“Any hassle from the press?”

“The phone rang all the time and there was someone at the door. But I mostly didn’t answer.”

“Did you speak to Roger?”

“I can’t face that yet. But I talked to Sebastian – he read me the statement they’re going to put out. It's very strong -I don't think it can do any harm.”

“No. Melek, why can’t you talk to Roger? Surely you don’t think he’ll blame you?”

“It’s not that.” He keeps his head turned away. “Hakan, that first time with Roger – he seemed so happy – it’s a nice memory for me. We never had mind blowing sex but it was always…... fun, gentle somehow. When I read that article it made it seem so…..sleazy – an older guy hitting on some kid, I’d never thought of it like that. Maybe that’s how it really was, maybe I was just kidding myself.” The tears that didn’t quite flow in the morning are coming freely now. Hakan moves to curl up against him until he’s finished.

“You need to talk to Roger.”

“I know. And I will – I just need…time.”

“But…” he is interrupted by his phone “Hello……. I don’t think……” he hands it over to Melek “It’s for you.” He doesn’t understand most of the conversation that follows – Melek’s German never sounds much like the version he learnt in Berlin. At least they’re talking though. But he's never before heard them talk without laughter.

“What did he have to say?”

“He says I should have blown him while he was at the camp. Would have given him an extra two years of fun”

“I hope he’s not going to put that in the statement.”

“Probably not.”

“Did it help?”

“Maybe. Hakan - no-one really understands how it is between me and Roger – not strangers anyway. I suppose I can’t let other people change what I know to be true. But it’s not easy - it stll feels like everything has been ....poisoned”

“I know. But you mustn’t shut me out – we face this together”

“I won’t.”

                                                                  **********************************************

                                                                   **********************************************

“Hakan, please put Melek on the phone………oh for fuck’s sake, is he still on this guilt trip? Just put him on……..” That’s the last part that Rafa understands although a few words are clear.

“Is he OK?”

“A bit better now. I told him a lot of soft stuff”

“Really? You taught me some German swear words, remember. There seemed to be a few of those.”

“That _was_ the soft stuff. I don’t know if he’ll be all right, Rafa, it’s really torn him up. We’re used to all this crap, we know how to deal with it – he doesn't.”

“No, it’s shit what’s been done to him. Roger, you’ve been very strong over this, I’m impressed.”

He looks somewhat guilty. “Truth is, Rafa, I haven’t minded the distraction.”

“Oh”

“I mean, it hasn’t been nice and I’m worried about Melek. But… it’s stopped me thinking about tennis.”

“Novak’s form won’t last forever, you have to stick in there.”

“It’s not that, I know that I can still win things. But I think the days of winning every other trophy are gone.”

“Maybe.”

“How did you manage? I can't believe you didn't hate me”

“It’s part of what split us up, remember? So I didn't manage very well."

“Does it….still bother you?”

They’d sworn to be always honest when it came to tennis.

“Yes. I miss knowing I’m the best player in the world. It still hurts. But I enjoy every win now, I enjoy just playing the game, I love cheering you on. I try to focus on the good things.”

# “I guess so. And spending my life with someone who understands – that’s pretty good. You want to give me a back rub?”

“Nothing more?”

“No, I’m too tired. But I’d love a massage”

“No problem.”

                                                              ***********************************

                                                               ***********************************

He's had to snatch some time alone to do this - getting home early while Melek is at Yusuf's swimming lesson - but it's necessary - he needs to know what the world is saying about them and he can't do that with Melek looking over his shoulder. It's been a few days and their phones are no longer ringing quite so frequently - journalists seem to have accepted that they aren't going to say anything. Hakan isn't hugely familiar with gossip sites but Google is always your friend and it's not hard to see that this has been a big story - it shouldn't be surprising to find pictures of himself and Melek everywhere but it is. How did this ever happen to them?

It's fairly obvious that Roger's statement has had the expected effect - everyone takes it for granted that most of the article is true. But silently admitting that truth seems, thankfully, to have made Roger's statement more credible - he can't find many people openly doubting or even mentioning it. But the rest.......

 **Melek did much better than Roger - have you seen his husband?? Hot** That's rather startling.

 **This is pure homophobia - if he was fucking two women he'd be called a stud** True

 **Why is this anyone's business? It's before he got together with Rafa** Because it makes money.

 **Melek is much hotter than Rafa - Roger should have stuck with him.** He has no idea if Melek would want to know this or not.

 **This whole thing is a lie. Roger would never have gone with anyone before he found his true love.** Oh dear - this girl needs to be better prepared for the world.

 **I bet they have great foursomes. Imagine.** Do people really think they live their lives as if they were in a porn movie? The idea is creepy anyway.

There's no time for anymore as he can hear Melek and Yusuf returning

"Baba, Baba, I got both feet off the floor today - I can do real swimming."

"That's amazing Yusuf" He looks up at Melek.

"He actually did - he moved about an inch"

"Wow. Do you want to do a painting?" It'll give them a few minutes even if they will have to spend half an hour clearing up the mess.

"I've just been checking out what's being said. I thought we needed to know"

"Do I want to know?"

"It's not too bad. I think almost everyone believes Roger - that's the main thing."

"Good." But he sounds subdued.

"You're not pleased?"

"I am - I'm just tired."

Hakan knows he hasn't been sleeping well. But he has some other good news " The nursery rang - they can offer him a place in June. Do you think he's ready?"

"What do you think?"

"I think he's ready to try. We can always pull him out if he can't cope."

"I'm sure you're right."

"You're letting me decide just like that? No half an hour's agonizing?" He's trying to sound light-hearted and suspects he's failing miserably.

"I trust your decisions Hakan." He smiles and gives him a kiss.

Because he no longer trusts his own. Hakan can only hope that time will help.

March 2014: Miami

It’s a strange kind of press conference – it’s the first time they’ve really had a chance to speak to him. They are obviously just waiting to talk about the subject but feel obliged to ask the standard questions about his easy win first. But here it comes.....

“Roger, obviously there’s been a lot of speculation about your personal life. Can I ask why you chose to make the statement that you did?”

“Because a friend of mine had insinuations made about him that were completely untrue. It was important to say that.”

“Did he ask you to release that statement?”

“No, it was my decision and Sebastian’s. Like I said, we couldn’t have people thinking it was true. He would never, ever have abused his position like it was suggested.”

“Did that mean…?”

“You only get one follow up. Next”

“Roger, are you going to sue the website that published the allegations?”

“No. They agreed to publish the statement and remove that part of the article from their website.”

“Would it be right, then, to assume that the rest of the article was true?”

“You can assume what you like. The article didn’t suggest _I_  did anything wrong so it doesn’t matter whether anyone thinks it was true or not. It only matters that my friend’s name is clear.” He’s rather proud of this argument – Matthew had been quite impressed by it as well.

“Did you…?”

“Next”

“Roger, the article generated a lot of attention, more so than similar stories about other sportsmen. Why do you think that was?”

“We all know the reason for that. And that’s the last question I’m going to answer on the subject.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did wonder whether the reactions to suddenly being in the media spotlight were overdone - sadly there is plenty of evidence that this is really traumatising when it happens to people. 
> 
> There will be another chapter - I won't leave things on this rather depressing note - but it is as yet unwritten


	21. Women

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two new chapters.
> 
> Thank you to everyone reading - was very surprised by the number of hits on that last, rather downbeat chapter. Not sure if these ones are angsty or light-hearted - bit of both.

April 2014: Manacor

“I’m very happy with how your body’s holding up, Rafael, I think you can certainly play for another couple of years if you’re careful.” This is better news than Angel usually has for him.

“Still around the Top 20?”

“No reason why not. There aren’t any guarantees of course.”

“No” And Rafa isn’t actually sure how long he wants to keep playing at this level. But it’s welcome news that the choice is still his – he leaves the office feeling that life is pretty good.

His training session with Toni also goes well.

“Your serve is really developing into a weapon, Rafael.”

“I know. I need the free points these days.”

“It’s not what tennis should be about. There’s an art to point construction, it’s all too much of a rush now”

“You going to tell Roger that?”

“Roger would have been a better player if I’d coached him.”

“You would have killed each other.”

“Probably. How is he anyway?”

“You could ask him yourself.”

“He’ll just say everything’s fine but I’m not sure.”

“Are you ever going to admit you might actually care about him?”

“No. But I’ll admit I now understand why you do”

“Good enough”

                                                                     **********************************************

                                                                     **********************************************

“Strange to see a Swiss guy living next to a beach, Roger.”

“You don’t like it Rene? I thought you could have a holiday at the same time”

“I’m not complaining, get this interview done and I’m off to the beach. You want to go over the awkward questions first?”

“Sure”

“I’ll be asking how you feel about Novak.”

“He’s a fucking tosser”

“Try again.”

“He’s an amazing player who keeps beating me”

Rene’s starting to look a little worried. “You don’t sound quite like yourself.”

“I’ll be fine for the real thing.”

“Then I’d like to ask about your marriage .”

“No problem. I’ve done that a thousand times.”

“And I have to ask you about recent stories – you understand that, right?”

“Sure. If you’re straight no-one cares about your sex life unless you’re cheating on your wife, if you’re gay then it’s a story. So please ask”

“Roger, forget the interview for a moment. Talk to me – you sound bitter.”

“Maybe”

“It was amazing you kept it quiet as long as you did.”

“I’d understand if I was cheating on Rafa but these are all guys I slept with when I was single. Who cares, why does it matter?”

“Do you regret making the statement? You were admitting most of the story was true when you did that, it meant everyone went off looking for more”

“I know but I had to stand up for Melek, I wouldn’t have survived on the Tour without him. It doesn’t matter, let’s get on with it”

“Fine. When did you start playing tennis?”

                                                             *************************************

                                                             *************************************

The meeting has been going well – of course, Rafa is aware that the woman is trying to sell the deal but even so….

“I can see this working out really well, Rafael, you say you love the coffee anyway so there’s a mutual benefit here.”

“How much commitment would you want from me?”

“Photoshoots, a TV ad and a few personal appearances. We know tennis is your priority – we wouldn’t interfere with that.”

“No”. Why not be encouraging? “You’ll need to talk to my team but personally I’m very interested – it sounds good.”

“I’m very happy to hear that.” Luciana does indeed look pleased – in a previous life Rafa would have found her very attractive. “If that’s business over should I make you another beautiful Marcilla coffee?”

“Definitely.” She prepares it exactly as he likes it and sits beside him on the sofa.

“I’m a huge fan of yours, Rafael, you’ll always be the best player ever for me.”

“I might know someone who’d argue with that.”

“He’s wonderful too. But your strategy on clay was just so…artistic.” She goes into quite a lot of detail – clearly not just a casual fan.

“Thank you.” He’s so used to Roger being the artistic one – it’s very nice to hear. And her perfume is lovely – time to move probably.

“It’s been lovely meeting you, Luciana.” Yet he doesn’t move away as she strokes his leg.

“Such beautiful muscles”

“Luciana, you’re a beautiful woman but I can’t….”

“If it would help Rafael, I have slept with two men before and you and Roger are both extremely attractive.” She smiles and moves a little closer.

It isn’t something they’ve ever talked about but he supposes he could ask….

“Give me your number.”

She smiles in a way that’s just short of being triumphant as he gets out his phone.

“I’d love to hear from you.”

                                                                          *************************************

“How did the interview go?”

“Fine. Rene was pretty keen to get to the beach so he kept it sharp.”

“Good. You want a coffee? Luciana gave me enough to open a bar.”

“Maybe a bit later.” He pulls Rafa over to the sofa and wraps himself around him. “First things first”

Ah. As nice as it is Rafa is quite well aware that Roger will always prefer physical comfort to actually talking about whatever’s upset him. He’s learnt to apply the five minute test – if Roger starts chatting within that time this is just contact for pleasure, if not….

Five minutes later he’s neither talking nor falling asleep. But direct questioning never works.

“Toni liked my serve today.”

“Your serve’s incredible. I think you’ll win something big this year.”

He looks down at Roger – politeness or does he mean that? Definitely the latter - that’s encouraging. Really has been a great day.

“And I had a good meeting with Luciana. They don’t want too much from me and it’s a great brand.”

“Excellent”

“She was really nice”

“ _Really_ nice?”

Time to have this discussion? Nothing can go wrong today.

“Yes. She had a rather _interesting_ suggestion.”

“About coffee?”

“Don’t play stupid. About us – and her”

“I hope you’re not thinking what I think you are.”

“Is it too weird for you? I’d never thought of it but…..”

Is Roger bursting out laughing a good sign? It takes him a while to calm down.

“You serious?”

“I could be. Should I not have asked?”

“Rafa.” Roger sits up. “Of course you can ask. But I don’t want to have sex with a woman. And it wouldn’t turn me on to watch you either.”

The sense of disappointment is stronger than he’d expected.

“So that’s it then”

Roger isn’t smiling any more. “You know you have my permission, if you like this woman then go for it. But you need to leave me out.”

“I just thought…I mean…I know you slept with women years ago…maybe this time it would be better.”

“Oh. You think I might be _cured_? That I could be sort of _straight_ now? How nice for me.”

“Don’t be a fucking idiot, of course I didn’t mean that.”

“Well, it sounded like it. Don’t straight people ever get that we like being gay, we don’t actually want to be like you?”

This is too much, this is Roger’s most annoying habit which has been seriously pissing him off for what feels like the last twenty years.

“Oh, fuck off Roger, I know what this is about. You’re upset about something and instead of just fucking t _elling_ me what it is you blow up about something completely stupid. Stop playing games” He gets up off the sofa and heads for the door. “Come and find me when you grow up.”

                                                                              ****************************************

                                                                              ****************************************

It’s not been the best of days but it’s nearly over – some quiet time with Rafa and then sleep would be perfect……

“How did the interview go?” He’d really rather not talk about it.

“Fine. Rene was pretty keen to get to the beach so he kept it sharp.”

“Good. You want a coffee? Luciana gave me enough to open a bar.”

“Maybe a bit later.” He pulls Rafa over to the sofa and wraps himself around him. “First things first”

There’s no instant calm but peace eventually starts to work its way through his body – being close without talking is just so nice…..although it never lasts as long as he’d like……..

“Toni liked my serve today.” He suppresses the irritation because Rafa looks really happy – it’s good to see him looking so enthused about tennis again.

“Your serve’s incredible. I think you’ll win something big this year.” This is perfectly true – he has a good feeling about Rafa’s chances at the moment.

“And I had a good meeting with Luciana. They don’t want too much from me and it’s a great brand.”

“Excellent”

“She was really nice”

“ _Really_ nice?” He’s not entirely sure whether Rafa has ever made use of his permission – maybe this is the moment?

“Yes. She had a rather _interesting_ suggestion.” Oh fuck, surely not…..

“About coffee?”

“Don’t play stupid. About us – and her”

“I hope you’re not thinking what I think you are.” Fat chance.

“Is it too weird for you? I’d never thought of it but…..”

He has a sudden mental image of how it would be, Rafa banging away, himself watching on bored out of his mind, perhaps he could take along a console or watch a film, the idea brings on a fit of laughter although it feels more like hysterics than pleasure,

“You serious?”

“I could be.” Oh shit, he looks really hopeful. “Should I not have asked?”

“Rafa.” Roger sits up. He doesn’t like disappointing him but this is something he absolutely cannot do. “Of course you can ask. But I don’t want to have sex with a woman. And it wouldn’t turn me on to watch you either.”

“So that’s it then”

Why on earth does this even matter to him? “You know you have my permission, if you like this woman then go for it. But you need to leave me out.”

“I just thought…I mean…I know you slept with women years ago…maybe this time it would be better.”

He fucking said that? Roger can remember sex with girls, the feelings of inadequacy, the knowledge that he’d let them down, and then that last time….and Rafa wants him to go through it again – of course he does – everyone knows that being gay is second best…. He’s torn between hurt and anger and lets anger win.

“Oh. You think I might be _cured_? That I could be sort of _straight_ now? How nice for me.”

“Don’t be a fucking idiot, of course I didn’t mean that.” Fuck that, of course he meant it, hadn’t he once rejected Roger because he couldn’t stand living a gay life, maybe he’s never really changed his mind on that, the thought is piercingly painful but anger still prevails.

“Well, it sounded like it. Don’t straight people ever get that we like being gay, we don’t actually want to be like you?”

“Oh, fuck off Roger, I know what this is about. You’re upset about something and instead of just fucking _telling_ me what it is you blow up about something completely stupid. Stop playing games” He gets up off the sofa and heads for the door. “Come and find me when you grow up.”

There’s no way Roger is going after him – this is all absolutely Rafa’s fault – it wasn’t enough that they have a nice peaceful time together – Roger has to be made to _discuss_ things and _talk about his feelings_ – it’s Rafa’s most annoying habit which has been seriously pissing him off for what feels like the last twenty years. No way is he going to be first to back down, no way……

                                                                                         *******************************************  
                                                                                         *******************************************

“Sorry, you were right, I shouldn’t have blown up at you like that.” He lies down next to Rafa although he doesn’t touch him.

“That’s OK, I could have said things better.” He isn’t going to leave it there. “Roger, I just wish you’d talk about what’s bothering you, it drives me mad when I can see there’s something wrong and you don’t let me help”.

Roger doesn’t answer immediately – he makes himself more comfortable on the bed. “It helps just being with you Rafa, I don’t know that talking makes things better.

”Try it sometime. Like now. You owe me.”

“I was just pissed off about the interview.”

“But you really like Rene.”

“It wasn’t his fault. But I used to get asked why I was so wonderful, not “Why are you losing?” or “How many men have you fucked?” I know he has to do his job but….. it wasn’t good.”

“Doesn’t sound it.” He leaves the tennis aside for the moment, he knows from his own experience talking about that isn’t much help. “I’m sorry, it wasn’t the best time for me to talk about Luciana. Honestly, I didn’t mean it like you thought”

“I know.” He leans into Rafa. “I’ll tell you how it was with me and women, that’ll make it clearer”

_January 2004: Basel_

Roger hadn’t particularly wanted to go to Leon’s party but it’s turning out to be pretty cool – and catching up with old friends has been fun.

“You really think you’re going to make it in tennis, man?”

“Definitely. I was right when I said school was no use to me.”

“No use to anyone, man. Hey, there’s this girl I want you to meet, she’s just right for you.”

“Oh?” He tries to inject a little enthusiasm into his voice, really he’d prefer to keep talking to Leon.

“Yes, she used to play tennis a bit.” He calls over to a girl on the other side of the room. “Jana, come and meet Roger.”

“Hello Roger”

“Hello. Do you play tennis?”

“I was quite serious as a junior then I got fed up with it. I’ve been hearing your name a lot though.”

They chat for a while longer, she does seem a nice girl – probably a couple of years older than him -and it’s good to talk to someone who knows what a half-volley is. She’s probably attractive too - not that he ever really understands what that means - but he can imagine most of his friends would be envying him right now. It’s even more flattering that she obviously finds him attractive – and kissing her feels good.

“You want to find a room?”

He feels that familiar twinge of anxiety but pushes it aside – he just hasn’t met the right girl yet and maybe Jana is the one?

“Sure”

Ten minutes later and he’s thinking maybe this is going to be “it” – her hands on his body feel very good indeed – the right girl was obviously all he needed.

“Touch me here, Roger, that would feel good, oh yes”. She’s clear about what she wants and that makes things so much easier.

“Now here.”

It’s very relaxing to be told what to do – he lets his mind slip away into contemplating his next match – must try out that slice, crosscourt, volley pattern he’s been thinking about – it should be effective against a big serve.

“I’m ready now, Roger.”

He remembers where he is but it’s a bit too late. Shit.

“I’ll just need a minute.”

“Let me” She uses her mouth and that does the trick – enough to get him through putting on the condom anyway. The rest isn’t too bad – at least he gets to the endpoint without any major problems. If he wonders why this is supposed to be so much better than just jerking himself off then he keeps the thought to himself.

“You should have told me that was your first time, Roger.” She’s smiling at him.

“It wasn’t.”

“Oh. Second?”

What’s she trying to say? “You seemed to be enjoying it”

“But you……” She trails off.

He’d actually thought it had been better than usual but clearly not good enough. Shit, he can feel tears forming in his eyes, what is it about this that he can’t get right?.

“Never mind, Roger, we can try again, it’ll get better.”

“No thanks.”

“There’s no need for that, it wasn’t my fault”

“Maybe it was, maybe if you were more attractive I’d have been more interested.”

She stares at him. “I can’t believe you said that you fucking bastard.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that….” And he really didn’t, it was just he needed a reason…….

“Don’t you ever come near me again.”

                                                                             ************************************************

“Sex with women – it wasn’t just that it didn’t feel good, Rafa, it was turning me into someone I didn’t like. Someone who said a horrible thing like that.” The memory is still painful. “I don’t want to go through that again, I really don’t.” He feels Rafa squeezing his hand.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“After I went with Melek it was such a relief to know I was just gay, there wasn’t anything wrong with me, it didn’t matter much what people thought. And on Tour he always protected me – he knew the players to avoid and the ones who were safe. I’ve had life easy – until now.”

“You should have talked to me. Like I keep saying.” He takes a pause for a kiss though.

“I can’t tell you all my secrets at once. They have to last us fifty years.”

“How many do you have, for fuck’s sake?”

“You’re just as bad. You know I’d be fine about you sleeping with a woman, why did you try and bring me into it? What was that about?”

Roger has a point. “I’d just be using her, I feel weird about that. Somehow it felt better if it was you as well” That doesn’t really make sense at all.

“You’ve been in love with every woman you’ve slept with? I can’t believe that.”

“No, but I was always open to it, I never slept with anyone knowing I couldn’t fall in love with them. It’s hard to explain.” It really isn’t, he just doesn’t want to.

“You’re afraid you might fall in love. That’s the truth”

“Roger, I would never….”

“You can’t be sure of that. No-one can”

“Then why give me permission?”

“Because you’re not gay and I don’t know what it feels like to be you. You might need this in the next fifty years, maybe denying yourself would be worse than letting it happen.”

“Maybe”

“Anyway, you tried to do without me once and it didn’t work – I think you’ll always come back”

“I think so too. Wait a moment” He gets out his phone and dials.

“Luciana, hi, thank you for the …err….suggestion but we’re all right, thanks……..no……. you are beautiful but I’m happily married……Not at all, it won’t affect it, I really like the sponsorship…..And you”

He puts the phone away and turns to Roger “Maybe someday I will need it, Roger, but not now. Remind me why I don’t.”

“Best idea I’ve heard all day”.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've actually given poor Roger my own partner's most annoying habit here! Rafa is totally 100% justified in his reation. But it seemed only fair to do a Roger POV as well.


	22. The Holiday

July 2014: Barcelona

Luis is completely in love with Maribel but her family – from that intimidating uncle to her very famous brother and brother -in-law – have proved something of a challenge.

“Remind me who everyone is on this holiday again.”

“You know Rafael and Roger, Felip is a friend of Rafael’s, Melek and Hakan are friends of Roger’s, Yusuf is their son and Feli and what’s-her-name…”

“Sophia”

“Sophia – are also friends of Rafael’s”

“And everyone speaks English?”

“Yes, but Felip will speak to Rafael in Catalan, Roger and Melek will speak in German and Melek and Hakan will speak in Turkish.”

“And what are the things I shouldn’t talk about again?”

“Well, I wouldn’t mention Novak to Roger and definitely not Wimbledon. Don’t ask Rafael is he’s gay, straight or just can’t make his mind up. Don’t ask about Yusuf’s birth parents. Those are the main things”

“This doesn’t sound like a very relaxing holiday, Maribel. Couldn’t we fly to the Bahamas – or even just stay at home?”

“You’ll be fine. Just smile and try not to say much.”  
   
July 2014:Manacor

“You really think Luis can be trusted, Rafa?”

“Who knows? But Maribel’s really serious about him – we have to trust her.”

“You’re right but I just don’t want another scandal at the moment.”

“He isn’t going to know why Felip is there. And Felip won’t betray us – he’s too fond of the A-List parties we get him into.”

“That’s true. And I want him there – I feel like a bit of excitement. I’m looking forward to this holiday, Rafa – it’ll be good to have a break.

“It will” Rafa is looking forward to the holiday as well, although mainly for Roger who he suspects is under more strain than he’s willing to admit.

“We can celebrate what a great season you’re having – I’m so happy for you, Rafa. Have I told you that before?” He pauses for a kiss.

“Lots of times.” Roger’s unfeigned pleasure gives him a warm glow. Things have been going great. The win in Rome – the sort of win he thought he’d never see again- good performances elsewhere, his ranking again one he can look at with pride. Roger is right – time to celebrate.

July 2014: London

“You really think this villa is going to be safe, Hakan? I’m not sure this holiday is a good idea.”

“We’ve been through all this, Melek. The grounds are completely enclosed, it’s an indoor pool and you can only get in the pool room with a smartcard.” Hakan tries to keep the exasperation out of his voice. “Yusuf’s really excited about it, you want to tell him we’re not going?”

“No, not really. It just seems a bit of an effort.”

“We could have left Yusuf with Anne and Baba. But you didn’t want to ask them” His parents had both assured Melek that they didn’t need Roger’s statement to know that the story was untrue, but still he no longer seems comfortable around them.

“No, I didn’t” He smiles at Hakan. “I’m sure we’ll enjoy it when we get there.”

“As long as I can remember who everyone is. Who’s Felip again?”

“Someone they like sharing a bed with.”

“Really? They’re taking a bit of a risk aren’t they?”

“Perhaps that’s half the fun.”

“It shows Roger can’t be that bothered about these stories doesn’t it? He’s not too worried about getting caught again.”

“I suppose not. At least it won’t be my fault this time.” He looks at his watch. “Are you going to pick him up? You know what they’re like if you’re even a minute late””

“No, you are.”

“Can’t you go?”

“Melek, I doubt anyone there even read the article – you have to get over this.”

“You’re right, I’ll go. Sorry for being a pain.”

“You’re never that.” It’s not entirely true, there’s a pain of helplessness that has lodged itself somewhere inside Hakan and become a permanent presence. Some things are a little better, Melek is sleeping properly again, he’s resumed giving lessons although he refuses to coach juniors, his love for Yusuf and indeed for Hakan himself is undimmed. Yet so much vitality and confidence seems to have drained away, surely not forever? There’s no reason to think this holiday will make a difference but Hakan has to have hope. What else is there?

July 2014: Italy

** Saturday **

Luis and Maribel have been the first to arrive after Roger and Rafa – the villa is amazing and Luis is actually beginning to look forward to the holiday. Smile a lot - don’t say too much.

“Feli and whats-her-name are here.” Maribel is looking out of the window.

“Sophia.”

“Whatever. We’d better go and meet them.” At least the first strangers are Spanish speakers.

He knows what Feli looks like from the TV although he’s more muscular than he expected. Sophia is attractive and composed, unbothered by her surroundings. They greet Rafa with a torrent of Spanish.

“Roger, hey man, bad luck at Wimbledon, another win for Novak eh?” Roger smiles politely but even Luis can see he’s not thrilled by the reminder. “Feli, how are you?”

“I’m great, man, love is good for me. Is there anything to drink?”

“Of course” Roger seems glad of the excuse to disappear.

“Maribel, lovely to see you again” Feli gives her a rather too affectionate kiss.

“And you, Feli. This is my boyfriend, Luis.”

“You’re a lucky man, Luis.”

“I know”

He’s rather glad to see Roger returning with the drinks – “Rafa will show you your room, Feli”

“Sure, man”

There’s an almost tangible air of relief when he’s gone. “He never changes, Roger.”

“I know Maribel but it wasn’t fair to invite just my friends and not Rafa’s. We’ll try and keep him away from the wine” He’s interrupted by the sound of a car drawing up. “And here are my friends.”

Luis gets little impression of Melek and Hakan except that they look serious and rather tired – not surprising if they’ve been travelling with a small child. But Roger certainly looks happier to see them than he did Feli. Perhaps it would be tactful just to make himself scarce – he glances over at Maribel.

“We’ll leave you to it Roger, you seem well in control.” He’s got Yusuf in his arms who’s demanding (loudly) to see the swimming pool he’s obviously been promised.

“You’re such a coward” But he’s smiling and Luis realises that Maribel is right, the world does seem a brighter place when he’s happy. As Yusuf’s voice escalates he’s not sorry for the chance to escape though.

“You see, Luis, all you need to do is smile and let everyone else do the hard work. We’re not here to do babysitting.”

No, it’ll all be fine.

  
                                                                       ****************************************

                                                                       ***************************************  
“Is he settled, Hakan?” Rafa had noticed how excited Yusuf was, not really suprising given the newness of everything.

“No, but Melek will have him off soon. He’s had loads of practice.”

There’s plenty of time, they’re still waiting for dinner to be delivered. Time for a catch-up first. Hakan’s visit to Mallorca had proved surprisingly enjoyable, he’d been a highly considerate house-guest, minimising the inconvenience. A dinner with Rafa’s family had also proved a great success, Hakan and Toni having an ardent but friendly discussion about politics. It had been fun. But Hakan had looked better on that occasion.

“Is everything alright with you? You seem tired.”

“I’m fine. But…” he’s hesitant but clearly needs to talk “things haven’t been quite right since the story broke”.

“Roger’s statement didn’t help?”

“It did, it’s good that everyone believed it. But it hasn’t made much difference to Melek. I know the whole thing was horrible but I don’t understand…….” His voice tails off in frustration.

“He hasn’t told you why?”

“He isn’t always big on explaining his feelings.”

“I know all about that.”

“I can’t blame him – he’s had a lot of painful things happen to him, why would he want to talk about them? But it makes it hard.”

“Do you think Roger could help? Will you talk to him?”

“I could try. But honestly…” the pause is so long that Rafa is about to change the subject “I know they’re close and that’s good but I’m his husband – it’s selfish I suppose but I want to be the one… you understand?”

“I understand perfectly.”

                                                                         ***********************************

                                                                         ***********************************  
“Melek, how are you man?” Bad timing – why did Yusuf drop off to sleep at precisely the wrong moment?

“I’m fine, Feli, where’s Sophia?”

“She’s still getting ready, you know what women are like, oh sorry man I suppose you don’t”

“So things are working out for you?”

“Oh man, she’s the best, you were right, all I needed was to stop thinking about myself all the time, you’re so cool, man.”

“Glad I could help.”

“And that story about you was so wrong, these people are shit aren’t they?”

“Feli, should we go downstairs? I’m sure dinner will be ready now.”

“Whatever you want, man.”

 

** Monday **

Tonight’s dinner had gone quite smoothly but some people had proved oblivious to hints – eventually he and Roger had managed to withdraw hoping that Felip would follow them after a suitable time-lag. Luckily he’d timed it just about perfectly.

“Harder, Rafael”

Strange that this had once felt like a betrayal because always now Rafa reaches a point where Roger and Felip seem to merge into one – somehow Felip becomes a Roger who shares his language, who doesn’t have any unseen scar tissue, who will urge Rafa into places he hasn’t been…..

“I can take more than that, Rafael, come on.”

There’s not much room for conscious thought but… Roger hasn’t had a freak-out in years and anyway Melek’s here – he can sort it out if it happens….

“More”

He’s completely lost any awareness beyond the moment now – he explodes with a ferocity that leaves him feeling exhilarated and exhausted all at once. It takes him a moment to remember his manners.

“You want a hand, Felip?”

“You don’t look capable. I’m good.”

Roger, thank God, doesn’t look like he’s having a freak-out but it’s hard to read his expression.

“You OK?”

“I…think so.”

“You liked?”

“I don’t know” He gets up off the bed. “I’m going to take a shower.”

Is nothing ever simple? Felip seems to pick up on the atmosphere. “I think you two need to talk about things”

Oh God, that always goes well. “Seems like it”

“See you tomorrow”

Fortunately Roger is smiling when he comes out of the shower.

“Has he gone?”

“Yes. Roger, are you sure you’re OK? You didn’t look like it was….upsetting you or I wouldn’t have….”

“It didn’t, not like you’re thinking. But Rafa, is that how you’ve always wanted it.....I mean, it’s not like we…. I never thought” He shrugs, looking uncertain.

Is that what he thinks? “Come here” He waits for Roger to settle. “It just felt good in the moment, Roger, but if you wanted Felip to go home tomorrow that would be fine. Nothing comes before you, you understand?”

“No, don’t do that” He laughs unexpectedly. “I swear Rafa, you’re straight but sometimes you’re more gay than me, you know?”

“Is that bad?”

“No, it just made me think. You want to hear about _my feelings_?”

“You really aren’t feeling well.”

“I didn’t freak out – that’s good – but it made me realise some things are closed off for me. Maybe I’d feel exactly the same - be the same person - if Stuttgart hadn’t happened but I’ll never know.”

He doesn’t sound particularly unhappy but he must be surely? “Roger, that is….sad.” It’s not easy to hear this..

“Not really, it made me grow up, maybe I wouldn’t be the same player now without it, I’ve always tried to be positive about that. Tonight just made me see - I lost things as well.”

“You think you could ever get them back?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know if it even matters. Sleep?”

“You’ve done enough talking?”

“Yeah.”

 

  **Tuesday**

“Melek, this is stupid. Why should I be the one to do this, you’re the expert here.”

“You don’t need me, Roger can actually hit a ball over a net.”

“Yes, but….” Hakan’s voice fades away in frustration. It had seemed like a really nice idea, Roger and Yusuf playing a bit of mini-tennis – he doesn’t understand….

“I’ve just got comfortable, I have a good book (which Hakan suspects will go unread) – I don’t want to move” He smiles up at him “You’re the one always telling me it’s OK to take a break”

There isn’t much Hakan can say to that – it’s perfectly true but he knows it isn’t the real reason. He can’t say much in front of Yusuf though.

“Come with me,Yusuf, we need to find Roger”

“Don’t be cross with Daddy, Baba, I don’t like it”

Oh fuck, this musn’t happen. “I’m not cross with Daddy, don’t worry.” It’s a relief to get to the court.

“Didn’t expect you to be here, Hakan.”

“Is that OK? Melek’s a bit tired.”

“He’s got so lazy since he stopped playing. Never mind, Yusuf, let’s start you on the road to Wimbledon.”

And it’s a lot of fun – Roger is great with kids, Rafa had been good as well when they’d stayed in Mallorca – probably time that they started thinking of that for themselves. For a while he forgets all the other problems – only at the end of the session does the constant nagging worry return. What is he supposed to do?

  
**Wednesday**

“Luis, what’s been up with you today? Are you really not enjoying it here? Or is it something I’ve done?”

Should he tell her? How do you know the right thing to do in this situation? But one thing is clear.

“It’s nothing you’ve done, Maribel. Absolutely not”

“That’s good but I’d still like to know”

“Rafael and Roger – do you think they’re happy?”

“What on earth brought that on?”

“Tell me what you think first.”

She takes that seriously. “They have their ups and downs, they’re such different people. But they seem as much in love as ever – I remember when my brother first fell in love with Roger – he looks at him the same way now as he did then. You have me worried though.”

He’d better tell her. “When I was walking round the grounds earlier I saw Rafael with Felip – they didn’t see me – they were…..kissing.”

He hadn’t expected Maribel to burst out laughing.

“Luis, why do you think he’s here?”

“I thought he was a friend of Rafael’s”

“I suppose he is in a way.”

“You don’t mean…..and Roger doesn’t mind?”

“Definitely not.”

“Maribel, I’ve never known a family like yours.”

“Do you mind?”

“I don’t mind anything that’s yours.”

“Good. Because I can’t get rid of them.”

 

**  Thursday **

Melek has managed to avoid Feli most of the time but lying in the sun was so pleasant he’d let down his guard.

“Hey man, I keep looking for you. How come you’re never around?”

“Just bad luck, Feli. Where’s Sophia?”

“Having a rest. We’re tiring each other out at the moment, if you know what I mean.”

“Thanks for telling me that.”

“No problem. It’s all down to you man, you told me I was thinking too much about myself and you were so right. I’m a changed man”

“Can’t say I’ve noticed any huge change, Feli.” He shouldn’t really have said that but there are limits.

“No man, I’m totally different, that’s why I’ve noticed you don’t seem like yourself, what’s wrong?”

Oh god, he must look like absolute shit if even Feli’s noticed.

“Nothing, I’m having a great holiday.“ He is actually enjoying it when people leave him alone.

“I don’t believe it, man. Something’s not right”

Fuck him, what business is it of his?

“Feli, there’s nothing wrong – I’m just getting some _alone time_ which every parent needs. So please fuck off.”

“Whatever you say, man. But I’m right.”

He finally takes the hint but the damage is done, the relaxed mood has gone. It doesn’t matter though – Hakan and Yusuf are just returning from another session of mini-tennis.

“Daddy, I can beat Roger at tennis now.”

“That must have made him happy.”

“I want you to watch me.”

“What if I play tennis with you tomorrow? Give Roger a rest.”

“OK, can I go and tell him?”

“You do that.” He runs off happily, Roger is becoming his new hero.

“Melek, why are you avoiding Roger?”

“I’m not, I was talking to him at dinner last night.”

“Surrounded by other people, it’s not the same.”

“I’ve known Roger for twelve years now, we don’t have to have cosy little chats all the time.”

“It’s not like you. You can’t keep pretending everything is OK”

Not Hakan too. “What isn’t OK, Hakan? I’m getting on with my life, I’m caring for my son, I’m not hanging around looking miserable, what more do you want from me?”

“I want you to be…” He trails off. “Forget it. I’d better make sure Yusuf isn’t pestering Roger too much.”

The relaxed mood is completely gone now.

 

**  Thursday night **

“He’s doing _what_?”

“He’s with Feli and Sophia. Sophia was very keen on the idea, according to Feli.”

“He prefers them to us? What’s happening to us, Rafa?”

“It’s not that surprising. He likes women as well, he’ll be having fun.”

“Yes, but…”

Rafa hadn’t expected Roger to mind this much. “Am I not enough for you?” It’s hard not to feel insulted.

“Of course you are, I think it’s me that’s the issue.” Roger seems to be struggling to hold back tears.

“You’re going to have to tell me _your feelings_ here Roger.”

“You’ll wish I hadn’t.”

“Try me”  
“I’m losing matches, I’m not the best player in the world any more, I can’t sleep with women, I can’t handle sex that’s too rough, my best friend looks like shit and I don’t know how to help him, I _feel_ a bit useless at the moment.”

“Do I have to solve all those at once?”

“Please.”

“Do you think you need some coaching help? I know you’ve been with Peter a long time and you don’t want to upset him but….”

“That’s not a problem, he’s suggested we bring someone in to freshen things up. I guess I just don’t want to admit I can’t solve this on my own. But you’re right.”

“I am. And sex with you is amazing, Roger, it always has been, nothing’s changed. I’d kill the man who hurt you if I could but for me, you’re great as you are. But I don’t know how to help Melek, I know Hakan’s worried.”

“I’ll have to try and get him to talk, but he’s not much better than me at that. What were you saying about sex?”

“Did I solve all the problems?”

“No. But I love you for trying. What was that about sex again?”

“Actions are better than words.”

 

**  Friday **

“Man, you were right all along, I should have tried it out years ago.”

“Feli, you know how I told you to fuck off? Which bit was unclear?”

“I thought you’d be pleased. I’m converted man, well I still think women are the best but it’s nice to have a change.”

“I’m glad we’re entertaining you Feli. My life has meaning now”

“Don’t mention it.” He moves away as he sees Hakan approaching “Your husband is hot.”

“FELI….”

“What’s up with him?”

“He got his dick sucked last night. By a guy”

“What the hell….? Please tell me Roger didn’t….”

“No, it was that asshole Felip. I told Roger he was trouble, but he always knows best. Feli will think every gay man in Europe is longing to get him off, none of us are safe.”

“Feli is cute, maybe we should ask him to join us.”

“I’d sooner get fucked by a banana, it would have more brains. What are you laughing at?”

“You sound like yourself, it’s been a while.”

“Hakan, don’t….”

“OK, there’s something we need to discuss anyway. I’ve just had a call from Lucy.”

“There’s a problem?”

“Ceren is pregnant again, they’ve just found out. They don’t think she’ll be able to keep the baby – nothing’s changed in her life.”

“Oh.”

“Lucy wants to know whether we’d adopt the baby if that happens, we’d be their first choice”

“Hakan, I don’t know if we can cope.”

“This is Yusuf’s sibling, Melek, and a baby… think of that, we’d be its parents right from the beginning.”

“Yes, but… what if I fail?”

“Why would you? Yusuf is transformed since he came to us, everyone says so. And most of that is down to you.”

“I don’t think I can….”

“Melek.” He kneels down and takes Melek’s hands in his. “We can’t keep going on like this, I can’t watch you do this to yourself.”

“Hakan….”

“When we get back to London, you need to see a doctor or a counsellor or something.”

“You’re telling me I’m mental now? Thanks a bunch.”

“Of course not….we all need help sometimes.”

“Well, I don’t. I just need people to leave me alone.”

“Well, you’ve got your wish.” Hakan gets up. “I hope you enjoy it.”

 

** Friday night**

The crash is loud enough to wake the dead, followed by a copious amount of German swearing.

“What the fuck…?”

“Melek” Roger heaves himself out of the bed “The fucker can’t avoid me now.”

“Good luck.” Rafa settles back under the duvet.

“Thanks, I’ll need it.” He meets Hakan on the landing, looking as if he hasn’t slept in a month.

“You want me to leave this with you, Hakan?”

There is a long pause, Hakan never decides anything in a hurry. “No, you go, Roger, I’m getting nowhere with him.” God, he looks a mess.

“I probably won’t do any better.”

“Just try”

Downstairs Melek is looking at the wreck of the coffee machine as if it’s going to mend itself.

“Fuck, I’m sorry Roger, did I wake everyone up?”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s two o clock in the morning, why are you making coffee?”

“I couldn’t sleep, I thought I’d have a coffee and read a book. But…”

“Forget it. Come here.” He takes him by the arm and pulls them both onto a nearby sofa, taking Melek into his arms. “Stay with me for a while.”

“This feels weird.”

“Of course it feels weird, because for once I have your back.”

“Are you feeling all right? There’s nothing wrong between you and Rafa is there?”

“Melek, you’re driving me up the fucking wall. Just be quiet.”

“OK”.

It does feel weird but it’s good too. And Melek can break the silence when he’s ready, which is not for a long while.

“Aren’t you going to ask _what’s wrong with me_ , Roger?”

“I don’t need to. You lost your family, you got fucked up by what happened in Stuttgart just like I did, you’ve become a parent, you had the bastards in the press hounding you. That’s too much for anybody”

“I’m alright.”

“Say it like you mean it.”

“Hakan thinks I should see a counsellor. Like I’m a total screw-up”

“Good idea. I’ll get Oliver to contact you.”

“Oliver the _fucking tosspot_?”

“He was quite a helpful fucking tosspot. I’ll tell him he can share anything I said with you, that might be useful.”

“You don’t need to do that.”

“I don’t mind. I’ve never had secrets from you.”

“Perhaps you should have. I’m sorry that….I keep letting you down.”

“You really do need a shrink if that’s the crap you’ve got in your head”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Do that.”

“You should get back to bed.”

“The sofa’s fine. Don’t move.”

“OK”

  
  
** Saturday**

The last thing Luis had expected to find as he went in search of his morning coffee was Roger and Melek wrapped up together on the sofa still fast asleep. A quick glance at the floor reveals that coffee isn’t going to happen either. He heads back upstairs

“Maribel, I don’t understand your family at all, honestly.”

“Neither do I. You’re sure it’s not a problem?”

“It’s fine. Life will never be boring.”

“No, it’s never that.”

  
                                                                *****************************************

                                                                *****************************************

“Melek, I’m sorry for getting upset with you, I won’t force you into another adoption if it’s not what you want.”

“I can’t decide about that now but you were right, Hakan, there’s no use pretending everything’s OK. Even that idiot Feli could see something was wrong”

“And talking to Roger helped?”

“Both of you ganging up on me… I can’t fight that off, can I? Easier to do what you say.”

“Much easier. We both love you, you know that?”

“I know”.

                                                           ****************************************

                                                           ****************************************

“You’re going to put Melek in touch with Oliver? That _fucking tosspot_ , that _annoying fucker_?”

“He wasn’t that bad, I was a bit harsh.”

“I’m glad you could help.”

“Bit early to know. At least he’s not avoiding me any more.”

“So one problem solved?”

“Not really, but better than it was. And I will look seriously at getting another coach in.”

“What about Toni?”

“You’ve got to be kidding unless you like family funerals. Two of them”

“Maybe it’s not a good idea. But he could be available soon.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m thinking about this being my last year.”

“Don’t be an idiot. You’re playing great at the moment.”

“I know, I’m loving it, winning in Rome showed me how much I’d missed those feelings. I don’t want to go back to being No 20 and never winning the big ones. I’ll talk to you more when we get home but it feels right, Roger.”

“You have to be sure.”

“Like I said, we’ll talk about it at home. And about the future.”

“If you do retire are you ready to talk about children?”

“Totally ready”

“So am I”.  
 


	23. The F*cking Tosspot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't sure whether to post this or not - it feels a bit self-indulgent maybe. But there's more on the psychology and background of the characters.
> 
> Thank you to everyone reading and, as ever, if you want it to continue please leave a comment.

September 2014: London

The voice through the phone is unexpected but unmistakeable.

"Hi Oliver, it's me, Roger"

"Hello, Roger, what can I do for you?"

"I was wondering if you could try and help a friend of mine, do you remember I talked about Melek?"

"I do. Is he looking for counselling help?"

"Well..." Oliver had thought there might be a well... "Me and his husband have kind of ...talked him into it."

"Roger, no therapy will be of any use unless the client wants to engage with it."

"Honestly, I think he does, he just doesn't want to admit it, he's like that. But I was really hoping you could cheer him up a bit"

Few clients had ever challenged Oliver's professional politeness in the way that Roger had. _Cheer him up???_ And yet.....

"I can talk to him Roger. But I need to be sure that this is what _he_ wants."

"That's fine. And Oliver, you can share anything we talked about if you - if you think it would help."

"Are you absolutely sure about that? I don't want a claim that I've breached confidentiality."

"I can put it in writing if you want."

"No, that's OK. " He takes down all the details. "I think that's everything."

"Thank you for this Oliver, I really appreciate it. And.....I don't think I ever thanked you properly - the flashbacks are much better since I saw you - I'm grateful."

"I'm glad to hear that." He ends the conversation, still unsure if he's doing the right thing. Roger had been a frustrating client in many ways, fitting sessions around his tennis schedule had been a nightmare. The sessions themselves had also proved to be a serious challenge; it had not been at all difficult to sense what Roger was feeling, in fact it would have been rather hard not to, yet he himself often struggled to describe and make sense of his emotions. But Oliver had also found him immensely likeable, he has had a few famous clients and often found them all too used to putting themselves first and others second. That had not been the case with Roger, obviously very much in love with his boyfriend but also caring deeply about this friend. It won't do any harm to at least talk to him.

                                            September 2014: London

It had been a strange conversation, especially over the phone - a complete stranger asking about your problems - things you wouldn't talk about with your close friends. Melek feels as if he has been giving very brief answers but what else is he supposed to do? But he has to admit that some of Oliver's questions have been quite perceptive.

"My final question is the most important one - do you actually want to go ahead with this? If you feel under pressure from other people then this isn't going to be successful."

Does he? Does he want to lay bare his painful history to a stranger, someone paid to listen to him? What good will it do to go over the past that can't be changed? And yet he has spent a good part of his life worrying about other people, about making Roger feel better, supporting his husband, trying to understand his son who has his own history of pain and neglect. Would it hurt to have someone worry about him for a change, to have someone devote fifty minutes of their life every week to trying to understand his feelings?

"I do. I don't know if it will help but I want to try it"

"Thank you. Then we'll discuss the practical arrangements."

That doesn't take too long. But there is one point Melek had forgotten to make earlier.

"I know Roger said he would give you permission to tell me anything he said. That doesn't apply to me - I don't want things I might say shared with Roger."

"Of course not. I very much doubt I'll make use of the permission anyway. These sessions will be about you - hearing Roger's feelings and views might be confusing and they're really not relevant."

That makes sense and it's a relief. He's not even sure why it's important but it is. "Is that everything?"

"Yes. I will see you in two weeks time"

The conversation has been somewhat exhausting, but it's a relief to have made a decision, Hakan will be pleased. He does actually feel a little better after the holiday, admitting that things were not OK has lightened the atmosphere. He also has more energy for sex which has certainly helped. But he's no closer to making a decision on another adoption, he dreads letting Hakan down but things still feel so fragile. Maybe Oliver will help there, who knows?

                                                         

                                                      _November_ _2010: Basel_

"Roger, perhaps you can tell me in your own time what made you consider counselling?"

"Errm.... I have these - kind of - freakouts."

"Can you tell me a bit more about them?"

"They're like bad memories - then I just go - weird"

"Can you tell me more about these bad memories?"

Roger's discomfort couldn't be more plain. "I had some bad sex when I was a teenager - the memories are of that. They've been happening for years, I'm used to them but....they upset Rafa."

"Is that the reason you've sought counselling now?"

"Yes. He thought I should see whether someone could help. Can they be stopped?"

"They sound like flashback memories and there are certainly techniques that can help with those. They may never stop entirely though."

"That's OK. So long as I can tell Rafa what to do - he hates not being able to help."

There are some complexities here which Oliver will need to unravel. "Roger, if these flashbacks are linked to a particular event then we'll need to explore that. That might not be entirely comfortable for you."

"I know, I've never wanted to talk about it. But I can't keep hurting Rafa - I need to do something."

Oliver had not expected anything like this - he'd assumed he'd been flown over here (in first-class) because of an issue related to tennis. Giving advice about keeping calm on break-points hadn't seemed like it was going to be too stressful. This is quite different - someone clearly affected by an unresolved trauma and embarking on counselling just to please someone else; it is not, in Oliver's experience, a recipe for a successful outcome. And yet this is a man with huge amounts of fame, money and success whose first thought is for the man he loves. How do you say to such a man "No, I won't try to help?"

"I think we can work together, Roger. Let's talk about the practicalities."

 

October 2014: London

Oliver had gathered from the phone conversation that there was going to be a lot to work with but he decides to start with the obvious.

"Tell me more about the website article - you think that was the triggering point?"

"Did you see it?"

"I did. I know some of it was untrue, Roger told me how you became involved. But maybe you could talk about the rest of it" The permission proves useful after all - probably it will allow for some short-cutting.

"That was the worst part, the lies about me."

"So the rest of the article wasn't too big a problem?"

"I didn't really want the threesome to be news either."

"How did you feel about that?"

"Guilty. It was pretty much my idea and Mark was my friend, I should never have trusted him."

"You were worried about the effect of the article on Roger?"

There's a noticeable pause. "I suppose so although he didn't seem too bothered about it."

"But that didn't make you feel less guilty?"

"It shouldn't have happened."

It's not as easy to read Melek as it was to read Roger but it feels like something is significant here. Perhaps......

"Can you tell me more about the evening - it was after the Wimbledon win wasn't it?"

"Is it relevant?"

"I don't know yet. Do you feel uncomfortable talking about it?"

"A bit. We'd partied and we were both pretty drunk, it seemed like a good idea at the time."

"Was it not enjoyable?"

"Oh yes, it was" Oliver notices a hint of tears.

"For you and for Roger?"

"Especially for Roger. He was so.....free, happy, I loved seeing him like that."

"He was different to normal?"

"Roger's a happy person. But sex.... I always had to be careful...you know what happened right?"

"Yes."

"I suppose..." Melek's voice tails away. "I don't know what I'm trying to say."

"Perhaps that night you felt you didn't have to be careful?"

"That's probably it. It was fun but wild too ..like sex should be."

"So that night the sex was different to how it normally was between you?"

"Can we leave this now, please, I really want to stop."

"Of course. Take your time."

                                             

_ January 2011:Manacor_

Whilst the infrequency of sessions does create problems it has one important benefit - it stops Oliver actually killing Roger, which he  probably would do if he saw him more frequently.

"Can you tell me a little bit more about how these freak-outs of yours feel, Roger?"

"I just go...weird."

"Weird?"

"Yeah, you know...sort of...odd."

Oliver reflects on his professional training. Where was the session about wanting to strangle your client? That had never been on the syllabus. He decides on a different tack.

"Can we go back to the triggers? You only have them during sex?"

"Yes."

"And they can happen at any time during sex?"

"Pretty much."

"So there's nothing specific setting them off?"

"Not really. Once it was when....someone else was getting hurt."

"And they can happen with any one?"

That gives Roger pause, as if he's never thought of it before. "No, actually they've only happened with Rafa and Melek."

"Melek?"

"He's a friend of mine."

"Would you say he's a close friend?"

"Yes."

"So these have only happened when you've been having sex with people you're close to?"

For the first time Roger looks engaged in the process. "Does that mean something?"

"Possibly. It may mean you feel safe with them - that you can let down your guard."

Roger looks truly engaged now. "That's.....true. I do feel safe with both of them...especially Melek"

"Can you tell me more?"

"He's always looked out for me." His face lights up in a smile. Oliver had seen Rafa caught in the cameras when they came out - he had realised how much an obviously reserved and private man was hating it and wondered why he was prepared to endure it. Now he understands. "But I'm glad I feel safe with Rafa too, he's always been...." the smile fades "I think he's always been a bit insecure."

"About your relationship?"

"Yes. It was hard to make it work, obviously. Rivals don't normally fall in love"

"No. Can you tell me what is it you love about Rafa?"

"Because he's Rafa."

Strangling would really be too easy a death to give Oliver full satisfaction. Something more painful.......

"Could you explain a little more?"

"He's beautiful. And funny...and.....passionate, I don't just mean sex - I mean everything. And....he makes me feel that I'm those things too."

"Have you told him that?"

"He knows I love him."

"But he's insecure?"

"Yes."

"Why do you think that is?"

"I don't know"

Yes, slow and painful is definitely the way to go.......

October 2014 :London

"How old were you when you told your parents you were gay?"

"Seventeen"

"And they didn't think it acceptable for you to be gay?"

"No, it's not approved of in our culture. Most Turkish gays lead double lives, they pretend to their families and fuck men on the side."

"Is it about religion?"

"Partly. But they also think it makes you German - being gay is something Germans are, not Turkish people."

"Did your family find out by accident?"

"No, I told them."

"Can you tell me why you decided to do that?"

"Why should I have to live a lie?"

That wasn't quite the answer Oliver was expecting. He takes some time to think.

"You shouldn't, obviously. But that doesn't quite answer my question. How exactly did it happen that you told them?"

He doesn't get an immediate response. "We were having an argument."

"Do you remember what the argument was about?"

"I don't remember how it started. But they were saying how I was too.....full of myself, thinking I was better than they were, that kind of thing." He looks down at his hands.

"Had you had that type of argument before?"

"Sort of. They were always... I don't know the word in English....... about my tennis - they were proud of me in a way but then they'd make comments about how I thought I was too good for them now.  And..... my friend Sebastian they'd call him "your _German_ friend" like that - it was strange because I had German friends at school - they didn't mind that. But tennis was different"

"In English the word we'd use is ambivalent - they possibly weren't even sure themselves how they felt about it."

"It's the same word in German."

"So the argument?"

Melek looks up at the ceiling. "We were arguing and they were saying this stuff and I was just fed up with it. So it just came out - "I'm actually gay as well, I'm your worst fucking nightmare for a son." Then they said all kinds of ...... things and I walked out."

"Did you have anywhere to go?"

"I went to Sebastian's - his parents had always liked me. They took me in until I could afford to live on my own."

"And you never spoke to your parents again? Or any of your family?"

"I have a cousin who keeps in touch. He tells me if anyone's died"

"Have you ever tried to contact them?"

"No."

"You don't think your parents would be willing to try again?"

"Of course they wouldn't"

"So you've never tried...?"

"You don't know anything about it Oliver, you don't know anything about being Turkish in Germany or being Turkish and gay. So fuck off."

"That's not acceptable...."

"No it wasn't, I'm really sorry about that. I suppose this is just....painful."

"I know. And you're right - I don't know about these things, but I need to ask about them if I'm to help you."

There's no answer then Melek smiles unexpectedly in a way that reminds Oliver of Roger. "You must wish you'd never met Roger, you've got stuck with me and I bet he was annoying too."

"He had his moments. But he was worth it, like you."

                                                                                _March 2011:Manacor_

"Were you nervous about sex after that?"

"Not too much. I just decided I wasn't going to get fucked...do you mind the language?"

"I'm a grown man Roger."

"So it was OK but... I didn't like feeling I was afraid."

"That was important to you?"

"Yes" Roger looks suddenly serious and years older. "You should understand - if you're gay that's the way you have sex - would you want to be eighteen and thinking "I'm too afraid to have sex with a woman, ever?" I wanted to fall in love some day and I wanted him to be able to fuck me, you get that?"

"I do".

"I told a friend of mine what I wanted and he helped."

"Melek?"

"Yes."

"Why did you choose him?"

"He was the only person who knew about Stuttgart and I trusted him. But even then......" his voice trails off.

"That's when you started having flashbacks?"

"Yes. He said I should top him - so I could see it didn't have to hurt. But when I tried - it was like I was back there, I didn't know where I was, I think I was shaking. But then - Melek was holding me and talking - and I came out of it."

"Did you talk about it with him?"

"No, I didn't want to. But he must have guessed."

"And you've had flashbacks since?"

"Not that often but sometimes. It didn't matter with Melek - he was used to them. But Rafa.... they upset him a lot more"

"Does he know what's happening?"

"'He does now. But the first time he was terrified - I don't think he's got over that."

"Can you tell me about that first time?"

Roger looks somewhat embarrassed. "He was getting slapped by this guy - not badly, loads of guys like that and he wanted it, he was in control. But I heard him crying out and...I couldn't stand it, even when the flashback stopped I couldn't get over it somehow. But Melek was around luckily so he came and got me out of it."

"Rafa saw Melek coax you out of it?"

"Yes. Like I said, lucky he was there."

Oliver remembers the words of his first supervisor "Sarcasm will destroy your attempt to build empathy with your client, Oliver, you need to get it out of your system." David would be proud of him now.

"You said Rafa was insecure about your relationship, Roger. Do you think that incident might have contributed to that?"

"It might have done, I suppose. Oliver, do you think these flashbacks can be stopped? You didn't seem sure last time."

"I certainly think I'll be able to help. But like I said, it may not be easy for you."

"I think I've been kidding myself about some things, Oliver."

That's unexpected from Roger - Oliver isn't sure where it came from.

"You want to tell me more?"

"I said it was just bad sex didn't I - that's what I'd always told myself. But after our first session I realised it wasn't true. The guy wanted me to be hurt - he lied to me."

"Can you explain - take your time."

"There isn't much to say. He told me we didn't need all the prep and stuff then........ he said it would get better when I tried to get him to stop. In the end I just...waited for it to be over. Which took a while." He looks away from Oliver and then back. "He even apologised afterwards - like he hadn't meant to do it. But of course he did."  He rubs at his eyes, he'd sounded calm enough but Oliver can see what it's taken out of him. "I feel stupid for not realising."

"You shouldn't. You did what you needed to do to protect yourself."

"I suppose so. And it helped with tennis, somehow it was easier to control myself on court - I knew I could get through things. And Melek...."

"It changed things with him?"

"We were good friends before. But after that - I knew I could count on him for anything - I still feel - safe - with him somehow, I can't describe it - it's not about sex - I just need... that contact sometimes "

There's something Oliver had missed "Roger, were you involved sexually with Melek before Stuttgart?"

"Yes, he was the first guy I went with, when I was seventeen. But we hadn't fucked - I was so stupid not to wait."

"And you didn't sleep with anyone else before Stuttgart?"

"No"

"So Melek is the only person who knew your body before that happened?"

"The only man, yes. Does that mean something?"

"I wonder whether you slip back into that body for a while when you're with him ...perhaps that's part of why you feel safe." Despite the fact he's seen Roger cry in public quite a few times he's not really prepared for it here. He gives him the time to finish.

"That makes sense." He looks exhausted - Oliver probably should have stopped him quite a while ago.

"Roger, you need to leave it for today - I think you've got quite enough to think about."

"So do I".

 

January 2015:London

"So you agreed to help Roger because you felt responsible for what happened?"

"Yes, it was up to me to put things right."

"Did you think that was going to be possible?"

That gives Melek pause. "I don't know what I thought, I suppose that wasn't likely. But I couldn't say no, I'd done that before and look how that turned out."

"And do you think you did help Roger?"

"Yes." He sounds more certain than Oliver had expected. "He was different afterwards, he was happier, I think he was proud that he'd faced up to things."

"And you, how did the whole experience affect you?"

"That wasn't the issue, was it?"

"I think you're avoiding looking at this, Melek."

"Maybe"

"So....?"

"Roger didn't really understand what he was asking me to do."

"Can you explain?"

"He thought it was just like learning anything, you know - use plenty of lube, one finger, two, three - job done, lifetime of pain-free fucking. But it wasn't like that for me."

"Can you....?"

"You're never happy, are you Oliver?"

"No, that's my job. Carry on."

"Roger was afraid, it didn't matter what his mind wanted, his body had other ideas. A lot of guys would have been turned on by that but I'm not one of them."

"I see."

"I mean, what was I supposed to do? Let Roger down or become someone who likes fucking men who are frightened? Become someone I hate"

"And did you?"

"What?"

"Become someone you hate."

"I don't know. I did my job, if that's what you mean."

"And what about since? Did you seek out men who were afraid, for instance?"

"No. Some guys are into those games but it's not my thing."

"So it seems you didn't become that person you hate."

"I had to for a while."

"Yes. But you did it to help Roger and you've said yourself, it worked. And you've had no desire to become that person again."

"I suppose not."

"And did it affect your relationship with Roger afterwards?"

Melke takes a while to think. "No, I just put it to one side. I was glad Roger was happy and after that, we just had sex when it was convenient, it was always easy. I don't think sex is what connects us really."

"I agree. I think you gave that up to help Roger."

"I don't understand."

"You said yourself - you had to be careful, both for Roger's sake and your own. You never had the chance to be sexual with Roger in a way that was fulfilling for you. Maybe a part of you regrets that."

"I don't regret not having a relationship with Roger - we would have killed each other."

"Possibly. But it might still have been fun for a while, you're allowed to have mixed feelings."

Melek is silent for a long while. "I understand what you're saying. But I'm glad things turned out the way they did. I wouldn't change what we have now just for great fucks and a messy break-up."

"That's fine. But as I say you're allowed to feel two things at once."

"I suppose so".

                                                        *******************************************

"Daddy, I passed Stage 3 today." Yusuf had been stuck on that level for a while.

"That's amazing Yusuf." He smiles over at Hakan.

"In Stage 4 you do proper swimming - that's what Kevin said. I'm going to Melissa's class"

"And Kevin is always right." Kevin has been amazingly patient - and will probably be having a good celebration tonight. "Do you want to play Bus Stop?"

"No, Daddy, it's my telly time, Baba said I could have longer because I passed."

Melek raises an eyebrow, Hakan is studiously looking elsewhere.

"You do that, I'm going to talk to Baba."

"OK"

"What happened to cutting down on TV time?"

"We'll start tomorrow. How did it go with Oliver?"

"It was interesting" But he can't stop smiling.

"What happened?"

How does Melek start to explain? That he's thinking of all that would have happened if he and Roger had fucked themselves into thinking a relationship was a good idea. No Yusuf - the thought of that is unbearable. No Hakan - a man who never speaks a word without thinking through the implications, who worries constantly about saving the world, who savours his work with a quiet passion unrelated to material gain. And yet in bed he becomes wild and uninhibited as if shedding off a skin, Melek loves that about him, it's as if they share a secret from the whole world - he looks at him and thinks "No-one but me knows who this man truly is."  And Roger - during that week in London they had laughed and insulted each other by day then at night Roger had climbed into his bed and curled up beside him. He had been somewhat vague on the extent of his permission from Rafa when Melek had tried to question him, but in fact they had barely even talked - instead they had just relaxed into the peace and security of their shared knowledge that they will never hurt each other. There is so much he would have lost.

"Not much. He just made me realise some things have really turned out well for me."

"He's worth the money then."

"And double."

 

                                                                                _April 2011: Manacor_

"The advice you gave me worked pretty well, Oliver, I had the memories but somehow - it didn't feel like I was back there."

"Good. And Rafa?"

"He was fine. I felt more in control - I could talk to him.  That meant a lot to him I think"

"It must have done."

"So I think we can finish the sessions now, I feel like I'm not going to have many flashbacks and if I do....I can cope."

"Of course, if you're happy to do that." But it still feels like there's unfinished business. "Roger, you said Rafa was insecure about your realtionship, have you talked to him about that?"

"Not really, you made me see he's always been insecure about Melek, but I can't do anything about that."

"Nothing?"

"No, I mean he knows I'm not in love with Melek, that's not the problem."

"Then what do you think is the problem?"

Oliver will never get used to Roger's disconcerting habit of suddenly looking ten years older. "He thinks there's a bit of me that's Melek's and not his. He's probably right but it's not going to change, Melek's important to me and I won't give him up. Even if I wanted to I couldn't - he's lost too much already - I could never live with myself."

"You've discussed that with Rafa?"

"No, it's private. I couldn't explain anyway, not in words."

"Not to me either?"

"No, although you guessed some of it."

"And you don't think that's an issue?"

"It's an issue just like him being straight is an issue. Someday he might fall in love with a woman and then where would I be?"

"That worries you?"

"No, it's just something I live with - he's worth it. He'll have to live with this about me too."

"You can always come back if you ever feel the need to discuss further."

"I will. And thank you."

 

March 2015: London

 "So how do _you_ feel things are now, Melek, that's the important thing isn't it?"

"I do feel better, I have more energy, I'm enjoying things more. But...." he doesn't even know what's beyond that. Oliver doesn't make any attempt to rescue him.

"I don't even know why everything hit me so hard. And I don't feel any better about making big decisions - I'm happy enough in the present but what about the future - I can't drift along forever. It's been good talking to you Oliver but I'm not sure I'm any further forward"

"Are we talking about another adoption? That's the biggest decision in your immediate future isn't it?"

"Yes, I know how much Hakan wants it but I'm just....not sure."

"Would you like a second child?"

"Yes, but...how do I know if I'm doing the right thing?"

"You can't be sure about anything. But you've made big decisions before - why is this one so different?"

"Because...I've got so many things wrong, with my family, with Roger, with everything."

"Was it the article that started this off?"

"I suppose so, it made me think....should I have even slept with him in the first place? I knew I'd let him down in Stuttgart...and my family, everyone thinks it's so sad that my family rejected me but maybe it wasn't like that - maybe I just provoked a row like a stroppy teenager - what if I'd given them time?"

Oliver says nothing for a while - his most irritating habit.

"What do you think the connection is between all these issues, Melek?"

"That I'm pretty useless?"

"I think you want things to be clearer than they can be. You can't ever be sure you've made a right decision - and your motives will always be mixed. But from our conversations it seems to me that you at least try to make decisions which don't hurt other people, even when it's made things hard for you. And as for your family - in effect you have given them time. Why don't you find out whether that's made a difference?"

"What if they did want to see me - wouldn't that prove I'd just been a stroppy teenager all along?"

"Or it might prove that you were right to give them space and time. Does it matter?"

"I suppose not."

"So will you think about these things?"

"I will."

                                                                     ***************************************

"Hakan, I need to talk to you about some things."

"Good things?"

"Maybe. I'd like to go ahead with the adoption but I'm.....honestly....scared out of my mind"

"You'll be fine Melek...I know you can handle it."

"That's not really what I need to hear. I need to know we're handling this together - that I can lean on you sometimes. That if I make bad decisions - you'll be there to put things right."

"We'll be in this together, we'll manage. And I promise to stop you doing anything stupid."

"Good. Do you think I'd be stupid to try again with my family?"

"We'd need to talk about it. You've never really told me how it was."

"No. But I will do."

                                                       ********************************************

                                                       ********************************************

May 2015: London

"Hi Oliver, it's me Roger"

"How could I ever forget. What can I do for you Roger?"

"It's sort of about Rafa."

"Yes?"

"Well, we're having big discussions at the moment, about his future, about adoption, he was wondering...he thought it might be helpful to talk to you."

"Roger, this may surprise you to learn but I do have other clients. I can't drop everything for you."

"I know, but if you could squeeze us in at all, I'd be so grateful."

Really, Oliver should just put the phone down straight away. But it is Roger.......

"Let me look at my schedule."

 

 


	24. Changes Part 1

November 2015: London O2 Arena

Rafa has had to wait a while for all the interviews to be finished but it's been helped by the joy of anticipation. Sex with Roger when he has that special buzz and tingle that only winning a title and beating Novak in the Final can bring. 

"Can I top?" He really wants Roger to say yes.

"Sure." Shouldn't he be bored of Roger's grins by now? Should they still make his nerves vibrate? Roger seems unimpressed. "Stop looking so dopey, get on with it."

"Sorry" He takes his revenge by keeping his tongue and fingers slow even by Roger's exacting standards, he can feel him getting twitchy so he lubes up with meticulous care. "Am I annoying you?"

He's surprised when Roger turns round and grasps him by the wrist. "No. You should make certain. Because I want you not to be careful - I want you to forget about that."

Jesus. "Are you sure?"

"Yes" He's sitting up fully, letting go of his wrist but only so he can grasp him under the chin. "You remember how it used to feel when you were facing me across the net? That's who I want to see, that's who I want you to be. Are you up for that?"

Does he remember? That fierce desire to show Roger who was the better player, to prove himself superior, to show the world what he could do to this man, this artist. God, does he remember.

"Come here." He pulls him off the bed and stands him up against the wall, summoning up the last remnants of self control while he spreads out Roger's legs- "You don't like, you say stop, I will never be so far gone that I don't hear that, OK?"

"Do it"

He pushes himself in and then grabs Roger's wrists and holds them against the wall, everything's spinning inside his head, he's not even sure if he's here in the room or out on the court, is Roger moaning from pleasure or because he's being beaten, watching a shot go past him, yes, this is how it used to feel. That pause of stillness before he moves in for the kill, that joy as he watches Roger fail to reach a shot, the triumph as he moves faster and harder than he ever thought possible. It's thrilling beyond measure but the angle isn't absolutely right, he pulls Roger away from the wall and pushes him down into the bed, yes; that's better, that's fucking perfect. The words in Catalan are pouring out, how much he loves him, how beautiful he is but also things he wouldn't want him to understand, how good it feels to have control like this, to be dominating this man, this artist, to once again show him who is best. He doesn't even try to slow down his orgasm and immediately he pushes Roger over and takes him in his mouth, wanting Roger to go faster, he pauses for a moment to urge him on, this too feels like a form of control. Afterwards he's too wrung out to think for a moment but then there's a tingle of fear down his spine.

"Roger, are you....?"

He feels himself enveloped in a fierce hug, Roger's face buried against his neck. He moves around to take him in his arms, murmuring softly in Catalan, stroking the back of his neck. He doesn't think he's crying, is that a good sign?

Eventually Roger pulls away, and thank God, he's smiling.

"You OK?"

"Yeah, that was....fucking amazing." He winces slightly as he moves. "Just as well I'm not playing tomorrow."

"You got the job done today."

"Yeah" He falls back down to wrap himself around Rafa. "Fuck, I'm tired. Am I disgusting? Can you stand me not showering?"

"Don't be an idiot. Sleep."

"God, yes." He lifts his hand to stroke softly down Rafa's cheek. "I've never known anything like that, Rafa. Thank you."

It's hard to speak with the lump in his throat but "Must do it again sometime"

"Not for a few days."

"No." He watches Roger fall asleep, as ever he looks young, peaceful and yet vulnerable. A vulnerability that is somewhat deceptive, Rafa is well aware of the toughness that belies that appearance. Was there ever a time when he wondered whether this is what he wanted? They missed a whole year together because of that. What a fucking stupid idiot.

                                                       *************************************************

                                                       *************************************************

Playing a match would certainly be uncomfortable right at this moment but it was well worth it. And not even a hint of a freak-out......

"You look happy." Rafa still looks somewhat blurry.

"I am. The title - and last night was fantastic."

"Yeah. What brought it on?"

"I just felt like it." He pauses to appreciate the sight of Rafa. "I miss you playing"

"So do I. But it gives us more time together."

"I know. And it would have been hard with children. Have you heard anything from Isabella?" Isabella is their social worker, currently investigating whether they are a financially secure couple.

"No. We knew it would probably take a while."

"I still think surrogacy would have been easier."

"You want to be explaining that to Hakan? _"Roger, do you know what population growth is doing to the planet? And surrogacy is exploitation of women"_

It's very accurate, scarily so. "How often do you talk to Hakan?"

"Jealous?"

"No. It's just... I like Hakan and I love he's making Melek happy. But he's a bit....serious for me, I always feel like a teenager around him somehow"

Rafa doesn't answer immediately. "I guess...he's like my friend for this life I have. I always thought my friends would just be the people I grew up with....and I still love being with them. But it's good to have someone who understands my life now." 

"I get that. You should have a holiday with the old gang, Rafa, now you have more time"

"I will. _Time_...... I like that."

December 2015: Hamburg

Emira had always been the sister he felt closest to - she had seemed the best person to approach after he had discussed things with Hakan. She had, at last, agreed to a meeting but at the moment it's hard to understand why, she isn't diplaying much warmth. She had also insisted on her husband being present, Melek could hardly object to that but Selim had not even managed to shake his hand.

"How are you, Emira?"

"I'm well."

"Do you work?"

"No. Not since the children."

"They're not here?" Although it's not hard to guess - the house is way too quiet.

"No, they're with a friend."

"I would have liked to meet them."

"That wouldn't have been right."

He flew out to Germany just for this? But it makes some things easier.

"I'm married too, my husband is English and Turkish, my children are the same - Yusuf and Melisa. I'd love you to come to London and meet them." That's a bit below the belt but it feels good.

She looks startled but it seems to shake her out of her coldness. "How is that possible...."  

"Easy. English law lets us marry, our children are adopted."

She takes a while to absorb this. "But that can't be...our religion.....it's not right."

It's hard to take that seriously, Melek has too many memories of the teenage Emira. He feels a surge of irritation. "Religion didn't bother you when I was sneaking you out of the house." He remembers just in time that Selim might not know of her flirtations with Oskar and other German boys - no point in causing trouble between them.

Surprisingly that produces a genuine smile. "You were always good about covering for me." The smile fades away. "But it turned out you were just good at lying."

"Like I ever had a choice."

"Of course you had a choice! No one forced you to act like you were too good for us."

"When did I do that?"

"All the time. Telling us how you were going to travel the world, be the great tennis player, I bet you think you're so important, being friends with Roger Federer, mixing with famous people, bet you love all that."

Had she always been as bitter as this? Had he forgotten? And how exactly does she know about Roger? Hopefully not from that article.

"Federer?"

She flushes awkwardly "Well, you know, I saw him.....I mean.... when you won...…."

"You mean you followed my career a bit?"

"No, I never....." Another unexpected smile. "Maybe a bit."

"I'm glad." 

"Was it everything you wanted, Melek? Was it really more important than us?"

"You think I wanted to make the choice? You know Anne and Baba called me disgusting right?" Amongst other things. 

"They shouldn't have done that." Selim seems about to intervene at this point but Emira shushes him - Melek is glad to see she hasn't lost all her old spark. "But Melek - you acted like you didn't even want to be Turkish, then you said you were......gay...… you asked too much of them."

"So I should have hidden it? Married some poor girl and made her miserable?" 

"No...you could have got cured or something....I don't know."

This is a waste of time. Why had he even bothered with this? His real family are waiting for him in London - he has a sudden longing to be back with them.

"Emira, I wanted to see you - but things are obviously beyond repair, I'll leave you now." He gets up to go.

"No, please don't do that Melek, I'm sorry, I should be...." she turns to Selim "Leave us alone for a while."

"Emira…."

"Go. I want to talk to my brother." Melek notices that they speak in German, for all her accusations she seems to be abandoning some of her background herself. He suspects the children are barely fluent in Turkish. Selim is clearly reluctant to go but he leaves.

"Melek, I've been so angry with you, I still am but...I've missed you so much."

"You think I don't feel the same?" He takes the risk and leans forward to embrace her - she buries her face in his shoulder until she's ready to speak again.

"What now? Do you want to see Anne and Baba? And everyone else?"

"Is there a point? I'm gay, Emira, it can't be cured and I wouldn't want it to be. I love my husband and my children - I won't pretend they don't exist."

"I don't know what they'll say, Melek, but Anne...she's never been the same...I think she would like to see you again. But that might not be enough."

"I know."

"But I do know something, Melek, I want you to meet my children. I'm going to call Naz and tell her to bring them home."

"Thank you, that means a lot."

"And Melek……"

"Yes?"

"Roger....what's he really like?" 

Well, perhaps that was inevitable. "He's very nice, are you hoping for an invite to meet him?"

"Of course not...but I just wondered...." Neither of them can suppress the giggles. "I can't believe you know someone like that."

How could she understand that Roger is now part of his family? No wonder his first family had felt they were losing him. And he hadn't always behaved well - he remembers with shame the first time he brought Sebastian to his house and being embarrassed by his grandparents who could barely speak a word of German.....Is there any way back for them all?

December 2015: London

"Daddy, Daddy" The voice is unexpected, he'd told Hakan he'd make his own way back from the airport. Yet there they are, Yusuf trying to break away from Hakan's hand, Melisa asleep in the pram.

"What are you doing here? I said I'd be fine."

"Yusuf was driving me mad asking when you'd be back, I couldn't make him wait any longer. Are you glad"

"Extremely glad" It's more than that but he won't break down right here.

"How did it go?"

"Tough. I'll tell you when we get home."

It's an exhausting few hours after they get home but at last there is some peaceful time and space. Melek gives a full description, Hakan, as always, reflects for a long time before saying anything.

"Are you glad you went, Melek?"

"Yes. Even if things don't work out....I know now who my real family are."

"But you'd like to see your mother and father, surely? You must hope that can happen."

"Yes. But I won't deny myself and you - what we are. They'll need to accept that." He looks over at Hakan, feeling a surge of love and desire. How can anyone say this is wrong? "How tired are you, Hakan?"

"Suddenly not at all. Come with me."

                                                                          ***********************************************

                                                                           **********************************************

Sex between them has always been good but that had been something special. Hakan usually likes being the dominant one but tonight they had both felt like switching and.....

He looks at Melek who has always liked to go straight to sleep after sex, it's possibly the only time he ever feels completely stress free. There is no doubt that he and Roger dragging him kicking and screaming to Oliver had been the right decision; if he's never quite recovered the self-confidence and certainties he once had (or at least displayed to the world) then there have been compensations - Hakan misses the feeling that Melek will protect him from everything but he also likes being more relied upon, he feels stronger. But tonight he had given himself up entirely and it had felt....amazing. 

He settles down beside Melek but doesn't sleep - he's still buzzing and there are worries that refuse to lie down. The meeting with the sister seems to have gone well and he's glad Melek seems to be taking things calmly but.....what if, what if....?

This is pointless. They will face things together, they are a family. Nothing will change that.

 May 2016: Paris

"Does it seem strange to be back here Rafael?" Maribel tucks her arm in his - she understands instinctively that this might not be an easy time for him.

"It's not too bad, I'm not really looking forward to the attention though." The King of Clay not playing on his home court - that's a story.

"It's all good publicity, Rafael, that's why Tio and I are here."

Publicising the Academy is indeed the ostensible reason why Toni and Maribel are here with him but in fact it's more of a guarantee of support in case things prove harder than he expects. Roger won't be able to provide that, he's focused on his own preparation. Still, he's  made it clear that he understands.

"Do you think Roger can win this again, Rafael?"

"I hope so. But he doesn't listen to what I tell him." He smiles at Maribel, in fact Roger does listen, he just ignores it. It doesn't help him win but Rafa admires it in a way, Roger likes to play a certain way and that's as important to him as the winning.

They've reached the hotel room and he's getting them some coffee when his phone rings. Isabella. Shit, he knows what this will be about.

"I'm so sorry we had to cancel that last meeting, Isabella....yes, yes, I totally understand......that date is fine...….absolutely, you have our word." Trying to organize all the meetings and inspections required by the adoption process has not been easy - perhaps only the thought of the bad publicity from rejecting Spain's most famous married couple has kept Isabella onside with them. He's managed to get another date out of her, thank God

"Are you still happy with Roger, Rafael?" The question startles him, where did that come from?

"Of course. Do I seem like I'm not? We wouldn't be trying to adopt if we had any doubts."

"I know, but now I'm married too I just realise it's not easy. And Luis and I have nothing like the stresses you have. You do seem happy, I just wanted to.....make sure."

It's unlike Maribel to speak so seriously to him, he gives her the respect of an honest answer. "It is hard, I wish he could speak my language, that still hurts, I envy him that he's playing and I'm not, I miss him when we're not together but I don't want to travel everywhere with him, I hate that the press is always after us, I hate that every guy Roger just smiled at thinks he can sell his story. There's really only one thing that's worse than life with Roger."

"And that is?" But she's smiling, she already knows the answer.

"Life without him."

June 2016: London

"Melek, can't believe it, this is so cool man."

Fucking hell, what's he doing here?

"Shoudn't you be in Paris, Feli?"

"Not totally fit, man, but nearly there, that was a good practice."

And he just had to choose the same place where Melek was giving a lesson. Maybe God really does hate gays.

"There are no tennis courts in Spain?"

"Sophia wanted to come here, she's out shopping."

"So you're still together?"

"Yes, but... man, this is like, it must be meant....I need to talk to someone and there you are."

NO, NO, NO, NO...…."I have to collect my children from the creche, Feli, otherwise I'd love to talk."

"No problem, man, I'll buy us lunch, your kids too, did you or your sexy husband provide the necessary?"

"They're adopted, Feli, not that it's any of your fucking business."

"No offence, man, which way is the creche?"

There's clearly going to be no escape.

"This way."

                                                       *******************************************

He soon has Yusuf happy with a pizza and is feeding Melisa yogurt with a spoon.

"You do that so well, man, you should have been a woman. Then you could have had your own kids."

"Feli, can you just get on with what you have to say?"

"Sure, man. It's just, things are great with Sophia but since that time with Felip… I'm really not sure about myself, I'm thinking I should experiment a bit."

"Have you talked to Sophia?"

"Yeah, she's fine with a threesome, but not going off on my own, I'd have to keep that to myself. But I need your help,man"

"You want me to help you cheat on your girlfriend?" He stops to wipe Melisa's face, doesn't look like much has gone in.

"It's not cheating, it's just not telling her things that would upset her."

"Your concern for her feelings is touching, Feli."

"Thanks, man. What I need to ask you... I'm looking on all these apps, man, but I don't get the lingo - what's a Twink, and a Bear? And what does ddf mean? And bareback?"

"I'm a married man, Feli, I'm not an expert on hook-up apps." In fact, he and Hakan have used an app to invite a third sometimes, but Feli doesn't need to know that. He does need to make one thing clear though. "Bareback means without a condom and if you do that while you're sleeping with Sophia then you're a  bigger shit than I thought you were, which I didn't think was possible. And I'll tell her that myself."

"No man, I get it, that's not going to happen" He actually looks serious for once, Melek can only hope that even Feli has some moral limits. "I just need to understand what all this means. So I'll be sure to have a good time."

Time to put an end to this, he gets up to go. "It's been good to see you Feli but I need to get home" He's hoping to get the kids settled so he can watch some of Roger's match.

"But man...."

"Goodbye Feli."

Outside he pulls his thoughts together, it's colder than he thought and Yusuf hates putting on a coat. He puts the brakes on the pram and then prepares for battle.

"Come on Yusuf, if you catch a cold you won't be able to go to Simon's party."

"Don't care, I hate that coat."

"Just for Daddy." He tries to take hold of Yusuf's arm but he's too quick, he pulls away shouting "No", he's so quick, so quick, he's on the road, but he's not quite as quick as Melek who grabs him and......

June 2016: Paris

It was supposed to be a meeting about Academy business but they've slipped into just chatting, Rafa can't concentrate much anyway, Roger's quarter final match is in an hour. They should leave for the Court soon. The beep from his phone makes him jump. Hakan? Ringing to send Roger luck presumably.

"Hakan, what's up, man..... Oh God.....that isn't...…that isn't....of course.....I can't....Hakan...of course."

He looks up and sees Toni and Maribel staring at him, he can't find any words for a moment.

"Rafael, speak, you're scaring us"

"Tio, I can't...." What the hell should he do?                                                                          


	25. Changes Part 2

June 2015: Paris

"Rafa, why weren't you there? I was worried, man."

"Roger, I was...you have to hear me. I have some...bad news"

"Fuck you, tell me."

"It's Melek, there's been an accident, a car... Hakan rang me, he couldn't tell you - your phone was off."

"And he's....he's……"

"In surgery."  He tells Roger what Hakan had said, the name of the hospital and what they know about the injuries. "They know it's serious but not exactly how much. We're going to get you back home, we've cancelled the presser, it's all sorted"

Roger looks unable to move. Rafa hadn't thought the reality could be worse than his imaginings, but.....

"When did this happen, Rafa, was it during the match?"

Oh God, Rafa had so hoped he wouldn't ask this question but he'd decided not to lie - they had sworn honesty with each other. Never has it been so hard though.

"No, Hakan rang me... it was.....about an hour before your match."

"And you didn't fucking tell me? How dare you...how could you do that?" Good job the room has thick walls.

"Roger, I knew I couldn't phone you, you always switch it off before a match..." It's a pathetic excuse and Roger will know that.

"Don't give me that fucking bollocks Rafa, you could have walked into the locker room, you're the fucking King of this court."

"I'm so sorry, Roger, I had to make the decision, I didn't know what to do."

"It wasn't your fucking decision to make, what were you thinking? Melek could be.... while I was playing a match...and you _knew?_ "

"Roger, please, let's get back to the flat, we need to wait for Hakan to call."

"I need to fly to London."

"Fine, but we'll still need to go home first."

"Rafa, what if he....?" The anger seems to have drained away suddenly, leaving him...

"Roger, put your head between your knees, let me..." He grabs Roger's hand while he does so, willing him to stay strong. Eventually Roger lifts his head.

"Get me back home, Rafa."

"Of course."

                                                                           ********************************************

The journey back home is pretty much silent, Rafa had told the organisers to give them their most trusted chauffeur but the precaution was hardly necessary. Roger seems unreachably remote and it's a relief to be back at the flat.

"Roger, I can't tell you...." Maribel gives up on words and instead envelops Roger in her arms, why had Rafa felt unable to do that?

At last he emerges "I need to get ready to go, Rafa, can you sort out the flight?"

Toni speaks before Rafa can say anything "Roger, are you sure that's a good idea?"

"I suppose not, it might fuck up my match preparation, that's the priority, right, Toni?"

Oh shit, of course that's what he thinks, Rafa is about to speak but Toni gestures him to be quiet.

"No, Roger, but the press is already on to us wanting to know why the presser was cancelled. If you fly back they'll be on to it in minutes. Do you want Hakan to have to cope with that?"

"Of course not, but....."

"I can't imagine what you're going through but if we'd told you before the match you wouldn't have played and then the press would have been swarming. We couldn't have protected Hakan from that. I know you'll be angry with us, with Rafa, but he put Hakan first."

Roger seems like he wants to argue but then he turns away.

"I have to make a call." He's gone before Rafa can speak.

"Give him a few minutes, Rafael, then go after him."

"Tio, I don't think he wants me."

"Maybe not, but do it anyway."

                                                                        ******************************************

He catches the tail-end of the call but isn't much wiser, it's all in German. At last it comes to an end.

"I got hold of Sebastian, I've arranged a flight for him and his wife to London. They won't get in Hakan's way but at least they'll be there."

"That's good. Do you think they can help?"

"I don't know. But Rafa, his own family...I mean he's trying to get back with them but at the moment....they won't be ringing the hospital and asking for news.....the hospital will think he doesn't have people who love him, you know? I can't bear the thought of that"

"I understand. Roger, as soon as we get news we can discuss things again. I'm so sorry....."

"Don't, Rafa." He leans back on the bed. "I understand what Toni said, I can see why....but it doesn't matter......I know why you did it just like I know I'm doing the right thing now but I can't forgive myself or you or Toni.....I'm sorry. Just leave me alone for a while, please."

 

                                                                   ***************************************************

Time feels like it has stopped altogether, Toni has gone to talk to the tournament officials and their comms team, Rafa is left alone with Maribel.

"You have to eat, Rafael. Let me sort something out"

"I'm not hungry"

"I don't care" She rings for room service.

"He's never going to forgive me for this, Maribel."

"Of course he will, he's just in too much pain to think straight at the moment. Once we hear that Melek is alright he'll understand."

"He understands now, it isn't making any difference. And if Melek…..I don't know how he'd cope with that."

"Rafael, you mustn't...…"

"How can I not? Roger always says - Melek makes him feel safe." What would Roger do in a world where that safety is taken away?

"Rafael" Maribel comes over and takes his hand. "Roger would be devastated, we all know that. But he has you, and us, and his own family. In the end, he would survive. He loves you, you need to be strong."

"That's what Melek once said to me." In all his agonising over Roger and even Hakan, he hasn't really thought about himself. "We've never been close, Maribel, that wasn't really possible but I trust him the same way Roger trusts him, really. He'll always put his family first and I'm part of his family." That family has to survive, it has to.

The food arrives, he tries to get some of it down, if only to please Maribel. But she's right, he's going to need the strength, by the time Toni returns he can think a little more calmly.

"They want to know if Roger's going to play, obviously. But they were very sympathetic. And I've spoken to Andy's team so they know what's going on."

"Good" Andy Murray is a decent guy. "Do we know what's happening with the press?"

"That's the hard bit." He goes to find the laptop and brings up a news site. "Look"

_Neither Rafael Nadal or his family attended the match and after the routine straight sets victory over Marin Cilic Federer's press conference was abruptly cancelled. No official statement has been released but rumours are mounting that it is connected to a car accident in London involving Federer's close friend Melek Aydin. It is not known whether Federer will play his semi-final match against Andy Murray._

"That's from the dailies, Rafael. If you look at the tennis forums and the fan sites...."

"I can imagine." 

"The comms team are pressing for a statement. I think we might as well do that given what's out there already. You bought Hakan a few hours anyway."

"That will have to be Roger's decision, Tio. I can't go behind his back again."

"You think he's up to that?"

"I don't know. I suppose he'll have to be." Time to stop putting things off. "I'll go and talk to him."

                                                                 *******************************************

"Do you have any news?"

"Sebastian and Anna are at the hospital. They don't know much more but I'm glad they're there - they're telling me things I couldn't pester Hakan with."

"Good." His complete helplessness is threatening to overwhelm him - get a grip. "Roger, I hate to bother you but the press ….do you think we need to put something out? They pretty much know already."

"I know. Sebastian said the hospital were very suspicious of them, they've had so many phone calls from people pretending to be relatives."

"Fucking vultures. Roger, Toni thinks we should consider putting out a statement."

"If it's out there already we might as well."

"Do you....do you want me to sort it out? I don't know what you want me.......

"Yes please."

"And the semi.....?"

"I can't even think about that."

"We'll just say no decision has been made."

"That would be best."

"Roger, I'm so, so sorry....I'm...….."

"I know, Rafa...but I can't....all I can think is I should be there and I'm not. I know it was right, the hospital doesn't need the hassle but it's killing me anyway. You have to give me time."

"I understand"

                                                                             *************************************************

It doesn't take long for the team to come up with a statement - Rafa has to do no more than approve it

_Roger Federer and his family can confirm that his cancellation of the press conference today was connected to a serious incident involving a close family friend. No decision has been made on his participation in the semi-final. They would ask that both families' privacy be respected at this very difficult time._

 He's not surprised at the number of messages on his phone but doesn't answer most of them - what is he supposed to say? _No, Roger isn't OK, I'm not OK, maybe nothing will be OK ever_ _again_ ". He's surprised by the number form Feli though, were he and Melek very close?  Perhaps he'd better call - he frowns at the phone when he's finished.

"What on earth was that about Rafael?"

"Feli's in a mess - he seems to think it's all his fault. He saw Melek just before apparently, I'd forgotten he'd gone to train in London. I had to stop him rushing to the hospital - that's all they need. Oh fuck, who is it now?" He pales as he sees the caller and grasps Maribel's hand instinctively

"Hakan, how is...….OK....yes......I understand...……..of course." He tries to concentrate on what he's being told. "Yes.....yes.....of course...….I will.....we'll speak to you tomorrow. And Hakan…..if there's anything,  _anything....._ you know."

He takes a few moments to calm himself before speaking.

"They think....there's a whole list of injuries.... but they think....the surgeon thinks....none of them are life-threatening on their own. If they can prevent an infection or anything like that... they think he can recover."

"Oh Rafa, that's wonderful....has he spoken to Roger?"

"Yes, but he says he didn't think Roger was taking anything in. That's why he called me - so I can explain it all again if I need to." 

"Go and talk to him right now."

"Yes." But why on earth does that seem so difficult?

                                                                                *******************************************************

"Roger, I know Hakan called you...he rang me too.....did you get everything he was saying?" It's hard to read his expression.

"He has a good chance but they're not completely certain?"

"Yes. The surgeon told Hakan the news was better than he'd feared." He goes through as much as he can remember of what Hakan said but makes sure to be truthful "They're worried if he got an infection he wouldn't have much strength to fight it off, that's the main danger. But they'll try and prevent that and the injuries - they're all things he can recover from. Roger, you need to get some sleep, there's nothing you can do at the moment."

"I'm going to call Sebastian first."

There's a long conversation in German - Roger does seem calmer at the end of it.

"They're going to stay there while Hakan goes home and gets some rest. Sebastain says you can tell the medics are feeling positive - that's good news."

"It's excellent news. Do you...do you want me to go?" Even though it's breaking his heart.

There is a long pause. "No, stay here."

"Of course." He wasn't even sure that Roger would sleep but exhaustion does the trick. What now? Turns out the world doesn't leave you alone.

"Rafael, I've got Simon and Fiona trying to Skype you. You want to talk to them?"

Fuck, not really but it's probably necessary.

"Rafa, thanks for speaking to us.We're monitoring the feedback we're getting on this."

"And?"

"Obviously, people are very sympathetic, mainly, but there's a lot of speculation about whether Roger will play his next match."

"He hasn't decided that yet."

"We're just not sure what would be best for him."

"It's his decision."

"It's just, we're wondering what the best thing is? Does he look brave if he plays the match or callous? Some of Novak's fans are saying if he plays it will show he puts his career before everything, you know the ones."

"We're supposed to care what that lot think? They hate Roger whatever he does. If he doesn't play the match they'll find something to complain about"

"Well, yes, but we need to consider how this looks."

"No, we really don't. And are you planning to ask how Roger is at any point in this conversation?"

"Of course, how is he?"

"He's devastated, what did you expect?" He ends the call.

"They're only doing their job, Rafael."

"I know, Tio, but they could at least pretend to care a little bit." He suddenly realises how exhausted he feels himself.

"Rafael, get yourself to bed. I'll handle anything that comes, there's nothing that won't wait until the morning."

"OK"

 


	26. Changes Part 3

June 2016: London 

Hakan had not been sure whether Sebastian and Anna's presence was going to be useful or not - he doesn't know them all that well - but they have an unobtrusive helpfulness about them which is very welcome.

"Hakan, we can stay here while you go and sleep - you said there shouldn't be any changes for a while. And of course we'd contact you instantly."

He doesn't want to leave but they are right, if only for Yusuf and Melisa's sake. His mind recoils from the thought of Yusuf's distress - physically he'd escaped with a few cuts and bruises but the trauma..... The hospital had given him a mild sedative - Hakan feels guilty about this but his parents would not have been able to cope otherwise.

"Thank you, I'll do that. I'll come back early in the morning." There's something he should sort out first. "Sebastian, about Roger, I don't know what to say - he'll want to come here, I think but...…" He's barely hanging on himself - and there are the children - how would he cope with someone else?

"I'll speak to him - I'll find a way to explain things."

"Thank you. And you'll call me instantly....?" Really it's probably not necessary for them to stay - the hospital would call him after all - but he can't bear the thought of leaving Melek entirely with strangers - he'll feel better for knowing he has friends there.

"Of course. Hakan, have you thought about informing Melek's family? Do you think they ought to know?"

It's a question he's been avoiding. "He's back in contact with his sister but not with anyone else. His parents said they were willing to speak to him but not me and the children so he refused. I need to think hard about what he'd want me to do."

"You don't have to decide anything now. It seems like we have time....and hope."

"We do."

June 2016:Paris

"I know how much you want to be here Roger but really he isn't going to be aware of much for a day or so at least - he's on very strong painkillers -and the hospital's already having to deal with the press - if you turn up it's just going to cause more work for them. Better to leave it for a couple of days"

It's painful to think about but Sebastian is right - and he can't risk causing any problems for Hakan.

"I understand. Keep me in touch Sebastian."

"Any news?"

"Not really." He goes over what Sebastian had told him.

"So you're going to stay here?"

"Yes, and I'll play the match."

"You sure?"

"Yes. If I can't go there I'd sooner train and play than sit around. I'll tell Andy's team then he'll know what's going on."

                                                 ***************************************************

_Roger, we appreciate this is a difficult time for you. Do you think what's been happening off the court affected the result here?_

**Not necessarily, Andy played very well. He should be given all **the credit**   **

_Was it a hard decision to play the match?_

**Yes. But I discussed it with my team and we felt it was the right thing to do**

_Can we ask you if you have news of your friend?_

**He's stable at the moment, thank you.**

__Will you be going straight to London after this?_ _

_**I need to discuss that with my family and his.** _

__************************************************__

__

__"__ Rafa, it's Simon here, we just wondered how Roger was doing, we're keeping an eye on what people are saying."

"We're not really all that interested, Simon."

"Not at the moment, but you might be in the future. The result of the match turned out quite well really, people could see how much Roger was affected but he's getting respect for going ahead with it."

"I'm glad you're happy with it."

"No problem. There's been a lot of publicity over this, people are calling Melek a hero. You'd better take a look"

"I will."

It doesn't take long to find what they're talking about;

_Further details have emerged about the accident which disrupted Roger Federer's attempt to win a second French Open title. According to witnesses Melek Aydin's son had run into the road and his father was injured protecting him from the impact of a passing car. Details are scarce on his condition, said to be "stable". However one employee at the hospital said that there had been many calls from well-wishers and gifts of cards and flowers._

_Melek Aydin is known to be a close friend of Federer's although their exact relationship is unknown and has long been a source of speculation. It is not known if Federer will be visiting him in London._

A quick glance at the comments underneath reveals that "speculation" is an understatement - he doesn't particularly want to know all this. He senses Toni looking over his shoulder.

"It shows you made the right decision, Rafael. Imagine Hakan dealing with this when he thought Melek was dying"

"I don't know if Roger will ever agree, Tio."

"He just needs time."

"I hope so"

                                           ******************************************************

                                            ******************************************************

Thursday;London

His head feels extremely peculiar and the man close to the bed looks very familiar but who is he, oh yes, Sebastian.

"What are you....?" He doesn't know quite how to finish the sentence.

"Melek, don't try and talk." He feels his hand being stroked. It's soothing but something is wrong, this doesn't feel quite like home...where is he? Did they go on holiday - perhaps they're in that Italian villa Yusuf liked so much. Yusuf - there's a blinding fear associated with that name - a car bearing down on them....

"Yusuf..." he tries to move his hand - he must know.....

"He's absolutely fine, you saved him, you'll see him as soon as you're stronger." Is he ill?

Just tired, surely. Sort everything out in the morning......

                                                        **************************************************

No, this definitely is not home but Hakan is here so things don't feel too strange.

"Hakan, what am I, why am I...?"

"It's a hospital, Melek, do you know anything about why you're here?"

Not really, he remembers the terror...Yusuf...oh God, where is he?

"Yusuf...is he...?"

"He's fine, Melek, honestly, he's fine." Oh yes, he remembers now - someone else told him that, good. Nothing to worry about, why is Hakan here anyway, shouldn't he be at work?

"Why are you here?" The words seem to come out a bit strange but Hakan understands them.

"I've taken some time off - I'm having fun with the kids while you're here."

Why is he here? Hospital - is he ill? There does seem to be some pain but it's not too bad - not bad enough to need a hospital surely. He's had worse after a five-setter. More sleep should do the trick.

                                                                   ***************************************

Saturday:London

What the fuck is Roger doing here? Wasn't he meant to be somewhere else? Some tournament? Oh yes, he'd been going to watch the match. Did he win?

"Did you win?"

"No, I'm sorry, I lost in the semis, to Andy Murray."

Murray? How did he lose to Murray? That guy's second serve is an embarrassment.

"You fucking......twat. How did you..... do...... that?"

"He had a better game plan - you always told me I couldn't strategize for shit."

Oh well, never mind. Roger looks a bit upset about it though. He wants to reach out a hand but finds their fingers are already intertwined.

"There's always........next time. Don't......worry." Sleep is beckoning but he makes an effort to push it aside for a moment. "You'll be.... fine".

                                                          *****************************************

                                                          *****************************************

That night Roger returns to the hotel suite and cries in Rafa's arms until he feels that every last drop of moisture has been wrung out of him. And after that they begin to talk.

                                                         *****************************************

                                                           ****************************************

"He's doing very well, Hakan. We've been reducing the dose on the painkillers and he still seems reasonably comfortable - that's a very good sign. We'll be moving him out of the ICU soon." The surgeon has been very kind but he's also been honest, Hakan can trust his opinion.

"Good." He needs to start asking the frightening questions. "Is he...is he out of danger now?"

"His body has had a huge shock so there are always dangers - infections, blood clots, things like that. But there's no immediate threat and his care team are focussed entirely on his recovery now."

"You said - you thought all the injuries were things he could heal from. Do you think he can get back..... to normal?"

"I think he can have what most people would consider a normal life, yes. But even though there was less damage to the internal organs than I feared there was still a fair amount and you should both take that into consideration in your lifestyle. I'd recommend avoiding alcohol to protect the liver from further stress and not travelling to areas where you'd be far from medical assistance, the sooner any infection is treated the better. This isn't much different to the advice I'd give anyone about healthy living- but if he ignores it the consequences might be more serious than they would be for someone else."

"Will he always have pain?"

"I think that's likely, unfortunately. But people who've played professional sport tend to be living with pain anyway, and they do well in rehab, they have the discipline and don't mind the hard work. That makes a big difference".

"I understand" All of this sounds manageable and a long way from those terrible hours when he thought Melek was lost to him. But he wants the best.... "And tennis? - and exercise generally? - he'd be very unhappy not to be active, I think."

"This is something I need to talk to you about. I spoke to your friend Mr Federer when he visited earlier today." The doctor breaks into a smile as people often do when they've spoken to Roger. "You recall I had your permission to discuss your husband's care with him?"

"Yes"

"He's going to need extensive rehab to get back to full fitness - the hip replacement alone would have required that and there are other fractures, as you know. Mr Federer was quite clear that he wanted to cover the full cost of any private treatment I would recommend. What are your feelings about that?"

"I don't know" He instinctively doesn't like the idea. "Would it make a big difference?"

"Of course he'll be offered rehab on the NHS. But I should be honest with you - being able to have much more frequent physio and access to the best facilities - his recovery is likely to be faster and more complete. And the NHS treatment would be focussed on getting him back into everyday activities, it wouldn't be aimed at helping someone play sport at a serious level, that's beyond its scope. I understand he's retired from professional tennis?"

"From competing, yes. But he still gives lessons."

"Then private treatment would certainly help him maintain his career - it might even be essential."

"Do I have to make a decision soon?"

"Not instantly. But once he's out of the ICU we'll want to start rehab as soon as possible. Mr Federer also asked my advice on whether a private room would be better for him"

"And would it?"

"It would be quieter of course and give him more privacy - you too as you'll be a frequent visitor."

What is he supposed to do here? The surgeon seems to be a mind-reader "I can't tell you what to do here - I suggest you think about it and maybe discuss with your own family. Your husband will soon be ready to make his own views known as well. But I should warn you - I think Mr Federer will argue his case quite strongly." The surgeon's smile makes another appearance - the Roger effect again.

"I know."

                                                              *******************************************************                             *******************************************************

"Tell me how it happened, Rafa"

"I had the phone call from Hakan, he told me the injuries were serious and they'd taken him into surgery. I wanted to tell you - I was going to go over to the court - I told Tio to contact the organisers." Why had he changed his mind? "Then I thought - there's going to be so much publicity, Hakan's going to have to deal with all that and I could protect him for a short while ...I talked it over with Tio but it was my decision - you mustn't blame him for it. And I suppose I hoped....there'd be a call from Hakan saying Melek was going to be fine - you wouldn't ever have to go through the pain...." He had so much wanted to spare Roger that pain.

Roger doesn't respond for a while - he seems deep in thought.

"If you had told me Rafa, I could have decided to play the match anyway - to help Hakan."

"That would have been very hard for you."

"You thought I wasn't strong enough to do it?"

"I don't know, Roger, I never really thought about it."

"No" He seems lost in thought again. "Rafa, I'm not angry any more, I know you were trying to protect me, you were doing exactly what Melek would have done. But I wouldn't have let myself fall in love with you if you'd seen me as Melek does. He's my closest friend, I love him, I love how he makes me feel safe, but he isn't my husband, he could never have been that. I need my husband to see me as strong, as an equal, not as someone who needs to be.... looked after."

"I understand." And he does although it hurts so much. "I'm sorry, I got it wrong."

"For the best reasons." He kisses him gently. "But we have to be equals from now on"

"Of course."

"Can you make love to me?"

Sex has been far from their minds since the accident. "You sure?"

"I want to feel something that isn't pain for a while." It's not mind blowing sex but neither of them wants that, it feels right to be gentle. And to forgive. 

                                                            *******************************************

Monday:London

Hakan doesn't get much chance to think about Roger's offer - he has more pressing problems to deal with. "The school said they need to talk to you about Yusuf, Hakan, he's not coping at all at the moment." His mother looks worn out and she's only been dealing with the children for a couple of hours.

"Did they give you any details?"

"He's either refusing to do anything they ask or just sitting on the floor crying. His teacher was very sympathetic, of course she knows what the problem is, but she simply can't deal with it."

"Of course not" Everyone has sympathy, no-one knows what to do. "How's he been with you, Anne?"

"Much the same. He's asking for you all the time, he's terrified you're going to disappear as well"

That Hakan can believe, Yusuf is at this moment clinging to him as if he'll never let go, luckily his Turkish isn't fluent enough to understand the conversation. "I keep trying to reassure him but why would he believe me? Before he came to us he learned that adults can't be trusted."

"Do you think he can see Melek soon? It might help - at least he'll know we're not lying when we say he's alive."

"He's still got a lot of tubes attached and he's a bit fuzzy from the painkillers. I think he needs to be recovered enough to at least not look frightening"

"And you need to take care of yourself, Hakan, you look exhausted. What about Melek's family? Could they help?"

"I haven't told them, I realised Melek wouldn't want me to. They have to accept his whole family, he's determined on that."

"You can't drive yourself too hard."

"I won't." Although he's not sure how to avoid it. Nor do things get easier when he reaches his own doorstep.

"Can I help you?"

"I've tried to call but I appreciate you're busy. I'm an experienced PR agent and I'm interested in representing Melek"

"Why on earth does he need a PR agent?"

"People are very interested in his story, he's a hero. I can help you manage that."

"And what's in it for you?"

"Obviously my main interest would be in helping him and his family - we can discuss the percentages later."

"No thank you."

"Think about it." He gives Hakan a card. "I'm sure you're being pestered now - you might as well turn it to your advantage."

The thought of making money from Melek's accident is sickening - Hakan distracts himself by making dinner.

"I hate beans on toast. I want a cheese sandwich."

"I'm sorry, I forgot to get cheese. I thought you loved beans on toast."

"I hate them."

"Don't be silly, just eat." Oh, well done, Hakan, that's really going to help.

It doesn't. Although after five minutes of screaming even Yusuf doesn't have the energy for a fight. He manages a few spoonfuls of beans.

"Well done, Yusuf, good boy."

"Sorry, Baba." Where did that come from? Yusuf isn't normally big on apologies.

"That's all right, why don't you go and play with your Thomas set for a while?"

"Will you come with me?"

"Of course."

It's peaceful to watch him play for a while, Melisa is also settled with a toy, there are a thousand things that need to be done but what do they always say about carers looking after themselves? He allows himself a little relaxation, problems can start again in the morning.

"Has Daddy gone to heaven, Baba?"

"No, he's in the hospital, Yusuf, you'll see him soon, I promise. Hospital is where people go to get better."

"I don't want to see him, Baba. Dead people are scary."

Oh dear God. He gets down beside him. "Yusuf" What the hell does he say? "I know Daddy looked very scary when you last saw him. But he doesn't look scary now and he isn't dead. I saw him today and the first thing he said was about you, he loves you so much."

"I don't want to see him, Baba." His voice is rising.

"I won't make you, Yusuf, but please believe me, he is alive and he looks like Daddy again - not like...like you last saw him"

"Promise you won't make me?"

"Promise." What else can he say? So much for time off from problems.

                                          ********************************************************

Wednesday: London

It's always a relief to see the nurse smiling as he walks onto the ward - it's a sign that nothing terrible has happened while he's been away. And there's an even better sight as he reaches the bed, which Melek isn't actually in.

"Hey, they made you get up."

"Yeah, they said I couldn't lie around all day. Told me I was getting lazy" Melek looks tired and somewhat uncomfortable in the chair but still...…...

"Too right." He drops the joking for a moment. "Is it OK? Are you in pain?"

"Yes. But I'm tired of having my head all blurry, at least this way I can talk. Tell me about the kids."

"They're fine" Melek certainly doesn't need to hear about the issues right now. "As soon as you're on a normal ward I'll bring them in." Fingers crossed. "Was Roger here earlier?"

"Yes, it was good to see him, although he kept making me laugh."

"Was that bad?"

"No but it really hurt. I didn't want to make him feel guilty though."

"Melek, will you ever stop treating Roger like he's still sixteen?"

"Never. Hakan, while I'm alert, give me the gory details. I lost a hip, is that right?"

"Yes. The surgeon said it was too badly damaged to ever heal properly, so he did the replacement right away."

"Anything else?"

Does he recite the whole list? Better to be honest. "There's a pelvic fracture, broken ribs, and they had to operate on one kidney. And there was liver damage which they're monitoring but they think you won't need surgery. Plus other smaller things. But Mr Hamil said you can recover from all of them, Melek, it's just going to take time."

"Yes." But he seems to have run out of energy for now. "Probably time for a top-up".

"I'll get the nurse."

It had been wonderful to have a proper conversation again even if it didn't last too long. The nurse gives an encouraging smile after Melek is asleep.

"He's been out of bed for a few hours, that's excellent progress."

"Good. Do you know what happens next?"

"We're sorting out moving him to an Orthopeadic ward - he certainly doesn't need to be here anymore - then we can start proper rehab. That can be very tough and he'll probably get discouraged at times."

"Most likely he won't say anything till it's really bad."

"You may be right. He's managing on a low level of painkillers considering the injuries. I think Mr Federer tired him out a bit too" Her voice takes on a slightly breathless quality. "They seemed to be laughing quite a bit"

"Roger's like that."

"Yes. But he's very kind. We asked him if he wouldn't mind seeing a couple of patients - it meant the world to them. We get a lot of requests but we remember that he is here for his friend."

"Are the gifts still coming in?"

"Yes. We're sending them round the hospital as you asked. Do we still give the same message to enquirers?"

"Please". He experiences a rare burst of irritation. "I don't understand all this, he just happens to be a friend of Roger Federer's, Roger has lots of friends!"

The nurse laughs. "I can imagine." She hesitates but then seems to decide on something. "But we've all grown fond of Melek even just these few days - he has a.....kindness about him, somehow. We're all glad he's doing well."

"Thank you." It's brought tears to his eyes. "That means a lot"

                                                        ***************************************

It's been an encouraging visit but the news from his parents isn't good.

"Of course we want to help you Hakan, but Anne just can't cope with Yusuf, it's too much for her. And look at this." He hands him a piece of paper on which Yusuf has drawn a picture of the accident. It's not pretty.

"Baba, I don't know what to do, his teacher's sympathetic but she can't advise me."

"Did the hospital suggest anything?"

"No, they gave him pills for the first night but that isn't a solution."

"No. Can you talk to him - tell him Melek's getting better?"

"I have. He doesn't believe me. I'll take them home now anyway, then Anne can get some rest." At least this time he's remembered to get cheese, perhaps the converstaion will go better this time.

"Daddy was looking much better today, Yusuf, he was out of bed and he's moving to a ward where you can visit him."

"Don't want to see Daddy."

"But you love Daddy."

"No, I don't. I don't like dead people."

"But...." How does he convince him? The beeping of his phone is a relief.

"Rafa?"

"Hi, Roger's flying out to Germany tomorrow, I'm staying here for a couple of days on business. I wondered...would it help you to have a break? Would you like to come round?"

It's a kind thought but you can tell Rafa doesn't have children yet. "That's very kind, but I can't leave the children."

"Of course not, I'm an idiot. Why don't I come to you after they're in bed?"

He can't really put him to so much trouble but it would be nice to talk to someone. Maybe even talk about something different.

"I'd like that."

                                                               *************************************************             *************************************************

Thursday:London

Rafa has rarely seen anyone look as tired as Hakan does - he hopes he can do something to help.

"Have you seen Melek today?"

"Yes, he's in the Orthopaedic ward now, not in Intensive Care."

"That's wonderful."

"It is, but there aren't as many nurses and he hasn't got all the machines on him now. Somehow....I don't feel he's as safe there."

"They must think he's safe to be moved though."

"Of course, I'm worrying about nothing. Coffee?"

"Please." He'd offer to do it himself but Hakan seems glad of the chance to move around, perhaps it feels normal.

"How long do you think he'll stay there?"

"The doctor talked to me about that today." Hakan says no more, he seems lost in thought.

"Hakan?" His expressions have somehow become familiar, that withdrawing into himself followed by a decision.

"The doctor...he's recommended he go to this clinic in Reading. It's for hip rehabilitation but attached to a hospital - they've got all the specialist equipment and they could look after his other injuries as well. He showed me their website - it looks like a five star hotel."

"When would he go there?"

" _If_ he goes there - it would depend on how the fractures are healing but probably about a week's time."

"It sounds perfect, Hakan, why the doubts?"

"It's private, Rafa, we couldn't afford it." Another long hesitation. "Roger -he's offered to pay everything but I don't know whether to accept. I turned down the private room - that wasn't really necessary but this......"

"Roger will want to do everything he can, don't worry about that."

"I know but...Melek would hate to think we were using his friendship. We haven't discussed it yet but I know he won't be happy."

"Do you mind telling me how much it would cost?" The figure would certainly sound like a lot of money to Hakan. How does he handle this? "Hakan, I'm afraid of being completely insensitive here but Roger spends four times that on another unnecessary car." Too late he remembers that Roger had once told him to keep Hakan in blissful ignorance of his car addiction. Sure enough...

"How many cars does he have? Does he know how polluting that is? And you can only drive one at once."

"I know, he's terrible, but you get the point. I'm not sure Roger will understand why he can't spend money on helping the people he loves."

"Car use is one of the biggest contributors to climate change, we should all....."

"Hakan" Rafa leans over to give him a friendly tap. "You need to think about yourself for once, and Melek, the planet will survive until tomorrow, at least."

Hakan seems about to argue then relaxes into a smile. "You're right. I'm kidding myself anyway, of course I can't deny Melek the best care. I'll just have to think of a way of telling him."

"Would you have to do that?"

"You think I should lie to him? It wouldn't work anyway - he'd know this place wasn't on the NHS."

"No, but you could wait until he asks. Just say he's moving to a specialist hospital and let him work it out when he's there. Then you can say Roger's already paid the bill so he might as well stay."

Hakan looks about to argue but then breaks into another smile. "Is this how you get your own way with Roger? I'm sure he'd be interested to know."

"Certainly not, I'm always completely honest."

"I bet. And of course I'll do it, I want him to have his life back, Rafa, if this is the best place for him.....I mean, I'll do anything, even if he'll be furious with me."

"Good. Do you want me to let Roger know?"

"If you wouldn't mind, that would be really nice of you."

"OK" Hakan's eyes are so shadowed he looks like he's been in a fight. "Anything else we can do to help?"

"I don't think so but thank you for offering."

He doesn't look as if there are no problems, Rafa will just have to guess. "The news is good, though? From what the surgeon was telling Roger, he's very pleased."

"He is, I'm still worried but....I know that's probably stupid, it's just the shock I think. But......my son is in a complete mess, no-one can cope with him, I don't know how I can go back to work but we need to pay our bills. I guess...I never expected to be coping with everything alone like this."

"Could you stay off work for a while?"

"They'll run out of patience eventually. I mean, I could leave and then find another job when Melek's OK, my skills are very sought after in my industry. But..... while I'm not working...."

"Hakan, I know I'm going to make you feel worse probably but the best thing about having money is you can help your friends. Roger and I are lucky - when we want to help people we actually can."

"We used to run our own lives, we don't want to get handouts from our rich friends....Fuck....I'm sorry....that's really ungrateful. Maybe Melek will have to sell his story after all."

"Someone wants to buy it?"

"I got doorstepped by this guy wanting to be his PR rep".

"The only thing they'll want to know is how many times he's fucked Roger. I don't see Melek being OK with that."

"He wouldn't be. Shit, you came round here and all I've done is complain. Can I open us a bottle?"

"Why do you think I came in a cab?"

"And honestly, I'd like to hear about your life right now. Why did you stay in London?"

"I'm trying to get a big new sponsor for the Academy - their Head Office is here."

"Please - tell me all about it."

It feels good to explain it all, Hakan always gives everything such a focussed attention. And he entertains him afterwards by telling him funny stories about life on Tour, it's nice to feel he's giving him a break. But he's worried as he leaves the house, Roger is only thinking about Melek but is he the only person in need here?


	27. Changes Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I got some energy after spending three days at the Laver Cup so here's a new chapter!
> 
> A nice person bookmarked with "Read when finished" - have to warn them I have no idea when it will be finished - usually when I think everyone's fed up with it the next chapter gets a load of new hits/kudoses. So leaving it open-ended.

Sunday June 12th: Manacor/Halle

"I'm worried about Hakan, Roger, he seemed under a lot of stress."

"Is he? Melek's life isn't in danger any more, the surgeon was clear about that."

"I know, but he's got a lot to cope with. He's not sure when he can get back to work, for a start."

"Why's he worried about that? We can just pay him to stay at home if he needs to."

"He has his pride, Roger, it's not that easy."

"He's being an idiot, just tell him to do the sensible thing."

"When did that become my job? You tell him."

"I'm trying to prepare for this tournament."

"Because only your career's important now? We've got our new sponsor by the way, thanks for asking."

"Fuck, I'm sorry, that's brilliant. I'm being a selfish twat. I'll talk to Melek once the tournament's over."

"Thank you. And don't forget to prepare for the meeting with Isabella, we've got to show we know all about" he drags the words from his memory " _the importance of attachment theory in the adoption process."_

"Christ, can't we just say we have loads of money and the kid will have the best of everything?"

"No. But you can do this, Roger, you moaned about writing the wedding vows and then you came up with something wonderful"

"Rafa, about those wedding vows....."

"I don't want to know, they were beautiful anyway."

"And I meant every word of them, that's what matters."

"I know. I'll fly out to see you win the Final" 

"You're the best.

 

Monday June 13th: London

"Why are you in here then?" The man in the next bed has obviously got bored with reciting the details of his hip replacement to his unlucky visitor and has decided to start tormenting Melek instead.

"I was in a car accident."

"So not planned then. I've been waiting years for this, the pain was just getting worse and worse." 

"I'm glad it's happened for you."

"I've got less pain already, it's great. It's disgusting I had to wait this long, all these foreigners getting treatment first."

There's little point getting into an argument. He reaches for the headphones that Hakan had brought in last night, they're clearly going to prove very useful.

"No offence, mate, I don't mind foreigners personally."

"Neither does my husband." The man looks a little uneasy. Good. But Melek doesn't get the chance to lose himself in the music.

"The physiotherapist is ready now"

He's been doing the exercises religiously so hopefully she'll see an improvement. It's not encouraging to see her frown as she watches him go through the routine.

"You shouldn't push yourself as hard as that."

"I spent twenty years pushing myself." These are such basic exercises anyway, how can they even compare to what he used to be able to do?

"Well, that may not be so helpful now." But it turns out there is some good news. "I think you can try the walking frame. See how it goes."

It feels like he could fall over at any moment. But it's good to actually be on his feet - he'd never totally believed their assurances that there was no prospect of him not walking again. These few shuffling steps have let that fear fade away.

"You look happy with that."

"I am. It feels like...I'm on the way back."

The physio looks a little more human. "You are. But stop trying to rush it, you'll wear yourself out and that's not good."

"I'll try. Do you know when I can move to the Rehab Center?"

"Mr Hamil will decide that. It's a nice place, I went on a course there once, the food was lovely."

"Better than here?" Not that that would be difficult.

"Definitely. That's what you're paying for, I suppose. Don't get luxury like that on the NHS."

Paying? Nothing had been said about paying...…..

                                                              ********************************************************

"Hakan, why have I found out  _by accident_ that this place I'm moving to is not on the NHS?"

"It isn't?"

"There's nothing wrong with my brain, Hakan, don't pretend you didn't know."

"I did know. But Mr Hamil really thinks it's the right place, Melek, all the best equipment and not even too far away - it'll be easy for me to visit."

"How much is it going to cost? And I'll be ringing them up to check."

The figure is even more than he expected.

"We can't afford that, Hakan, especially when you might not be able to work for a while. We'll manage with the NHS."

"Don't worry about that side of it. It's all taken care of."

"Oh, don't tell me...…. Hakan, you should have asked me about this. Roger paid me well for touring with him" - they have a nice house as a result -  "but I've never just used him, I've always taken pride in that."

"Melek." Hakan takes both his hands in his "I want you to have the best recovery you can....Mr Hamil was so sure this would help - and you know Roger won't even notice the money. He wants you to recover as much as I do - think how much you'll hurt him."

"Don't try and guilt trip me, Hakan, you should have told me. I've hurt my body, not my mind, we should be making these decisions together."

"Then let's make it together. You know this is the right thing to do, Melek, you can't really believe that Roger doesn't want to do this."

For all his protests Melek doesn't really want an argument with Roger, he hasn't got the energy to win one at the moment. Might as well give in and change the subject.

"They let me get on my feet today."

"How did it go?"

"I felt like a toddler. But it was still good."

"I keep telling you, it's just time, there's no reason you can't get back to normal."

That seems a long way off, but today has felt like progress.

"When are you going to bring the kids? They can come on this ward, surely."

"I wasn't sure you were ready, I'll bring them next time." Hakan looks somewhat uncomfortable - there's something he's hiding - but Melek has completely lost energy now - he'll worry about it later.

"Sorry, it's crash-out time."

"OK, can I stay with you?"

"Please." Falling asleep while Hakan's still there feels like home. "I love you."

"You too".

 

 Tuesday June 14th: London                                                                                       

After that encouragement the next day is a day to make Melek wonder if he's actually died and gone to hell. An hour's rehab in the morning which felt like it had no beneficial results whatsoever; he's stuck in the ward's day room which is probably the most depressing place he's ever been in (and he's played Challenger tournaments in Kazakhstan) and his visitor is the last person in the world he wants to see.

"Oh man, I can't believe what happened to you, it's all my fault."

"Don't be an asshole Feli, of course it wasn't. You had nothing to do with it."

"It's a message from God, I swear it, forget all that shit I was telling you, I'm not looking for hook-ups anymore."

"God doesn't exist, Feli." Perhaps he ought to take some advantage from the situation. "It's good that you've come to your senses, though. Sophia seemed like a nice girl."

"She's amazing, man. Gonna stick to just the threesomes from now on, that'll do me fine. You think I should bottom for Felip?"

Seriously???? Maybe he should tell Feli that lube is completely unnecessary........  

"It's not my main concern right now."

"I suppose not, man, I just wondered. How are you, anyway?" He's actually bothered to ask.

"Apart from the pain and the fact I can't walk more than a few steps, I'm fine." Fuck, why did he tell Feli that?

"You make me feel so guilty, man, it'll be all my fault if you never walk again. You know...if you're in a wheelchair for the rest of your life."

"I will NOT be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life, it's just going to take time, that's all." That's what they keep telling him anyway.

"That's right, man, you should always have hope." Feli's tone makes it clear he thinks the situation is hopeless. "I brought a pack of cards. You want to lose some money?"

Weirdly, that doesn't sound like a bad idea, it will be a distraction. Rather surprisingly Feli proves a formidable opponent, clearly he applies his brain to some things. It's just as well Hakan arrives when he does, as Melek is about to lose their life savings.

"Hey, man, you were right, this visit was a great idea. I'll leave you to cheer him up."

"You told that twat to come and visit me? You want a divorce?"

"I'm sorry, I thought it was a good idea."

"He practically told me I'd be crippled for life! What does the fucker know about it - it's just time  I need, that's all. What were you thinking of?"

"I don't know." Hakan doesn't look sorry somehow, if anything he seems to be struggling not to laugh. "I just thought he would....entertain you."

"Well, he didn't." He has to admit though, the time did fly and he does feel to have more energy somehow. Enough to realise something is wrong.

"You didn't bring the kids, Hakan?"

"No, I wasn't sure you were ready."

"That's what you said last time. Are they not well - is that what you're not telling me?"

"No, they're not ill, there's no problem" He's always been a terrible liar.

"Out with it, Hakan. What's wrong?"

"Yusuf - he.....the last time he saw you...he won't believe that's not what you look like now. I've tried but I think he's....afraid"

"Oh." He takes some time to absorb that pain, which is considerably worse than the pain he already had. "I suppose that makes sense from his point of view."

"I don't know how to convince him, Melek, we know....what his life was like before he came to us - he must think we've let him down as well. It's so unfair, I mean......when I think about why you're here in the first place but he doesn't understand that."

"No" How would you convince someone who doesn't trust adults? Maybe......

"Did you bring your phone, Hakan?"

"Of course."

"What if we do a video? If you film it right I should look pretty normal. We can try."

"Melek, that's a great idea" 

It take a few goes to work things out but they manage to get something they're happy with. Melek feels exhausted at the end though - he's been trying to cut down the painkillers even further but he's reached the end point now.

"Sorry, I'll have to bring this to an end. Once they give me a dose I'm out of it."

"Of course. I can't believe I didn't think to do this - this is why..... I can't live without you." 

"You don't have to. I survived"

"You did. Can we hug now? Would it hurt too much?"

"Only one way to find out." It is painful but well worth it. "You can stay with me again?"

"Always".

                                                     *******************************************************

"Yusuf, I've got this nice little film for you to watch. Come here." He's tested it out on the laptop, Melek looks tired but they've got the filming exactly right, there's nothing frightening at all.

"What is it, Baba?"

"Just watch. You'll like it."

He sets Yusuf on his knee and presses Play. They'd had a quick discussion on what Melek should say; just that he was getting better after the accident and how much he was looking forward to seeing Yusuf. Plus a little message about being good in school. Not that Hakan expects it to have much effect but it will make things seem more normal.

Yusuf watches in silence.

"That's Daddy?"

"Yes, that's Daddy. He was hurt in the accident, just like you get hurt when you fall over, but he's getting better all the time, that's what hospitals do - make people better -  you can see he doesn't look frightening at all."

"They're making him better?"

"They are, Yusuf, you can see he's not dead. He can't walk very well at the moment because the car hurt his leg very badly, but he is getting better."

"Are hospitals scary, Baba? Are they full of dead people?"

"No, hospitals are for sick people. But there's a special room where people can go and meet their families and you won't have to see anyone else."

"It's scary, Baba."

"I know it's scary, but I'll be with you and you'll be able to see Daddy. It's going to be a while before he comes home, they have to make his leg a lot better first. That's why he wants to see you so much."

"You won't leave me in the hospital, Baba?"

"No, you'll see Daddy then you'll come home with me and Melisa."

"Can we go tomorrow?"

"We can, right after school."

"Can I go and watch telly?"

"Of course." Once he's gone he puts his head down on his arms, he's almost too exhausted to feel happy. But it's one little step forward.

 

 Wednesday June 15th: London

"I'm arranging your transfer to the Rehab Center on Friday, Mr Aydin. I think you're ready for the move now."

"Good." His resistance to the idea has been worn away by days of hearing his fellow patients' views on everything from the state of the nation to their bowel problems. "Do you know how long I'll be staying there?"

"It will depend on how the rehab goes but you should expect a few weeks. Once you're no longer in need of hospital facilities you can continue rehab as an outpatient - the Center will devise a programme for you."

Seems like Roger can expect a big bill then. The surgeon hasn't finished either.

"You've made good progress but you should understand these were serious injuries. Don't try and force the recovery."

"I won't". Why do people keep telling him that -no success comes without effort. "Thank you for everything you've done for me."

"My pleasure. Should I talk to your husband as well?"

"Yes please. He should be here soon." And with the children, please God. "Could a nurse help me get to the Day Room?"

                                                                      ********************************

"Daddy." Yusuf is struggling to pull away from Hakan's hand.

"Remember we talked about this, Yusuf, give Daddy a  _gentle_ hug."

"Yes, Baba." It doesn't matter, any amount of pain would be worth it for this.

"Are you being a good boy for everyone, Yusuf?" 

"Yes, Daddy. When will you come home?"

"Not for a few weeks, but you'll be able to come and see me in the place where I'm going."

"Can I do a drawing of you?"

"Of course. Sit at that table there." He takes the opportunity for a quick chat in Turkish with Hakan.

"How's he doing?"

"His teacher said he was a bit better today. I'm hoping now he knows for sure you're alive things will improve."

"Let's hope so." He notices for the first time that Hakan doesn't look much less tired than he does himself. "You need to look after yourself, I don't want you to in here with me."

"Sometimes that seems like it'd be easier. Oh fuck, I didn't mean that, of course you're having the worst time"

"It's not a competition, I just wish I could do something to help."

"You are. Just the fact I can talk to you now makes things better. We'll get through it" 

"Of course." But in what state?

 

Thursday June 23rd: Circle Hospital, Reading

"Melek, this place looks like a fucking hotel. You're sure it's a hospital?"

"I had a scan yesterday, I don't think you get that at the Ritz."

"No." Roger sprawls back in the chair looking like he owns it - which in a sense he does. "How's it going anyway?"

"Not bad." In fact progress feels frustratingly slow although the therapists keep saying that's perfectly normal. But he isn't going to share that - it was good of Roger to take a break from Wimbledon prep, no need to get him depressed. ""You ready for Wimbledon?"

"My back's a bit stiff but it'll be good by the start. If I get a decent draw I should be fine."

"How did the meeting with Isabella go?"

"Pretty well. Thank you for all that stuff you sent me, it really helped."

"Don't mention it, Roger, it's not like I have serious injuries or anything, of course I want to be tiring myself out for you." Actually it had been nice to think about something other than his not very well functioning body for a while. But he had been short on energy by the end.

"I can always count on you." They drift into remembering Roger's early days on tour, laughing is still painful but not quite as bad as it was. It's a lovely way to pass the time, although eventually he needs to interrupt the memories.

"Can you just press that button, Roger? I need the nurse for a few minutes."

"Anything wrong?"

"No, I just want to use the bathroom." He hopes Roger won't ask for details.

"I can help you with that."

"No thanks."

"I've had my tongue up your ass and your dick in my mouth, Melek. Don't be so squeamish."

"Say it a bit louder, Roger, they couldn't hear you in Slough."

"They all speak Swiss German round here?"

Probably not. And Roger is right, they know each other's bodies as well as their own and unlike with Hakan, he doesn't need to worry if Roger will ever find him sexy again.

"Come on then." Given that he still feels rather unsteady on the walking frame it's reassuring to think Roger might actually be able to catch him. And his  strength does in fact prove useful. Even so it's a relief to be back in the main room. Roger doesn't return to his chair, instead he kneels down next to Melek and holds his hand.

"This must be tough, you were playing tennis a few weeks ago."

"It could have been a lot worse. Mr Hamil told me I wasn't far off a bad spinal injury, maybe I'd have been like this forever. And my son is alive." The might-have-beens are terrible.

"So you're telling me you're really OK?"

"Of course." But he doesn't look directly at Roger when saying it and there's an unexpected lump in his throat. He doesn't quite know how Roger's arms end up around him or how his head has found its way onto Roger's shoulder but it does feel like a place he doesn't want to leave anytime soon. Eventually he leans back.

"Maybe I'm not totally OK"

"Tell me what I can do."

"You're doing enough,  Roger." It might be hard work being here but he can see it's the best place. And having your own room and decent food helps.

"I don't think so. There are things we can do to make life a bit easier, Rafa's worried about Hakan too"

That's a weight of guilt. "I know Hakan's having a hard time, I just don't know what I can do about it."

"Well, for a start you can stop him worrying about money and work. Let him take six months off."

"While we sponge off you?"

"Oh stop being such a twat. Think of it as an extra from when you were touring with me. It's not like I was fun to be around was I?"

It's a strange memory now. "No, you weren't." He'd lived with constant worry. "I couldn't help you at all."

"You kept me going Melek, I would have never have got through that year without you. Rafa owes you a lot as well. So for fuck's sake let us give something back."

"Hakan won't be too keen."

"He'll accept it if you will."

Probably. There's no doubt Roger's money could ease their situation - is it really worth letting pride get in the way? "Alright Roger, I'll discuss it with Hakan, it would take one problem away."

"Good." He gets up and gives Melek a kiss. " I'm going to talk to your therapist, see where my money's going. I'll be back at the weekend, hopefully."

"You'll get through". Oddly, this will be the first time in a few years he'll be able to watch most of Wimbledon. Might as well make the most of it.

                                                                          ****************************************************

"Physically he's doing as well as can be expected, Roger. But he needs to accept it'll be a slow process."

"Any idea how long?"

"It's difficult to say. I can tell you the norm for a standard hip replacement but there are a lot more complications here. He gets tired very quickly because of all the injuries, we can't let him push himself too hard."

It's fair to say Roger had hoped for something more positive than this. The therapist seems to pick that up.

"There's no reason to think he won't make a good recovery, this is all completely normal. If you want to help just try and encourage him to be patient. And he should stop trying to cut down on the painkillers - they're going to be necessary for a good while yet. Being in more pain than you have to be is pointless."

"We're all used to pain."

"I'm sure. But to some extent you've all chosen that, it's different living with pain you haven't chosen."

"I understand." He needs to get back now anyway, time to focus on Wimbledon. "You know I'll pay for any treatment you think is necessary, right?"

"I know. But some things are just going to take time." 

 

Friday July 1st:London

The sound of the phone ringing is an unwelcome distraction - he's just got Melisa settled with her lunch.

"Hello?"

"Hello. Am I speaking to.... Hakan?" The woman's Turkish is similar to Melek's.

"You are."

"I would like to......speak with my son."

Jesus. "I'm afraid......he's not available right now."

"What time will he be there?"

"I'll need to talk to him."

"I want to speak to my son."

"I know. I will talk to him, I promise."

"Thank you." There is a long pause. "How is he? Is he at work?"

Clearly she knows nothing about the accident. Shit. Is this another thing for him to cope with alone?

"No, he's just....not at home at the moment, he isn't....I'll talk to him over the weekend. Should I call you afterwards?"

"No. My husband....he does not know anything about this. It's better if I call you."

"I'll wait for that then."

"Please. And Hakan…..I know...I accept....you are my _damat_."

"Thank you. And you are my _kaynana."_

It's a start anyway.

 


	28. Changes Part 5

Saturday July 2nd:London

"You aren't visiting Melek this weekend?"

"No, the timings don't work. I can only go at the same time as Hakan and Hakan says he needs to speak to him alone. I'll have to work something out after Wimbledon." He turns to Rafa with a familiar look in his eye. "Gives us more time to be together."

"Maybe we could watch a film?" But the kiss makes it clear that isn't going to happen. Eventually Roger breaks it off and lies down on the bed, hands buried under his back.

"Take everything off. I want to watch."

It's always fun to see how long Roger will last out. He manages to get through Rafa stroking himself but when he turns over and spreads himself out - that's usually the point where Roger breaks. Oh God, yes, Roger's tongue moves with a slowness that is both blissful and agonising. Rafa is always determined he won't beg -- but it's a competition he mostly loses.

"You're an evil bastard - oh, fuck, shit...…"

Roger's head emerges briefly "I'm not even half way there". He starts again with a circling movement that has Rafa almost fainting. But pride is totally gone now.

"Please...please.... can't stand it....."

Luckily he's already pretty loose and it's not too long before he has what he needs. He abandons himself completely to the stretch, the fullness, the speed - he isn't going to last long.

Afterwards he wraps himself around Roger who looks as relaxed and contented as a cat in the sun. How does he get like that - isn't he in the middle of the biggest tournament of the year? Rafa had never felt like that at Wimbledon.

"You look happy."

"I am, that was amazing. Although I should have lasted out longer..... and you were pathetic."

"I know. Roger, what is it about just watching that does that to you?" He loves how much it turns Roger on but it doesn't work the other way round.

The question seems to interest him, he takes an unusually long time before answering. "I think it reminds me of the first time I did it - with a man I mean." He stops again. "It was like everything made sense - I was looking at his body and I just wanted it so much. And I knew it was going to feel...... like sex was supposed to feel." He smiles at the memory. 

"And did it?"

"Of course. Melek knew what he was doing, I wasn't his first by a long way." His relaxed air fades a little "I hope Hakan understands what he's going through -  you know how it is Rafa, we're used to our bodies feeling powerful. He can barely do anything at the moment."

"Well, he has you, you understand it."

"I guess so." He looks at Rafa and the smiles return. "You've finally stopped being jealous after all this time? Not that you ever needed to be anyway."

It's a good question, what is it he feels now exactly? "I'll always be a bit jealous, I think. But it's part of why I love you somehow, that you can care about a friend so much. And me...and your family...and our child, some day."

"I can't think about the Panel Meeting until Wimbledon's over. But I'm going to be shit scared."

"They'll love us, we're going to be great parents."

"Let's hope we can convince them of that."

                                                                 ********************************************

Sunday July 3rd: Circle Hospital, Reading

"You didn't tell her what happened?"

"No, I thought I shouldn't till I'd spoken to you. Melek, this...I mean, this is what you wanted, right? She's accepting I exist- that's the most important thing"

And it should be, except with everything that's happened - this feels like just one more........

"Did I do the right thing?"

Melek rouses himself to look a little more positive. "Of course. Do you know where she was calling from?"

"No. Maybe from Emira's - if your father doesn't know."

"I'm not sure how to handle it, Hakan, I would have flown home normally." Underneath the tiredness a desire to actually see his mother is beginning to grow. "We'll have to bring her here, although it's a lot for you to cope with."

"I did have a thought about that. She could stay with Anne and Baba, talking to Turkish people who have a gay son - that might help her come to terms with it."

That really is an excellent idea. "If they're OK with that...."

"They will be, they'll be glad to do something to help that isn't coping with Yusuf."

"He's no better?"

"He's much happier, that really helps, but behaviour wise - not really. I just can't give him what you do."

"He was hardly perfect with me either."

"I know, I just wish you were home. I know you won't be able to do much for a while but you'd be there."

Melek is somewhat torn between longing to be home and wondering how the hell he'll actually cope with it. Does he want Hakan to have to see him like this? Really see him? Well, they aren't going to let him home for a while so no point fretting now.

"Get my mother to give you a number, you shouldn't have to go between us, you have enough to do."

"I will." Time to get back anyway. "I'm sorry you've missed a visit from Roger, but I thought we should talk about this alone."

"You were right." Although he would have told Roger to sort out his fucking brain dead game plans - losing a set to Paire on grass? "I expect he found better things to do." He can have a pretty good guess what.

"I'm sure he did." Hakan gives one of those smiles that talking about Roger usually induces in people."You know what, Melek, I don't know if I should even say this, but.... I like Roger, I can see he's attractive but I can never imagine having sex with him somehow, I just can't see him that way."

"I don't know if even I can any more." They still share the odd blow job sometimes but that isn't about desire; Melek understands that need of Roger's to reconnect with his lost, completely innocent body, to use their shared knowledge of how it had been. The pain has healed for both of them now although the memories remain. "But we've been good friends to each other, Hakan, I'd be heartbroken if I ever lost that, I really would."

"I don't think you ever will." He gets up to go. "Melek, it's tough right now, but...I don't ever forget how lucky I am you're alive. I can't bear to think..."

"Stop it." He doesn't want to think about that. "We'll get through this." 

 July 2016: Manacor

"Is Roger recovered from Wimbledon, Rafael?"

"Oh yes, he always gets over these things quickly." The semi-final loss had been disappointing but Roger seems to have accepted now that endless victories are off the table and that he will just have to wait for opportunities. In fact his enjoyment of the game itself seems to be reviving. Rafa had not himself been anything like so phlegmatic and can only admire that.

"Good" Luciana is sitting comfortably on the sofa in their home, where Roger has made himself scarce. Rafa had been unsure of the wisdom of holding the meeting here but a hotel had seemed very souless. He reminds himself to be a good host.

"Coffee?"

"Of course, what else? Did you have a chance to look at the campaign plans? Are you happy with them?"

"I'd like to get more publicity for the Academy in there but everything else is great." He returns from the kitchen. "Is that how you like it?"

"Perfect." She smiles at him as he sits down again. "Let's see what we can do about that" She types away and then moves to sit next to him showing the screen . "Is that better?."

"Oh yes" She's sitting quite close and her perfume, as ever, is enticing. She's never brought up her suggestion again and there's never been any awkwardness.....

"Rafa...?"

"Sorry, what did you say again?"

"I was asking what dates would be good for filming?"

"I'll look at my schedule but it's a lot easier now I'm not playing."

"I do miss you on the courts." She's edged a little closer.

"Luciana....I...." He's not moving away though.

"Roger really couldn't be persuaded?"

"No, but...." Oh shit, he's about to get into deep waters here "I have his permission..." He's drowning in desire now, wanting to feel everything......he's missed it.......

"Then why are you even hesitating?"

"Luciana." He can't deceive anyone "Roger wouldn't mind because he knows I'll never stop loving him whatever happens. So...I'd be using you and I don't feel right about that."

She looks at him kindly. "Rafa, I have no more desire for a relationship than you have, but you are very attractive and I would love to go to bed with you. And I think you want that too - maybe Roger knows you'd need it someday, better that you don't let everything build up in you."

God, he wants her so, so much....

"Come on then."

He makes a quick stop in the bathroom for supplies then takes her to one of their spare rooms - it doesn't feel right to use their own bedroom. And then her scent, the reminder of what a woman's body looks like, somehow so familiar and yet now so strange, how it feels, the difference, it's hard to restrain himself as he remembers he doesn't need to worry about prep, anticipating the pleasure of just being able to push in but he musn't be too selfish.....

There's a whisper in his ear. "Just do it, Rafael, I want it now"

Oh, he can't resist now, she's wrapping her legs around his back inviting him in - Roger has taught him to be disciplined and he moves with luxuriating slowness until they're both unable to hold back, once he's sure she's ready he abandons himself completely. It's a while before he comes back to awareness.

"Roger's a lucky man, Rafael" 

She's sitting up smiling but not trying to hold him; Roger always curls up close, he often likes to just stroke the back of Rafa's neck after sex as if he can't bear to accept that it's over, always craving that closeness.....

"Rafael, are you OK?" She has her hand on his arm.

He fights back the tears. "Yes, of course." He mustn't make her feel bad. "That was wonderful."

"It was. But it's upset you."

He can't stop crying now - God, what will she think of him? He feels his hand being taken.

"You're not worried about how Roger will react are you?"

"Oh no." He suspects Roger will be amused more than anything. And he himself gave permission for that week in London with Melek, he recognised what Roger needed just as Roger guessed (rightly) he would one day need this. He has no guilt.

"Then....?"

"I suppose I didn't know how _I_   would react." He can't tell her how much he wishes Roger were here right now, how he wants to see him smiling, hear him laughing, listen to his complaints about some match official, some annoying fan. How long before he's back?

Luciana gives his hair an affectionate rub. "I'm going to get dressed, I think you need some time to think."

She's a kind person, he pulls himself together a bit. "Luciana, that really was wonderful, I mean...you know that."

That provokes a laugh. "Yes, I could tell. It was great for me too - I'll let you decide on the future."

"Thank you."

                                                       ************************************************

"Roger, I have...I have to tell you something."

"Something's wrong?" They'd been lying quietly on the bed, Roger sits up now.

"Not exactly, you remember you gave me permission...well, I did it."

"You did?" Roger smiles "Was it good?"

"It was....the sex was very good but...." he feels the tears welling up again, "but..."

Roger's arms come around him in the way he'd been longing for that afternoon. "Then what's wrong, I'm not upset, you shouldn't feel guilty"

"It's not that. I just realised...I always thought sex was better with you because you were good at sex, somehow. I mean...you're great at sex....but.....it's better with you because.....it's you. 

"And that's a bad thing?

"No, it just made me realise how much I love you. And how I've never really loved anyone else like that..... I thought I loved Cristina before we split up the first time but now I know I didn't." Roger's hand stroking through his hair is wonderfully soothing. He switches to Catalan to tell him a bit more about how he loves him - Roger understands a fair bit of the language now. He says nothing in reply but holds Rafa more tightly - Rafa has always loved being close like this but he's never fully understood the silent language before - the words that stay unspoken. There's no need to break the silence - he'll let Roger do that.

"You think you'll want to do it again?"

"Yes." Better be honest about that. " I wouldn't go looking for it and I'd need to be sure the woman wouldn't be hurt, Luciana certainly wasn't. I don't think it'll be very often. But you were right Roger, I can't go my whole life not touching a woman again."

"I never thought you could. Best we're open about that."

"What about you?"

"Oh, I can definitely go through life not touching a woman."

"You know what I mean."

"I like sharing, that's fun. But I don't need to go off on my own, not at the moment anyway."

"Tell me if that changes."

"I will. Sleep?"

"Please. And can you stroke the back of my neck?"

"Like this?"

That brings the tears back but he lets them fall.

 

July 2016: London 

It's been a tough day - Melisa starting to walk is a thrill but means Hakan needs to watch her all the time and now this.....

"Come on, Yusuf, you know you have to do your reading book, Miss Kazantkis will be cross if you can't read the words tomorrow"

"I don't like reading, Baba. It's boring."

"Let's get it done, then you can have some TV."

"No, I hate it."

"Well, you have to do it." He picks up Yusuf and puts him on his knee. "Look, these first words are easy, you know how to sound them out."

"No, I don't."

"Yes you do, come on, show me how well you can read."

"No." He's struggling to get off now, his arms manage to find a painful spot on Hakan's ribs."

"Stop this Yusuf, just FUCKING DO IT." Oh shit, shit, shit......

There's no end to the screaming now "I hate you, you're nasty, I want Daddy, where's Daddy?"

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have...." He lets Yusuf go and watches him vanish upstairs. He tries to catch his breath but sees Melisa has put down her board book and is watching him, tears streaming down her face.

"It's OK, Melisa, Baba's alright now." He picks her up and she snuggles into him, it lets him get some kind of grip on himself. But he is very, very far from alright.

 July 2016:Reading

Whilst the food in the hospital is unquestionably good it's also having some unwanted side effects. Melek has never thought of himself as being particularly vain but a fit and muscular sportsman's body has always made lovers easy to find - he's used to men finding him attractive. Of course Hakan loves him for other things besides his body but even so - and of course he wants to get back to maximum fitness. Surely a little more exercise wouldn't do any harm? He tries a few abdominal exercises - Jesus, does he actually have stomach muscles any more? - this is terrible - come on, put a little more effort in. That's better....the pain is familiar -he's used to that.....oh shit, not quite that bad though......oh fuck, this isn't right at all.... he manages to press the button before he passes out.....

                                                                 ****************************************************

The bed is comfortable but the surroundings unfamiliar - what happened?

"Did I get moved?"

"You're in the main hospital, you had a bleed from the damaged kidney. It's surprising as the last scan we did showed it was healing up nicely, do you have any idea what might have caused it?" The doctor's keeping a neutral tone but Melek is not deceived.

"I think...that might have been my fault." Might as well be honest. "I've probably been trying a bit too hard with the rehab."

If Melek was expecting a (fully-justified) telling off it doesn't happen. "You do need to work hard in rehab but it's a question of finding the right balance. If you end up doing damage to yourself then that's going to set you back."

"I know. It was stupid."

"You're not the first. But trust your therapists, if they set you a limit, stick with it."

"I will. Did you have to tell my husband, by any chance?" Hakan is unlikely to be as forgiving as the doctor.

"I did. But I told him I don't think it's too serious, a couple of days rest should put you back on track. Provided you allow that to happen....." further words aren't necessary.

                                                                                            ***********************************************

"Why don't I take the kids outside so you two can talk for a while?" The children had proved a great distraction but Hakan's mother is probably right, time to stop putting things off.

"Melek, what happened? The doctor couldn't really tell me what caused it."

"He was being tactful. It was probably my fault, Hakan, I was trying to do some abdominal exercises and I wasn't...….ready."

"What on earth were you doing? You must have known that was stupid."

"I don't know what I was thinking, I was..." How does he even begin to explain? "I just didn't like the way I was looking." It sounds even worse said aloud.

"I nearly went out of my mind when the doctor rang, it was like getting that call at work all over again. All that because you were worried about your muscle tone?"

"You should be angry, I know I was an idiot. It won't happen again."

"It had better not." Hakan's anger seems to have dissipated though. "It probably wasn't all about that anyway, I don't think you're that vain!"

"I hope not." What really was behind it? "I guess it's just hard to accept I'm going to be like this for a while...and I might never get back to what I was."

"It's just time, Melek, you'll get there."

"We both need to face realities, Hakan, I might not. I think we're better talking about that than pretending it couldn't happen. I talked to the therapist this morning about how she sees things"

"And?" 

"She thinks there is a chance I'll walk with a limp, that I might need a stick. It's the pelvic fracture that makes thing uncertain. I was a professional sportsman, Hakan, that would be hard. And I'd have to look at a new career, definitely"

"But that's the worst case, right?"

"Yes. I asked her to be truthful, she said she thinks it will be better than that, maybe even a lot better, but she can't be sure. So.....I'm going to plan for the worse and hope it doesn't happen. But at least I'll be ready for it."

"Melek, you're strong, you're intelligent, you speak three languages perfectly, you have Roger Federer on your CV, whatever happens you'll be OK."

"You forgot the most important thing - I have you." That statement really shouldn't make Hakan look like someone's just hit him.

"Fuck, I'm not much use...."

"Hakan, talk to me, what is it, come here." 

"God, I'm sorry, you don't need my problems at the moment."

"Don't be an asshole, I told you, there's nothing wrong with my mind. Talk."

"It's just the kids, I'm useless with them, I don't know how you do it. Yusuf hates me, and Melisa - she looked scared of me a few days ago." He tells him everything that happened. "I love them but... I don't know how to cope with them."

"It's very hard, I feel pretty useless myself sometimes. I've made plenty of mistakes with them."

"But I pushed you into adopting Melisa, Melek, I kept saying _Oh you'll be fine_ and I realise now ...… I just assumed you'd do most of the work, I never thought about what that meant for you...... It was so fucking selfish of me."

"You're sorry we adopted Melisa? I'm not."

"No." The realisation seems to calm him a little. "I love her, just like I love you... and Yusuf. I just wish... I could enjoy them and I wasn't such a fucking awful parent".

"You aren't, it's just very hard with me stuck here. Hakan, we need to accept this is shit and stop trying to do everything the hard way. We should take Roger's money, talk to the counsellors here, get all the help we can. Neither of us are in a state to keep going on like this."

Hakan doesn't say anything for a while. "You're really OK with asking Roger for more money? "

"No I'm not, but I won't let my family go under. Do you have any better ideas?"

"No." Hakan even manages a smile. "I don't suppose he'll notice it."

"Definitely not."

"I'd better go and find Anne and the kids then we need to get going."

It's been wonderful to see them and some decisions have been made. But he hadn't told Hakan everything the therapist had said. He'd asked her to be honest and he doesn't regret that but...… a life lived always with pain? A life where he can't walk freely? Not to mention what she had phrased delicately as "possible sexual dysfunction." Can he really be brave about such a future? If that's what his family need him to be, then yes.


	29. Moving On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bit quicker update this time. Hope you all enjoy.

August 2016:London

Fatma had had some doubts about Melek's arrangements for her visit to London - Hakan's parents had sounded like the sort of educated, metropolitan Turks who sometimes regard Germans as backward peasants - but Ecrin and Ahmet have been very welcoming. Ecrin has welcomed her help in the kitchen and seems delighted to have company.

"You have amazing hands for this"

"Thank you." She'd always been proud of her skills.

"You had no trouble arranging this visit?"

"No" She had made up a rather unconvincing explanation for her husband but he had accepted it without question. She suspects Mehmet knows full well what is happening but is choosing to turn a blind eye.

"And tonight you will meet Hakan and the children. He will love you forever - this is his favourite dish"

Hakan. Her son's husband. How are those words even possible? And yet this woman is in the same position and has accepted it.

"Ecrin, how did you...did you not mind...." She doesn't know how to phrase it.

"How did we feel about our son being gay?" How can she say the word so casually? "It wasn't easy, Fatma, you can imagine. Our hopes for him - so many of them seemed to vanish. And our family in Turkey - we thought they might reject him... and us."

"But you accepted it?"

"He made it clear he wasn't going to live a lie. It was accept him or lose him and I couldn't bear that." She seems to realise what she's just said. "I'm sorry Fatma...I didn't mean....how stupid of me..."

"No, no, I did lose my son, that's what happened." She puts down the knife she was using, she doesn't want to lose a finger.

"But now it is easier. Maybe he would have married an English girl who didn't understand our culture, who had no time for us. Melek… he is such a good person, he loves our son and their children so much. The children are not easy - he never loses patience with them." She smiles briefly. "I never expected my son to have a husband but I am very happy with the one he chose".

This is Melek? In her head he is still a defiant teenager, determined to go his own way, scornful of his family's wishes. She had always feared losing him to Germany and so it had turned out. How did he become this man that Ecrin speaks of with such warmth? When she sees him again he will be a stranger.

                                                               **********************************************

The children, she can well imagine, would not be easy, the boy especially but he's calmed down temporarily, mainly due to her superb food. True to his mother's word, Hakan had eaten it with obvious enjoyment.

"Melek told me how wonderful your food was."

"He always took it for granted at home." Hakan is handsome, serious, intelligent looking, she would have been delighted if one of her daughters had brought him home as a husband..... but she needs to make the adjustment, stop thinking like this. "How is my son? He wouldn't tell me much on the phone."

Hakan doesn't answer immediately, perhaps he's wondering how much to say. "He's recovering slowly but I think he's still in a lot of pain, he won't tell me everything." He frowns slightly. "He doesn't want me to be worried"

The teenage Melek had never been that considerate. "He must have changed a great deal."

"Maybe. I didn't meet him until he was in his thirties. Tell me more about him as a child."

"He always did his own thing." She must try and sound more positive, reach back to the good things. "But he was very strong, Germans don't expect Turkish boys to play tennis, that wasn't easy. And he was kind, he looked after his sisters, made sure they were safe." It's a startling thought, she's become so used to her bitterness that he had abandoned his family, she'd forgotten that he had cared for them in his own way.

"That doesn't surprise me, his family is everything to him, not just me and the children, Roger too, and one or two others."

Of course, how could she have forgotten? Curiosity overcomes everything.

"You know them? Roger and Rafael?"

"Of course"

"What are they like?"

He seems to be suppressing a smile, he really is handsome....if only...so much better a husband for one of her girls than Salim or Eymen or Mustafa, not a brain cell among them.......

"They're very nice, Roger is...light-hearted, always laughing but he cares about people very much, Rafael is more.....serious, he thinks deeply, I'm probably closer to him but I like them both. Melek is much closer to Roger, they've been friends for a long time"

She already knows this but it's still strange to think of her son as being connected with someone like that. Who was that boy Melek had seemed close to?

"He had a tennis friend as a boy." What was his name?

"Sebastian?"

"Yes, that was it."

"They're still good friends, Sebastian helped me a lot when Melek was first injured. His wife too."

So it wasn't Sebastian who had led Melek astray...she had always wondered....

They are interrupted by Yusuf yelling excitedly at them, Hakan translates with a smile.

"He's wondering if there are any more of those wonderful sekerpare?"

"Of course." She fetches some more from the kitchen. Yusuf eats them with a blissful expression on his face.

"He doesn't speak Turkish?"

"He understands some things but he doesn't speak it. When we adopted him his speech was very delayed so we were told to speak to him only in English, it was too much for him to catch up with two languages." He turns to look at Fatma seriously. "I know his behaviour isn't good at the moment, he's still traumatized from the accident but the change since we adopted him is amazing and that's because of Melek."

Melek. Her son. The total stranger. Who she will see tomorrow - a thought that inspires both dread and longing.

August 2016; Reading

It had been good of Ahmet to drive her here - really Hakan's family are very good people.

"Thank you so much for this, that was very kind."

"Not at all, you didn't want to be worried about finding the place when you must be excited. When should I meet you? Will an hour be long enough?"

"I'm sure it will." Maybe they'll have nothing to say to each other.

She finds her way to the right room and knocks......

"Anne, thank you for coming...it's good to see you again."

She's seen photos but it's still a shock.... this man looks very like her son but is he really.....? And he's not getting up to greet her - but of course, he can't...

"You got here easily?"

"Yes, it was very good of Ahmet." She must pull herself together, she walks over and kisses him, trying to look calm. "How are you - I couldn't believe it when they told me what had happened."

"It's a bit slow, the recovery but I'm getting there." She would have known exactly how much pain he was in when he was a boy but now....how can she tell...she remembers Hakan's words...she must know.......

"Tell me it all."

He smiles a little - he'd always refused to tell her very much as a teenager but now he seems a bit more willing - it's obvious as she listens that the injuries are serious.

"And you're listening to what they tell you? You're doing exactly what they say?"

"I am now, but you must remember....I'm not the best at following instructions....."

Oh yes she does remember that. "Melek, you should be listening to the doctors, you always think you know best." Still the same......

He looks like he's trying not to laugh. "We haven't seen each other for twenty years and already we're having an argument?"

That does seem silly. "Tell me about your children, I met them last night."

His face lights up as he describes them - her useless blots of sons-in-law never talk about their children like this - but he seems rather delusional about Yusuf's behaviour, she must give him some advice....

"And did you like Hakan?" He's staring at her intently. 

"I...I...did, he seems like a very good person."

"He is.  Anne, that was all I wanted, to live my life with someone I loved. I didn't want to marry a woman I couldn't love, knowing I was going to make her unhappy. I never wanted to lose you all but I couldn't live like that."

"I...I understand." Hadn't she decided she couldn't live a life without seeing her son again? It's not so different.

"I want to know about everyone. Emira doesn't seem terribly keen on her brothers-in-law"

"The one she married is no better."  It's easy to talk about the many inadequacies of her sons-in-law, she doesn't even notice the time passing until there's a knock on the door.

"Are you ready, Fatma? I promised Ecrin we'd be back by 5."

"Of course." This can't be everything.... "Can I see you tomorrow, Melek? I can come by train now I know where the place is."

"I'd like that, please come." She notices he's looking tired, hopefully that'll be better tomorrow, she needs to make sure he's doing everything right...….

                                                                                           *************************************************

"Do you want to talk about it, Fatma? I don't want to intrude...…"

"No, not at all." Ecrin certainly is a nice person. "It was...strange to see my son again, not easy." 

"I can imagine."

She must explain one thing though. "Ecrin, this is hard for me but it's nothing against your son, I liked him very much."

"I understand. Fatma, I've accepted who Hakan is, and the way I feel about your son has helped with that, but it's still not easy. I'm fond of the children but I don't feel the same as if they were really my grandchildren. Don't expect too much of yourself"

That actually is a good thing to hear, she doesn't need to be perfect. "Seeing Melek like he is was hard too, I didn't quite realise what happened, I must...must find a way to help him"

"Then forget about husbands, and the past. Just think about looking after your son"

                                                 *************************************************

Even though it's not the first time, it's still a shock not to see a teenage boy, will she ever really adjust to this?

"I'm glad you came again." He does look genuinely pleased, it brings tears to her eyes.

"I had a good journey, it felt better knowing I wasn't causing Ahmet any trouble."

"I'm sure he didn't mind". He looks less tired than yesterday but there are lines...of course they might be there normally, how would she know?

"Melek, what have the doctors said to you? About everything, about the future"

His answer sounds rather brief, she supects there's more, as always he's shutting her out of things....

"You're not telling me everything, I'm your mother, I want to know"

Oh no, he never cried as a teenager, this can't be right, what has she done....

"I'm sorry, you're a grown man now....it's hard for me to remember."

"No, it's....it's what I'd expect from you somehow...it makes me feel like you actually are my mother. That you're really here."

Oh God, she'd been so full of anger, so convinced that he'd cared nothing for them. Had it ever occured to her that he might have missed them, that maybe he had sometimes been unhappy, had needed her?

"Anne?"

She shakes herself out of these painful thoughts, this is her son, who needs her.

"Melek, I'm here for you now. How is it really?"

It's all somewhat hesitant in the telling but it seems Hakan is right, the pain is greater than he's been admitting to.

"You must tell Hakan, it's not right to keep these things from him." She must make sure he does everything right. "And Yusuf, he needs more discipline, he can't be causing trouble when you get home." Unruly children are something she does know about.

"What do you suggest, Anne?"

Finally he's asking for advice, he really has matured.

                                                             *********************************************

                                                             *********************************************

It's becoming clear that it was just as well he and Hakan had settled in London since his mother is clearly intent on taking over their lives. And yet there is something wonderful about her concern, it feels much less oppressive than it had when he was a child and growing man. Still, given that her advice on dealing with Yusuf would undoubtedly lead to further trauma ( it would hardly be fair to expect his mother to be aware of the needs of adopted children but still.....) it's perhaps just as well that Germany is a good safe distance away. She can't do too much harm from there.

                                                              ********************************************

                                                              ********************************************

"Are you nearly packed?" She is, she hadn't really brought much.

"Ecrin, thank you so much for letting me stay, it has been much nicer than a hotel"

"It's me who should be thanking you, Fatma." She hesitates. "My Turkish friends think I should be much more upset about Hakan than I am, my English friends think I should not be sad at all. It's been good to talk to someone who knows it isn't simple."

"No, it isn't. But I must talk to Mehmet, Ecrin, Melek is going to need my help when he gets home, especially with those children. Mehmet will just have to accept that, I've lost so many years already."

"I'm sure you can help them, but their house isn't very big. Why don't you stay here?"

"You've done more than enough already."

"Not at all, we've enjoyed having you and.....if it means I don't have to help with the children..."

"After some time with me, they will behave much better." There will be so much she can do to help.

"Then you must definitely come back. But I will insist on you making some more sekerpare."

"That will be no problem." There's no doubt that staying with Ecrin will make things easier, all she has to do is wait for Melek to tell her when he'll be home.....

 

August 2016: Reading

_"You didn't realise I liked boys as well?"_

_"No, I really didn't." Oskar, the handsome German demi-god his sister was obsessed with had featured in plenty of Melek's fantasies but he hadn't expected him to sneak into his bedroom._

_"I knew about you though." He sits down on the bed and pulls down the duvet. "Take your shorts off. Touch yourself for me."_

_"What about you?"_

_"In a minute. Oh yes, I like that, do it some more..." It actually does feel surprisingly good to have Oskar's eyes glued to him like this but Melek has no intention of getting nothing in return. He lets things carry on for a couple more minutes. "Take yours off too."_

_"What are you going to do?"_

_"This" He lowers his mouth onto Oskar's cock (which is considerably less impressive than he'd imagined it) and gets to work._

_"Shit, Melek, that is... oh shit...." He grabs Melek's hair but it's unnecessary, this feels far too good to let go... and if he can get the timing with his hand just right......_

 He wakes with a start, puzzled for a moment until his German bedroom disappears and the hospital room reasserts itself. What the fuck...? Oskar had been a brainless idiot but a good body... there's a familiar, tight, aching sensation somewhere.... he gives a tentative stroke and feels a jolt of pleasure shoot up his spine, a couple more and his stomach muscles are tightening in response, shit, better stop now, he can't afford to do any more damage. By the time everything's settled down it's too late for sleep but it doesn't matter, this is the happiest he's felt since the accident. It seems that some parts of his body at least, are still in working order...…..

                                                   **********************************************

"Melek, we should start talking seriously about your discharge, I think you're nearly ready."

"Oh."

"How do you feel about that?"

A good question. "I want to be home but it's a bit.... frightening"

"It's natural to be nervous about it. But it doesn't mean the end of rehab, we'll recommend a physio for you in London and you'll be coming back here for checks. You won't be coping alone."

It shouldn't be a surprise, Melek has been sticking religiously to instructions and has (perhaps unsurprisingly) been making better progress since, he's in less pain too. But coping without all the help that's available here...what will Hakan think?

"You look doubtful."

The therapist has become almost a friend, he decides to confide a little.

"I worry about my husband seeing me like this, I'm not sure he really understands...what I can't do."

"How would you feel if it was him? Would it bother you?"  

"Of course not."

"Then trust him - I've met Hakan, I don't think you have any need to worry. Anything else?"

"Only that I might not get back to my old job and never earn any money again." Not much to worry about.

"How much did you love it, your old job?"

A good question, tennis had been his life for so long. "It's who I am, I suppose."

"I'm sure you were very good at it, but it seems to me you're more than that. What else do you enjoy, what else do you care about?"

His children of course, actually as well as loving him he's fascinated by Yusuf, how he's developing, and he enjoyed doing that reserach for Roger....

"I suppose I could retrain for something but I didn't achieve much at school."

"Did you ever try?"

"No, not really." It wouldn't be easy writing in English either but....it's an interesting thought. Maybe there are courses he could do while he's recovering, he could look into it anyway. "Thank you, you've given me something to think about."

"Wait till we prepare you for going home. There's a lot of information about what you can and can't do."

"Sounds like fun."

 

September 2016:Palma

"I'm just going to keep on remembering what Isabella told us, Roger, there aren't any perfect answers, we just need to show we've really thought about everything."

"I'm just worried about not understanding something you say - they won't be impressed if we're saying different things."

"Make sure you get Josep to translate unless you're sure."

"Will do". He hopes he'll understand most of the questions but there's no way he can express his thoughts in Catalan. The emergence of a Panel member from the room puts a temporary halt to the thoughts.

"We're ready for you now." This is it then

"Why have you applied to be adopters?"

He understands most of what Rafa is saying, it's an answer they've pretty much prepared anyway.

"Roger?"

They seem to be smiling as they listen to Josep's translation - is that a good sign? The next few questions are fairly straightforward.

"If your child is teased for having two fathers how would you help them cope with that?"

Jesus...umm... his mind's gone blank..... "I suppose - I'd tell them to ignore it. To stick with their friends." They seem to be waiting for something more. "That's what I did."

"Can you tell us more about how you coped with that? You didn't find it hurtful?"

Had it hurt? It had but he'd always had someone around he could trust, Melek had told him who was safe and he'd tried to leave everyone else alone. Melek, Sebastian, Stan, Peter of course, not to mention the other gay players - it had been enough.

"Just that. I had my friends, I stuck with them."

"You didn't try and protest? You didn't tell people what they were doing was wrong?"

What the fuck good would that have done? It would only have made things worse. Shit, he mustn't get angry with them.

"No, I...I didn't."

He's not sure if that's enough, Rafa seems to give a much longer answer but he's too distracted to understand most of it. Better pull himself together for the rest.

They move on to other things, how they're going to manage, how will they cope with his travelling, how will they provide female role models (Rafa's family will ensure there's no shortage of those) then suddenly it's over.

"Thank you very much for that. We'll let you know when we've made our decision."

"Sorry, Rafa, I screwed up on that one question, I don't know what they wanted me to say."

"Don't worry, you were honest, what more could you do?"

"I bet none of these people are gay, what do they know about it? I was trying to survive."

"Hey" He feels Rafa's hand take a comforting grip on his. "You did all you could do, Roger, you didn't lie to anyone or mess around with fake girlfriends bullshit. And you would have come out sooner if it wasn't for me being a dickhead."

"It was harder for you." None of this is making him feel much better. "Do you think I could take a break? So long as I'm within reach?"

"Do it. I'll just say you've gone to get a drink and call you."

"Thanks" He wants to go and call Melek, the only person who might understand a bit. Luckily he's not in physio and he does remind Roger of the realities of life on tour. It helps.

"I'm back, any sign of life?"

"None".

He speaks too soon, the door is opening.

"We're ready for you now."

His head is buzzing far too much to take in any of the Catalan but Rafa is smiling so it looks hopeful......

Josep helpfully translates "They're going to approve you subject to some recommendations. Isabella will check whether you've met them and if she's happy, then it's all settled. Congratulations."

Everyone seems happy, Isabella doesn't seem to think there'll be a big problem. "They want more information about a couple of things, but you've got time to research and prepare. It's not that uncommon, they just need to be certain."

"I guess so." Actually all he wants is to get home, go out and practice, work things out on the court. Rafa's looking at him in a slightly worried way, he's clearly waiting for everyone else to be gone.

"This is good news, Roger. I know it's a pain, but Isabella honestly doesn't think there's anything to worry about and it's going to be her decision."

"Of course, it's a great result." It's a bit of a pretence, it doesn't feel at all great at the moment, but that's what you do right? Pretend you don't care about morons who think being gay means you shouldn't play their sport, and then pretend you're fine with _straight people_ telling you how you should feel and how you should act, when they know fuck all about it. He has a sudden hunger for the one thing that really would distract him - a sight of an old enemy in a familiar place.

"You up for practising with me? Flat out?"

Rafa's face stretches into a grin. "Think you can handle it?"

"It's the afters I'm worried about."

                                                   ***********************************************

The practice session and the afters have left Rafa in a state of near exhaustion but still sleep is proving elusive. Roger had proved the superior on the court and, perhaps in compensation had given Rafa free rein afterwards, even letting him tie his hands to the bed. It had felt as amazing as ever when Roger does this but somehow he always feels like crying when it's over, he knows that not even Melek was ever trusted with Roger's body to this extent and no-one else ever will be. And after today....of course he had known there was plenty of comment in the locker room after they had come out but he'd been a former World No 1, a winner of multiple slams, hardly the same as being an unknown pro just starting out. What would he know about that? Not much.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry not much R and R in this one but I was having too much fun with Melek's mother....


	30. The Adoption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope there's enough R and R here for those of you who have been waiting very patiently!
> 
> I couldn't find out enough information about the Spanish adoption system so I've just used the UK one - I hope this makes things a bit more realistic.

September 2016:Manacor

"Can you tell me how you would explain to your child why he has two fathers?"

"Oh yes" Roger hopes his smile looks confident. He has acquired an impressive array of picture books all explaining why life with two fathers is normal and he's even taken the time to read them. A Skype conversation with Yusuf had also proved surprisingly useful and actually quite reassuring. Isabella has an encouraging smile as he talks.

"Good, well, it certainly seems like you've considered everything."

She turns to Rafa and grills him on his plans for balancing the child's need for security with the demands of his own career. Even though Roger doesn't understand every Catalan word it seems that Rafa has everything covered.

"And you, Roger?" Isabella switchs back to English.

This feels comfortable, he and Rafa have talked through every detail. And there's no doubt money helps here, balancing his tennis schedule with being a father pretty much depends on fast and extremely comfortable travel. Isabella seems impressed.

"I'm very happy to recommend the Panel goes ahead and approves you, you've clearly worked very hard on this." She frowns a little. "Perhaps I shouldn't say this Roger but I thought the panel was harsh on you. I know life is hard for gay men in sport, they shouldn't have suggested you weren't doing enough."

"Thank you." Really he'd tried to forget about it. "That's it?"

"Yes. Once I've cleared the paperwork we can start looking at matching you."

This really is it then. He doesn't know if he's more exhausted or overjoyed but Rafa seems to have no such confusion.

"Fucking hell, Roger, we're really going to be parents, it's actually going to happen."

Of course joy wins. "Yeah."

                                                                   *************************************************

"Rafa, he has a speech delay and needs two Spanish speaking parents. It's not going to work."

"What if I speak to him A LOT in Spanish?

They're at the early stage of looking at profiles and it's already clear that if Rafa had his way they would soon be setting up a Children's Home.

"We can't adopt a child I can't speak to Rafa, it's not even as if we could use Catalan, he needs Spanish speakers." Not that that would be much use either, Rafa can speak to Roger in Catalan most of the time now but he never replies other than in English.

"I just hate seeing these children that need families and we can't help."

"I know, but we can't get carried away, we need to think clearly about this."

"Hakan said the same thing, that we'd want to say yes to everyone. He said they fell in love with Yusuf when they saw his profile but they had to be realistic as well."

"He's dead right. Love isn't going to be enough, Rafa, it can't turn me into someone who can speak Spanish."

"I know. Maybe our child is the next profile."

She isn't. She has a disability which would make flying very difficult and that's clearly impossible for them.

But they both pause over a child a few profiles later. 18 months old, wonderful smile, already talking.... They can't see anything in the profile that they wouldn't be able to manage.

"Should we..express an interest?" Rafa is failing to sound neutral.

"Definitely."  
                                                                   

                                                                                  *****************************************

"What didn't she like about us?"

They are staring at the message from the child's social worker, "No"

"It probably wasn't about that Rafa, I expect a lot of couples liked that child. She had to choose someone."

"Maybe she doesn't like gay couples. Perhaps we'll always be second choice."

"Hey." They musn't start thinking like this. "Perhaps she's a Novak fan and just hates us" Rafa's answering smile looks a little forced. "We can't give up right away, we'd have been very lucky to be matched with the first child we liked."

"I know, I was stupid to get my hopes up. I was already hearing them say "Tata."

Shit, they're going to have to be tougher than this. "Rafa, this might happen a few times, we knew that."

"Yeah. You want to go out on court? Watching you suffer will make me feel better."

"Come on."

                                                   

September 2016: Reading/London

"You sure you have all the instructions clear?"

"Yes." He think he has, although there's so many governing every single movement it would seem easier to just not move at all. Still, no point wasting his hard work by doing stupid things now. "My husband's rearranged the house quite a bit."

"Good, that will really help you" The therapist seems somewhat anxious, she looks like he did when he took Yusuf to school for the first time.

"Thank you for all your hard work, I know I wasn't the easiest."

"Better that than people who won't do any work at all. I want you to have a full recovery, Melek, you deserve it."

She has become a friend really, if he'd been straight she'd be the kind of woman he could imagine having a life with.

"Goodbye"

"See you in two weeks time."  
                                                                       

                                                                *************************************************

"Sure I can't help you?"

"It's fine" He's feels secure on the walker now - it's good exercise getting to the car.

"I don't want you falling over just as you're about to get home."

Fucking hell, he hopes Hakan isn't going to be like this for the next few months. Perhaps he'd better make things clear right now. "Hakan, if you start treating me like a child I'm going to check myself back in here, I'm sure Roger can pay the bill."

"While we're on that subject..."

"Don't tell me, he's asking for his money back."

"No, there's a present waiting for you at home."

"A bunch of flowers?"

"An automatic car."

"Oh."

"I told him it wasn't necessary, being a two-car family in London is ridiculous, but the thing turned up. I don't think Roger's even heard of a carbon footprint."

"Probably not." He can't help thinking that a car he can actually drive will be very useful, he'd been wondering how he'd manage on the Tube. " We can sell it as soon as I'm back to normal, Hakan" -of course he'll make a full recovery - "we'll give him the money back." They've reached Hakan's car now.

"Can you manage?"

"Only one way to find out." Getting in is a bit of a struggle but he manages. "You sure the kids will be back before we get home?"

"Yes. Yusuf's mad with excitement Melek, he'll probably knock you over."

"Can't wait." He really, really can't.  
                                                                                 

                                                                **********************************************

Yusuf has had a wonderful time careering around with the walker, but he's finally given way to exhaustion and is curled up against what he's being taught is Daddy's good side. He won't remember tomorrow but at least it's a start. Hakan has finally managed to sit down, having got Melisa into bed.

"Take a rest." He knows how hard it's been for Hakan, he won't be able to help him much physically for a while but hopefully just having support and love will improve things. "You've done an amazing job here." Hakan's got a bed sorted out downstairs and all the equipment is in place.

"That's OK, the more you can be independent the less moany you'll be."

"There's something I need to talk to you about. My mother."

"She's not happy?"

"Too happy. She's set on coming over here. I was thinking she might drive me up the wall but then I saw it might be useful."

"You sure? I liked her but she seemed like she'd enjoy taking over."

"She will. But Hakan, if she came, you could take on a contract maybe, even if it was abroad. I know you're missing your work, and it would give you a break."

"I've only just got you back, I'm not going anywhere. But if I could find a UK contract and your mother was here - yes, I'd love that. And it would mean taking less from Roger."

"Honestly, I can't even think about that at the moment." It wasn't what he would have chosen but it has relieved them of a lot of worry.

"I know." He looks at Yusuf. "I'm not going to be able to drag him away."

"Leave him for a while, he can sleep down here if he wants."

"Can't let him get into bad habits. Anyway, what if I wanted to come down here in a few days?" He looks rather pointedly at the bed.

It's not that it isn't a nice thought but it would mean Hakan having to see...…well, he's too tired right now anyway, worry about it later. "You're right, take him upstairs in a few minutes."

"OK".

It's only the first night and already he can see life is going to be harder than at the hospital. But he's surrounded by his family, he can feel their love all around him - the children's joy and excitement, Hakan's complete reorganisation of the kitchen and even the shiny new car outside. What could be more important than this?                                                          

                                                                                 ****************************************** 

The next morning a few of the problems are starting to become clear. Was there ever a time when keeping clean meant two minutes in the shower every day? Not struggling to get everything clean while avoiding all the scar tissue and trying not to fall over. Not to mention the difficulty of getting downstairs. Only the sound of Hakan and Melisa returning from the school run gives him the motivation to start the journey- they can have a coffee maybe....

Ten minutes later and he's finally made it to the living room.

"Any problems?"

"I had to convince him you'd still be here when he gets back. But it's football practice today so he was happy about that." Hakan looks distinctly less than happy himself. "Melek, you'd just gone upstairs when we went, has it taken you all this time just to wash?"

What's his problem? "It's a bit slow, there's all these rules to remember about not bending and things like that. But I managed, I'm clean." And he doesn't have to go upstairs again until tomorrow.

"Why didn't you just wait for me? I could have helped."

"No, you have enough to do." He's interrupted by Melisa crawling onto the sofa with a book and waiting expectantly - if coming home has been difficult in some ways this makes it all worthwhile. 

"Can you bring me a pile of these? I should be able to keep her entertained for a while."

"With pleasure." Hakan lies down on the opposite sofa and watches them, a measure of relaxation crossing over his face. Melek manages to keep her entertained for a good while and even after she's had enough she's happy to go off and play with her bricks. It's satisfying - he's actually done something useful.

"Any chance you could make me a coffee?"

"Of course." It tastes very good. But Hakan has that particular look which means he's about to say something unwelcome.

"Melek, are you not going to let me help you at all?"

God, he never gives up. "It's best I learn how to do these things, what if you weren't around?"

"It's not just that, is it? You've never let me see anything."

"Why would you want to?"

"Why would I mind? One day I want to make love to you again, how can I do that if you won't let me see you?"

"You think we should be discussing this in front of Melisa?"

"She wouldn't understand."

"Maybe not but it doesn't feel right talking about this in front of her."

"Promise me we will talk about it?"

"Promise." Perhaps he'll forget about it.

                                                                                 

October 2016: Shanghai

"Rafa, at least that one wasn't an immediate No"

"Yeah, I guess they had to come up with a better excuse than _we don't like same sex couples_ ".

God, they're never going to last out the process at this rate. Roger swallows a surge of irritation. "Everyone told us this would be a long process, we shouldn't be surprised"

"No." He doesn't speak for a while. "Honestly, Roger, I hadn't realised how used I am to being able to get things instantly. However much we've tried to stay normal, maybe we really aren't

"No, we aren't and this is one time when money and fame doesn't help. Which is as it should be, you shouldn't be able to buy a child."

"Want to look at some more profiles?"

"I do." There are children whose needs they know they can't meet but then there are two that they really think are possible.

"So we wait for the rejections again?"

"All we can do."

They settle into a not terribly comfortable silence, Rafa seems withdrawn and uncommunicative. Perhaps it's harder without the daily grind of practice and tournament preparation but still - isn't this what they'd been told to expect? And the end point may still be far away.

October 2016: London

It's been a rather frustrating conversation with his mother - Melek has no intention of answering her more intrusive questions and he hasn't yet discussed with Hakan when might be the best time for her to visit. He ought to be going downstairs but the bed feels really comfortable - the one he's using at the moment has been fine but hardly the same. Much easier for Hakan to come up here anyway.

"Where's Melisa?"

"Anne offered to take her to Snakes and Ladders." Hakan settles down beside him. "I wasn't going to turn that down."

"Definitely not. Hakan, have you looked around for any contract work yet? My mother was nagging at me just now."

"I'll start making some phone calls, shouldn't be too difficult."

"Good" Hakan at work would be a welcome return to normality. "I love seeing you obsessed with diagrams that look like alien spaceships"

"Do you?" Hakan's face has suddenly appeared very close to his. "Does it turn you on?"

How much has he missed kissing him? An awful lot, as it turns out. He pulls at his shirt. "Take this off. And those."

"Honestly?"

"Nothing wrong with my hands, or my mouth. You'll have to move where I tell you though."

It's wonderful to see Hakan's body again, to feel him responding, he's always known exactly where to touch, where to lick....

Hakan's hand over his own shorts is an unwelcome distraction.

"I'm not sure...."

"It feels like you're sure."

"I'm really not."

"I'm going to have to see sometime, Melek. Let me look." 

Perhaps there really is no point putting this off. He's always going to look mangled and scarred, is he going to keep that hidden forever?

"OK then"

Hakan looks with the same kind of attention he gives to his alien spaceships. "They're just scars Melek, they're not pretty, not ugly, they're like your knees or your feet, just there." He looks down at himself. "It doesn't seem like I mind them, does it?"

"Maybe I mind them."

"I know. And stop me if there's any pain. But I'll be careful."

Careful? That word seems somehow jarring and unpleasantly familiar. "We've never had to be careful."

"I can cope with not bouncing from the ceiling, Melek" He resumes his stroking in a way that does undoubtedly feel very good. But......

"Maybe we should wait. I don't want you worrying about hurting me."

"Your therapist said it was safe, right?"

There'd been a rather embarrassing conversation and a few warnings but that had been the basic message. "Yes, so long as we were...careful."

"And you trust me to stop?"

"Of course."

"Then what's the issue?" He actually does stop then. "Melek, this isn't just about the injuries, is it?"

"Sex is hard when you're worried about hurting someone." Shit, he doesn't want to remember all that.

Hakan looks puzzled then his face clears. "This is about Roger isn't it? What you had to do?"

"I suppose so." He can't tell Hakan much about it, that would betray Roger's privacy, but he doesn't want Hakan to go through that, simultaneously wanting someone but afraid of hurting them....  "I don't want you to feel like I did"

"I won't. And you're not going to feel like Roger did either. It isn't the same, Melek, that was in the past, this is now."

 "I suppose we can try..."

"Shhh" He makes sure conversation is impossible for a while. "You touch me, I touch you, as soon as it hurts, we stop, but it's going to feel fucking good first. Agreed?"

It sounds simple and it is. Melek actually doesn't get all that far before his stomach's hurting, and they have to stop, God knows how long it'll be before they get back what they had. But Hakan had been right, it had still felt fucking good.

                                                                                

 November 2016; London                                                          

"I have some news for you, Roger."

"Something wrong?"

"No. That little boy we expressed an interest in - his social worker has asked Isabella to send some more information about us."

"Oh."

"Isabella said to try and keep calm - the social worker might be asking for details on a few couples."

"That's still better than a straight No."

"Isabella's also sent us more information about the child, Roger, I haven't looked at it - I thought we should do that together."

"Thank you. Let's do that."                                                     

**Elian.**

They're trying to make sense of all the jargon so they can start to understand who he is. The general picture is clear.

_Twenty months old.....his parents weren't cruel to him but were unable to understand his needs.... spent too much time not being stimulated....was once left alone overnight while they went out.......he's behind where he should be developmentally but has been progressing fast since going into foster care.....good chance he'll be able to catch up......ready for his permanent home....preferable that he should be the only child in family so he can have maximum attention........._

There's a photo of him playing with some cars.

"I want to be Elian's father, Rafa, look at him. He looks like...ours, he even has your nose."

Elian's nose looks much like any other toddler's but Rafa knows what Roger means...maybe they're just kidding themselves but he does look a bit like both of them, surely?

"Remind me what Isabella said?"

"Elian's social worker wanted more information about us from Isabella and then she'll get in touch if she's still interested. If that happens we have to know and understand every sentence in this profile, Roger, Isabella said we'll have to show why we're the best parents for Elian."

"We are, I'm certain of it."

"Then we'll need to prove it."

                                                                       ***************************************

"Roger, there's been a message from Isabella."

"And?"

"Elian's social worker wants to meet us."

"Maybe she just wants autographs."

"Fuck, Roger, I don't know what to think, I don't know if I can stand getting my hopes up and then finding out he won't be ours after all."

"We'll just have to take the risk, Rafa, we have to act like we could be his parents. And that means we have to believe it could happen."

"We need to go over that profile."

"Every fucking word."

"And I think we should talk to Melek and Hakan - they must have said the right things - we can find out what they were. When are we seeing them?

"Thursday afternoon. And it's a good idea."                                                                         

                                                                   *************************************************

The lunch has been fun and they've got some very helpful advice from it too. This is the first opportunity he's had to talk to Hakan alone - he's glad to see he looks a lot less less strained than when they last saw each other. Melek looks older and clearly some way yet from anything like a full recovery but he seems undaunted by it all - he can hear him laughing and talking loudly in German with Roger.

"How are things going with you? You seem better than last time."

"I am. I'm still doing just as much work, obviously, but it's having the support, especially with the kids. I don't feel like I'm struggling alone anymore."

"I'm sure you were doing fine."

"I really wasn't, Rafa, there were times when I was afraid of what I might do to them. If I feel like I'm getting close to that now I just go and talk to Melek, it makes such a difference."

"Isabella keeps talking about the support."

"She should do." it would have seemed impossible for Hakan to look more serious than he does normally but there it is, "Rafa, when you have your son you'll love him totally, you'll be so proud of him, but it's not quite like having your own baby, our kids have damage from what happened to them and yours will too. You can't wish that away."

"You're trying to put us off now? I think it's too late for that."

"No, I'm not, I wouldn't change anything, I wouldn't swop ours even if we could magically have our own kids. But....we can tell you what it's like, you can think you understand, but you won't really until it happens. And you'll need that support, make sure your own family knows that - and we're here for you too."

"Thank you." He knows that Hakan is right but he can't focus on anything except persuading the social worker that Elian is their son, they can't think about what comes after, or the might-have-beens. Just the now.

Over the other side of the room the discussion between Roger and Melek seems to be getting even louder, Melek has an imaginary racket in his hand and seems to be demonstrating where he thinks Roger is going wrong with his top-spin. Rafa quite agrees with him but he's never had any luck persuading Roger. Probably Melek won't either judging by Roger's reaction.

"Do you understand what that's all about?"

"Not the words obviously. But I can see what Melek means and I think he's right. But you'll never get Roger to play tennis any differently."

"He's stubborn?"

"He's easy-going on most things. But when he is set on something, you can't change his mind at all."

"Then he's not like Melek."

"No?"

"Melek has strong opinions usually. But he'll always change his mind if he realises he was wrong." He gets up suddenly. "I must go, I have to pick up the kids. Will you still be here when I get back? Yusuf will be really upset if he finds out he's missed you."

"Don't worry, we can stay for a while." Perhaps he should go and intervene before Roger and Melek come to blows. "Melek, I can tell you now, you won't get anywhere, I've told him all this myself."

"I know. In all the years I've known him he's never taken my advice on anything but still I keep on trying."

"I took your advice when it mattered, Melek." He smiles up at Rafa, waving his hand with its wedding ring. So much that Rafa owes to both of them, has he ever really told Melek that? Always been too embarrassed and awkward probably. One day he must find the words.

December 2016: Manacor

We're going to rent a property every time he comes with me for a tournament. That means we can make sure his bedroom looks exactly the same - he'll always feel he's at home." Elena smiles encouragingly as Josep translates - thank God Elian is from Barcelona and has a Catalan social worker. So far Roger has managed to understand all her questions - he can prove that he'd have no problems understanding Elian.

"Rafael, who will support you when Roger is away at tournaments and you're not with him?"

That one's easy - there's a whole host of Rafa's family and friends ready to help.

"And you, Roger, who will support you?"

"My family can easily travel. And my best friend has an adopted son - so he can advise me on lots of things, like he already has." Melek had actually told him to mention that quite a bit - that the social worker would want to know they understood what they were taking on. "Tell her you know it'll be a fucking bitch sometimes." Roger had slightly rephrased that but Elena had indeed seemed pleased that he was being realistic.

The remaining questions Rafa takes on - he is going to be the main carer after all. He has plenty to say but to Roger's expert eye he seems tense - he doesn't think Elena will notice anything though. Certainly she gives no sign.

"I think that's everything." She closes the folder. "I'm going to take some time to go over what you've said but I will tell you I'm impressed with the way you've thought so hard about this. When I look for parents for my children - that's what I want to see. I'll let you know as soon as possible"

"Thank you." She refuses their offer of a drink, maybe small talk would feel too awkward after that.

"Sounds hopeful, Rafa. We couldn't have done any more anyway."

"No. You sounded great, Roger, really on the ball."

"That's down to Melek. He told me all the buzz words I had to get in."

"Let's hope it works." He leans back on the sofa and closes his eyes. Of course it's too early for any joy but still, Rafa should look happier than this.

"Rafa, you're not OK, you think it didn't go well?"

"It's not that, I just want to find Elian and take him home. I hate having to talk to a stranger - to need her permission to look after our son."

"He will be our son, I'm sure of it. But Elena needs to be sure too, that's her job.She has to put him first"

"Maybe."

"We knew it would be like this."

"No, _you_ knew Roger, you've known for years that this is what you'd have to do to have kids. I always thought I'd just get my wife pregnant and that would be it."

He fucking said that? "Well, I'm so sorry I couldn't give you babies, Rafa, but it's hard when you have a cock, you know?" Fuck him for that, fuck him....

"Fuck, Roger, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean.... Fuck, don't look like that."

Best not to say any more right now. "I'm going to the gym, Rafa, just leave it, OK? We'll talk later." He tries a bit of a smile but it probably looks as fake as it feels. Go and work some of the anger off.....

                                                                                  ***********************************************

The anger has worn off a little by the time Rafa comes down to the gym but the pain - not so much.

"Hi"

"Roger, I'm sorry, I was a total twat, I just love this kid so much and it's hard - thinking he might be someone else's after all."

"I know. But you can't just unsay what you said, Rafa, it's something in your head, isn't it. That your life would be easier without me. And you could have had your own kids."

"Roger, I've never...."

"Never?" Perhaps he shouldn't even be pressing this but what's the point of hiding things? "It's true though, isn't it?"

"Roger, I....." But then Rafa seems to give up on pretending things. "Some things would be easier, yes. But I can't live a life without love and without you, so none of those things really matter."

The anger really has gone and maybe the pain has always and will always be there, just something he carries inside him. What can they do about it, things are what they are. He gets off the bike, goes over to Rafa and lets himself relax. 

"There is a life I could have had with Cristina that would have felt comfortable, Roger, and yes, I would have loved our children." Perhaps this really is something he needs to say. "But it wouldn't have been enough and she would have hated me in the end. You - every time you're away I get excited when I know you're coming home - it's still the same - every day I wake up and I'm not sure what's going to happen. That's the life you've given me - and it's the only life I want, honestly.And maybe your life would have been easier with a different husband too."

"Some  _fucking boring bastard."_

"That's what you wanted?

"It's the boyfriend Melek told me to look for."

"I hope he doesn't think that's what you ended up with."

"No. And it would have driven me insane." 

"Would a boring boyfriend do this?" Rafa is suddenly kneeling in front of him and pulling at his shorts.

"We're having a  _serious discussion_ and you're turning it into sex?

"Yes. I'm going to show you how glad I am you have a cock. Even if it can't have babies." Rafa uses his mouth in a way that makes Roger cry out, he usually works more slowly than this but it feels right - Roger can feel his hunger as if it was his own. And Rafa knows full well that with a view like this he won't last very long.....

"You're like a fucking teenager, Roger, you should learn better control."

"It won't ever change, Rafa, I'm a boring bastard."

"You really think Elian will be ours?"

"He's our son, anyone can see that."

"I hope so."

                                                                      ********************************************

"I can't look at it, Roger, you'll have to do it."

"It'll be in Catalan, Rafa, best if you read it."

Probably neither one of them wants to have to tell the other the bad news, if that's what it is. But someone will have to....

"Go on, Rafa, you know that makes sense."

"OK"

He reads quickly and doesn't leave Roger in suspense.

"Elena's going to recommend us as Elian's permanent family. So...it'll go to matching panel but Isabella says she's never known them turn anyone down. They'll go with what the social workers recommend."

"So...he's ours?"

"It seems like it. We can't meet him until after matching panel but Isabella's sent some videos. And we should start getting everything prepared." Rafa looks remarkably calm.

"So...what now?"

"We tell our families, we start getting things ready....and I suppose we'll have to think about handling the publicity at some stage. Better get on to Simon and Fiona."

"Oh God, they'll probably want to sell the photos or something, we can't have that."

"I agree but we need to get them onside. We'll have to discuss things with them."

"Rafa" Roger leans over and takes his hand. "Shouldn't we stop.....and celebrate?"

"I can't Roger, I've been trying to hold myself together for so long now....if I let myself think about it I might just cry and never stop."

"But you are happy?"

"I'm unbelievably happy. But I can't let it all go yet."

"That's OK. How about watching these videos?"

"Please" They watch Elian playing, hear him saying a few words and even see him having a tantrum, it's probably good that the foster carer is making sure they know something of the reality. Some hard knot in Rafa seems to unwind as he watches, this really is their son, soon they'll be caring for him, watching him grow, making sure he has the best of everything. It's all he's ever wanted.

                                                                              **********************************************

March 2017: Barcelona

The foster carer looks a little nervous - as much as she must be used to this process she's probably not used to the adoptive parents being such famous faces.

"Perhaps you would like to just...play with him?"

Elian looks familiar from the videos but still - nothing has prepared Rafa for seeing his son for the first time.

"Can I help you with that?"

Elian looks up from his painting but carries on. Clearly he has no idea who this stranger is.

"That's a lovely bright red you're using." He has a sudden inspiration. "Should I do a painting too?" He takes another piece of paper and chooses a colour. "See, I'm doing some nice yellow flowers." Elian actually looks over at what he's doing and then makes a faint attempt at copying the picture on his own paper. "You like the yellow flowers? They make me feel happy." He actually feels a bit of an idiot burbling away but it feels like he's starting to make a connection. Meanwhile he can hear Roger coping valiantly with asking questions in Catalan - the foster carer actually looks a bit more relaxed now - maybe trying not to laugh as Roger struggles with the grammar. Time to rescue him, probably.

"Papi's going to come and paint with you now."

He lets Roger take over and, despite the fact that Elian can't understand a word of the English that Roger is speaking, he's soon smiling away.

"He looks happy with him."

"That's the effect Roger has on people."

"He responded to you as well, I think you should cook his dinner tonight and see how that goes, I will leave you alone with him and we'll see if he is happy with that. Tomorrow you could take him out for a while. But we'll need to pull back if he seems to be getting upset."

"Of course." That old need he'd felt to take Elian away from all these people who are not really his parents has eased off, of course they must give him time to adjust. He should be asking all sorts of questions but really he just wants to watch Roger chatting to their son. The foster carer seems to understand.

"He is a lovely little boy, just enjoy being with him for a while. We can discuss all the details later"

"Thank you." He could watch this forever.

 


End file.
